Redemption-Book 1: Re-Emergence

by evitascarlett

No one told Johanna that picking up the pieces and moving on would be easy…but they never said it would be this hard either. A sequel to Apologize; dealing with the fallout and aftermath of Bracken's arrest as the family tries to heal and move on. Warning: This is a Johanna centric story. Cover art by LordofKavaka

25. Chapter 25

Author's Note: Thanks for your reviews as always!

Chapter 25- I Can't Tell You Why-Part 2

"You don't have to worry, just hold on tight"- The Eagles

The soft background noise of the television kept the room from being wrapped in silence as Jim drew soft circles against Johanna's bare shoulder. He knew they had to talk; that was more than obvious by her comment asking if they were going to get through this matter but he didn't know how to start the conversation that they needed to have. He almost hated to break the silence; that soft spell that always seemed to wrap around them after they had made love and she settled against him with her head on his chest. There was peacefulness despite the need to talk; the worst of the tension eased between them.

"What are you thinking about?" Johanna asked softly.

"You," he murmured.

She stiffened slightly; clearly fearing the worst and he hated himself for it. He brushed a kiss against the top of her head, hoping it would settle and reassure her that it wasn't a bad thing.

Johanna forced herself to relax; she knew they needed to talk…it just felt like it would've been a lot easier if they had done it when originally planned. "What about me?"

"I don't know why you put up with me," he said, his tone struggling to be light to keep her at ease despite the seriousness in his voice.

"Because I love you," she answered; her lips pressing a kiss against his chest.

Jim squeezed her shoulder gently. "But I have a tendency to hurt you."

His wife breathed deeply. "Nothing you can do to me compares to how I hurt you."

Once again he found himself choosing his words carefully. "We've talked about that before; it's different. You didn't have a choice in doing that and you were hurt too. What you did wasn't about selfishness; it was about survival, not just for you but for all of us. You can't use that as a reason to give everyone a free pass for hurting you…not even me."

"But it doesn't go away," she whispered. "It's always there no matter how hard we try to get away from it. I feel like I just keep hurting you over and over no matter what I do."

"How do you figure?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

"No, not to me."

"Everything I do brings back something bad for you to think about or feel. If I go out alone, you have to worry more than you normally would have; you have to think about the bad things that could happen, the reporters, people who still worship Bracken. If I cut my hand you have to think about the way I was supposed to meet my end. If I stay away for too long you think I'm leaving you like I left back then. If I…"

"Wait," Jim said; "Hold on to the rest for a minute and let's get through these ones. I've always worried about you being out on your own, Jo. We don't live in the safest place in the world; it's always been a concern for me. Is it worse now? Yeah; but that's not your fault and I need to stop making it seem like it is. I have my fears about you being alone and it keeps me from seeing the depth of your fears about going out by yourself; and I'm sorry for that. I guess I never allowed myself to realize how deeply your fear went and I don't blame you for that fear."

"I don't blame you for yours either," Johanna replied. "I understand them…and I wasn't trying to magnify them or to hurt you when I went out to the market. I remembered the rules I made for myself and I know you don't think so but I did stick to them when I called Katie…I just didn't anticipate that she'd make a big thing out of answering a two second call and then call and tattle to you. I can't deny that I was feeling angry but I swear I wasn't trying to hurt you."

"I know," he answered; "I wasn't hurt…I just let my own fears turn into anger. You mentioned being controlling…and I've never wanted to control you, Johanna; I still don't. I guess I just like feeling like I have some type of control over any situation you could be in so that I know you're safe…and maybe that turns into the kind of control neither one of us wants to see or use."

"I get that and believe me, when I'm with you, I feel as safe as I can be and when you're not with me, I wish you are because I get afraid but I know that we can't always be everywhere together…we weren't like that before and we can't be like that now. I want to be better so you can feel better."

Jim held her tightly, his lips grazing her hair in a soft kiss. "I want us both to feel better…and I know that you have to go out on your own, I'm the one who keeps telling you that and then I get bent out of shape about it. I guess we're both still working on it and it's going to take a little time. If I get too overbearing, tell me…I can't promise I won't get momentarily offended but just keep yelling at me until I get it."

She gave a soft laugh; her breath warm against his skin. "I just bet that would go well."

He chuckled. "Well, sometimes in the past the yelling has lead to better pursuits and we won't need to worry about whatever it was we were yelling about."

"I guess that's true," she said lightly as she shifted away from him and settled onto her pillow.

Jim turned onto his side so that he could face her, his hand settling on her waist. "In all seriousness though, I don't want you to be afraid to tell me things because you're afraid I'll get mad."

"It's not that I'm afraid to tell you…and sometimes it's not that I'm afraid to make you mad."

"Then what is it?"

"It's not going to make much sense," Johanna confessed; "But I guess I'm afraid of making you too mad."

Jim's brow furrowed in puzzlement. "What does that mean?"

"It means I get afraid of you being mad enough to tell me that you don't want to do this anymore; that you want me to go…and I know; you've told me a million times that it's not going to happen, and I hate myself for needing to be told that so often but it's something that I still get afraid of."

"I know," he murmured; "And I don't have a problem with you needing me to reassure you of the fact. All you ever have to do is ask and I swear to you the answer is never going to change. I love you, I want you here with me; I'm never going to change my mind and if I need to tell you that once a week until you no longer fear otherwise, then I will."

"I don't think it needs to be once a week," Johanna replied as her hand found his. "Maybe when we're not seeing eye to eye though."

"Okay," he answered. "I'll make sure that if we're having some argument or issue that you know that it doesn't change anything; you're still loved and wanted…and needed here."

She nodded. "And I can remind you that if we need some space that it's not some devious plot to leave you…that I'm just trying to get us to a better spot so that the issue can be handled and resolved."

"Deal."

Johanna reached out and caressed his face. "You do know that I'd never want to leave you, right?"

"Yes; but I guess sometimes I need that assurance too," he admitted.

She was quiet for a moment. "Do you think we'll ever get back to the place where we won't need that assurance; we'll just know it?" she asked softly.

Jim nodded. "Yes; we'll get there, sweetheart. One day all of the outside things will be settled and that will let us settle fully and it won't be something we need so much anymore. I don't doubt that at all; but like I've said before, I don't want you to feel like you can't ask for it."

"Alright," she whispered, her fingers curling around his.

Jim allowed silence to fall for a few minutes as he chose his next topic out of the ones that Johanna had already listed. "I'm sorry for what I said this morning," he stated. "I should've never made that remark about the wound in your hand reminding me of the past; and I should've never implied that you don't think about it because I'm sure you do all the time and I don't need to be driving it deeper for you. You're right; I've slapped the past in your face twice since last night and that's not right. I promised you that you weren't going to have to live that way. No matter what I'm feeling in the moment, I shouldn't go that low. I know those things hurt you and throwing them at you is cruel and I don't want to be cruel to you. I love you and I understand what happened and why and it's not a weapon to be used against you. I'm sorry."

"I understand," his wife said softly. "I don't like when it happens but I understand."

"You shouldn't have to understand it; it shouldn't happen…and I'm going to do my best to make sure it doesn't happen again, so don't say that you understand; just say that you'll give me another chance."

"I always give you another chance," she replied. "I always forgive you."

He brought her hand to his lips for a soft kiss. "Since we're on the topic in a way; how does your hand feel? I was being an ass earlier and neglected to ask."

Johanna smiled softly. "It's a little sore but it isn't anything I can't handle."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah; it's fine."

"No dish washing for you for the rest of the week," he remarked.

She frowned. "I know…you better buy us some paper plates."

Jim smiled. "I will but I'll also wash any dishes we use…and I'll rewrap your hand after you get your shower tonight."

"Thank you," she murmured.

Jim's thumb brushed softly against her bandage. "I'm sorry," he murmured.

"For what?"

"For this," he said with a nod at her hand. "It's my fault."

"It's not your fault that I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing," Johanna remarked.

"It's my fault that the knife was among the dishes," Jim replied. "I made a late night sandwich and grabbed the first knife I saw which was your new chef's knife that was in the holder on the counter. Then, like always, I left the mess for you to clean up once you got home. If I hadn't used that specific knife or if I had cleaned up after myself, you wouldn't have gotten hurt."

"It was just an accident, Jim; it could've happened any time I washed dishes. You're used to me cleaning up everything, so of course you left a mess as my welcome home present," she said, allowing a touch of lightness to creep into her voice.

He managed a small smile. "That doesn't make it right."

Johanna sighed, her fingers wrapping around his. "Maybe not but if you were too self-sufficient I might feel unneeded around here…so light occasional mess for me to deal with is okay."

He met her eye. "I do need you, you know? I don't know what Katie's been trying to fill your head with but I need you and I want you and going through the motions while you were away doesn't mean that needing you and wanting you faded in any way. I didn't move on…I just made it through the best I could. You made it through those years, didn't you?"

"Yes," she whispered. "It wasn't easy but I did."

"That's right; and did those years mean you stopped needing or wanting me in any way?"

"No; I never stopped needing or wanting you, not for a single second."

"Then why would I stop needing you?"

"Because you thought I wasn't coming back."

Jim shook his head. "It doesn't matter, I still needed you. You know your mother's gone…but don't you still feel like you need Naomi?"

