A note about the timing: Italy declared war on Germany on October 13, 1943. Edward and Bella left a week after that for Hawaii, and at this point they've been there for just under a week. So accounting for travel time, let's say we're right about at October 31st at the beginning of this chapter.
Thank you again for all of your reviews. I'm sorry I didn't get to respond to all of them, but please know that I read and appreciate every single one. I should have more time for responses this go 'round, as I have a huge portion of the next chapter already written.
See you on the flip side.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
"I was moved after that day," Edward said. "I was in a small room by myself that was cold and dark and completely bare." His head was in my lap and we were on the couch in the living room, just back from a walk on the beach. He had been telling me the rest of the story slowly, stopping when he'd had enough for any given day.
It had only been five days since the blow up at his parents' house and we hadn't been back since. It seemed wise to keep Edward away from situations we couldn't control; he obviously didn't have a handle on his emotions, and the fewer triggers for his outbursts the better. He snapped at me occasionally, but mostly when things got uncomfortable, he would walk away or go for a run instead of dealing with how he felt. I couldn't have the radio on in the house because I never knew which news report was going to cause an agitated or emotional reaction, and the smallest things seemed to frustrate him. The day he dropped a carton of eggs at the market he had become so upset and angry that I got him out of there as quickly as possible and we hadn't been out in public since.
So we spent our days walking on the beach, sharing memories and becoming reacquainted. He was physically affectionate in many ways; he held my hand and we slept close together at night, but his touches always seemed tentative and shy. Edward was still too thin, he had dark circles under his eyes and he was still walking around in thick sweaters, even though the temperatures in Hawaii rarely dipped below seventy five degrees during the day, but his face took on a bronze hue from the hours we spent in the sun and he looked healthier than I'd seen him in a long time.
But as he lay with his head in my lap, his face took on a haunted quality that all the sunshine in the world couldn't erase. He was reliving his experiences as he told me about them and it made me ache to hear what had been done to him. But when I told him he didn't need to tell me if it was too painful, he explained that he needed to tell me, not just for me, but for him and for us.
He'd already told me that he was initially interrogated at Tanya's house by her father, but he had denied everything, claiming that the watch and the wedding ring must have been there when he moved in. Edward thought he was getting away with the lie until Tanya's father told him that he would contact the Spanish government to make sure Edward was who he said he was, and that they would keep him locked up until they received the official word. So he knew it was only a matter of time before he was found out. But he denied for as long as he could, just as he had been trained to do. He was kept in a relatively decent place that had a bed and where he was fed twice a day and given plenty of water. He thought it was around a week later that Tanya's father came to him, incensed after hearing from the Spanish government. Not only did he now suspect that Edward was a spy, but his daughter had been used in the most callous of ways, and his pride had been wounded.
"It was also the day I received my first beating," Edward continued, breaking me out of my memories. "I gave them my name, rank and serial number, hoping they would abide by the rules of the Geneva Conventions, but that was a foolish hope. Not only had I been spying, but I had done it in a very personal way.
"They saw the name Swan on the watch and wanted to know who he was. They wanted to know why I had a wedding band and if I was married. They wanted to know where I was from and what I wanted with Tanya and her father. Of course I couldn't, and didn't, answer these questions.
"I had no concept of time. I...it was hard...the pain was... ." He visibly shivered and I clutched his hand tightly, resting my other on his forehead. "I can't even describe it to you. They used cigarettes and knives and my hand... I try so hard not think about it."
"It's okay, you don't have to say anymore."
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes briefly before opening them and averting his gaze. "I don't...I don't know how to explain it to you. They would ask me a question, I wouldn't answer, and they would beat me, or burn me, or cut me. They told me that they would find my family...find you and...do things to you...and then kill you if I didn't tell them what they wanted to know. I didn't believe that they would come all the way to America to seek revenge, but then they would leave and I would be alone and tortured by my thoughts. What if they did find you? What if they did those things to you? Would you ever know what happened to me? Would you be lonely? Would you find happiness with someone else? Would you move on and be able to have a good life?
"I know they did it on purpose. I know they told me those things because the physical torture wasn't working, so they tried the psychological. It was much more effective," he said, shuddering and looking up at me.
He took a deep breath and continued. "Tanya's father visited me often and I found out that he was overseeing my interrogation personally. Though I denied your existence, he said...he said he would make it his business to track you down and make you suffer just like his daughter was suffering. You see, that's what gave me away. It wasn't that Tanya ever suspected me of spying and then turned me over to her father. She suspected that I was in love with someone else, and she was right.
"Tanya's mother found her crying the night of the party and asked her what was wrong. She told her mother her suspicions that I was being unfaithful, and when she told her why, my lack of interest in a physical relationship, the way I spoke about you, she went to her husband, who had my apartment searched. I'm sure now that they were simply looking for signs of unfaithfulness, but when they found your grandfather's watch and my wedding ring hidden in the floor...well, that was the end of the charade."
