Thanks so much for all of your reviews, they were all so kind I almost cried with happiness (that's how sad I am, be afraid). I can't believe I have over 100 reviews. I actually thought that the most this story would get would be 50, and even that would have been amazing. So yes, many thanks to you all. You've made me a very happy person :)
I hope this chapter's alright...
"I'm going to need some new contacts, boss." Ganon said through his phone of evilness.
"What was wrong with elfbusters?" Malo asked angrily.
"They were busy...doing stuff...with hair straighteners."
"Sounds lovely. Well, you're just lucky that I have more skilled elf-trackers at my disposal. Try this number first..."
The Pokemon theme tune suddenly started playing, causing Zant to choke on the slice of pizza he had been eating.
"Stupid damned phone!" He growled in between coughs, reaching into his pocket, before remembering that he still didn't have any in his condom outfit. "OK, where did I put it this time?"
His underpants started vibrating.
"Oh...THERE it is!" Zant exclaimed, realising that he was going to have to go 'down under' to get it. He just managed to reach it before the final exclamation of 'Pokemon' came round. "Hello?"
"Hi! I was just wondering-"
"-are you one of my fangirls? For the last time, I AM NOT AVAILABLE FOR HIRE, BITCH!"
"Do I sound like a fangirl?"
"Yes, why?"
"No reason..." Ganondorf growled. "Well I'm not ringing to hire you or whatever. Well I am, but not for 'fun' purposes."
Zant burst out laughing. "You do realise that I'm a living condom. The only reason I GET hired is for fun purposes."
"This isn't a joke!" Ganondorf yelled, trying to be intimidating, but failing miserably. Maybe he should have spent his life doing evil stuff instead of baking cookies with his grandma.
"I don't care if it's assassinating Mr squirrel, I'm too busy to do it."
"Don't tell me you're having an affair with a pair of hair straighteners."
"I'm eating pizza, actually."
"Come on, it's just one tiny job."
"No."
"You only have to hunt down and kill an elf. Just ONE elf..."
"An elf? What does he look like?"
"The boss told me that he looks like a little girl and/or a piece of broccoli that got mixed with an elf and a fashion diva. Does that ring any bells?"
"Um...no. Not really."
"Oh, and he skips everywhere, hugging stuff and generally acting like a moron."
"Now that reminds me of someone...does he happen to travel round with a little floaty thing? A REALLY ANNOYING little floaty thing that talks nonsense and laughs in your face all the time?"
"That's the one! Do you have him on radar?"
"CRAP! I accidentally dropped my elf-radar down the toilet yesterday. But he is supposed to be following me...I think. He wants to steal this pizza that I'm eating..."
"Then stay where you are! You can destroy him as he arrives."
"Sorry, but no can do. I want to go and hide the rest of this pizza around the world so that he can't find it. EVER!!!"
"But...why?"
"BECAUSE I'M EVIL!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Zant laughed, before cutting off the call. "Stupid time waster...now I won't be able to eat all of this." He sighed, looking sadly at the pizza of twilight. "Oh well, by taking the three slices that are left and delivering them to three random people, LINK WILL NEVER GUESS WHERE THEY ARE!!!"
Link and Midna had just exited Arbiter's grounds, and were making their way across the pizza chamber when there was a loud revving sound from below, in the desert. Link ran over to the edge of the area, looking down to see a 'Johnny Condom' themed moped whizzing across the sand away from them.
"Hey Midna, I think you might want to see this..." Link said nervously. Midna floated quickly to where he stood, staring at the escaping vehicle with horror.
"That's Zant..."
"Yep."
"Wearing a pizza delivery outfit..."
"Yep."
"Holding the pizza of twilight..."
"Yep."
"And he's getting away..."
"Ye-"
"-WOULD YOU SHUT THE HELL UP?"
"Yep-I mean, sorry."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! My life is over before it began!"
"Someone has your pizza, get over it and order a new one. That's my motto."
"I already told you, the pizza of twilight is more than just a pizza...it's magical."
"All pizza is magical. It's just a fact of life."
"WILL YOU TAKE ME SERIOUSLY FOR FIVE SECONDS?"
"Five is pushing it a bit...maybe two...or one."
"Look, we have to go after Zant and get it back. That pizza is my only way home."
Link was about to ask if it was really a UFO, when these random ghost people appeared and interrupted Midna for him.
"Nobody leaves! Not until we bore you to death with our fascinating historical facts!" Came an annoying, whining sort of voice from above them. There were several pillars that reached to the very top of the area, and the ghost people were standing on top of them.
"I bet you think you're so damn clever, managing to balance on those without falling off!" Link yelled up at them. "Well have I got something to ask you! Where's your little ghost buddy, hm? He fell off, didn't he??"