"Every day of my life," Johanna whispered.

"Then you know that needing someone you love never goes away…so don't listen to Katie about things like that. She thinks she knows it all but she doesn't. Just ignore her about things like this, okay?"

"Okay," she said with a soft laugh.

"I do feel badly about your hand though," he stated; "I feel bad about everything that's been going on but especially this."

"It's not your fault," she told him before leaning closer to press a kiss against his lips before settling against his chest once again. "But if it'll make you feel better, I demand that you don't use chef's knives to cut a sandwich, okay?"

Jim nodded. "That does make me feel a little better…and since we decided to throw out your new knife; I ordered a replacement for you last night…along with some guilt gifts."

"Guilt gifts?" she laughed.

"Yeah; since you seemed to like the idea of splashes of purple in the kitchen, I got you the purple and white cutting board that matches the knives and some purple cooking utensils…"

"The ones that are the same shade of that bright purple on the handles of my knives?" she asked.

"Yeah…don't tell me you already ordered them."

"No; but I had them and the cutting board bookmarked because I wanted them," she said happily. "You didn't have to buy me guilt gifts but I'm glad you chose those."

Jim smiled and hugged her tightly. "I also got you some purple dishtowels and dishcloths."

"That's so sweet of you," she remarked, angling her head to kiss him.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Anything, honey."

"Do you have other shopping things bookmarked?"

"Yeah; why?"

"Don't take this the wrong way but can I look through the stuff you're saving? I saw something while I was buying guilt gifts that I'd like to get you as a Christmas gift and I want to make sure there isn't a chance you might order it before I can."

Johanna smiled up at him. "Yeah; you can look through the things I've bookmarked…and if you find that item there, you can delete it…I probably wouldn't be able to figure out what it was because I tend to save a lot of things."

"Thank you," he said; "Maybe I can do that tonight before I forget."

"Just tell me when," she replied.

He was quiet for a moment, knowing they needed to get back to discussing things that had been going on. "We still have things to talk about," he said quietly.

"I know," Johanna answered as she shifted away from him so she could find her nightgown on the floor. "Would you mind if we took a break for a few minutes?"

"Why?" he asked.

"Because I need a cold drink," she told him as she pulled on her nightgown and found her robe. "I could bring you one too."

It wasn't an unreasonable request and it didn't feel like it was an excuse to avoid the harder topics. "Yeah, I could use a cold drink myself," he replied.

Johanna gave him a small smile and a quick kiss. "I'll be right back."

"I'll be here," he told her; hoping that the next part of their discussion would go as smoothly as this one had.

---

The room was quiet for awhile after Johanna had returned with cold drinks for both of them and slipped back into bed, her gaze on the TV screen for the time being. Jim knew that he couldn't let the discussion of their issues end where it had, they still hadn't discussed the issue of alcohol and it needed to be done. He took a moment to gather his thoughts and then decided to dive back in, to get to the point that had caused this whole thing. "You had something else to add to your list before I stopped you," he remarked.

Johanna expelled a breath. "I hurt you by reacting badly to having the glass of wine," she said softly. "It was the last thing I wanted to do. I never want to hurt you."

"You didn't really hurt me," he replied. "I didn't handle the situation the way I should have. I let myself think stupid things instead and it made me angry."

"What things?"

He sighed. "That I didn't look the same to you anymore. That you didn't trust me; and I know that's not true. You show me all the time that you trust me; you never act suspicious of me. I just reacted badly to how you were feeling. I'm sorry that I wasn't more understanding of what you were feeling."

"I'm sorry that it happened," his wife stated softly. "I just didn't know how to make it stop."

"How to stop what?"

"The way I was feeling," she answered. "I just felt like I was wrong to do what I did."

"Meaning what?" he asked gently.

"Meaning it was wrong to drink in the first place."

"Why?"

"Because; I told myself that I wasn't going to do that anymore."

"But why?" Jim asked. "You drank a glass of wine with Katie; why was it different when you were there with her?"

Johanna hesitated; she didn't like walking through this minefield when she had already been burned once. She knew they had to; it just wasn't easy; especially when she didn't know how to explain her thoughts and feelings in regard to this issue.

"I'm not going to get mad," her husband said quietly. "You can tell me…just talk to me like you do about anything else."

She closed her eyes for a moment trying to choose her words carefully. "It was different at Katie's because you weren't seeing it and I wasn't home…and I guess not being home meant I didn't have a feeling of strong responsibility in that area. Katie was policing what I did, as her job and as a wary daughter so I knew I wasn't going to be overindulging too often and she seemed to make it a subtle point to show me that we weren't to leave any signs of it for you to find. She always made sure you didn't see it so I thought that was the way it had to be for you. I didn't know otherwise. All I know is what Katie did and showed and what I've heard on TV or read in magazines about people who have this problem. I tried to bring it up with her once or twice so I'd have some idea of how to handle things once I was home but she'd shut me down and there was always that look of blame in her eyes so I try not to bring it up to her too much. I know it brings back bad memories for her and I don't want to hurt her…and I don't want to make her angry enough to remind me of how much she blames me for it."

His fingertips moved against her hand softly. "Why don't you bring it up to me?"

Her gaze fell to the white sheets they were curled under, a part of her wishing once more that they didn't have to discuss this.

"Tell me," he prodded; his tone void of anger or judgment.

"Because I don't want to upset you," she murmured. "I know that you worry about me seeing you differently because of this issue and I try to always reassure you that I don't, because that's the truth; nothing's changed in my eyes, but I know you think it has and it's upsetting for you…and given what happened when I reacted badly; I felt like I was right in the assumption that I can't bring it up even if I wanted to."

"And you don't want to, do you?" he asked.

"No," she whispered. "It's hard to talk about…especially when you're afraid of saying or doing something wrong. I'm always afraid I'll hurt you."

"I don't want you to feel that way."

"But I do…and I don't know how to stop feeling that way."

Jim was silent for a moment as he tried to find a way to put her at ease about discussing this part of their lives. In truth he wasn't any better about it than she was, at least when it came to discussing it with her but that was going to have to change…and for once he was going to have to be the patient one; the one who stayed quiet and listened and swallowed knee jerk reactions. She had done plenty of that for him and Katie; it was only right that he returned the favor.

"Maybe the only way to stop feeling like that is to make yourself do it anyway," he said slowly. "It's a part of us; it's not something we ever imagined being a part of us but it is, just like other things we wish we could have done differently. While you were staying with Valerie I had a lot of time to think and I realized that when you came home, I threw this at you; I threw those five years I spent in a bottle in your face. I used it to hurt you because I knew it would and I was hurt and angry myself and I wanted to wound you. That wasn't right…and when my anger and hurt subsided, I didn't help you deal with the knowledge of it. I know we talked about it in small ways over the summer…and once we talked about it a little more seriously; and if I remember correctly, that also involved you wanting a glass of wine."

"But I didn't pour one," she replied, recalling that day at Kate's apartment when she had almost slipped up.

"I know you didn't; but I told you that you could."

"I know."

"So why didn't you then and why did it become a bad thing that you did at Bridget's?"

Johanna reached for the comforter, pulling it up over the sheet that already covered them as if she felt too exposed. She didn't want to answer the question; she was afraid of angering or offending him. She trusted him about his sobriety but she felt like her answer would make it seem otherwise.

"Jo," he stated.

She wasn't getting out of it and she shouldn't want to but it wasn't easy to dig in this well…especially when she felt like she didn't know how. "I don't know how to explain it without it sounding like I'm contradicting myself."

He shifted a bit to be more comfortable, his hand falling against her hip to comfort her. "Why do you think it would sound that way?"

"Because I trust you."

"And I believe that, I told you that," he replied; "So just tell me what it is that went through your mind that day at Katie's and then at Bridget's."

She licked her lips nervously. "That time at Katie's, you told me I could have a glass of wine if I wanted it; that it wouldn't bother you."

"That's right."

"You told me that but I kept thinking about how Katie always made sure that you didn't see us drink and I felt like that was the way it needed to be for you…and I know you worry about looking different to me so a part of me thought that maybe you were just telling me that it was okay because you didn't want to seem different. With that idea in mind and Katie's usual behavior as my point of reference, I felt like if I did it, I'd be making you uncomfortable or putting you to a test and I didn't want to do that. I also felt like it would be disrespectful when I know what you've gone through."

"So you feel like you have conflicting reports on what's acceptable," Jim remarked.

"Yeah…you say it's fine and yet Katie seemed to make it clear to me that it wasn't and when it came down to it, I went with Katie's…I don't even know what to call it? Her diagnosis?" she asked with a wrinkle of her nose. "I know that probably seems hurtful for me to take her actions over yours when it comes to this because you know what you can handle and I'm sorry…I just…I guess I just feel confused about what to do about it."

That made a lot of sense, Jim thought to himself; and it made him understand why she reacted the way she had. He gave her hip a squeeze. "I'm not hurt that you followed Katie's lead," he told her; "I understand why you would; I even understand why you'd question if I was telling you the truth about being alright with it. Katie isn't comfortable drinking in front of me and I don't hold that against her; not drinking in front of me is what makes her comfortable and it's part of how she deals with it and I'm sure she did subtly drive home that point to you, thinking it was best for you to follow suit. I don't blame you for that, sweetheart; what else were you supposed to do? Katie and I…we haven't really helped you with this…we just threw you out there in it and basically let you sink or swim, didn't we?"