Edward was quiet for a long time as I ran my hands gently through his hair. "Are you hungry?" I eventually asked, knowing that was it for the day and remembering that he hadn't had breakfast or lunch.
He shook his head and wrapped his arm around my legs. "I'm tired," he said softly. I was learning that these conversations exhausted him and he usually needed a nap afterward. I would try to lay down with him when I could, as he seemed to sleep better when I did, so when he got up to go upstairs, I went with him.
We laid down facing each other and as he drifted off to sleep, I decided to try to stay awake. I suspected he was having nightmares that he wasn't telling me about; he still had deep shadows under his eyes and he was sometimes already downstairs and dressed when I woke up early in the morning. I had woken up to him shivering and talking in his sleep quite a few times, but never to a nightmare and I somehow doubted they had gone away completely.
I wanted him to let me help him through this, but his stubborn desire to protect me kept him from letting me. I was glad he was talking to me, but his recounting of his time away wasn't all I wanted to know. I wanted to know his fears and he was feeling, what was making him unhappy and what woke him at night. I was trying to be patient, however; I was sure pushing him was the wrong move.
I waited and waited, but Edward slept very soundly for a few hours before he woke up and we went downstairs to have dinner.
"Dino Grandi wasn't an evil man," Edward explained as we resumed the same position on the couch a couple of days later. "I saw, over time, that he was softening a bit toward me. I wasn't sure if it was because of what they were doing to me or if it was the time we spent together that made him genuinely care about me. But eventually I saw an opening. I reminded him of the conversations we used to have about removing German influence from Italy. I tried to convince him that we were on the same side and that the work I had been doing was in Italy's best interest.
"I wasn't sure if he was listening at first, but it didn't matter, I still tried to get through to him every time he visited. Some time later he came to see me and didn't shout or ask me about the information I had passed on or tell his men to beat me. Instead he brought a chair in and sat and talked with me. He talked about his love for his country and its culture and its people. He talked about how Mussolini was nothing more than a puppet for Hitler and an embarrassment to a great nation. I didn't say anything and when he was finished, he walked out of the room.
"I don't know how long I was there before Tanya came to see me the first time, but it was sometime after that. She was angry, and rightfully so. She was in love with me and I convinced her I felt the same. She thought we were going to get married and spend our lives together and I had been using her for information the whole time. I couldn't blame her for hating me.
"She came in and shouted at me, telling me I was a horrible person and that she hated me. That I was cruel and unfair and that I would pay for what I had done to her. I told her she was right. That using her had been wrong and there was no excuse for what I did. That just seemed to make her angrier and she stormed out. I didn't see her again for what felt like a long time.
"When she came back, she seemed less angry and demanded to know about you. By that point, I was losing hope that I would ever see you again, and it was almost a relief to talk to someone about you. I was pretty sure that they would never get to you, but I was still careful about what I told her."
He looked up at me, his expression so forlorn and full of fear that I thought we were finished for the day, but he surprised me by continuing. "I was sure I was going to die in that room, so I thought maybe I could help her find some peace with what happened between us, so maybe she could move on and find someone else after I was gone.
"I told her about you, the real you, not the sister who grew up with me in Spain. See, she thought it was her. For such a pretty, experienced and outwardly confident girl, she wasn't very sure of herself, and what happened with us was a blow to her self-confidence. She wanted to know why I couldn't love her. Even after all the time we spent together, after all the...kissing and dates and talking. She didn't understand.
"I didn't give her many details, but I got the important points across. I loved you and only you and there was no room for anyone else. That you were it for me and no amount of time would ever change that.
"Tanya told me how much I had hurt her and how she honestly and truly thought she had found the person she was meant to spend her life with. She told me that made her feel foolish because it had all been a lie and she didn't know me at all.
"I told her that I was honest with her in a lot of ways, more honest than I probably should have been, and that she did know the real me. That there was only so much of a role I could play before the real me came out, sometimes against my will or better judgment. I told her that even though I had lied to her and used her, I cared about her, though not in the way she wanted me to."
He paused for a moment and closed his eyes as I ran my hands through his soft hair. I was once again sure that he was ready to stop for the day but when he opened his eyes, there was a determination there that surprised me.
"Tanya started coming by on a regular basis. I'm sure she knew what they were doing to me; there was no way she couldn't. She would bring me water and sometimes food. She never stayed long but her visits were welcome. We would talk about mundane things like books or music but it took my mind off the physical pain and my despair about you.
"It was cold where I was, and she brought me a blanket once. I'm not sure how she was able to sneak it in, but it was such a relief to have it. The cold was the worst part. You can't imagine what it's like to never be warm. I could take the cold, wet floor better when I had the simple comfort of a blanket, and I was actually able to sleep a little bit.
