Oh mama don't walk away
You leave me here bereaving from the words so hard and plain
Saying the love that we had
was just selfish and sad
But to see you now with him
is just making me mad
Oh so kiss him again
just to prove to me that you can
and I will stand here
and burn in my skin
Yes I will stand here
and burn in my skin
BPOV
We hadn't had much time to catch up, Alice and I, since she'd arrived back in the States. Her flight from Charles de Gaulle Airport landed in Seattle only three days before the shower and she'd spent the majority of that time in an Alice-shaped whirlwind between there and Forks. Although to her it was just another set of days in a series of colorful weeks in her extraordinary life. Nothing flustered her. Not Alice. She was never stressed by the demands or pressures of life and the lack of time it gave you to do all the things you loved. Life, as they say, is short. Alice had learned that the hard way well before any of us ever needed to. So why muck it up? Turn complications into opportunities, that was her motto.
We covered a good chunk of the important gossip in the short time we had alone, mostly over the phone while I was on lunch breaks at the store. She knew I'd been on a few dates with Mike and even though she was shocked at first, she understood why. It was nice having someone to hold your hand and call you pretty and open doors for you and pull the car around and to see their eyes light up when they look at you. Like the way it used to be with Edward.
I hadn't, however, told her about the times I let Mike put his hand under my shirt or the time I let him slip his hand down my pants when I was desperately hormonal and horny. We hadn't gone any further than that and we definitely had not come close to having any kind of sex. Not even a little hand jobbie for poor Mikey. He'd been dropping hints that he wanted to take things to the next level - asking "just curious" questions about how long into their pregnancy women can still have sex; if they still get the urge to do it. I answered vaguely and then complained about a phantom back pain or non-existent nausea to divert his attention. I was confused enough about what the fuck I was doing with him without bringing sex complications into the picture.
Alice parked behind a Lincoln Navigator and cut the engine. I fiddled nervously with the bottom button of my jacket, not moving to exit the car. In the rear view mirror I could still see the front fender of the silver Audi, spotless and gleaming from being under canvas for months.
"He's here, isn't he?"
"Rosalie must have gotten back early," Alice sighed, folding her hands in her lap.
"What are you talking about? That's Edward's car."
"She took it -"
"Took his car? Out of storage?"
"To pick him up. ...Bell, I may have fibbed a little about why Rosalie had to go back to Seattle so suddenly. Dammit," she mumbled. "It was supposed to be a surprise."
"You invited Edward to my shower. I'd call that a surprise."
A grin spread across her face. "And he came."
My skin flushed and I was suddenly baking inside the confines of Alice's tiny car. I needed air. It took me a few seconds but eventually I lifted myself up and out and to a standing position in the driveway.
Maybe some cold water on my face. Yes. Cold water and the toilet. There had to be at least ten bathrooms in that house and one of them had my name on it. I began walking.
"Bella, wait up, you're not mad are you? Let me help you, those steps are high," Alice called after me but my thoughts were busy and my legs kept moving.
Edward had flown across the country but he couldn't call. He flew five hours and drove three but he couldn't return a text message. What was I supposed to think about that? How was I supposed to react to that information? How was I supposed to react when I saw him?
I spun around before reaching the front porch.
"I don't want to see him."
"What? How can you say that? Of course you want to see him. You can't fool me, Bella. I know how hard it is for you to be away from him."
"How could you possibly know that?" I groaned.
"By putting myself in your shoes. I imagined about what it would feel like if I couldn't be with Jasper." She frowned and tiny lines formed around her mouth. "Just thinking about it makes me sad. And I'm not even thinking about all that other stuff."
"Yeah? Well seeing Edward is going to make me think about all that other stuff on top of reminding me how shitty it's going to feel when he leaves again. And I'd rather not if that's alright with you." I began to walk off again.
"Mike Newton? You don't love Mike Newton."
Her words stopped me.
"Stop saying his name like that, and who said anything about love?"
"Then what are you doing with him?"
I shrugged out of my jean jacket and steadied my weight on the railing. The October breeze rained orange and yellow leaves onto the Cullen's front lawn in an intricate quilted pattern.
"The hell if I know. He's nice and he calls back when he says he will. I can count on him." I groaned louder and pressed the balls of my hands into my eyes. "Ugh I don't know. You're so much better at life than me. The decisions. You would have done all this differently, made the right choices. Had the baby, kept the man. Idyllic, perfect results. It all would have worked out for you."
