Hey all! I have a wee bit of writer's block coupled with a severe attack of laziness. Sorry it took so very long. It may be a bit shorter than I was intending, but it's the best I have right now.

Thank you so very much to those that reviewed! Especially those that have been so generous to review repeatedly. You make the world go round!

I own nothing. One quote from Family guy's blue harvest. Rated M. NSFW (Norwegian Seals For Wildflowers), yeah, I went there.

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I swear to the Maker I am going to stab her in the face. The face! I don't care if that is uncouth or not, I think that Hooker-bitch 2 needs a nice knife in the face. Don't think I won't do it. Oh, I will…I really will. Right after I finish trying to fend off Loghain's hussy.

She wanted me to go with her peacefully. Ha! She doesn't know me very well, does she? I chuckled darkly at the thought and earn myself a glare from said hussy. No, not Leliana, glad you are paying attention though. I know where they were going to take me and quite frankly, I don't think I would like Fort Drakon very much. Call me vain, but broken bones and torture marks never flattered my eye color.

Damn! The hussy just cut my arm. I glare at her very effectively as Alistair calls down a holy smite on them all. I have to admit that for a templar, it is a rather impressive move. Don't tell that to them though, or they get a bid head over the whole thing. The last time I complimented him, it took me four days to convince him that he was not 'The greatest Templar to ever live.' Oh yes, time at camp proved to be very…entertaining. The things Morrigan said! Why there was this one time she-

Oi! That bitch just cut my hair! No one cuts my hair! I flew into a series of spells and knocked her flat on her back with a glyph of repulsion. I quickly grabbed a nearby fallen short sword and engaged her in swordplay as soon as Loghain's hussy moved to stand. I really have to start remembering my foes' names or something. Having to reduce them all to derogatory nicknames really wears on my creative side. There are only so many ways to rephrase 'jackass' or 'slut-nugget'.

I can hear the sounds of my companions in their own battles over life and death. Hm. You seem to have neglected to remember that we are totally awesome. I smashed the hilt of my sword into the hussy's face and she made the most amusing grunt I have ever heard. I think I would be able to call pigs with that sound. I grinned fatally at her and ran her through.

Call me a churl again.

Pondering on the events of the last half hour I realized something. I have been working backwards in my bid to get revenge on those that have wronged me. I should have killed Loghain first, then Howe, then Ser Cauthrien. Oh well, I do things my way anyway so this is really a moot point, but it was fun to do! I get a hearty chuckle from Oghren as the last of our would-be captors goes down in a pool of blood and what looks to be man-chunks…

Gross.

I nod to my men with appreciation and glared at the door where hooker-bitch 2 had run away like a frightened pansy. What a fucking amateur. She is so dead. I can't even tell you how dead she is going to be, but it will be messy and she will be…well…dead! I sigh. I really need to stop rambling, I swear.

"I knew she was going to betray us." Alistair you shut up this instant. If you 'knew' then why in the name of the fade didn't you do something? It took me a few breaths and telling myself that I need Alistair on the throne to keep me from punching him in the throat.

In moments like this, I think I should have just stayed in the tower.

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I haven't washed the blood off of me and I know I must reek to the high skies of the fade; but I really wanted to get back and have a 'chat' with a certain back-stabber. Uh, no, I don't mean Zevran. He's a rogue back-stabbing is good for him. I mean you should see how critically he can strike! The man had to have been one of the best Crows around. Geez, he is good, but we all know I am better.

I'm a deadly sex goddess after all.

I stride into Eamon's estate with a trail of magic at my fingertips. Alistair looks a little uneasy. Simmer down now little templar, I'm not going to go become an abomination. I am just going to slaughter Ferledan's current ruler. You need to relax, you know that right? Sure, I know that I am a bit furious right now, but you need to calm down. Oh, and if anyone would like to assist me in shoving my staff down the hooker-bitch's throat; please form a single-file line and I go first.

Goodie…there you are you traitorous barren bitch. Huh. This sort of feels like déjà-vu. My fingers are twitching for me to haul back and slap her. Why, I thought you would never ask! Don't mind if I do! Just as I am about to fling my fist forward Cullen grabs me in a hug.

Hi sweetie, I'm busy trying to strangle a twit right now.