"But the guards found it not long after; I almost lost all hope when they took it from me," he said, wiping a tear from under his eye. "It was so cold and I so desperately wanted to be warm again. It was almost worse than before."
No wonder he shivered in the heat and bundled himself in sweaters. I felt an almost overwhelming sadness and a tear slipped down my cheek at how miserable he had been and how something so simple and basic like warmth had been denied to him.
"Neither Tanya nor her father came for what felt like a long time, and I have no idea how long I was there before they came for me, but by then I was deteriorating physically. They didn't feed me and only gave me water occasionally, and the beatings left me weak. I wasn't completely coherent, but I heard Tanya and her father arguing; they were leaving and she wouldn't go without me. He was protesting but she insisted that if I stayed behind, she would too.
"I told her I was incapable of loving her, for months I had used her to get information about her father, I lied to her about almost everything, but she cared enough about me to save my life and to help me get home to you," he said softly, his eyes glistening with tears as he looked up at me.
"So they came and got me. I couldn't walk so I had to be carried by one of their men. I was thrown into a car and I passed out pretty quickly after that.
"I woke up when I was thrown out of the car. I was in Vichy France, though I didn't know it at the time. I lay there on the ground and Tanya came over to me, though her father was yelling at her to get in the car. She pressed my wedding band into my palm, kissed me on the cheek, and left in the car. I didn't even have the strength to thank her," he choked out.
He laid there for a few more minutes, breathing heavily, an occasional tear slipping down his cheek. He was looking up at me and as I wiped his tears, the green of his eyes seemed to soften just a bit until his breathing slowed and he was able to continue.
"I wandered for a few days, not sure who to trust and resting often since I could barely walk. I was lucky; I was found by Allied sympathizers. I didn't tell them anything at first, afraid they would turn me over to the German authorities. But I knew if I didn't trust them, I was likely to die anyway, so I took a chance. They eventually got me out to England. I think you know the rest."
I nodded and stroked his hair lightly. We didn't make it up to the bedroom, he fell asleep almost immediately after he stopped talking and I stretched out next to him, cramped on the small couch, but not wanting to stray too far from him, especially after everything he just had to relive.
I woke up some time later to Edward carrying me to the bedroom. I put my arms around his neck and my head on his shoulder as he held me tightly and kissed my forehead. I slept soundly for the rest of the night; if nightmares woke Edward, I never knew about it.
x-x-x
"I'm going to see my dad for a bit," Edward said very early on a Sunday morning about a week later. It was barely light out and I was still in bed, while Edward was standing next to the bed freshly showered and fully clothed.
"Okay," I said through a yawn. "Why so early, couldn't you sleep?" I asked, worried that I had slept through one of his nightmares.
"No, nothing like that," he said, correctly reading my concern. "I just woke up early. I think Alice mentioned something about coming over later, just so you know."
"Oh, okay. Maybe I'll just get up then."
"I'll see you later," he said, walking quickly toward the bedroom door.
"Bye... ," I called after him, not a little bit confused as to why he was running out the door at the crack of dawn.
I laid back down with every intention of getting up and starting my day, but it was much later when I was awakened to the sound of pounding on my front door.
"Wake up, sleepyhead," Alice said when I opened the front door. "It's already eight o'clock and we have things to do today."
"Like what?" I asked groggily, making my way to the kitchen to start a pot of coffee.
"We're getting our hair done and shopping for a new dress," she said.
"Why do you need a new dress?"
"Not for me, for you," she said, a mischievous grin on her face.
"Okay, why do I need a new dress?" I asked. It was still too early for this.
"Well, I was noticing your clothes and most of them are for colder weather and I thought you might be a little uncomfortable."
I eyed her speculatively before deciding that she was actually onto something. I had packed in haste, not really considering the weather difference and if we were going to be here for a while, a wardrobe upgrade might be in order.
"You're right," I said. "Besides, when was the last time you and I spent a day together? Let me just call over to your parents' place and tell Edward."
"That's not necessary," she said quickly. "I told him before I left that I was commandeering you for part of the day. He's fine with it."
"Okay, after a shower and a cup of coffee, I'm all yours."
Alice clapped her hands happily and I smiled, looking forward to our day together. We were on our way thirty minutes later.
"So things between you and Edward seem better," Alice said as we drove into town. "Better than when I was visiting anyway." We hadn't really had any time alone since Edward and I came back and this was her first opportunity to ask me about it.
"They are better," I said. I didn't want to get into it too much, it was personal, but she had seen Edward at his worst in the hospital and I didn't want her to think that was the norm anymore. "Things were tough for a while, but being here has helped, and we're talking more."
"All I dream about is Jasper standing on the altar waiting for me as Dad walks me down the aisle, of being able to go to bed with him every night, and being pregnant with his children. I want those things so much," she said softly. "But you and Edward having problems makes me nervous. You seemed so sure about your relationship."