That's what it felt like to her, Johanna thought to herself as she kept her gaze on the comforter she was clutching. She did feel like she was all alone with learning how to deal with the fact that her husband was a recovering alcoholic.

"It's alright to say yes," her husband murmured.

Her gaze flicked back to his and she nodded hesitantly. "I understand though," she whispered. "It's hard for you both to talk about and I am part of the cause for it regardless of what you say and there's blame and a lot of other little things that go along with it. You two already went through it and dealt with it and moved on and I don't expect you both to do it again for me. I'm going to do better…I might make some mistakes sometimes but I'll find my way, I promise."

"I didn't have to go through it alone and neither did Katie," Jim remarked; "So why should you have to deal with it alone?"

She swallowed hard but the tears filled her eyes anyway. "Because that's what happens when you're thirteen years too late."

The comment stole his breath for a moment; hadn't he made a remark about being thirteen years late? His stomach twisted as his hands reached for her, drawing her against him. "No," he said quietly. "That's not how it's supposed to be at all."

"Why not?" she murmured as she clung to him.

"Because it's not fair; you shouldn't have to deal with it alone."

"But I can and I will."

"I don't want you to," Jim replied. "You've gone through enough alone."

"And you've gone through things without me that you shouldn't have to repeat just because I can't get it right on the first try," Johanna stated.

"You didn't do anything wrong."

"If that was true we wouldn't have fought."

"We fought because I got bent out of shape about the way you reacted to me seeing you with a drink in your hand."

"Which wouldn't have happened if I hadn't had that drink."

"Jo; just because I can't drink doesn't mean that you can't ever have a glass of wine. I have the problem, not you and you don't have to deny yourself something that you want once in awhile just because I can't have it too."

"I just can't help feeling like it's wrong," she admitted; "Like I'm not being supportive. It feels like putting it in your face and saying 'look what I can do and you can't'."

"But I don't see it that way, Jo. I see people drinking all the time and I don't take it like that."

"But it's different with other people."

"How do you figure?"

"Because you don't live with them…you live with me."

"But that still doesn't mean that you can't have a drink sometimes. What exactly is it that you're afraid of? What do you think I'm going to do if I see you with a drink?" Jim asked. "Do you think it's going to automatically make me want one?"

"No," she sighed as she pulled away from him, needing some space back between them as they continued to dig into the issue. "I just…"

"You just what?"

"It's not you that I don't trust; it's me," Johanna said as she raked a hand through her hair.

Jim looked at her in confusion. "What do you mean?"

She frowned. "I just worry that I'm going to end up doing something that will make you think about going back to that habit."

"First of all, maybe you need to call it what it is instead of a habit," her husband remarked.

"I know what it is, Jim."

"Then say it."

Her jaw tightened. "Why do you keep insisting on that?"

"Because I think it's something you need to do."

Johanna hated the thought of saying the word in relation to him; she could say it to him in sentences; she already had; but those sentences related to her own habits while living with Kate.

"Say it."

She squeezed her eyes shut in frustration. "I don't want to drive my husband to drink again," she said slowly; an edge to her tone. "Are you happy now?"

"No," he answered; "I'm not happy that you think it's your responsibility to keep that from happening. It's my responsibility to make sure I don't drink again and if I was going to use something you did as an excuse to do that then I'd undo all of the work I already did to get past it and that's not acceptable. Keeping me sober isn't your job, Johanna; it's mine. You can't keep blaming yourself for it and letting me off the hook like I don't have any responsibility for what I did. You may have been the excuse I used but I'm the one who made the decision knowing full well that you'd hate it. I can assure you though that nothing you say or do is going to drive me back to that place; I'm in control."

"But what if I did?"

"You won't," he said firmly. "Sweetheart; if something was going to drive me to drink, don't you think it would've been when you turned up out of the blue after all those years of me thinking you were dead? Don't you think that would've been the moment?"

"Would've been for me," she murmured; "But I'm glad it wasn't for you…although if I had known it might've inspired me to find a softer way to break the news."

Jim shook his head. "Sending a steak dinner to the door would've been worse than the just showing up approach, sweetheart; it was better the way you did it."

She smiled a little. "Who said anything about steak?"

He grinned. "Well you have to admit, if you had sent a steak dinner to the door with an I'm sorry note, I would've thought of you."

"True…now I kind of wish I had thought of that."

Jim laughed. "How would you have handled that?"

"I don't know…I guess I would've waited for it to be delivered and then knocked on the door…or waited on the porch, I'd figure you'd open the door eventually."

He chuckled. "Yeah; it's probably better you did it the way you did; the porch thing might have gone worse."

Johanna nodded. "I can see it blowing it up even worse than it really did."

"We got through it," he replied as he took her hand; "And I didn't need a drink to do it; didn't even consider it. Once you were here all I thought about was you; there was no room to think of needing some vice to get me through it. I just wanted you, no matter what…and I still do; so you see, you don't need to worry so much. I'm fine because you're here and we might fight sometimes because that's just how we've always been but it's not going to cause any harm. I want you to believe that."

"I keep trying to…I try not to let it worry me and a lot of the time it doesn't but sometimes it sneaks up on me when I feel like things are bad; and I don't mean between us, I mean bad in any segment of our lives, like with the media hounding us. I don't like to worry about it, I feel like if I do then it means I don't have the faith and trust that I know I do in you and I can't stand that thought."

He sighed a little. "Sweetheart, you twist yourself up into enough knots about this to be pretzel."

"I know," she whispered; "And I hate myself for it because I know how it probably looks to you."

"It looks like you love me and want what's best for me," her husband replied. "I know a part of you is always going to worry about it, Jo; just like I know a part of Katie will always worry about it but I promise that one day it won't bother you so much. It'll just be a part of us that you carry and it won't be so noticeable…you might not think much about it at all somewhere down the road."

"I wish I could be sure of that. I just want to be here for you; I want to make sure you know that I support you and what you've gone through and that I'm proud that you beat it. I just…I don't ever want to be the reason that you lose that progress."

"You won't be; and I do know that you support me…and you having a glass of wine with your aunt doesn't change that. You didn't disrespect me or look unsupportive…and it's okay for you to say that you just don't feel comfortable drinking around me. Some people do feel that way and I don't blame anyone for that, I don't take it as an immediate confession of distrust; I look at it as being more about them than being about me. I know I'm in control…and I know that you know it, but you're not comfortable right now and you may never be and it's fine; but I want you to know that I don't look at it as an accusation. I know it has to do with your feelings about the entirety of the situation. This is new to you and I haven't been much help to you in learning how to cope with the feelings it inspires…but you need to know that it's okay for you to feel the way you do right now. Like I've been told; it's old news to me and Katie but it's still new and raw to you and you have to go through that process and we have to respect it just like you've respected the processes we went through when you came home," Jim said; his tone quiet but full of conviction.

"That was different," she said quietly; "We were all going through process when I came home."

"I know…but I think you shoved a lot of yours away to deal with ours."

Johanna shrugged as rolled over onto her other side. "You two had more to deal with than me."

"I don't think that's true," he said as he watched her curl up under the covers as if she was folding into herself, making herself as small as possible. It was a habit she'd had as long as he had known her and it made him move closer so that he could put his arm around her once more and keep close.

"It doesn't matter," she replied; "You're my priority; I can deal with myself anytime. I am sorry though that I ruined the end of our vacation. I promise you that it won't happen again."

Jim sighed. "I feel like we just backslid."

"Why?"

"Because, I can tell…you're listening to what I say but I can tell you're still stuck on what you've been thinking for days; that you'll never have a drink again and we'll never have to talk about it again."

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Johanna remarked.

"It is a bad thing, Jo; you can't just put it in a box somewhere and forget about it. It's a part of us and you have to learn to deal with it and to sort out your feelings about it. I just told you that the only way it was going to be easier for you to talk about it is to make yourself do it."

"I'm trying," she murmured. "I'm doing the best I can…I know I can do better but you just have to give me a little time to figure out how to deal with it and what I'm supposed to do. It's hard for me to talk about it; I know you don't want me to feel guilty or responsible but I do and I can't make that go away no matter how hard I try."

"That's why we need to talk about it…those times when it creeps up on you and makes you worry; those are the times when you need to talk about it the most."

"I just struggle with knowing how to do that…of how it'll be taken, what it'll seem like, if I'd say things wrong. I worry about doing the wrong thing because this isn't something I can make a lot of mistakes with."

"There are people you could talk to," Jim gently suggested.

"Like who?" his wife retorted. "Katie doesn't like to talk about it anymore than I do."

"I meant outside of the family."

Her brow rose. "You mean like a support group?"

"Yeah."

"No," she said with a shake of her head.

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not…I can't."

"Why can't you?"

She looked at him incredulously. "Really? You really can't figure out why not? You really think I'm going to go into a room full of strangers and explain this whole mess to them? I'm supposed to tell people what I did and what it did to you and how I'm floundering with figuring out how to handle the consequences of my actions. I can't do that, Jim. I can't."

"They're not there to judge you, Johanna."

