CH. 25: And I Won't Judge You

It's beyond chaotic when I get there. The party seems to be at its height as everyone seems to be having a good time. Nobody is in their sense of mind as they talk to everyone as if they have known them for years. Personal space is forgot as everyone crams up in small circles. The place reeks of beer and as I see people trying to balance on their feet, I am only reminded of the words I said to Ally yesterday.

As I make my way through the crowd it seems more hectic than the last time I came here. My heart is beating in my ears and my feet move on their own accord. Too many times I tug on people shoulders thinking its Ally. Every time it leaves me more concerned as I hear a clock ticking in my mind. After thirty minutes I am practically shoving a picture of Ally into people's faces, demanding them to tell if they have seen her at all tonight. I am about to call the police when I notice him. Again he's with a different girl that isn't Ally. He looks so calm and collected as he whispers in the girl's ear. Right now at this moment he is everything that I'm not.

As I push past the people in my way I'm holding my breath. Every second my gaze burns into his head. And when I reach him I pull him away from the girl who screams as if she just saw a monster. I grab him roughly by his collar and am shouting in his face, "Where the hell is Ally?"

He stops trying to undo the hold of my hands. Instead his annoyed face in now replaced by an arrogant smirk. He doesn't say anything to answer my question. He only begins laughing after a few seconds before telling me, "And why would I answer your question?"

At this moment any patience I had goes out the window. I know I'm not thinking straight when I push him to the ground and get on top of him. I know as I spit out my words with venom that if looks could kill this guy would be dead. My actions only make him laugh harder as he makes jokes. He keeps telling me to give him one reason to answer the question when all I do to Ally is hurt her. I try to scare him into answering but after a minute or so he gets quiet from the contact of my fist with his jaw. He caresses his face in an attempt for comfort but it's not until a second later that we start wrestling on the floor.

People make a circle around us as they encourage our bloody fight which ends bad. He has me pinned down on the ground. I have a bloody nose and he has a black eye. He's about to give me a black eye of my own when I whisper, "You should answer my question because … Ally and I maybe the biggest nuclear bomb waiting to go off from all the stupid shit we do but that's just it. We do so many stupid things because we care. Because we actually want to try to make each other happy. Yes we mess up. Yes I wouldn't fight with you on the fact that most times we are very dysfunctional. But I wouldn't be here right now looking for her if I didn't care. So can you please, please, just tell me where she is or might be..."

I see him raise his fist in the air and I wish my goodbyes to the earth as I shut my eyes tight. My jaw clenches in anticipation of his fist when all of a sudden I feel him pulling me up. We're both standing up when he says, "She most likely is dancing. You look over here and I'll look on the other side. In thirty minutes if you still haven't found her we'll meet at the table with drinks."

I don't have a chance to respond to him because he's already walking away from me on the opposite direction. Cleaning myself up a bit I start looking for Ally all over again. Except this time I feel slightly better. The thought of the blond guy who Ally knows makes my mind find peace at the thought that someone else here cares about her and is looking for her. Although all too soon my minutes slip away and I find myself once again shoving the picture of Ally into people's faces.

I am ready to give up and walk back defeated to the table with drinks when I spot her. She has her back towards me. The only thing that has me confused is the fact that she's not dancing. She stays still besides the movement of her hands. Yet when I see another pair of hands around her waist I lose control. I can't think clear as the only thought running through my mind is the fact that another man is touching her like I once did.

The closer I get to them the more I hear Ally's voice. I can't understand exactly what she's saying but from all the shouting we've done with each other I know for a fact that she is frustrated. I'm only a few feet away when her words ring in my ears, "No I don't want to go with you. Stop it! I don't want to drink anything."

And that's when any rational thought flies out the window. As soon as I get within reaching distance I pull Ally abruptly and out of the stranger's grasp as she yells, "Whoops." When she clashes into my body all she begins to do is giggle. I look down at her confused before looking up to demand a reason to her state of being. I open my mouth to start shouting at the person when my voice gets caught.

In front of me is no one else besides DallASS. He looks just as surprised as me before glaring at me. My mind is rushing with millions of thoughts when Ally's voice interrupts me, "Austin is that you? I thought you were home right now." In between her words she giggles before finishing by saying, "Can we go home now Austin? Can we leave?"

As I see her I know that she's going to have a hell of a hangover tomorrow. Looking straight back at Dallas I say, "What the hell did you do to her? I've never seem her this bad! What are you doing here? You never come to these type of things. Why the hell were you holding Ally against her will?!"

I'm breathing harshly when DallASS just decides to ignore me. He's looking back at Ally who is now curling up against me and starts telling her to go somewhere else. This only makes her grab onto me as if her life depends on it as he keeps telling her to go with him. This goes on for a few seconds as Ally keeps asking me to take her away from him. When he realizes that Ally and I are going to leave he goes out to grab her when I shove him to the ground. When I turn back Ally looks like an emotional wreak. I walk back to Ally to take her to my house and get her as sober as I can when DallASS shouts out one last time, "Ally you don't want to go with the person who told your secret to the entire school now do you? After all he was the only one you told!"