"I am sure about our relationship. But I think there's a reason they say 'for better or for worse' when you get married. It hasn't always been easy, but the effort is worth it."
Alice nodded her head. "Edward's different, I see that. I worry that Jasper won't come home, but I also worry about what he might be like when he does."
"You've seen him a few times since the war started. Is he the same?"
"No, he's not. He's actually gotten sweeter and more attentive to me. But otherwise he seems...angrier? More on edge, maybe? I'm not sure how to describe it."
"I don't think any of us are the same. I'm not, you're not, Edward certainly isn't." I paused to collect my thoughts. "I doubt any of us are going to come through this unchanged, but I somehow think it's worse for them. They're far from home, doing and experiencing unthinkable things. I think there's something to be said for the simple comforts of home," I said softly. I had to bite my lip so I wouldn't cry, recalling Edward's lack of nutrition and water and simple warmth while he was held in Italy.
Alice was silent for a while and when she spoke again, her voice was soft and tentative. "I know you still love Edward. I do. But is it the same? I mean, do you think maybe you've both changed too much and maybe love isn't enough? Especially if he's not the person you married anymore."
I took a deep breath and considered her question. I thought at one point back in Maryland that I would have to leave Edward to save myself, but it wasn't due to lack of love; it had been a matter of self-preservation. It wasn't as if I was leaving because I wanted someone else or because I loved him any less. I just wanted him to talk to me and let me help him and I felt like my life was spinning out of control. I thought he might need space and time away from me since I obviously wasn't giving him what he needed and he didn't seem to want to be around me. Had he let me go, I would have waited forever for him to get well and helped him any way he would let me. Fortunately it had never come to that because in the end, love was enough.
"It was enough for us," I stated simply. "I can't speak for you and Jasper, but I'd like to think of him what I think of Edward; that essentially he's the same person. That his heart and mind are the same, but have been skewed a bit by the war and what he's been through." I shrugged my shoulders and looked over at her. "But I'm far from an expert and I can only really speak to my relationship with Edward."
Alice nodded. "I know. Honestly, the changes in Edward are scary, and I'm afraid that if Jasper does come home different, I won't be able to handle it. I'm not as strong as you are, I never have been. I'm not sure how you're handling his moods."
I shrugged again. "I love him."
"And it's enough," she said.
"And it's enough," I reaffirmed.
She nodded and was silent for the rest of our car ride into town.
Shockingly, we were back at my house just before one o'clock after having our hair done and finding two very pretty, very weather appropriate dresses for me.
"Try to the yellow one on," Alice said after we walked in the door.
"I tried them on at the store," I said grumpily.
"Please," she said, glancing at the clock on the wall. "Besides, wouldn't you be more comfortable in it than what you're wearing?"
I looked down at my blouse and pants and realized she had a point. "Okay, I'll be right down," I said, grabbing the bag and going up to my bedroom to change.
When I came back downstairs, Alice was nowhere to be found and someone was knocking on my front door.
I opened the door and there stood Edward, a smile on his face and a single red rose in his hand.
"Edward? What's going on? Why are you knocking on the door? Where's Alice?"
"Alice went home. I'm here to pick you up for our date," he said, his face full of hope.
"I don't... ." I said, my brow furrowing. "I don't understand."
He chuckled and rolled his eyes. "Will you work with me here? I'm taking you on a date. The date I've wanted to take you on since we were sixteen."
"Oh, Edward, this isn't necessary."
"Please, Bella," he whispered, his eyes showing so much anxiety for such a simple gesture. This meant something to him. More than something, from the look on his face. Maybe everything.
"Okay," I said, smiling. "Where are we going?"
"That's a surprise," he said, smiling and taking in my appearance. He was quiet for a moment and I thought maybe he didn't like the dress or it was ill-fitting. I started to shift uncomfortably when he finally spoke. "You so look pretty," he whispered, his eyes soft, a hint of awe in his voice.
I blushed, took the arm he offered me, and smiled back at him, suddenly finding myself getting excited at the prospect of a date with Edward, and vowing to thank Alice for her part in this.
We got in the car and drove for about 20 minutes, stopping somewhere I'd never been before. "What is this place?" I asked. I thought I knew all of the places Edward did, but apparently he still had a few secrets.
"You'll see," he said, smiling so broadly it made my throat tight and my knees a little weak, reminding me so much of the boy I fell in love with.
He gently took my hand in his and led me down a long dirt path until we came to a large meadow filled with wildflowers, the sun shining through the canopy of trees.
"Edward," I said almost breathlessly. "How did you find this place?"
"I don't remember exactly." He held me close to his side and kissed the top of my head. "But I used to come here a lot...before. When we lived here. I would sometimes come here when you were at the house with Alice. I thought I was getting away from you, but I would just come here and daydream about you like the love-struck teenager I was. I imagined you here with me so many times," he said softly, his hand running gently up and down my upper arm.
