Strength and Healing

Chapter 25

AN: Here is chapter 25! So sorry for the long delay—I graduated from high school last week and have been dealing with some overwhelming stuff. I'm hoping to be more regular with my updates (have to juggle work, community service, and practicing to overcome my phobia of driving—we'll see how well I can keep my promise). In case anyone is wondering, I have decided to major in social work. Advocacy is my passion. My goal in life is to give a voice to the voiceless. All that said, this chapter is coming out of some serious soul searching (for me and for JJ!) It's an intense one—I'm going to add an additional trigger warning here.

Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.

I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.

–Gabby

"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."

-Unknown

"So what did you tell him?"

Emily and JJ were currently sitting on their bed, talking about JJ's earlier conversation with Hotch. JJ had been required to make many important decisions for herself, but honestly, she had never felt more conflicted.

"I told him I didn't know. I mean, last night was awful. I felt so helpless." JJ knew Emily would want her to ignore her downward gaze so she simply continued. "What if it happened again and the life of a victim depended on my actions? What if it happened again and I got Morgan hurt? Or Rossi or Hotch or Spence? Or you—I couldn't live with myself. What if I got myself abducted again? I play that morning over and over in my head, now that I remember it entirely." Emily tried to interrupt her. "Don't tell me it wasn't my fault. Technically, it wasn't, but I got into Shaffer's car. I did that. I could do it again if I ever got that desperate. I wouldn't survive another unsub like him. I wouldn't want to."

The brunette wasn't going to argue with that. JJ was perfectly entitled to feel wary about her state of mind. "Do you want to take some more time off to think about it?" Emily asked cautiously, brushing a piece of her wife's hair behind her left ear.

JJ shook her head. "If I take time off, I'm basically solidifying my position in B Team. And if I'm staying in BAU, I want to stay with you and the rest of our team. I have to make a decision today. Hotch needs to know tomorrow morning—he wants to meet with both of us before he talks to the director."

Emily hated what her wife was going through. She gave her wife a small smile and sat up, following JJ's lead. "What can I do to help?"

"I need you to help me decide—will you help me go through some pros and cons?" Emily nodded and reached for a piece of paper to write on. JJ stopped her. "No, no paper. Let's just talk. You're good at getting into my head."

The brunette nodded and reached out to clasp JJ's hand tightly in her own, reminding her that they were in this together. "You've already pointed out some cons. Let's talk about pros. Why did you decide to join the FBI in the first place?"

"You did what?!"

Annie Jareau was not currently pleased with her daughter.

"I applied to the FBI and I was accepted into the academy," JJ repeated matter-of-factly. Her decision was final. She knew what she wanted to do now. Ever since the day she heard David Rossi speak, she just knew. She had to understand why people like Erin did what they did. She had to stop it.

"Why would you do something like that, Jenny? You hate guns!" Though this was the truth, at this point, Annie was just trying to throw anything at her daughter that would make her reconsider her decision. She had already lost one daughter, she wasn't going to lose another.

"Mom," the young woman began to explain, "there are some pretty evil people in the world, and—"

"And you're just going to expose yourself to them?!" Annie didn't mean to raise her voice-she never yelled at her daughter; the fragile woman did not react well to shouting—but she was truly frustrated…and terrified.

"I've already been exposed to them!" JJ forced herself to calm down, to have a logical conversation with her mom about this, to explain it as gently as possible. "You know how Erin treated me—that was abuse. That was, it was r-" JJ choked on her own words. She had never spoken those words aloud before. She had never recognized to anyone that she knew there was something seriously wrong with the way the redhead had spoken to her and the way she had hit her and the way she had….No. JJ shook off the word. This conversation had nothing to do with Erin. The thought almost made the blonde laugh. This conversation had everything to do with Erin. "I just don't want what happened to me to happen to other people, okay? I have to do something. I have to do this. Mom, I'm not asking for your permission. I'd love your blessing and support, but this is what I'm going to do."

"So, your journalism degree is just going to go to waste?" Of course Annie knew that this opportunity cost was little in comparison to what JJ would be losing if she didn't follow her heart. Her opposition was weakening. She knew how stubborn JJ was when she was set on something. Her daughter was going to join the FBI and there was nothing she could do about it.

"I'm sure it'll help me with something," JJ replied softly. "I'll be in Quantico for at least the next few years for training, so you can come visit me," she bargained.

Annie smiled sadly and wrapped her daughter tightly in her arms. "Please be careful, Jenny. I love you so much. I can't lose you too."

"You won't, mom."

Annie pulled back and grabbed her daughter by the shoulders. "You've been through too much for someone so young. Promise me if you start dating someone, you'll let me meet her. I don't want you to go through Erin again."