And as these words slip from his mouth it suddenly makes sense. DallASS was the one who placed the note and damaged our relationship. He couldn't stand the thought that Ally had left him. He didn't like it when Ally and I started to have a fling then later on turned to have a relationship. And most especially he didn't like me. I stay frozen for a few seconds before slowly turning around and asking him how the hell he know that Ally had told me. His face looks white when he hears my question. And for a second time stops. We just stare at each other when he starts screaming, "Ally was mine first. Everything was going to work according to plan when you interrupted it. If it weren't for you I would already have Ally in bed. In fact we were just about to go back to my house until you came along. You know you should really tell your bitch to watch her precious diary more often. Wouldn't want it to get into the wrong hands now would we?"

As I hear his speech he disgusts me. Everyone might think I'm a monster. They might think I use girls and take advantage of them. But I would never force a girl to go with me if she didn't want to. I start walking towards him to whip off his smug smirk when I hear Ally calling my name. And when I turn to look at her she looks so much like a defenseless child that when turn around I just say, "You know if this conversation had happened a while ago you would be at the hospital by now. But you're not worth it right now. Ally needs me more than you need a good beating." I start walking back to Ally when I turn around and say, "Oh and one more thing, she was never going to go with you because in case you didn't hear her she was telling you no even when I wasn't here."

With that I grab Ally and we slowly make our way through the maze of people. It only takes a few minutes to get to the table. There Ally starts giggling again as she speaks to the blonde guy whose name I now know is Ross. She keeps telling him my name is Austin over and over again. In no time we get Ally situated in Trish's car and I take her home.

When we reach my house all Ally keeps saying is that she's sorry. I'm not sure if she's thinking in her right mind when she tells me that my doors are small as she tries to climb out the passenger window. After helping her get out of the car, we slowly make our way inside of my house.

I don't even bother to turn on the lights when I open the door. Except Ally seems more restless as she tells me, "Austin do you forgive me?" I answer her question mindlessly when she repeats her question again and starts kissing my neck, asking for forgiveness. Stopping halfway up the stairs, I tell her to stop. Except this only encourages her more as she says, "She was pretty, you know? Prettier than me."
I look at her confused when I realize she's talking about the girl that she pulled off myself lap two days ago. I look at her sad as she continues to say, "You know I called Dez to take you home after I left. And then when he called me back to tell me you were fine I kept asking him who she was. And he kept telling me that it was nothing. But the way she was looking at you, I knew there was something. And she was touching you the way I once did. And you were letting her."

I keep trying to push her off me as she slowly starts kissing my jawbone. Somehow through her speech she managed to put a hand underneath my shirt and I keep trying to fight her but slowly I'm giving up. It's not too soon until her lips meet mine and I lose control. Any thought of getting her into the shower is thrown off my mind as I feel her close. My hands start to take a mind of their own and soon I'm pushing her up the wall. I'm kissing her neck when Ally starts speaking once again, "Austin I want you to have me. I want you to touch me like you used to do with all the girls before you met me."

Hearing her words make me abruptly stop my actions. I look into her eyes and I know what's she's asking me. She wants me to sleep with her. Except I can't. I can't do it when she's drunk as hell and has no clue what she's doing. I'm shaking my head in disagreement when she says, "You don't want me?"

Before I can start explaining the reasons to her she starts crying in front of me. In fact she's trying to undress herself as I dress her back up. With much trouble I somehow manage to get her inside my tub. By now she's given up trying to undress herself. Instead she's now telling herself that she's not pretty enough for me, that I deserve more. She even asks me if the other girls I have slept with were prettier than her. Yet the comment that breaks my heart the most is when she tells herself that she should have just let me get into her pants at the night of the party so then we could be together by now. So then maybe she could at least still keep me in her life somehow.

I wash her with cold water. I get into the tub with her to keep her balanced as I throw water on her and rinse her hair. And little by little she stops speaking. By the time I'm drying her with a towel I'm soaking wet. She's a bit better than the drunken state I found her in, but yet she is still a bit tipsy. Luckily though, I am put under no awkward moments as I leave her in the bathroom for a second to get changed into some sweat pants and shirt of mine. I'm actually very relieved when I open the door and find her changed. She's rubbing her eyes with her fists when I ask her if she's tired. She slowly nods her head and I lead her to my room. I lay her down on my bed before placing my blankets on her. I am only about to leave the room when she asks me to stay with her. And for some reason I find myself walking back to her and laying down right beside her before saying, "I love you Ally." And a smile grows on my face when I hear her say, "I love you too Austin."