"It's beautiful," I said, looking up at him and smiling. "Thank you for sharing it with me."
He ran the back of his hand across my cheek and smiled back at me. "You're beautiful. You belong in a place like this."
I blushed and looked down, biting my lip before I could blurt out that I wasn't. I'd never felt particularly beautiful, except when Edward looked at me like that.
He grabbed my hand and led me over to a shaded area under a tree where he had set up a picnic lunch, complete with a blanket, a basket full of food and a bottle of wine. He helped me get settled on the blanket, then opened the bottle of wine, poured us each a glass, and settled next to me. I was slightly concerned about the wine; Edward hadn't had a drink that I knew about in the weeks since we had been here and I didn't want him to start again. I kept my concerns to myself, however, since a glass of wine with lunch wasn't a bottle of scotch and I didn't want to overreact and ruin the nice day he had obviously been working on since early in the morning.
"Thank you for indulging me," he said softly, looking down at the wine glass he was twirling in his fingers. "I know it's not the same as a real first date, but I wanted something just for us."
Just for us. Meaning something he hadn't done with someone else. I sighed and put my wine glass aside before taking his from his hand and putting it next to mine. I got up on my knees and faced him, my hands on either side of his face. "It's a beautiful thought, thank you," I said softly, running my thumbs under his still shadowed eyes. He might have been sleeping better, but even though he tried to hide it from me, the evidence of his nightmares was plain on his face.
"Can we...I mean, I'd like to do things like this for you while we're here. Take you places and do all the things we never got a chance to do," he said, his eagerness and sweet smile causing butterflies to flutter in my stomach.
"I'd like that," I said, though for me, it wasn't necessary. I loved him and I knew he loved me and the rituals associated with it weren't important to me. But they were to him.
I looked down at him, his face so soft, and I had an almost overwhelming urge to kiss him. I held back, waiting him out, and when I saw his eyes fall to my lips, I knew he was feeling he same thing. So I kept waiting.
And waiting.
"Let me feed you," he said suddenly. "Mom helped me put together a lunch I thought you'd like."
"All right," I said softly, dropping my hands and leaning back with my legs folded under me. I tried to hide my disappointment, but Edward's face fell and he swallowed loudly when he looked at me. I smiled back tentatively so he would know I wasn't angry, but he just looked away and pulled at his hair and I could have kicked myself for upsetting him.
But instead of wallowing in my failure, I helped him unpack the picnic and spread our lunch out before us. When I saw what he had packed, my eyes watered and a huge smile spread across my face. I wasn't sure how he'd done it, especially with strict rationing in place, or how he remembered, but all of my favorites were there, including a thermos of tomato soup, fresh fruit, cold chicken sandwiches and of course, pastries.
Edward's eyes got bright again when he saw me staring at all of the work and thought he put into our date, and the hopeful, sweet look on his face made me forgetful for just a moment, and I threw my arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. I inhaled deeply and my stomach muscles clenched as I enjoyed the scent that was my husband and lifelong friend. He had always smelled so good, like cinnamon and leather and that indefinable quality that was uniquely Edward.
It took him a minute, but Edward soon had his arms around me, holding me close.
"It's just lunch," he mumbled into my neck. But I could hear the joy in his voice and the muscles in my stomach tightened even more.
I had made him happy.
He pulled away and very sweetly prepared my lunch for me. I could see how it pleased him to take care of me, and as I sat there, it finally occurred to me why something as simple as taking me on a picnic lunch was so important to him. Edward felt like he had never provided for me. Not before or after he left, and certainly not since he'd been home. I disagreed, but how I felt about it wasn't important. He needed to feel like he was doing something for me, providing for me the way he thought a husband should for his wife. And I wasn't about to argue with him.
He fed me my lunch, literally at some points, though when he put the first grape in my mouth the way he looked at me made my body tingle in places it hadn't in a long, long time. I ignored it, knowing we weren't quite ready for that yet. Though I really, really wished we were.
After we ate, I laid my head in Edward's lap while he read poetry to me; poetry about longing and love and forever. It took me a while to realize that he wasn't reading from a book, but from a journal; a journal I had seen him with on many occasions before the war.
"When did you write this?" I asked softly, looking up at him.
He blushed and put the book aside, running his hand through my hair. "A long time ago," he said quietly, shaking his head and not meeting my gaze. "I wrote most of it here."
"It's beautiful," I said, taking his hand and kissing his palm softly. I heard his sharp intake of breath but I ignored it because something very important had just occurred to me. Something I should have realized a long time ago.
"Where is it?" I whispered, still holding Edward's left hand and looking up at him.
"What?" he asked, his brow furrowed.
"Your wedding ring," I said softly, sitting up and releasing his hand.