"Sure," she laughed bitterly. "I just bet they wouldn't be judging me after my tale of woe. They'd be looking at me and thinking "it's no wonder her husband drank, who wouldn't in his place?" And then they'd think you were a fool for taking me back. I'm not doing it. I won't air my dirty laundry like that…it gets done enough for me by the media and gossipy writers," she ranted; catching herself before mentioning the blog.

"It's not like that," Jim told her. "They wouldn't judge you because they have loved ones who battle or battled the same problem."

"You'll have to forgive me if I feel like we're different from the typical situation," Johanna said sharply. "I highly doubt anyone has a tale like ours. What am I supposed to say? 'Hi, I made a stupid career move and ended up with a contract out on me which led to the F.B.I. hiding me away. I let my family think I was dead for thirteen years to save my own ass and in the process drove my husband into a bottle for five years and my daughter into law enforcement where she can be shot at any moment. She also has enough issues to fill up a few hours for Dr Phil and so do I. Yeah, that's right everyone; you're looking at wife and mother of the year right here."

He couldn't help but smile a little at her sarcasm as he reached for her hand but she pulled it away as she sat up on the edge of the bed, her back to him. She was too agitated to want his touch as comfort, he thought to himself. He gave her a few moments to sort out his thoughts ass he propped up his pillows against the headboard so that he could lean back against them.

"Jo," he said; trying his best to find the right words.

"Yeah?"

"You didn't just save your own ass; you were keeping us safe too."

"No one cares about that, Jim," she said quietly.

"I do," he replied, reaching out and allowing his knuckles to briefly graze against her back.

"No one else does," she went on. "All everyone does is make it out to be the most selfish thing in the world…like I should've wanted to die instead. They don't get that I wasn't ready to leave you in a permanent way…I didn't get the comeback option with that one but no one cares. All anyone says is that I ran…abandoned my family without batting an eye. No one wants to hear that I was told it was the only way. They don't want to hear how badly they scared me. No one cares that I felt like I didn't have a choice but to go along because if I didn't, it felt like I'd be signing all of our death warrants and I couldn't let that happen to you and Katie. No one cares…I read the things people write about me; I hear what they say on TV. I'm more the villain than Bracken is because he built himself up to be some big hero and his brother is keeping that banner flying…they look at me and see some stupid lawyer defending a man with mob ties and figure I got what I deserved or that I'm part of some plot to destroy a good man…and in reality the only good man I destroyed was my husband. I know what they say, what they think; that I should've done things differently, that I should've done more, that I should've made some noise and it would've made some difference…but there's a problem with that way of thinking. I didn't have enough information to make the kind of noise I would've needed to make publicly; and even if I had, it wouldn't have scared them off…they would've just come at me twice as hard. I didn't have the right name then; I thought I was just on to a ring of dirty cops; I had no idea they were involved with someone bigger; I hadn't gotten that far yet. But no one cares about that…they just think I did everything wrong and they never think for a minute that I spend every day of my life wishing I could've found another way…but I had to play the cards I was dealt. I got to come home…a lot later than I would've liked but I'm here and now I have to learn how to handle the consequences that my actions created; with you it's those years you spent drinking; with Katie it's everything else. I'm not trying to be a snob or an unsupportive wife or anything by rejecting the idea of a support group; it's that I can't go into a situation like that with the way things are now. We might have reached a more peaceful stage of my homecoming but there's still chaos…and I can't chance that there would be someone in a group who wouldn't have any qualms about selling me out to a tabloid about anything I said or did…hell in this day and age it isn't hard to record people without detection. I can't take that chance; not just because of me, but because of you. I don't want your privacy breeched to that extent. I just can't…I'm sorry."

Jim reached out and gently grasped her arm. "Turn around so I can see you."

Without a word, Johanna shifted back into her spot, propping up her pillows like he had so that she could lean against them; she pulled the covers up over her and then met his eye, waiting for whatever judgment he had for her.

Jim moved closer, wrapping his arm around her and tugging her against his side. "I understand."

"Do you really or are you just saying that so I won't feel worse?"

"No; I really do understand. It would be difficult for you to go into that setting with what we have in our lives right now. You're right, someone could sell you out to the media and we don't want that; not because I'm trying to keep it a secret that I had to battle an addiction; but because you're suffering enough at the hands of the media. This is too personal and sensitive for you to take the chance of putting it in the public eye. I understand that and I don't blame you for shunning that idea. I was just trying to give you an option if you wanted it."

"If things were different…if it had been back during that one time when we were having problems and alcohol played a role in it; I wouldn't have had a problem going to a support group setting. But not now…not like this."

"I get that," he reassured; "I honestly do, Jo."

"I'll get through it," she whispered. "I'll do it on my own…I've gotten through a lot of things on my own. I can get through this. Just be a little patient with me and if I do something that makes you uncomfortable or makes you feel like I'm not trusting you or anything else that I might possibly do wrong; you just tell me so I can fix it."

"How about instead of going through it alone we just go through it together," Jim suggested.

"There's no need for that."

"Why not?"

"Because you already went through it; you've got a handle on everything. You don't need me in this area; I'm the one who has to learn, not you."

Jim sighed; the topic of need was one that had to be discussed too. In the process of his bad reaction to her reaction; he had said things he shouldn't have…and he knew he should've never told her that he didn't need her in this area of his life.

"Jo…when this fight started, I said something to you that I regret a great deal."

"What's that?"

"When I said I didn't need you when it came to dealing with my sobriety."

"You don't have to be sorry for that," Johanna remarked. "It's only the truth and you know I've always rather been told the truth than a lie, even if it hurts a little. I know you don't need me for this; I wasn't here when you did need me for it…you got through it without me and you don't need to make me a part of it now just so I feel better."

"No," Jim said; "It's not like that and we're not going to make it like that. I should've never said that to you because I do need you. When we first talked about this seriously when you were still at Katie's, I made you a promise that if I ever felt like I was going to slip up, if I ever thought about going back to that place, I'd tell you and you'd help me through it; you'd help me hang on to the work I've done. I'm going to keep that promise to you…and I'm holding you to your promise; because I do need you…I don't want to have to ever call in that promise; but it is a comfort to know that you've got my back; that I can rely on you and have no fear of coming to you if I ever felt like that was happening…because you're the first person I'd want helping me, keeping me from it, because I know you can…you could do it better than anyone. So don't ever think that I don't need or want your help or support in this area because I do. I don't want you to worry with me saying all of this because I promise I haven't been tempted; but it's always an extra comfort to know you can count on the person you love the most; your best friend…I always need you, Jo; I always have and I always will in every way, shape and form. I know I hurt you when I said that and I'm sorry. I regret it a great deal. I don't want you to brush it under the rug just because you think you should or that it's expected. I'd just rather you say that you'll accept my apology and give me another chance."

"I forgive you," Johanna murmured; "But do you forgive me for reacting the way I did? I know it hurt you and I hate that I hurt you. I'm sorry, Jim."

"I know you are," he replied; "And I do forgive you...the way you reacted isn't all your fault. You're still learning how to be the wife of a recovering alcoholic…and I need to remember that and be patient. I need to help you through it instead of just letting you sink or swim; so once again, I want you to know that if you need to talk about it, you come to me and we'll talk about it and I won't get angry or offended. If you need reassurance that I'm fine, you ask and I'll give it to you, okay?"

She nodded. "Okay."

Jim pressed a kiss against her head. "Both of us can do better with handling that issue and the way to do that is to be open and honest about it; so I want you to know that I don't care how many times we might need to talk about it. All that matters to me is making sure that you've gotten to a place where you don't feel so conflicted about it, where it can just be a part of our lives that we carry around with us but that you don't overly worry about anymore and I promise one day you'll get there. I know that you respect what I've gone through and I respect what you need to go through."

"Hopefully I'll hurry through it," Johanna remarked.

"No; you take your time, it's not something you can rush just because you want it to be over for the sake of others. You need time, you have to let yourself feel things and you have to let yourself discuss them…even if it sometimes feels like the same concerns we've already discussed. I'm sorry that I wasn't more understanding of what you were going through in those moments at Bridget's and when we got home. I'm sorry that I chose to be offended and angry instead of remembering to be patient. I could've talked you down; I could've gotten you through it that night but I didn't and that's on me. I don't want you to feel like you carry the weight of this argument because you don't, we both have blame; do you got that?"

"Yeah, I got it," she replied, her arm sliding across his waist as she remained cuddled against his side.

Jim hugged her tightly, pressing another kiss against her hair. "Is there anything else about that drink at Bridget's that bothers you?"

Johanna was silent for a moment and then she shifted slightly so she could glance at his face. "I worry about how badly I wanted it," she murmured. "I'm afraid of what it means that I wanted it so much."

"Why does it worry you that you wanted it?" he asked. "How long have you wanted it?"

"I don't know really," she answered; "But that night I took that long bubble bath; there was a part of me that just wanted a glass of wine so badly while I was in there…and it made me think about times when I do want a glass but ignore it and the feeling goes away. At Bridget's I wanted it…and I saw the bottle in the cabinet that day you left me there and she noticed that I saw it and she poured us each a glass and I wanted it so badly and it felt wrong to want it so much…like maybe there was something wrong with me…like maybe it's easy for me to lose that control."

"Okay," he said; "Let's take that back a few steps; before you were in the bubble bath, had you been thinking about wine and wanting a glass?"