Rightly enough, one of the pillars was empty. The ghost people looked at each other with embarrassment, before one of them came up with am answer to Link's question.
"He didn't fall off...it's just that...we're saving that one...for VIPs!"
"I'm very important. Why aren't I allowed up there?"
There was another short delay, before a different ghost spoke up.
"Health and safety risks, you see. If you're not professionally qualified to stand on a pole all day and do nothing, then you're not allowed to."
"LIAR! I can smell a lie when I see one...I mean, hear one!"
"OK, you got us. Egbert fell off-"
"-EGBERT??? PAHAHAHAHAHA!" Link exclaimed, almost dying of laughter.
"He wasn't very stable...it had nothing to do with us-" Continued the ghost.
"-Yeah, right. I bet it happened when you were all pissed and decided to make the pizza of twilight." Midna cut in angrily. "Oh, and I have a question too. Were you all here when Zant took off with the pizza of twilight on a moped, by any chance?"
"No. We were...fishing."
"In a desert?"
"Um...ever heard of sand fish?"
"No."
"Oh fine, we were here the whole time."
"You just stood there?"
"We couldn't remember how to get down from the poles, alright?"
"YOU'RE GHOSTS. YOU CAN FLY!!!!"
"We're sages, actually."
"It doesn't matter, the point is that you just let an evil condom steal the most deadly pizza in the world because you were too scared to stop him. You guys should be fired."
"Can I kill them instead?" Link asked.
"Sure, why not?" Midna replied, giving them her trademark evil smile.
"No, wait! We haven't told you our fascinating historical facts yet!"
"How about you do something useful for once, and shove them up your ass instead of telling me about them?"
"That's technically impossible-holy shite!" Said one of the ghosts as Link headbutted the pillar it was standing on. It just managed to stay on, but was now holding onto the edge of it for dear life. Link was about to headbutt the pillar again, when the sage decided to say something that he should have mentioned a long time ago.
"I KNOW WHERE ZANT IS TAKING THE PIZZA SLICES OF TWILIGHT!" It yelled in terror. "Don't kill meh!!!"
"Oh, so NOW you decide to be helpful. I'm gonna give you five seconds to tell me where."
"He's taking one to a yeti's house in Snowpeak, the other to the Temple of Time in the Sacred Grove, and the third one to the City in the Sky." The sage rambled quickly. "How long was that?"
Midna looked down at her stopwatch, before looking up again with a manic grin on her face.
"Five-point-zero-one seconds. Link, you know what to do."
"But...but...WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" The sage cried as it whizzed towards the ground after Link had rolled into its pillar. The pillar itself toppled, crashing into the pillar next to it, which crashed into the pillar next to it, until all of the pillars had toppled, and all of the sages were now sage-flavoured milkshake on the ground. (Don't try that one at home either, kids. Everyone knows that mistaking a crack-fic for a recipe book always ends in death/ pain/ destruction/ ultimate doom/ all of the previously mentioned.)
"That was fun. AGAIN!" Link exclaimed happily.
"I hate to rain on your parade, but we have more important things to do than resurrect dead sages and squish them with giant pillars."
"Like what?" Link huffed.
"Like chasing a condom through a desert before it can scatter the remaining three slices of a magical pizza."
"If we're going to do that, then can we at least take the motorbike?" Link asked.
"What motorbike?"
"The one that you sneaked into my pants whilst I was asleep."
"Oh, that motorbike. Can't we just warp?"
"WANNA RIDE THE MOTORBIKE!!!!" Link yelled stroppily.
Noticing a tantrum coming on, Midna decided to agree to Link's demand, even though, as usual, it was completely ridiculous when they could just warp and find Zant in seconds. Not finding him would be better than being on the other end of Link's elf rage.
Link hauled the motorbike out of his pants (a disturbing image, I can tell you) and turned towards the camera, randomly pulling out a pair of sunglasses and putting them on. "Let's do this thing!"
Midna rolled her eyes as Link jumped on to the motorbike and floored the accelerator, before crashing straight into an invisible wall and falling off.
"I think you should let me drive." The imp suggested. Link agreed, sure it was the right decision. It wasn't until they were about to go, that he realised it really wasn't .
"Do you have a drivers license? Her inquired nervously.
"I have a giant lawnmower driving license, but don't worry. I'm sure that driving this thing will be just as simple."
Link gulped, before an even worse realisation hit him.
"Can you even reach the accelerator?"
"No." Midna smirked. "Which is why I taped it down."
"Oh dear." Link squeaked, before the motorbike zoomed across the pizza chamber and flew through an open gap in the wall, before soaring into the desert. "WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Hope that chapter was good! Only the next chapter will reveal how the quest for the pizza of twilight goes...