"Oh!" he said, reaching into his shirt and removing a very thin gold link chain. The same gold chain that held his childhood ring while he was away at Annapolis before we were married. "I couldn't wear it for a while because of my hand and then when I could...well, I didn't feel like a particularly good husband and I thought maybe...I don't know... ." He trailed off, looking down and blushing.
"You thought maybe I wouldn't want to be married to you anymore?" I asked softly.
He nodded his head as I slowly took the chain from around his neck, undid the clap and took the ring off. I gently took his left hand and brought it to rest in my lap. "How does your hand feel?" I asked, looking up at him.
"Back to normal," he said, flexing his fingers and swallowing loudly while looking at me with wide eyes.
I took his hand in mine and slipped the ring onto his finger before threading my fingers through his. "I love you. I can't say it enough, Edward," I said fervently, looking up into his wet, shining eyes. "You are a good husband; you're all I've ever wanted. Please wear this."
Edward grabbed me and placed me in his lap, hugging me tightly and whispering words of love in my ear. When I looked up at him, he placed a hand on the side of my face and very slowly and very tentatively brought his lips to mine.
His lips were warm and soft, his hand on my face trembling slightly. It may as well have been our first kiss with how uncertain and shy we both were, but it was also familiar. It felt like home.
He briefly rested his forehead against mine before pulling back and I had a quick moment of doubt, wondering if he didn't like our kiss, if he was comparing me to Tanya and had found me lacking.
But before my fears could take hold, Edward smiled down at me and sweetly kissed the tip of my nose. "I missed kissing you," he whispered. I blushed and smiled shyly at him, silently thanking him for alleviating my fears.
Our kiss was brief and almost chaste, and I wanted it to go further, but it was a first step and more than enough for the time being.
I rested my head on his shoulder as he ran his hand up and down my back.
"Thank you," I said, looking up at him. "I couldn't have asked for a better first date."
His answering smile warmed my heart and made my whole body flush.
We kissed once more after we got into bed that night; it was brief and sweet but it made my toes curl and for the first time in weeks, I went right to sleep instead of staying awake obsessing over Edward and his mental health.
When I woke next it was still dark and Edward was beside me moaning my name, begging me not to leave him. Quickly realizing that he was still asleep, I put my hand on his sweaty forehead, moving myself close to his side.
"Edward...Edward, I'm right here. Please wake up," I pleaded. "Edward."
"Please, Bella," he cried, "Don't go."
He was shaking and crying and my gentle touches weren't waking him up, so I took him roughly by the shoulders and straddled his lap, speaking to him with my face inches from his. "Wake up, Edward. I'm here," I said firmly. "It's Bella, Edward. Wake up," I said desperately. I was scared out of my wits and was getting more upset as the minutes ticked away. This was as bad as I'd ever seen him, and I suspected that this was what he dealt with night after night when I heard him screaming back home. Except then he was alone. I was here now and I wouldn't let him suffer through this alone.
Making one last ditch effort to wake him, I called his name loudly and pleaded with him to wake up.
Finally his eyes flew open, but he seemed to look right through me. "Bella," he said, his voice so full of despair and longing that it made my chest tighten.
I grabbed the sides of his face and forced his eyes to look in mine. "I'm here," I said. "Look at me, Edward."
His eyes sought mine and eventually lost their frantic edge, becoming softer, but the sadness was still pronounced. He grabbed me tightly and held me to his chest, desperately clutching at the material at the back of my nightgown.
"I don't want to be alone in the dark anymore. Please don't leave me here," he whispered.
My throat got tight as I tried to hold back the sob that wanted to escape me. If I hadn't realized before just how broken Edward was, I did in that moment. "I won't. I promise," I said softly, "I love you and I'll never leave you. We're going to get you well, Edward."
I eventually moved us so I was on my back with Edward's head on my chest and my arms tight around him. He seemed to tolerate my hands on his back, much to my relief. We laid like that for what seemed like a long time, though it could have been only minutes. I didn't know what had caused this particular nightmare, but it served to remind me that we weren't living a normal life, and though we had a nice, peaceful, enjoyable day together, flashes of normal were just that; it wasn't the rule now, it was the exception, and I knew it was time to fully accept that. There were no fairy tales. Life was difficult sometimes, and if I was choosing Edward, I was choosing everything that came along with him.
In many ways, I felt completely inadequate in dealing with Edward. I had no doubt that I could take care of him, that I could bring him comfort and maybe even a little peace, but I knew now that I couldn't really cure him of whatever was causing his pain, or if anyone could. We had a lovely afternoon where Edward's emotions seemed to be completely under control, but his nightmare was the worst I'd ever see. There was no predicting when they would come and I had to stop thinking one pleasant day would cure what was ailing him.
But for as long as he needed and wanted the small ways I could help him, I would continue to provide for him. I could only hope it would be enough.