She stalked towards me with her hand on her hip. "What the hell are you talking about? The right choices? There are no right choices, my dear, there's only choices, and you do what you think is right. I wouldn't have done any better if faced with the same circumstances. ...You always want everyone to be happy, Bella. Me, Jacob, Jake's family, your mom, your dad - and Edward most of all. You even want Mike Newton to be happy, which is what being with you makes him. But what does that make you besides a miserable person that makes everyone else happy? What about you? What will make Bella Swan happy? Do what you want for once."
She stopped before there were tears in my eyes. "I love you, bunny. Don't cry. I'll get in trouble. Let's go inside."
The opening of the door brought forth a harsh cacophony of sounds - pots clattering, china clinking, chirping giggles, throaty laughter - mixed with overwhelming, mouth-watering smells.
"Bella! Everyone! Bella is here!"
I hadn't left the vestibule and already I was surrounded by excited hens clucking and prodding and ushering me into the kitchen.
"Bella, sweetheart." Esme's smiling face greeted me from the center island. Her open arms enclosed around me. Lining the countertops behind her were trays upon picturesque trays filled to the brim with mountains of food. Hot and cold pastas, rice, noodles, chicken parm. Plates of finger foods - fruit and veggie dips, shrimp cocktail, tortilla roll ups, broccoli cheese soup in a bread bowl. Bowls of chicken oriental salad, green salad, mandarin orange spinach salad. Four pitchers filled with different colored liquid labeled Sparkling White Grape Juice, Luscious Lime Slush, Sherbet Party Punch, and 7-Up Almond Punch. Jasper done good.
My stomach growled and Baby Black did a twirl of joy.
"You look beautiful," Esme said.
"Thank you," I replied into her shoulder.
Sensing my impending implosion of embarrassment she released me and faced the guests.
"Everyone knows you so let me introduce you to everyone."
Sarah, the receptionist, and Abby, the R.N. - both from Carlisle's office. Maggie and her mom Grace. Mrs. Newton and her daughter Sheila, Mike's older sister. Emmett's sister Meredith. Alice and Rose who needed no introduction. A few ladies from Esme's firm that I didn't know but who seemed ecstatic to meet me and to have been invited. And then, a face that nearly sent me into premature labor.
Much tanner than I remembered and with shorter, curlier hair, but the twinkle in her eye was one of a kind.
"Jessica?" I exclaimed and her reaction confirmed it. "It IS you!"
"Who else would it be, stupid?" She broke into a squeal of laughter and darted across the room. "There's someone else here to see you, too," and out of nowhere, or maybe she had always been standing there but I was too overwhelmed to notice, was the newlywed herself, Mrs. Angela Cheney in a flowy red dress and her signature frames.
"Ang!" I cried. We all squealed together and piled into a girl-hug bouncing in place and talking at the same time. My girls! My girls came for me! They hadn't forgotten. They still cared.
When we finally came up for air the other guests had begun helping themselves to the feast.
Ang and Jess made my plate for me and I pulled Alice into the hall.
"Bell? What's up?" Alice asked with concern on her face and a hunk of Italian combo in her mouth.
"Having a healthy baby will make me happy," I said seriously.
She shook her head and talked with her mouth full. "That's too easy. Every mother wants that. Try again."
"Okayyy. To go back to school. I've decided that I'm going back to school after the baby comes."
"Good, good, keep going."
"To have a job I love."
"What else?"
"My friends and family around me."
"Mmhmm," she prodded with manicured raised eyebrows. "And? You're not getting off that easy."
I crossed my arms in defiance. "I see what you're doing."
"Oh yeah what am I doing?"
"You're trying to get me to say it."
"Then say it."
The crowd of women began filing out of the kitchen and into the living room carrying plates of food and all the air with them. They smiled as they passed and let their hands graze my belly, and that's when I saw him revealed in their wake, standing in the doorway on the opposite side of the room. I'd almost let myself forget that he was somewhere in this cavernous house. Had he been in the wings all along, watching, hiding, waiting? All six feet handsome of him in dark jeans and black shirt. The same tall, the same build, same hair, same face, with his hands in the pockets of his black blazer. Our eyes met and there was a smile for me on those rosy lips. I felt my own lips twitching into a smile and out of my mouth came the words Alice was waiting for.