I glared at the Whore-Queen with sheer malice and she opened her obnoxious trap. "What did you expect me to do?" Uh, not throw me under the carriage sounds like a reasonable request. It tends to make me feel less like making friends. I mean, standing up like the ruler you are supposed to be is a thought. I'm just saying. "I asked you not to tell them I was involved." Meh, that was only what? Three seconds before I was forced to slaughter about thirty people while you ran your cowardly ass out of the estate. "How else would I have escaped." Ok. I really have a problem with you. The largest of which is that you are counting on me to save this fine country of ours and you would have let someone kill me. My second largest problem with you is that you let your 'daddy' walk all over you, but being that you are a backstabbing whore, I am sure that is a lie as well. Someone is trying to kill you now.

I'm Solona Amell. It's a pleasure to meet you hooker-bitch 2.

Eamon…I don't give a flying bronto that we need to focus on the lands meet. I am going to filet this miserable wench right here. What? No…I don't want to go to the alienage. Um, because I shouldn't have too, isn't this exactly why I freed the Whore Queen to begin with? This is her damn problem, not mine. My problem is a gargantuian blight that is about to break loose all over Fereldan. You remember that part right? Seriously, am I the only person in all of Thedas that gives a crap about the impending end of civilization as we know it? I must be because all of you blasted people want to start petty squabbles over the throne.

Maker's pimply ass! Whore-Queen you and I are not speaking about one blasted thing. You lie more than Leliana does on her back. Heh heh. I should write that one down. Where is my pen...? No Eamon! I saved you by going to a place that by all the laws of physics should not have even existed and the very least you can do it go to the fading alienage yourself. You Maker-damned whiny ass bastard!

No!

I said no, curse you!

Sten, put me down right now! I am not going!

I kicked at Sten with all of my might as he was forcibly taking me out of the Arl's estate. I grabbed at the door frame and valiantly tried to keep myself from going any closer to the door. Sten grunted in annoyance and tired to pull me lose. I clung to the doorway like a cat clings to a tree limb while hanging over a large body of water. I am not going to let go without one fade of a fight.

"Stop that Solona." Wynne scolded me. "You are acting childish."

"I am not going." I growled at them and I hissed in pain when Sten gave a particularly vicious tug on my arm. Sod off you Qunari giant!

"You are well. You will go." Sten's voice was firm and he tried to change tactics by twisting us both with all his might.

You won't take me alive! "You…can't…make…me." I snarled at them and dug my fingers in even harder against the stone and wood. Alistair and Morrigan had the audacity to look amused. Help me, don't just stand there looking like bumps on a log, help me!

"Phasshara! Why do you persist?" I persist because I am not going. I have ran all around this country, I have battled every enemy that has come my way, and I have done everything that has been asked of me. Why don't you all just go if you are so damn keen on the idea? I am tired. I am hungry. I am not setting foot outside that door!

Morrigan comes over and raps my fingers with her staff and I let go. I yelled at her out of reflex and Sten jerks us both forward with an alarming amount of force. There is not much I can do until we get to the next doorway and I cling to it once more.

"Warden. This will take a very long time if you continue to fight." Sten warns me as if I am a child. Excuse me? Who do you think you are talking to? Aren't you the one that keeps talking about having 'backbones' and 'honor'? Then honor my request and go without me.

"And here I thought you of all people would appreciate my will Sten." I murmured acerbically. Are you laughing Sten? Ok, now I am afraid. You really think I don't see you? "Don't you dare." I hissed at Morrigan as she came close with a devious smile painted on her lips.

"Solona, you are being unreasonable." Cullen, I am already going to strangle one betrayer; please don't make it two. "This is your duty." I scoffed at that. Ow! Stop pulling so hard on me you Qunari barbarian! Where was I? Oh that's right…duty. You think that is going to sway me? My duty is to fight the damn blight! I am trying to do that but you all seem to think that I have magical abilities when it comes to solving every problem in Fereldan! I am worn out!

I cried out as Sten yanked me off of the door way. Sten is very careful to rush headlong through the next threshold before I can gain a purchase on it. Crafty man. "Cullen! Stop them!" I'm panicking. I really don't want to go. No more! Can we please get to the blight? Why aren't you saving your betrothed templar? Come on, I slept with you! You owe it to me to save me!

Wait…

I honestly need to learn to phrase things better.

I feel my pride being stung when Cullen just laughs and shakes his head. I narrow my eyes and the retort to such the insult came rolling off of my lips before I could stop it. "Oh, I am so not marrying you now!" I only had a brief moment to see his stunned face before I was carried out the front door of the Arl's estate.

…..er….

….umm…

….well….

Uh….that might have been the wrong thing to say….

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Morrigan is blushing. That's right, you heard me. Morrigan is blushing because I spent the last half hour cursing so vividly, that I have horrified the Witch of the Wilds. I'm perversely proud of the accomplishment.