I jumped when Edward spoke, his voice breaking the silence we had laid in for so long.
"I need you. I don't want to do this without you. I don't think I can."
"I want you to let me help you. I know you're still holding back from me," I said, running my hands through his hair. "But I want to help you and you're not a burden to me."
"I am. But I don't want to be. I want to get well and take care of you the way I should. I want to take care of you the way you take care of me," he said softly, his lips moving against my chest.
"You took care of me for years, whether you realized it or not. You took care of me when we were growing up and you kept me from losing all hope after Charlie died. If it hadn't been for you, I'm not sure I would have made it through that. You've given me so much, Edward."
"I'd like to believe that," he said quietly. "And maybe it's been enough for you, but it hasn't been enough for me. I should have treated you better and taken more of an interest in what you were doing; I should have spent more time with you and kissed you more and told you I loved you at every opportunity. But I didn't. I didn't appreciate you. I didn't tell you that you were everything to me and that I would be lost without you."
I didn't know what to say, because what he said was partly true. He didn't really take an interest in my life after we moved to Maryland and there were times I felt unappreciated, and it hurt at the time. But I realized now that he was put into situations that were stressful and in some cases more than he was able to handle. And he didn't have me to talk to when it got to be too much. He didn't really have anyone, so it all built up inside of him until it exploded, often at me. This led to the realization that Edward had never been great at handling his emotions, not since we were children. I was the only one he would talk to about what was troubling him for years, until something changed when we were twelve. He had a good friend in Jasper after our falling out, but I was sure it wasn't the same. He wouldn't have put his head in Jasper's lap and unburdened himself, that was something he only did with me. I wondered if I should have fought harder for our friendship, and how much of the man he was today was a direct result of him not having me to talk to for those years.
But I also knew that he wasn't solely responsible for the early problems in our marriage. I had been young and immature and my expectations of him were probably too great, especially considering everything he had to deal with outside of our home. Looking back, I should have been more understanding of his odd schedule and the stress he was going through. It was nothing he asked for or could prevent.
"I wasn't a perfect wife, Edward. Maybe we weren't ready for such a huge commitment, I don't know. But I love you and I'm here now," I finally said. "I'm not going anywhere. I promise you. Please believe me."
I felt him nod, but I wasn't convinced that he believed me. "I mean it, Edward."
"I know you do," he said. "But how long will you put up with this? I can't even sleep through the night like a normal man."
I groaned in frustration and I felt him flinch against me as if I had shouted at him. I reassuringly ran my hands through his hair and kissed the top of his head. "I pray to God it doesn't happen, but if you have nightmares for the rest of your life, I'll be up with you in he middle of the night for the rest of mine. I love you," I said forcefully. "Please hear what I'm saying to you and believe it."
I felt wetness seep through my nightgown, heard Edward take a deep breath and I realized he was quietly crying. No longer mindful of his back, I wrapped him tightly in my arms and legs, whispering words of love and devotion in his ear. I told him that it would get easier, that life wouldn't always be so hard and that I would love him forever.
He seemed to settle after a while and as I ran my hands through his still sweaty hair, I thought of something that might bring him a little comfort.
"How about a bath?" I asked softly. "I could run it for you." It was the middle of the night, but I wasn't sure either one of us was going to get any more sleep.
"Okay," he said. "Thank you."
I smiled and kissed his forehead before disentangling myself from him and making my way to the bathroom. As I ran the hot water that slowly filled the tub, I thought about the last time I did this. He had come home frantic, seeking me out, and thinking about the way he made me feel as we made love that night caused the muscles low in my stomach to tighten. The love and intimacy and closeness that came with lovemaking was something I desperately wanted to feel again. I wanted to revel in that connection that I only ever had with Edward.
We both changed so much since that night, but we were still here, we still loved each other, and I hoped some day soon that we would both be able to handle everything that came along with lovemaking. Sighing, I turned off the taps and went to the bedroom to fetch Edward.
He was laying on his back, staring up at the ceiling blankly, his hands under his head. I went to the bed, smiled down at him, took his hand and led him to the bathroom.
Without thinking, I went to remove his shirt to help him get undressed, but he took my wrists in his hands to stop me.
"No, don't," he said, stepping away from me and shaking his head.
It dawned on me quickly, and I was angry with myself for forgetting. But he also needed to know that his scars didn't make him any less beautiful to me, and never would. "Edward, I love you. That doesn't matter."
"They're so ugly," he said softly, looking down and twisting his fingers together.
I immediately felt my insides start to shake and my stomach was queasy. Not only did he have to live through terrible pain and torture, but he had to live with the physical scars of it for the rest of his life. Even if in the future he was better able to mentally and emotionally handle what happened to him, he would never, ever be allowed to forget.
I walked up to him and placed my hands slowly and gently on his chest. "You'll always be beautiful to me, no matter what."