"It's Edward."
...
He stood a few feet out of my personal space and I struggled against the magnet in my chest pulling me closer to his core.
"I wasn't expecting you," I tried to say with a steady voice.
"I can see that." He chuckled and placed the back of his cool hand against my hot cheek. "You're blushing."
"How did you find out about the shower? They say you never call."
"They leave messages. I know these 'functions' are for women only, but I pulled rank and asked if an exception could be made."
"How did you get away?"
"I reminded the board of directors who I was and whose last name paid for their state of the art facilities and cutting edge research projects. Kidding. I worked two weeks of double shifts and donated one of my kidneys to science. It was worth it."
"Charming," I laughed heartily and he playfully bit the tip of his tongue.
"Was there ever any doubt? Oh and I brought this. I didn't know where to put it..."
Out of the hall closet he produced a large box beautifully wrapped in Winnie the Pooh paper.
"I'll take that," Alice offered, appearing out of nowhere. She lifted the gift out of Edward's hands with ease.
"You didn't have to do that," I nodded towards the immense package being carried away by the tiniest Alice.
"It's not for you. Unless you need an Exersaucer," he shrugged. "They look fun."
"Har har. Seriously, you didn't have to. I know you're busy, and to take off like that and come all this way for my stupid shower, you didn't have to."
"I heard you the first three times, Bella. I wanted to. Can't you just say thank you?"
"Thank you."
"You're welcome."
His eyes traveled down my body, mapping my curves until they rested on my belly. Instead of being embarrassed by my figure I was proud, excited even, for Edward to see how I was progressing. I was doing so well. I weighed what I should, I'd been eating right and resting often, all the things I hadn't been doing in the beginning that Edward would be so pleased to know I was doing now. And when he looked at me it was with the same adoration as the first time he set eyes on me all those months ago. I could forget that I was pregnant, his look didn't change. To Edward, I was Bella. I was just a woman and sometimes I was a girl but all the time I was special. He made me feel special even when he made me mad. Like right at that moment I should have been remembering how angry and upset I was at him for not calling, for not finding time in his busy schedule to use two of his precious minutes to keep in touch with me. But I couldn't be mad. I was too busy being happy.
"So," he said awkwardly, shifting in place and scratching at the back of his neck. "how are you feeling?"
"Oh y'know," I rolled my eyes. "Gigantic."
"Is your leg hurting? Is the baby's head putting pressure on that nerve?"
Huh? How did he know? My leg had been hurting. I was beginning to favor it more and more when I walked. He must have noticed. If so then he was the only one.
"Stop hogging the mommy, Edward." Alice reappeared, taking me by the wrist into the living room. I glanced over my shoulder and gave Edward a desperate 'save me' look. He laughed silently and nodded, following a safe distance behind.
...
"How'd it go?" Edward grinned, handing me a glass of punch.
"On forever," I gasped, polishing it off and handing it back to him. "Everyone was really generous though. I didn't know there were so many things you could buy a baby."
"You haven't opened my gift yet."
"Sure I did. The exersaucer. It's great. The baby will love playing in it. Thank you again."
"I meant my gift for you."
"For me?"
"That's what I said."
"Ummm...ok. Where is it?"
"Outside."
"Outside?"
"Uh huh."
"Why didn't you bring it in?"
"So hard-headed," he sighed with a smile. "Come on." He put out his hand. I hesitated fearing the touch of his silky fingers but then I took it knowing the need to feel him outweighed any fear.
"You received enough baby stuff today to start your own daycare facility," he said, leading me down the porch steps. "but there wasn't one thing in that mountainous pile for you. The mother."
He walked me into the middle of the circular portion of the driveway and let go of my hand. Taking a few steps back he crossed his arms at his chest and leaned against a random sports car belonging to one of the guests. The autumn sunshine sifting through the clouds set off the bronzed glints in his hair and his eyes shone with child-like amusement.
"Where is it?" I asked, unsure if I was expected to understand the meaning behind what we were doing.
"Right there."
"Where?"
"You're standing in front of it."
"I'm standing in front of a car."
"That's right. Not just any car though. That's an M Class, baby." Edward pushed off the Jag and slowly circled the SUV behind me, rattling off it's specs with pride. "Safe. Reliable. Full of kid-friendly amenities. Built-in satellite navigation, six disc CD/DVD changer, rear-seat entertainment system, front and rear climate controls, iPod hook up, premium multicontour seats."