"No; it didn't hit me until I was in my bath."

"Sweetheart, you wanted it with your bubble bath because for a very long time, you always had a glass of wine while soaking in your bubbles…I'm pretty sure I'm the one that got you in the habit of it; I remember a particularly hard week at work for you when we were engaged and you said all you wanted was to soak in bubbles and drink wine and be with me…so while you were in your bath, I brought you a glass of wine and sat on the floor and listened to you vent because that's what you needed and I wanted to give it to you. I don't think it's worrying that you started having a craving for a glass of wine when you were soaking in your bath; it's like one of those learned behavior things they teach us about in psychology class. Did you take bubble baths at Katie's?"

"A few times."

"Did you take a glass of wine in with you?"

"Yes; but not every time."

"Well I know you've spent some time soaking in bubbles here at home and you didn't have a glass so I don't think it's all that odd that the craving crept up on you at Bridget's. It was probably just your brain reminding you that you were missing part of the routine."

"It still worries me sometimes."

"Let me ask you something; when you have a craving, is it for a glass or the whole bottle?" Jim asked.

"Just a glass."

"If you can't have it, does it drive you crazy? Do you constantly think about it and wonder how you can get it?"

Johanna shook her head. "No; I've never felt that way."

"Then I don't think you need to worry."

"Katie told me once that she worried about me when I'd refill my glass a second time," she admitted. "I understand why she would…and when she told me that I realized that's why she always made sure to remind me I couldn't go over two glasses."

"You always had that limit for yourself the large majority of the time," Jim remarked.

"I know and I would've stuck to it…but she set it for me; and I'm not offended by that; I know she was doing it for all of us but I guess it made me wonder if she saw some beginning of a problem in me with it…or maybe I wondered if it was already there."

"Why would you think that?" he asked.

Johanna was quiet for a moment before speaking once more. "I drank a lot of wine in Wyoming, Jim. Every holiday, anniversary and birthday was spent with a bottle of wine…and it was always empty by the time the occasion was over."

"I know, you've told me that before…but you also told me that when you felt like it was getting out of hand that you'd remember that you had to be ready to come home if that call came in. You were able to pull yourself back when you were teetering on the edge, Jo. You might have overindulged at times but you didn't lose yourself completely; you didn't slip over the ledge like I did."

"How can you be sure?"

"Let me ask you; did you go to work every day with a hangover?"

"No."

"Did you find excuses to only go places where you could get a drink with your lunch?"

"No; I either didn't eat lunch or I ate in the cafeteria or my office."

"Did you count down the hours until you could go home and drink again?"

"No."

"Did having that wine ever get in the way of you doing other things? Did needing to have that drink mean you skipped going to the gym for your run? Did you call off work because of it? Did you avoid your friend?"

"No…I mean I did avoid her on holidays and dates that are important to us but that's because I wanted to be alone if I couldn't be here."

"Alright then," he replied; "Then you didn't have a problem like I did. Maybe you drank too much at times but like I said, you always pulled yourself back before it went too far. You're fine, Jo; you don't need to worry. If you did, I'd tell you, but here's one last question; after you had about a glass and a half of wine at Bridget's, did you still feel the craving? Do you still want it like you did that day?"

"No; once I had it I didn't feel like I needed to go beyond my limit and I haven't wanted it since being back home."

"So the craving was satisfied?"

"Yeah."

"You're fine," he told her once more. "Don't worry about it anymore; you've got more control than you give yourself credit for, okay?"

"Okay."

"Anything else on your mind in this area?"

"No," she sighed; "I think we've covered it for today…I apologize in advance if we have some form of repeat of it sometime down the road."

"I told you, it's fine," Jim replied. "I want us to be comfortable with discussing it; and like I said, eventually it'll just be something that's a part of us but doesn't bother you so much anymore."

"I might still be nervous talking about it or bringing it up myself sometimes…I don't want you to take it the wrong way if I am," Johanna told him."

"I promise to keep a level head next time."

"Alright," she whispered; "I am glad that we talked about it though."

"Me too, sweetheart; I'm glad we can feel better about it now," Jim said before angling his head to capture her lips in a kiss.

---

Kate had just finished filing papers and was making her way down the hallway to return to her desk when Officer Ann Hastings crossed her path. She smiled and greeted her, intending to go on her way as she had more paperwork to get done before the end of the day. Her colleague's words stopped her in her tracks however.

"How's your mom?" Hastings asked.

Kate did her best to keep a small smile on her lips. "She's fine."

"Did she have to get stitches last night?"

Her brow furrowed. "What are you talking about?"

Ann faltered for a moment, clearly wondering if she should proceed with the conversation. If Beckett wasn't aware of her mother's trip to the hospital perhaps there was a reason for it.

"Ann; why would she need stitches?" Kate asked; worry and fear rising within her. "What are you talking about?"

"I saw your parents at the hospital last night," she confessed. "I was there with my grandmother. I heard the name Beckett being given at the desk and I looked up; I've seen your parents in the newspaper and on TV enough to recognize them. I'm sure it was them…I figured you knew."

A feeling of panic rippled through her stomach. "No, I didn't know they were at the hospital last night. Do you know what was wrong?"

The officer shifted on her feet, feeling uncomfortable with the fact that she was the one to tell Beckett this information; she didn't like feeling like she had overstepped into something with her colleague's family that she had no business in but she knew that Beckett wouldn't let her get away without answers. "Her hand was wrapped in a towel; it was bleeding. I heard something about a knife."

Kate was sure that her heart dropped to her toes. "A knife?" she repeated.

"Yeah; she must've cut her hand; at least that's what it sounded like. It must not have been very serious; they didn't take her back right away but I was only in the waiting room with them for a few minutes; they had no sooner sat down when my grandmother was called back to see the doctor."

She tried to quell her panic and worry long enough to politely inquire about Ann's grandmother. "Is your grandmother alright?"

The officer smiled and nodded. "She'll be fine; she has bronchitis but they said we're catching it before it gets too bad."

"That's good," she murmured; "I'm glad."

Ann could sense Beckett's desire to find out what was going on with her mother and she decided to make it easy for her. "I better get back to work; my break is just about over. Have a good day."

"You too," Kate replied as they both went their separate ways. She hurried through the precinct, cursing herself for leaving her phone at her desk. Why hadn't she been notified about a trip to the hospital? Why was a knife involved in this incident, whatever it may be? The mere thought of a knife wounding her mother made her want to run for the bathroom to empty her stomach but she pushed down queasiness that threatened to sweep over her as she finally reached her desk.

"Is something wrong?" Castle asked from his chair. "You suddenly look a little pale."

"I need to call my Dad," she replied as she grabbed the phone and dialed his number. "Hastings said she saw him and Mom at the hospital last night."

"Maybe she's mistaken," he said in an attempt to keep her calm.

"She heard them give their last name; she heard Beckett. She knows what they look like," Kate remarked as her call dumped to voicemail. "He's not answering."

"He's probably at work," Castle replied. "It probably wasn't them; she might have misheard. Your mother hasn't even been staying with him."

"She was going home yesterday, Castle," she said sharply. "She promised."

"If it was her, I'm sure she's fine or you'd know by now."

"Yeah, well, I want to be sure of it," Kate remarked as she dialed Johanna's number.

"Did Hastings say why she was there?"

"She said her hand was bleeding and wrapped in a towel. She said she heard something about a knife," she replied; her tone shaky even to her own ears.

"It was probably a simple kitchen accident, Kate; you know your mother lives in the kitchen. I'm sure she's fine."

"She's not answering; she's not fine," Kate declared as her call once again went to voicemail.

He could see the anxiety rapidly filling her as she grabbed her coat and pulled it on. "That's not necessarily true," he told her. "Johanna has been playing games with the phone; not answering calls, hanging up on people, turning it off…she's probably still mad that you went to your uncle's to see her."

She shook her head as she grabbed her keys. "If something wasn't wrong, my Dad would've answered."

"Not necessarily; he might be busy."

"Castle; can you just stop with the 'not necessarily' line?" she asked sharply; "Because it's not helping; it's only making it worse; it makes me feel like you're trying to placate me while silently agreeing that something is definitely wrong. Now I'm going over there and find out what's going on; you can come with me or you can stay here."

"I'm going with you," Castle said as he rose from his chair and grabbed his coat. "I just don't think you should panic yet. It's probably a simple accident…and we're not even sure if it was really them. Don't you think your father would've called you if they had gone to the hospital for some reason?"

"No, I don't think he would," she replied as she stalked toward the elevator. "He was just complaining the other night that I never notify him when I'm injured; that he has to hear important things about me on the news or from colleagues. He probably didn't call me to teach me a lesson."

"Do you really think Jim would do that?"

Kate stabbed the elevator button with her finger. "He's my father, Castle; I'm well aware of his tactics; especially the ones he likes to borrow from Mom because they work so well for her; and Mom has always been a fan of doing to you what you to do to her so she can look at you and say 'well how do you like it?' Dad's used that tactic many times himself. I have no doubt that he'd leave me in the dark just to get even."

When they stepped onto the elevator and the doors slid shut, Castle slipped his arm around her waist. "Maybe instead of rushing over there you should just try and call again in a little while."