What? Like you wouldn't be?

So here I am, at the gnarled noble tavern, on my way to the alienage. Why did I stop at the tavern? Great question! I stopped because I needed to turn over that ring that the mostly-naked templar gave to me. Oh, and ask around about the mostly-naked boy I freed. Also to see if I can get my three companions drunk enough to escape. I'm stuck with Sten, Morrigan, and Zevran. I didn't even know Zevran was coming with us. He was just suddenly behind me grinning like an idiot.

Yes, I am a little worried about that too. I have no idea why he is so happy, but I don't think it bodes well. I stop over to speak with a grumpy looking man at the door and offer my sincerest apologies that his land has been overrun with darkspawn. I do feel terrible that everyone is dead and so I don't mind that he is a complete and utter dick to me…ok, that was lie, but I do feel bad that everyone is dead.

I also spoke to the templar's sister, who promised me that she would speak on Alistair's behalf, though I did not comment on the fact that a part from being in a lyrium-withdrawl induced state; he was very attractive. I will just keep that to myself for now. Ah ha! There is that father of the young man I saved.

Huh, now I feel old for some reason. Not as old as Wynne, mind you, but old all the same. Wynne is older than the tower. I snorted in laughter. Hm. I think the Blight might make me a mean person.

Too late now!

After being refused my very generous offer to buy them all drinks; I am threatened with being slung over Sten's shoulder if I don't go willingly to the alienage. I glanced apprehensively between all of them. I have taught them too well. This must be rectified.

So. In order to throw them off balance, I agreed and smiled. I am going to leave you all the first chance I get. That's right…look relieved…yes…I'm not going to run the second you turn your backs. Never… We walk to the gates of the alienage and I have to say it is a dump. I think we could easily ask all of these elves to come live in the tower. True, there might be a few more romances then last year, but I am sure the Chantry will get over it. I chuckled to myself. Maker! I love screwing with the Chantry. Hm…I wonder if that means I have authority issues.

Then, again, I am the Warden-Commander of Fereldan. Techinically, it could be argued that I am the authority. I like screwing with myself? Eww! That sounds dirty…ha ha ha!

"Did your people intend to be thrifty when they built this palace out of refuse?" Sten mocks lightly.

I shrug. They could have been. I really don't know but the disgust on your face is pricless!

"What is amusing you so dear Warden?" Zevran purrs in my ear. Rogues really need to learn the definition of personal space.

I shake my head telling him it's nothing as we walk upon a group of elves yelling loudly at a guy in mages robes talking about a 'plague'. Are you fading serious? A plague? What's next oh great Maker? Want to drown us all with rain? Ok, maybe that is being a touch ridiculous but I am very tired of further complications.

I spotted one very outspoken female elf and approached her. "What's going on here?"

"What's the matter shem? Afraid the elves are going to rebel." She sneers at me.

Well, stay here and rot you stuck up bitch.

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I groaned as I dragged my beaten form over the threshold of Arl Eamon's estate once more. I helped the elves. Of course I helped them. I am not a monster…and Zevran was standing right there. That might have weighed a bit on my decision.

Just a bit.

So to make a long story short, it turns out that Loghain planned on selling Fereldan citizens to the Tevinter Impirium for slaves. Diabolical, I know, but you have to admit the man is a subtle as a snake. You know, with the exception of sending the Crows after us and trying to stop us at every turn. Fine, this was the only thing he has ever done that was subtle. It is rather eerie that I didn't realize that he was the one behind all of this. It just seems so out of character for him.

I nearly cried at the sight of that comfortable looking bed as I continued on to see Eamon. I hate you all. I am letting any Hurlock that wants to, to rip your hair out! Pushy fading party members and their unfathomable urge to make me do things I don't want to. Curse them for being good at it!

I haven't spoken to the hooker-bitch 2 since my departure, and I don't plan on it. Sure, I could most likely sway her to help me out at the lands meet and then betray her like she did me; and admittedly part of me really likes that idea, but I think just yanking her throne out from under her is far more satisfying.

Then I am going to punch her in the throat, before I have Alistair execute her.

I go as far as to tell Eamon everything I have found out while I was running around Denerim wasting my damn time instead of fighting the Blight. I am still sore about that. I tell him that I am ready to call for the landsmeet because I want the fading soldiers you promised me. This has been more annoying than Orzammar…Sodding dwarves!

I excused myself to go change and I as I walked into my room I found a very upset looking Cullen.

….uh….Let me guess…you want to 'talk' don't you?

Fade me!