"Edward, this is a Mercedes."
He laughed out loud and pulled the keys from his jacket pocket. "It fucking well better be. That's what I ordered. I'd be marginally annoyed if the dealer dropped off an Acura. Hope you like white."
"You bought me a Mercedes?"
"You seem surprised."
"That's because I am! Edward, I don't understand you. We haven't spoken in weeks and the last time we did it was for thirty seconds. Then out of nowhere you show up at my party and then you buy me a car?" I laughed in disbelief.
"Thirty quality seconds."
"What?"
"We may have only spoken for thirty seconds but they were thirty quality seconds. At least for me. ...Bella, I-"
"Edward thank you but I can't accept this. Your mother got me a toy chest. Maggie got me diapers and a set of onesies. You got me a car. I mean My GOD look at it! It's brand fucking new." And beautiful and luxurious and big enough for a tiny apartment inside. I was stunned.
"No," he corrected. "I got you an Exersaucer. ...OK and a car," he laughed. "Look I know it seems extravagant but that's what we do. Cullen's buy cars for the people they love. And it's practical, it makes sense, and since I can't be around to keep an eye on you all the time, Think of it more as a gift to me than a gift to you. It will help me sleep at night knowing that you and your baby are safe."
"Shit Edward why do you have to go and say things like that? I can't, it's too much-"
"Take the car, Bella. It's paid for. I want you to have it. Please take it."
We were standing toe to toe now. His height towered over me, intimidating, exhilarating. The way his chest rose and fell mere inches from mine. He smelled like freshly smoked cigarettes and the rush of the outdoors. He held the keys in front of my face by the automatic starter. Taking my one hand in his he dropped them into my palm and closed my fingers around them. His hands were warm and soft just like I remembered. I didn't want him to let go but he did.
"There. Now go back inside and play whatever tedious baby games Alice and Rose are going to torture your guests with and I'll pack up the car with your spoils."
"You don't have to do that -"
"Bella," he cut me off sternly and pointed towards the house. "Git. Enjoy your celebration."
"Yessir, geez," I grumbled, waddling up the steps. "See you later."
"You know it."
...
We'd been rocking comfortably for the last hour on the back porch overlooking the manicured gardens and sprawling wooded landscape of the Cullen compound. Conversation was sparse and unhurried mostly us laughing about the randomness of the "shower" concept. Edward had spent the majority of the afternoon pressed in a corner fighting off the advances of Maggie's mom and the aggressive ladies from Esme's office. They were relentless cougars and some of the stuff Edward told me they whispered in his ear was downright perverse. There's an opening in Cougar Town? What the fuck does that even mean?
The conversation hit a lull making our attempts at skirting around the topics neither of us wanted to address all the more obvious. How many times could you say, "So what else have you been up to?" without sounding desperate?
Edward finally broke the silence with a smile. "Why do you keep looking around like you're waiting for something to jump out of the bushes? Is there someone creeping up behind me with a sledgehammer?"
"No, and I'm not doing that," I laughed nervously. He was so fucking cute. Cute as in mouth-watering, jaw-droppingly sexy and why the fuck hadn't he tried to touch me since I arrived? Hm maybe because he doesn't feel like being rejected for the millionth time?
"Did you fly out here alone?" I asked, dreading that the answer to my insecurity lay upstairs in Edward's bed in nothing but a size 0 negligee waiting for everyone to leave so she could have her carnal way with him. Surprise!
"Ah, so that's it," he chuckled, lacing his hands behind his head. "Yes, Bella, Mommy says I'm a big boy now and can fly on the airplanes all by myself."
"That's not what I meant."
"I know what you meant." He sighed in irritation and closed his eyes. "Which is why I'm ignoring the question. ...it's ludicrous, Bella."
The sun was setting. A chill spiked the air around us.
"There you guys are. Bella, sweets, your ride is here."
"I didn't call for a ride."
"It's Mike," Alice mouthed from the doorway.
Fuckshitfuck. What was Mike doing here?
The white pillars, the marble floor, the modern artwork hanging impressively on the walls. Mike stood in the vestibule in obvious awe of his surroundings.
"Hey you," he grinned when he saw me coming down the hall.
"I thought we were meeting at my house," I stated bruskly.