JJ gritted her teeth. According to her mom, Erin was the only person she'd ever "dated". She didn't know the blonde had broken up with Elizabeth just days before applying to the FBI Academy. The blonde hated lying. "I promise, mom." This time she meant it.

The future profiler had exceedingly bad taste in women, and though she vowed to herself with her separation from Lizzy that she knew the signs of an abusive partner and she would stay away from women like that, she didn't totally trust herself yet. So she would let her mom be the judge. But for now, she trusted she'd be the safest within the walls of FBI headquarters in Quantico, Virginia. After all, what could happen to her when she was surrounded by the country's most experienced agents?

"Your mom knew about Erin?"

JJ blushed. "A little. She didn't know anything about Brittany or Elizabeth until we got married. I was too embarrassed to tell her."

"I was the first person you told about them?" Emily questioned, raising an eyebrow.

JJ nodded. "What was I going to tell my mom? 'By the way, I haven't been raped one hundred times. It's probably closer to five hundred. Sorry I forgot to tell you!'"

Emily, not used to her wife using this type of blunt language, was slightly flabbergasted. She knew the length of time JJ was with each of her assaulters. The painful calculations flew through her head and her awful mental math skills instantly improved exponentially. Nine months. Five months. Four months. Eight hours. Eighteen months times about thirty days per month equals five hundred forty.

Five hundred and forty days.

How many of those days did JJ escape assault? Emily suspected not many.

Five hundred and forty.

Five hundred and forty.

After almost a minute of awkward silence, JJ's gaze hit their joined hands resting in her lap. "Sorry," she muttered.

The brunette shook her head, using her free hand to lift JJ's chin gingerly, forcing their eyes to meet. "Hey," she said gently, shakily attempting to hide her newfound anger at people she already hated. No, Emily reminded herself. If I'm hating them, I'm not loving her. No room for hate. Use your energy to love your wife. They don't deserve your hatred. "I'm not angry. I'm not judging you. I'm just trying to understand your thought process, sweetheart. Take a deep breath. Never apologize for the truth, even if it hurts."

When JJ nodded in response, Emily continued. "So, you wanted to join the FBI to stop what happened to you from happening to others. I'd say you've succeeded."

"It feels more like we're intervening after the fact. Like we're saying, 'oh, your rapist is dead now—everything's better.'" JJ laughed bitterly. "That's not the way it works at all. I still see Erin when I close my eyes." The blonde's eyes fluttered closed and a tear escaped, stalling before the fall of her cheek. "I feel useless," she conceded ultimately.

Emily didn't try to convince her wife otherwise. Words would do nothing here. JJ had to do something that made her feel useful. Something that gave her purpose. And right now, being a profiler wasn't doing that for her. The brunette released her wife's hand in order to scoot forward and hold JJ to her tenderly. JJ didn't continue crying, but she didn't say anything either. Emily hated telling her wife how she was feeling. Yes, at times it felt like the brunette knew the blonde better than she knew herself, but JJ needed to be able to read herself. Today, she dug deep into her soul and found the reason for her inner conflict. Emily decided to assist her with the solution. "Jen," she whispered lovingly into her ear, "you need to figure out what you want to do now. You decided to join to FBI to protect people from what had happened to you. Now, you need to find out what will allow you to do that. The truth is," Emily spoke to her wife who clung desperately to her, running the fingers of her right hand slowly through her blonde ringlets, "we can't catch every perp. If you can't handle that, you might need to find a new way to accomplish your goal."

"I don't want to leave the BAU," JJ admitted despondently.

Emily nodded into the top of her wife's head. "I don't want you to either. But you have to do what your heart is telling you."

JJ sniffed and backed away from her wife's clutch slightly, remaining close enough that Emily's arms remained securely around her. "My heart is telling me that it's not time to make a decision. I'm not ready to commit either way."

"That's okay too," Emily assured her before pressing her lips to JJ's forehead. "We have all night and tomorrow morning. When your heart makes a decision about how you want to go about helping people like you, you'll know. And if that means leaving the BAU, even temporarily, everyone will understand, and Hotch will make the director understand."

JJ nodded, leaning her forehead against Emily's. "How did I find someone like you?"

Emily chuckled. "You decided to help people and you followed your heart."

The next morning, JJ still hadn't made a decision. She hoped the inspiration would come to her in Quantico. It did.

When the couple entered the BAU building, Hotch met them in security. "Hotch," Emily laughed slightly. "we're perfectly capable of walking to your office, but thanks."

Hotch shook his head. "Change of plans. You'll never guess who just arrived."

JJ and Emily eyed each other, confused, as their unit chief lead them into the round table room. The women were blindsided by who they saw. JJ looked up at Hotch. "What are they doing here?"

AN: Guessing game time! Who is it?

What did you think of the rest of the chapter?