"No; I don't want to wait. I want to know now…and what if they don't answer in an hour; then what? Wait two?"

"Kate; you're panicking over something that's probably nothing."

"It's not nothing to me, Castle!" she exclaimed as she pulled away from him. "If my mother has been injured by a knife, I want to know why, I want to know where and I want to know how. This isn't something I can take lightly knowing that someone wanted to stab her to death in an alley. If it was your mother you'd already be on your way and don't deny it. If Martha as so much as stubbed her toe you'd have an orthopedic specialist on the way to ensure she hadn't damaged it in any way so don't tell me not to worry about my mother; because if there's two words I never want to hear in a sentence together it's her name and the word knife. So just don't…I'm going and you don't have to go with me."

"I'm going," he stated; "And I'm sorry; I should've realized that the thought of a knife wound would upset you more than anything else."

---

"We should get up," Johanna remarked although she made no move to get out of bed.

"Why?" Jim asked as he kept her tucked against his side.

"Because it's afternoon…we didn't even have breakfast."

"I can manage to hang on until dinner…which we'll order so you're not using that hand today."

"You didn't have dinner last night," she replied. "You have to be hungry by now."

"I ate dinner; I ate at Jeff's."

Johanna pulled away from him, her eyes snapping with fire as she eyed him. "You ate at Jeff's…where the slut lives…you let that slut feed you! You sat down at her table instead of mine!? I would've ate in the dining room if you didn't want to look at me."

"No, no, no," Jim said hurriedly. "It wasn't like that; she can't cook."

Her gaze remained sharp; her brow arched. "Then what did you have?"

"Take out," he answered; "A bucket of chicken and the usual side dishes."

Her eyes widened. "You ate fried chicken with that slut! How could you!?"

"It's not like it was your fried chicken," he replied. "It was just fast food chicken…and Melanie wasn't even there when I got there. She didn't come home until Jeff called and told her to bring us dinner."

"How nice," Johanna said sarcastically. "I bet she was just tickled to have you as her special guest and I bet you were just absolutely charming for her, weren't you?"

"It's not like that; I was nice but Jeff was right there, you know."

She scoffed. "Like Melanie has ever cared if her current husband is in the room. I've got her damn number; I've had it for nearly forty years and it hasn't changed a bit; she still wants to get her hooks into you and don't tell me otherwise. If you gave her an opening, she'd be all over you like a monkey on a cupcake."

He laughed but quickly restrained himself as he saw that she wasn't amused. "There's never been an opening, Jo."

"Uh huh; she must've liked that little sample you gave her back in the day; she's been trying to get more of it ever since."

"What sample?"

"Really, Jim?" she asked; "Are we really still playing the denial game? You know what you did with her on your little weekend getaway with her."

"That was business."

"Uh huh."

"What makes you so sure that I did anything with her?"

"Because I know," she declared; "I'm not stupid; I know what you did…and she's always wanted more of it. I heard the way she talked to Katie about you at Macy's that day; her tone all sugary sweet with her 'concern' about you and how she was going to drop by and see you one day. She might always fool you but she doesn't fool me for a damn minute."

"Just for the record; she didn't drop by."

"It's a good damn thing," Johanna remarked; "I bet she just loved that you were there for dinner instead of being with your wife. What did you tell her about that? Because if you think for a minute that I'll believe she didn't ask; you're crazy."

Jim sighed; he should've lied and said that he ate alone at a diner. "She asked…and I said that you were at Katie's; that the two of you were having a girls evening."

Johanna rolled her eyes. "Really? You couldn't think up something better than that? No one is going to believe that!"

"She didn't say anything about it," he replied.

"I'm sure she was thinking it."

"All she said was that we should all go out to dinner sometime when you're available," Jim stated.

"And you laughed and reminded her that I hate her guts, right?"

"No," he said slowly; "I said that would be nice…because I thought that would be the polite thing to do."

Johanna grabbed her pillow and whammed him with it. "Are you crazy! Why would you say that! You know how she is; she'll take it literally just to piss me off and next thing we know Jeff will be here arranging it and I won't be able to say no because you'll both look at me like I'm being a bitch. Oh my God; if you want to be rid of me just tell me to divorce you; you don't have to set me up for jail time by making me have a meal with the slut."

Jim shook his head. "It's not like that."

"You keep saying that and I'm not liking a damn thing that's coming out of your mouth."

He smiled. "Then let's stop talking and get back to making up."

"I can't do that with the thought of you eating with a bimbo in mind."

"But Jeff was there," he reminded her.

"Fine, I can't do that with the thought of you eating dinner with a bimbo and Jeff in mind…especially when you've implied that I'm open to having dinner with her, because I'm not!"

Jim laughed. "She's hoping you two can be friends…at least that's what she said."

"Oh sure," Johanna said sarcastically. "What drug is she on, because that's never going to happen. What does she think, if I'm her friend, I'll let her sleep with my husband like she wants? I've got a newsflash for her; I'll shoot her first…and if you ever act like you're open to being overly friendly with her, I'll shoot you too…and I'm going to aim for your favorite part, so you better warn him to mind his manners or he'll get a bullet and he'll never think for you again."

"I'm pretty sure there's no need for a conference," Jim remarked; "Your message has always been heard loud and clear."

"It better be! I mean it, Jim; if I ever catch you with her…"

He shook his head. "Never going to happen, I swear on my mother's grave."

"You make damn sure it doesn't. I don't even like knowing you're around her but there's nothing I can do about that as long as Jeff's married to her. I can't believe you ate with her though! I am your wife, I don't care if you're mad at me or not; you do not eat with sluts!"

"Baby," he began.

"And there it is," Johanna interrupted; "The admission of wrong doing…every time you call me baby it means you're trying to pull your ass out of a fire."

"Sweetheart," he said instead; trying not to laugh at the outrage on her face. "There's no need to be jealous; you know I'm yours."

"You want me to hit you, don't you?" she asked.

"No, not really," he laughed as he reached for her. "I'd much rather you come back over here and let me make up to you some more."

"I don't know if I can; you've killed my mood with the news of your dining companion…while I was home not eating dinner because I didn't want to eat alone."

"I'm sorry," he murmured against her ear; his lips pressing soft kisses against the line of her jaw.

"Mhmm."

"I am," he said as he grabbed her pillow and put it back in place behind her and then swiftly guided her to lay back on it. "You know you're my girl; my only girl."

"I better be your only girl," she remarked.

"You are; no one could ever compare to you."

She breathed deeply; her fingers sinking into his hair. "We should get up."

Jim shook his head; his lips brushing against her neck. "No; we should stay here…you're tense again; I need to relax you."

"You're the one who caused the tension to return."

"Which is why I should remove it; it's my duty," he remarked, making her laugh a little.

"We've been in bed most of the day."

"Who cares?" Jim asked; "Remember a long time ago when we wished for times like this; when we could just stay in bed all day and talk and be together, do whatever we wanted?"

"Yeah, I remember," she sighed.

"Well there's nothing stopping us from doing that today; I'm not going to work and you're not going anywhere. We don't have a kid in the house; the phones are being ignored…come on; let's grab the opportunity."

Johanna smiled. "Okay; you've made a convincing argument, counselor; you win."

He grinned. "It's about time," he said before capturing her lips in a kiss.

She gave in; wanting nothing more than to get back to their brand of normalcy and a quiet afternoon spent wrapped up in him after a morning of complicated talks and making up seemed like the perfect thing to finish smoothing things over. Her hand slipped beneath his shirt and moved against his back as his kisses slowly scattered her thoughts…until a voice yelling "Dad" from downstairs broke the quietness that had surrounded them.

"What was that you said about not having a kid in the house?" she asked.

Jim's head fell against her shoulder. "I swear to God, it never misses; if it isn't Jeff, it's Katie…if I didn't know better, I'd think she belonged to him."

Johanna smacked his shoulder. "She is definitely yours; don't you ever doubt it."

"Believe me, I don't...but it's like they know when I have you right where I want you."

She giggled softly. "Maybe we need to go away again."

"Dad!" the voice yelled louder.

Jim sighed. "Do you want to go see what she wants?"

"No; she's yelling for you," Johanna replied.

"Dad!"

"I'll be down in a minute, Katie," he yelled back.

Johanna smiled up at her husband, her hand slipping away from his back and patting his arm. "Go be a good father."

"I don't want to," he grumbled as he moved away from her.

"But you have to," she laughed.

"I know…you just remember where we left off."

"I promise," she murmured before he stole another kiss and then forced himself out of bed.

---

Jim could hear his daughter pacing downstairs in the living room and a feeling of dread filled his stomach as he made his way downstairs. What black cloud was hanging over them now? He no sooner stepped off the bottom step and Kate was in front of him, Rick hovering in the background.

"What's wrong, Katie?" he asked as he took note of the anxiety in her eyes.

"Were you at the hospital last night?" she demanded to know; her tone somewhat shaky.

Jim blew out a breath, so that was it. "Yeah; why, is it on the news? Please tell me it's not on the news."

"Not that I know of," she replied.

"Then how did you know?"

"A cop I know was there with her grandmother; she saw you; she said Mom's hurt; she said she heard something about a knife. What happened? Where is she? Where's Mom?" she rambled without realizing that she was doing it.