"I just...I can't, Bella. Please," he pleaded, taking my wrists gently in his hands and removing my hands from his chest.
"Okay, whatever you want. Just..." I trailed off, shaking my head. Now wasn't the time. "I'll leave you alone. Call me if you need anything," I said, turning to leave the room.
Edward grabbed my hand and pulled me back to him, enveloping me in a tight hug. "I'm sorry," he said softly.
"Don't be," I said, looking up at him. "It's going to be fine." I smiled at him reassuringly, turning and leaving the room before he noticed the tears in my eyes.
x-x-x
The night after our date and Edward's nightmare saw a distinct shift in our relationship. Edward was no longer physically tentative with me, but more importantly, he seemed to be much more open to talking to me. When he felt something, he told me about it. If a radio report made him feel angry or upset, sometimes he would run away, but more often than not he would stay with me and we would try to work through how he felt together. I could see at times that he was embarrassed or awkward when discussing his emotions, but he was still more open with me than he had been before. Our daily life was challenging since Edward was still emotionally unpredictable, but at least he was talking to me about it instead of suffering through it alone.
Just as Edward wanted, and I grew to appreciate, we spent time together doing all of the things we never had a chance to do before the war came and changed our lives so drastically. We went for ice cream and to see films, though we usually stepped out into the lobby during the newsreels; we went for long walks on the beach and Edward read to me almost every night. I was being courted, and I liked it. We didn't need it before since we knew each other inside and out before the war, but we were different now and we were getting to know each other all over again.
Edward spent a good deal of time with Carlisle, though I never asked what they were doing and he never offered to tell me. I wanted to know, but more so, I didn't want to interfere in their relationship or with any way that Carlisle might be helping him.
When I wasn't with Edward, I worked with Esme in the garden, helped Alice with her wedding plans and saw some of Angela. It was relaxing and sometimes, in the light of day, I could almost forget there was a war going on and that my husband had been profoundly damaged. But then nighttime would come and we would pull the blackout curtains closed and Edward would almost always wake at some point. The nightmares still came, but he let me comfort him and he sometimes told me what they were about, which seemed to relieve some of his burden and he was often able to go back to sleep afterward.
Edward touched and hugged me frequently, we slept together every night and he would kiss me sweetly on the lips when we slipped into bed, but that was the extent of our physical relationship. I was often tempted to initiate something more myself, but his volatile moods kept me on my toes and away from anything that might upset him. I was cautious around him, never knowing what might make him angry or upset.
Our days in Hawaii were good ones, for the most part. I could see changes in Edward, physically, mentally and emotionally, but the specter of his time away was always hanging over us.
When we got word that Jasper had been injured, it was a few weeks into November and I was considering asking Edward if he thought he might be ready to go back to Maryland. He was still my first and most important priority, but there were things I missed about home; namely Rose and my job. Edward seemed to be doing so well here, and I wouldn't force him to leave if he didn't want to, but part of me was getting anxious to return to the life I had left behind. My world didn't just revolve around Edward anymore, but for the time being, he had to be the focus of my attention.
But the news of Jasper prevented me from even mentioning to Edward that I wanted to leave. We only had word that he was injured; we didn't know where he was or how seriously he was wounded. Alice was beside herself with worry and she had always been so supportive of me that there was no way I would think of abandoning her now. Esme spoke to Mary Whitlock daily, but five days after the initial telegram we still had no details, so Carlisle decided to try to use some of his Navy contacts to get some information. Two days later, he had assurances that Jasper was on his way to the Naval Hospital at Pearl.
So we did what so many other families were doing.
We waited.
Thank you as always to Lucette21 for betaing this monster, and to LTR for pre-reading.
Thank you to everyone who's still reading and and to everyone who reviews. I am astonished and humbled by the continued response to this story. I don't know if I'll ever be able to thank you all properly, but I'm going to try.
A couple of readers requested an outtake of the conversation that Carlisle and Edward had on the beach at the end of chapter 24. It's almost completely written and should be up under Finding Liberty in a few days, so make sure that story is on alert if you'd like to read it.
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Dino Grandi was an interesting man. In July of 1943 he led a group of Fascists in ousting Mussolini from power. Though it worked initially, an alternate government was established which sentenced Grandi to death for treason. However, he had the foresight to flee to Spain in August of 1943. In this version of events, he dropped Edward off on the way.
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This story has been nominated for a Shimmer Award in the category of Best Tear Jerker.
Thank you to whoever took the time to nominate the story, it was an incredibly kind gesture. Nominations are still open and there are quite a few categories, so stop by and nominate your favorites. Voting begins on June 27th.
http:/shimmerawards (dot) webs (dot) com/
I'll be offering a Finding Home outtake in the Fandom Gives Back auction at the end of the month. I don't have a team so I should be affordable and it's for a good cause.
Thank you for reading. Sorry that was so long. Until next time.