A/N So. It's been a long time. Like, a really freakin' LONG TIME. I hadn't abandoned this, I just ran out of original ideas. So if anyone has any requests, feel free to send 'em in because I love this story and I NEED THEM! Also, and I'm not normally this fluffy, it has absolutely staggered me how popular this story has become. It was a stupid idea I had at work one morning, and 16,500 words later it has more than FIFTY THOUSAND VIEWS. That's a really really big number. There has literally not been a single day since the first chapter was uploaded that this story has not had at least one visitor. Thank you. You have no idea how scary I find it that people actually like my slightly nonsensical ramblings. My usual response to the traffic charts is "But why would you want to read my stories?!"
But anyways, new chapter (finally!), enjoy!

NEWSFLASH! LOOK OVER HERE! For a very long time I've been debating the idea of a spin-off about the squad mates (and other major characters); written in the same style but with one chapter each rather than a whole story each. Hopefully it will be coming soon so keep an eye out for that, and if you have any requests, again, send 'em in!

This chapter is dedicated to t3HPrO for giving me that kick up the ass all that long time ago. You might not remember but I did say I was dedicating the next chapter to you!

Alliance Security Log 37482.C-84

Public Disturbance

Kings College Hospital, London [KCH London]

Reports of thousands of small birds being released in the vicinity of the hospital by a cargo ship.

UPDATE: Alliance Security personnel on scene confirm that thousands of Cyanistes caeruleus have been released by a cargo ship hovering next to the eighth floor of the hospital. Confirmed not to be a safety hazard, however the birds are causing concern to staff. Ship unresponsive to requests to refrain from activity. Ship details are being traced.

UPDATE: Ship is registered to Tarka Trading Inc., dissolved during the Reaper War with assets being taken possession of by the Shadow Broker.

UPDATE: Ship has left scene, still unresponsive to communication requests and demands by Alliance Security. Given the minimal severity of the situation the ship will not be pursued.

CASE STATUS: Open, Resolved.

EXTRANET MESSAGE

From: T'SONI, L.
To: SHEPARD, J.
Subj: Cyanistes caeruleus

You said you wanted to see my Blue Tits. I sent you 3,000.
-Liara

EXTRANET MESSAGE
From: MASSANI, Z.
To: SHEPARD, J.
Subj: Flowerpotting Language Filter

I sent that Gorgeous Dashing quarian Tali a few extranet messages and she goes and starts complaining about my Flowerpotting swearing. Next thing I Flowerpotting know I've got this Gorgeous Dashing language filter on my Gorgeous Dashing outgoing messages. I've asked her to remove the Flowerpotting thing but she won't. Twist her arm for me please? It's a miracle I haven't wanted to twist her Gorgeous Dashing head off by now, but Flowerpot me, that Aspiration…
Z.

EXTRANET MESSAGE
From: VAS MOREH, DARO'XEN
To: SHEPARD, J.
Subj: Stripped Geth Unit

I'm sending the geth unit that you requested by private courier. Shell only, all other hardware removed. I must admit that I'm still intrigued as to exactly why you want this? Are you planning on rehousing your EDI inside a geth costume? I can't imagine why though, I saw what was salvaged of her, the external hardware's still intact, the same as the geth; it was only the internal circuits that were fried. Or what's that holiday? Halloween? When you humans dress up in absurd costumes in some hilarious attempt to…well…I'm not really sure to be frank with you. Are you dressing EDI as a geth for the holiday?

Anyway, I digress. I also wanted to let you know, further to your enquiry, that the project to assess the geth and determine the prospect of future functionality (or "switch them back on" as you so eloquently put it) is going well. It would be going better if you would lend us EDI for a while though. She'll come back mostly intact, I assure you.

Admiral Daro'Xen vas Moreh
Head of Research and Development on board the Migrant Fleet

EXTRANET MESSAGE
From: EXTRATERRESTRIALWARE
To: SHEPARD, J.
Subj: Your Receipt

Thank you for your recent order.

Order Details:

A****ware Transitus X™

Enter the game universe with this advanced desktop available with the new, factory-overclocked Intel® SuperCore™ i93 twenty-core IvyBridge-E Extreme Edition processors with X302 chipset, Windows 29+ and up to 40GB UGDR19 performance graphics, all in an expandable chassis.

• IvyBridge-E family of Intel® SuperCore™ i93 6 and 8 core processors

• Windows® 29+ (1024Bit)

• Dual NVIDIA® UltiForce® UTX 1780 SLI graphics

• Liquid cooling unit & ALX chassis with active venting

3,500 Credits

Total: 3,500 Credits + 100 Credit Delivery Charge
3,600 Credits
PAID

EXTRATERRESTRIALWARE, formerly known as Alienware. Cross-species class action lawsuit pending.

Alliance Security Log 37972.B-10

Kings College Hospital, London [KCH London]

Reports of a functional geth standing guard outside room occupied by LCDR SHEPARD, J., refusing to let medical staff enter. It is not known if the geth is armed. No violence thus far.

UPDATE: Alliance Security Personnel are on scene. Geth unit is refusing to co-operate; all attempts to communicate with it are replied with "This one only takes orders from Shepard-Commander." Efforts to communicate with LCDR SHEPARD, J. are fruitless.

UPDATE: Technical Hazard Proving (TeHPro) Drones en route to KCH London to scan geth for weapons.

UPDATE: TeHPro scans complete. Geth is unarmed and apparently not a geth; rather a low-powered computer housed in a geth "shell". Alliance Security Personnel to confront geth.

UPDATE: Geth unit powered down. Was found to indeed be a geth shell powered by a desktop computer, controlled by LCDR SHEPARD, J. using an omni-tool found in his possession. Geth unit and omni-tool confiscated. Shotgun discovered under Shepard's pillow also confiscated. Security review into how Shepard came into possession of such items pending.

UPDATE: LCDR SHEPARD, J. has been given a formal caution for 51-03 POSSESSION OF AI HARDWARE, 29-64 POSSESSION OF ILLEGAL FIREARMS, 20-38a POSSESSION OF ITEMS BANNED FROM PERSONAL USE; Possession of an item specifically prohibited by an earlier judgement/caution by Alliance Security Services.

CASE STATUS: Closed, Resolved.