Jim caught hold of her arms, forcing her gaze back to his face. "She's fine, Katie; she's upstairs in bed."

Anguish and panic still rolled through her stomach and she tried to keep her father from seeing it but she knew she was failing as his hands gently remained on her arms, giving her a soft squeeze. "What happened?" she asked; her voice still wobbly.

"She cut the palm of her hand while washing dishes; she wasn't paying attention and grabbed a chef's knife by the blade instead of the handle; it was an accident. It bled a lot but the doctor said it looked worse than it was; she did have to get stitches but he used something called liquid stitches that he said she can peel off in a week or ten days. She's fine."

"Why didn't you call me?"

"It was late, Katie; I got home after midnight and she was standing in the kitchen at the sink with her hand bleeding. We had to wait an hour before the doctor even saw her and then they gave her a tetanus shot and cleaned it, stitched it and bandaged it and that took some time too. We didn't get home until nearly four in the morning. We were tired and went to bed."

The explanation was simple as Castle had told her it would be but it didn't ease the knot in her stomach or the anguish she felt as her mind worked furiously through the things her father had told her. "Why were you just getting home at midnight?" she asked as his hands slipped away from her arms.

Jim squeezed the back of his neck. "I went to Jeff's to play pool."

Kate eyed him inquisitively. "Why would you go to Jeff's to play pool when Mom was finally coming home from her little vacation at Frankie's…I thought you two were going to work out your differences last night."

"She was a little late getting home and I got mad and left," he remarked; "It was stupid and I'm not proud of it, okay?"

"Uh huh; so I guess she was washing dishes at midnight because she was waiting to see if you were coming home or not?"

"That's my assumption."

"I want to see her," Kate said, moving toward the stairs but Jim blocked her path.

"She's resting; she'll call you later."

"If she's really fine and it's just a cut in her hand, she doesn't require that much rest; I want to see her."

"She's fine; trust me."

"Dad," she said sharply; "I want to see my mother; now let me see her!"

"I'm right here," Johanna said as she appeared on the stairs. "What's wrong?"

Kate looked up at her mother, taking note that she was clad in her thin black robe and that a white hospital bandage was wrapped around her left hand. Her stomach continued to churn and for the moment her words deserted her as she stared at her, barely registering her mother's voice as she greeted Castle.

"She heard about your trip to the ER last night," Jim finally supplied for her.

"It's not on the news is it?" Johanna asked with a sigh.

"I've haven't found anything about it," Castle said, waving his phone in their direction. "A fellow officer was in the waiting room last night at the same time you were there; she heard something about a knife wound."

"I see," Johanna murmured as she came down the remaining three steps to stand in front of her daughter. "I'm alright, Katie," she told her as she raised her hand for her to see the bandage. "It's just a cut; nothing to worry about."

Kate swallowed hard; tears stinging her eyes despite her best efforts to keep emotion at bay as she glanced from the bandage to her mother's face once more. "A knife wound," she stated; her voice low and tight.

"Yes," Johanna replied gently. "But I'm alright."

"How did it happen," she asked.

"I already told you," Jim remarked.

His daughter's eyes flashed with temper and anger. "Well I want to hear it from her; you weren't here, you left her here alone all night."

Jim bit back a hasty remark; his feelings stung at the subtle accusation that leaving Johanna alone left her open to being hurt…or worse; maybe she believed that her mother had been injured in the course of argument and he couldn't bear the thought of anyone thinking that he'd hurt her, especially their own daughter who should know better. He kept his mouth shut though; knowing that it wasn't something she would've said in normal circumstances…she had heard about the incident and panicked, allowing bad memories to run rampant just as he had. He couldn't say a word about her harsh remark; he had to let it go.

Johanna waited a moment to see if Jim would respond to Kate's remark and when he didn't she stepped closer to her daughter and studied her, reading the various emotions in her eyes. The incident was minor and yet it had brought back terrible memories for the two people she loved most; maybe Katie the most given that a cop gave her the news about spotting them in the ER and that a knife was involved. She reached for her and pulled her into a hug, hoping that she wouldn't be shunned since they hadn't been on the best of terms all week.

Kate's sank into her mother's embrace willingly; her arms going around her tightly as she breathed in her scent. Without a warning a sob tore free from her throat; the fear and panic, the multitude of bad memories that had tormented her on the drive over breaking free. Her mother held her tightly; her uninjured hand running over her hair soothingly. "It's okay; I've got you," Johanna murmured in her ear; the same words she had whispered to her all through out her childhood and it only made her cry more.

"It's alright, Katie," Johanna said softly; "It was just an accident. I was here alone but the doors were locked and so are the windows. I couldn't sleep; I had too much on my mind so I thought I'd clean up. I was washing the dishes; I got to the silverware and dropped it into the sink…and I dropped the chef's knife in too and usually I wouldn't have put it in with the other utensils to avoid an accident but I wasn't paying attention, I wasn't thinking about what I was doing. The knife was under the water and soap, I didn't realize that it went in at a bit of an angle; the tip of the blade leaning against the curve of the sink, keeping it from being flat on the bottom of the sink; when I reached into the water, I wrapped my hand around the blade because the soap kept me from seeing it. It sliced into my palm…the knife was new; it's only been used a few times so it was still very sharp. I was expecting to get a hold of the handle and so my grip was tight because I know how the handles can slide out of your hand when they're wet. It was just an accident; no one hurt me. I did it to myself by not watching what I was doing. I know it brings back bad memories but I'm okay…a few stitches and a feeling of stupidity but I'm fine, I promise. Your father threw the knife away and you can be sure that I'll definitely be more careful when washing knives."

Kate tried to stop the flow of tears but they kept coming and she hated herself for falling apart like that; for being so shaken by the thought of an injury to her mother. "I tried to call a little while ago," she managed to say; "Neither one of you answered."

"I'm sorry, honey," her mother murmured; "My phone is still in my purse but I heard it ring; your father asked that we ignore the phones because we were talking…we didn't talk yesterday about our issues we were having but we've been talking about it all morning and we didn't want to interrupt it. I don't think it even crossed our minds that the same person might be calling both of us; we both just figured we'd return calls later. I'm sorry; we should've looked to see who it was; I didn't mean to cause you more worry."

She knew her fingers were digging through the thin material of the clothes her mother wore and into her skin and yet she couldn't seem to let go just yet. Her stomach had unclenched but it still felt queasy and she felt somewhat embarrassed for breaking down over a minor wound. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"For what?" Johanna asked.

"For this," she cried.

"There's nothing to be sorry for…it brought back bad memories for all of us and I'm sorry that my negligence caused that. I'm also sorry that we didn't think to call you just in case it did end up on the news somewhere that we were spotted at the hospital. I was just so tired when we got home, Katie; I wasn't thinking about much of anything."

"I just figured Dad was getting even with me," she confessed. "He recently remarked about how I never notify him of injuries."

"I'm not that cruel, Katie," Jim remarked. "I wouldn't purposely keep you in the dark about your mother's health or mine."

She ignored him, focusing on the soft pat of her mother's hand against her back. "He wouldn't do that, sweetheart…he's in enough trouble for having dinner with a whore."

"What?" Kate exclaimed, pulling herself out of her mother's embrace.

"Oh God," Jim muttered; "You may as well sit down, Rick; it'll probably take them awhile to plot my demise."

The writer grinned. "What did you do, Jim?"

"Nothing, I swear."

"He ate dinner with Melanie," Johanna told their daughter; using the incident to pull her daughter from her bleak thoughts and bad memories.

"Dad!" Kate exclaimed; "What the hell were you thinking?!"

"It's not like that," he said throwing his hands up in the air as he retreated to the recliner. "Jeff was there!"

"I don't care if the Pope was there," Kate replied; "You don't eat with your wife's arch nemesis; what were you thinking?!"

"I was thinking I was hungry and Jeff called for a bucket of chicken."

"You ate fried chicken with her!" his daughter exclaimed. "Are you insane?"

"Bad move, Jim," Castle tsked with amusement.

Jim smirked at him. "Should a man who accepted a date on live TV while his girlfriend watched backstage really throw stones here?"

"Touché," he replied. "But I would like to say that she wasn't her arch nemesis."

"At least not at that moment," Jim remarked; "I would say she became one fairly quickly though."

"Okay I'll give you that one," Castle replied.

"It gets worse," Johanna said, bringing her daughter's attention back to her. "He implied to the slut Queen that it would be nice for us to have dinner with her and Jeff."

Kate gave her father a look of disgust. "Really, Dad? You want bloodshed as a floorshow for dinner?"

"I was just being polite when Melanie brought it up," Jim replied. "I was a guest in their home; what was I supposed to do?"

""You're not supposed to accept the date," Castle answered; "At least that's what I've learned."

"It's good that you've learned your lesson about that, Rick," Jim commented. "It means I won't ever have to shoot you."

"That's good to know," the younger man replied; "Although if it needed to be done, your daughter would probably beat you to it."

Jim chuckled. "Hell her mother would probably beat me to it."

"I'm not going to chance finding out which of you could get there first," Castle stated.

"Good idea," Johanna remarked. "It remains to be seen though if I'll have to shoot Melanie…and my husband better remember what I told him."

"Trust me, dear; I'm in no danger of forgetting."