"I went by to pick you up but Charlie said you hadn't come home yet. It's almost six." He looked at his watch.
"Shit. I must have lost track of time."
"No biggie, babe. Ready to roll?"
"Sure let me um...let me just say goodbye...to..." I trailed off and walked away aimlessly.
After a dozen goodbyes and good lucks I was released onto the porch to find Edward leaning against the railing. He was facing the driveway where Mike was executing a string of unsuccessful attempts at parallel parking his compact car into a space between a black BMW and Edward's Audi.
"I'm waiting for him to hit my car," Edward said, watching intently as Mike shifted into reverse again. I stood next to him and placed my hands on the railing beside his.
"Why don't you go out there and show him how it's done, Mr. Perfect," I joked.
"That's not the only thing I can show him how to do perfectly." His mouth turned up in a satisfied smirk and he shot me a look out of the corner of his eye. Low blow, Mr. Cullen, low blow. Nicely done.
"I bet," I muttered under my breath causing Edward's grin to spread even wider.
For the next few moments we watched in amusement until Mike finally gave up and double parked next to Alice's Porsche. He slammed his door in frustration and Edward snorted.
"Tool."
"Oh. Hey Cullen. Didn't know you were in town."
"Why would you?" Edward replied stonily.
Mike shrugged lamely at a loss for response. "Well Bella and I better be going. We have plans tonight."
Edward stiffened. He didn't turn to look at me but I could see the muscles hardening and flexing in his chiseled jaw and if he hadn't just shoved his hands in his pockets they'd be balled into fists at his sides. I tried to catch his eyes - to tell him with mine that this wasn't what it looked like - but Edward was looking through us with forced indifference. I knew at that moment that it was done. We were done. In a matter of seconds and in the cruelest way possible I had made it clear to Edward that there was no hope for us.
"That's nice." His words were laced with fury.
"Get in, Bella," Mike said, motioning to the passenger side of his Hyundai.
"Bella has a car."
"Pfft yeah Cullen, a fifty year old death trap of Charlie's that they don't make parts for anymore. She shouldn't be driving around in that jalopy."
"Wow thank you for explaining that to me, Newton. My Harvard education didn't include common sense classes. Good thing you're around to set me straight. Bella's a lucky girl."
"I'm the lucky one. Let's go, babe"
That's two babes in ten minutes. Babe? Oh dear god, I prayed. Please make Mike shut up. Just shut. up. He had no idea what he was getting himself into. Edward was chomping at the bit just waiting for the perfect testosterone-fueled moment to lay his fists into Mike's round face.
Edward slammed the passenger door shut with a flick of his wrist, nearly taking Mike's fingers off in the hinges, and pointed to the Mercedes. "Like I said, Bella has a car."
"What is this guy talking about?"
"This GUY?" Edward lunged for Mike's throat and I jumped between them with my arms outstretched.
"Stoppit both of you!" I pressed my hand to Edward's chest and pushed him back. "Edward, don't. Mike, just shut up! Yes, it's true I have a car now. It was a gift for me and the baby." I nodded at the Mercedes and Mike's mouth fell open.
"From him?" Mike shrieked. "And you accepted it? Bella how could you? How do you think that makes me feel? You don't need anything from him!"
"I know that."
"Hey asshole, don't talk to her like that," Edward growled and then smiled wide, daring him to do it again.
This was gonna get ugly fast if I didn't get Mike out of here.
"Bella you know if I had his money I would give you anything," Mike pleaded, pulling me to his car.
"That's not why I accepted the gift," I spat. Wrenching my hand out of his clammy grasp I moved instinctively closer to Edward. "It's not about money and I can take care of myself."
"And she doesn't need to explain a goddamnfuckingthing to you." Edward pushed up his sleeves.
"Bella please. We had plans. I made reservations at that restaurant you wanted try. We're already late." He looked as though he were going to cry any second. I sighed deeply and pushed the strap of my purse up my shoulder.
The keys weighed heavy in my pocket. The seconds ticked by. One after another after another and I couldn't look at Edward as I spoke.
"Fine, Mike. I'll take my car and meet you at the house."
I feel like this chapter and the next are so perfectly set to the song, Burn by Ray LaMontagne that I just had to include the lyrics. Even though this chapter is BPOV, they say exactly what Edward is thinking. EPOV coming up next. It's been awhile since he's had a chance to speak. xoxo.