Kate eyed her father. "You should also keep in mind that when Melanie is involved, her aim is incredibly accurate."

"I haven't forgotten that bit of information either," Jim replied.

"Make sure you don't," Johanna stated before giving her attention back to her daughter. "Are you off work for the rest of the day?"

"No; I took a break after hearing about your trip to the hospital," Kate replied. "I have to be heading back."

"Do you want to come back for dinner?" her mother asked. "Rick can come with you."

Kate shoved her hands into the pockets of her jacket. "Not tonight; we have plans. Martha's new show is giving a special family night performance before it opens next week so we're going to that and dinner."

"Oh," Johanna said, swallowing back the sting jealousy that she was once again overlooked in favor of Martha. "Some other time then."

Her daughter shifted on her feet. "I'll come over tomorrow for dinner; there's something I want to talk to you about anyway."

Johanna regarded her warily. "What is it?"

"Nothing bad," she assured; "It can wait until tomorrow."

"Why not do it now?" Johanna asked. "You know I don't like things hanging over my head."

She gave a short laugh. "Nothing's hanging over your head; it's nothing bad, we'll talk about it tomorrow. I have to get back to work and you and Dad can get back to whatever you were doing. I'll see you tomorrow…that is if it's alright, you haven't exactly said that it's fine. Do you have plans?"

"We don't have any plans, Katie," Jim remarked from his chair.

"Alright, then I'll see you tomorrow."

"Katie," Johanna said in exasperation; "Just call me later and tell me what it is."

"I'm going out tonight, I told you that. Relax, it's nothing worth keeping you up at night," Kate answered as she hugged her and pressed a quick kiss to her cheek. "Take care of your hand; order takeout tonight and give it a break."

"I've already been informed that we're ordering take out," Johanna replied. "Your father has always been a very strict caretaker."

"I remember," her daughter replied. "I'll see you tomorrow; call if you need me."

"We will," Johanna answered before saying goodbye to Castle as Kate kissed her father's cheek.

Their guests were gone in a matter of seconds but Johanna remained on her feet, Kate's comment about something she wanted to talk about running through her mind while Jim relocked the door. "Come on," Jim said as he took her hand. "Let's go back upstairs."

"What do you think she wants to talk about?" she asked as she allowed him to tug her along with him to the stairs.

"Clearly it isn't anything to worry about since she didn't stick around to discuss it," he answered. "Everything's fine…let's get back to us and where we left off."

She'd like very much to get back to where they had left off but she wasn't sure she'd be able to now that her mind had something else to ponder. That would teach her not to answer her phone.

---

"What's wrong?" Jim asked that evening as he watched Johanna frown while she dunked a French fry into a glob of ketchup.

His wife sighed. "I hate when people tell me they want to talk to me but won't tell me why…it drives me crazy."

He gave her a small smile. "She said it's nothing bad."

"Yeah; I've heard that before…from my mother," Johanna remarked. "Mom was always good for that "come over for dinner, dear, we want to see you" comment and it never ended well. Like that time she told me to come over because they wanted to see me and here she had invited her friend's son who worked in the produce department at the market because she thought maybe we'd make a good match."

Jim laughed. "Well since I'm sitting here instead of him, I'm going to guess that it wasn't a good match at all."

"He was a total nerd who was afraid of his own shadow."

"Ugly too?" he couldn't help but ask.

"No, not really; he wasn't too bad looking, not in your league of course but…he just had no personality. He was dull…he could barely speak to me, I don't know what the hell my mother was thinking or how much her friend paid her to set up that little dinner but let me assure you, she never brought home a man from the market for me again."

"Lucky for me," he quipped.

She gave a soft laugh. "Don't you forget it."

"Not for a single second."

Her smile faded, her fingers picking up another French fry and dunking it into the ketchup. "My mother also used that 'come to dinner, we want to talk to you' line when my father needed a lawyer and he chose me…against my will…."

Jim nodded. "I remember…but you don't need to worry too much; I'm sure Katie didn't pick up anyone for you at the market and I'm sure she doesn't need a lawyer…if she did, I'm sure we'd be the last to hear about it."

"That's probably the truth, but still, why didn't she just go ahead and spit it out? Now I'll worry about it all damn night and I don't want to! I was relaxed, I was happy."

"I told you we should've stayed in bed," her husband replied.

"It's hard to do that when your daughter is in the house yelling for you."

"Oh so now she's mine?" Jim asked.

"She did yell for you."

"Yeah but it concerned you," he reminded her.

She frowned. "Okay but still, it's not like we had a choice but to abandon the plan."

"We could've gone back upstairs once she left."

"We did!"

"Not in the way I had hoped."

"Sorry," Johanna replied; "That 'I need to talk to you' thing kind of killed my mood."

"I could've helped you find it but you wouldn't let me distract you."

She smirked at him. "Forgive me for being hungry…unlike you I didn't eat chicken with a whore last night."

Jim smiled. "I'm going to pay for that, aren't I?"

"Probably a little," she remarked. "You're just lucky you got what you wanted before dropping that little bombshell or we'd still be missing that step of the make up process."

He glanced at her, catching her gaze and holding it. "Speaking of making up, in the general sense of the word that is, are we good now?"

"I certainly hope so," Johanna replied. "I don't like when we fight, Jim; I never have…but I like it even less when it's a bunch of stupid things that we let snowball."

He shook his head. "It wasn't stupid; at least not what started it…that was an issue we needed to take care of. It got away from us and that's what snowballed. You know how I am sometimes, Jo…I just don't take a minute to think and end up making things worse."

"I'm not exactly innocent of that myself," she told him. "I allowed your words to make me angry enough that I went out on my own without telling you and that made things worse."

"Yeah…but in the long run maybe it wasn't such a bad thing; it was something you needed to do and you did it…maybe not for the right reason but you did it anyway."

Johanna gave a nod. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the reporter right away," she said quietly. "I didn't intend to keep it from you; I would've told you…but you were still mad when you got home and Katie had stirred things up a bit and made it worse. I was too busy thinking about the things she said and implied about no one needing me and it pushed the reporter incident to the back of my mind, especially when I got that migraine that night. I did want to tell you though and I would've the next morning if it hadn't been for being sick that night…I wanted you to be proud of me for handling it and it just ended up being another blow up."

Jim brushed his fingers against hers. "I am proud of you," he said sincerely. "I'm sorry I didn't let you know that. You did handle it, you did just fine and I'm proud. I didn't let myself feel that at first because I guess I wanted to be mad…and because it scares me thinking about how easily they can corner you in public when you're alone."

"It scares me too," she confessed. "I had my phone in my hand; I typed out a help message to Katie in Italian just in case I needed to hit send."

"Why Italian?"

"Because the guy with the camera was trying to see my phone…I didn't want him to know I was nervous."

"That makes sense…but maybe you should let Katie know that you might use messages like that if you're in an uncomfortable situation…you might want to brush up on a few phrases with her."

"You're right, I do need to tell her and I will…if you remind me after whatever little talk we're going to have tomorrow."

"I'll remind you," he assured; "And don't worry until you have reason to; I'm sure whatever Katie wants can't be that bad."

"I hope not," Johanna remarked; "But you know, I'm not all that big on surprises these days."

"I'm going to have to work on that," her husband replied.

"Oh yeah? What do you have in mind?"

"If I told you it wouldn't be a surprise."

She smiled. "What if I said we could go back upstairs after we finish eating?"

Jim laughed. "Well then I'm sure I could come up with some things for discussion…but I'm keeping a few things top secret."

"I can live with that," Johanna said as she snatched a fry off his plate.

He smiled; watching as she popped his French fry into her mouth; some things never changed and he was glad…he was glad that peace had been restored, that they had been able to find the reset button and get things back on track enough that she was comfortable indulging in old habits.

"What?" Johanna asked.

Jim shook his head. "What?"

"You looked like you were thinking devious thoughts," she teased.

"No; honestly I wasn't but I will now since you gave me the idea."

Johanna laughed. "Well then what were you thinking?"

"I was thinking that I'm glad you still like to steal my fries."

A smile spread across her lips. "I'm glad you still don't mind…and that you always eat the last bite of my cake."

"It's only fair," he remarked; "I always keep the last bite of my pie for you."

"And I'm grateful," she said with a soft laugh. "I wonder how many people have thought we were weird for that over the years?"

"I don't know and I don't care…I figure they're really just jealous that no one shares their dessert with them."

"Maybe so," Johanna said with a smile before turning serious again. "We're good?"

"Yeah, sweetheart; we're good…just don't run away from home anymore, okay?"

"Don't make me feel like it's necessary and I won't."

"Fair enough," Jim conceded.

"I love you," she murmured.

"I love you too," he replied. "Now finish your food and quit worrying about Katie; whatever it is she wants to talk about will be fine."

"Can't you call her up and find out what it is?" Johanna asked.

"No; that would get in the way of us going back upstairs," her husband quipped.

She rolled her eyes but smiled. "Fine, be that way."

Jim gave her a reassuring smile. "Just put it from your mind, Jo; you'll find out what it is soon enough and it'll be alright. Just relax."

Johanna gave the expected nod but she knew she wouldn't be able to totally put it from her mind. She didn't know what her daughter wanted to discuss but she hoped she'd be able to handle it without causing further discord between them.