November 25th, 2006

Luke,

It's like that TV show or movie, I really can't remember which, it's the one with the person who can't remember what just happened, all they have are little fragments of memories to piece together. Maybe it's the Demerol still trying to wear off.

But as I look over at your sleeping in that seemingly and surprisingly comfy chair next to my bed, your head back, mouth open, all I can think of is you. The feel of your hand squeezing mine tight. The sound of your voice in my ear, coaching me. The look in your eyes at the first sight of your son.

I remember my water breaking. I remember you grabbing my hand and putting me into Graciela's car and driving us to the hospital. I think I remember chatting with the doctor. But I don't remember the pain. I don't really remember how long it took. All I remember is the loud voice in my head saying 'it's time'. It was booming. And I remember, I closed my eyes trying to concentrate on you and the doctor and really just giving birth.

And it wasn't until it was over and my son was safely tucked in this father's arms and you passed him to me, letting me hold him for the first time that the voice stopped and the world stopped and time stood still.

My son. My perfect, amazing, adorable, beautiful son.

I remember the first time I held Rory. The first time the next day when I walked down to the nursery and met up with Chris and looked at my baby girl, I couldn't take my eyes off of her. Chris was standing there asking me to marry him and I didn't hear him.

But you, you turn to me and whisper in my ear that you love me, and it's all I can hear. He's all I can see. You're all I can hear. And really, nothing else matters.

Is it odd that all I can think of right now is the night our beautiful Caleb was conceived? At least, it's what I think was the night he was conceived. I'm not sure who can tell us but that's what it seems to me, considering things going on then.

You had stopped in the inn that morning because you had stayed at your place due to April's visit and an early delivery and I had stayed at mine since I had to get ready for that early meeting at the Dragonfly, plus also, April's visit. So when you showed up just as I dismissed the staff with a to-go cup of coffee in one hand and a bag of donuts in the other, I was so shocked. First of all, the idea that you would even consider letting me eat and drink such food and beverage without a short argument was astonishing enough. But you were there, leaning against the doorway, with that smile on your face that only I would notice. Makes we wonder if we weren't in the middle of the inn that we might have made up for lost time the night before right then.

So you handed them to me and insisted that I take that evening off. Normally, being that it was the first Saturday night I had scheduled myself to work in awhile, I would have refused. But you had gone out of your way to search me out, to take time away from work and come see me, bring me treats and request time with me. Besides, in those times it seemed our times alone together were few and far between.

I guess you might say things got a little better after Valentine's Day, but really, did they? I'm not sure you really heard me then. And when we got back it was like all the magic that had occurred in the Vineyard, the carefree relationship we had moved back to, all disappeared the moment we crossed the line back into Stars Hollow. So maybe that's why I said yes and agreed to take off, maybe that's why I changed my usual policy to have one night with you.

And now, with Caleb, I'm glad I did.

So you met me at the house later that night. I was so nervous, and I don't know why, but I was. I even ended up leaving work early to try on every single dress in my closet, ending up with the first dress I tried on of course, the short black one that you had taken me shopping for during the day after Christmas sale just a few months before. Good choice, I think, since you practically drooled on your nice leather jacket when I walked down the stairs.

How much I loved doing that. Just picking out the right outfit that would have your eyes stuck on me the entire night.

And after I had stood in front of you for what seemed like half an hour, you finally managed a 'Lorelai, you look beautiful'. I think might have just fallen in love with you all over again that moment. Your compliments, Luke, they're so much more than just words, they instill a sense of self-confidence in me that I'd have never found if not for you. And you'd think that after all this time I'd just be used to them, the way your mouth formed the words, the gentle sound to your voice, the look in your eyes as you said the words, but I'm not. I swear my heart flutters each time.

I remember that you just took my hand, played with my fingers for a moment and looked into my eyes. Could you see my soul? Because that's what it felt like.

We got in the truck and you drove us to that Italian restaurant in… where was it? I've been trying to remember where it was so I could tell Rory about it but I think I spent so much time eyeing you, my sexy eye candy, that I didn't even look where we were going. And, really, who could blame me? You, my darling, are a stud. Yup, one handsome sexy stud all wrapped up in a Luke package (hee, Luke package) just for me.

I loved that little restaurant. We sat at one of those tables where it was almost dark, basically only lit by candles, like it was only the two of us in the world. I know inside you had some ongoing rant about the absurdities of going to a restaurant just to feel like you're alone, but you kept it all inside and I appreciated it.

It was also lucky that I could manage eating with just one hand because you never let go of my left hand, not that I would have let you. I really had no idea if you had a reason for it all but it was wonderful, to always have your hand in mine. Every once in awhile your fingers would graze my engagement ring and I think I saw your face light up, maybe it was just the flicker of light from the candles, I'm not sure, but to me it was a sign, a signal from you that you still wanted to marry me. Eventually we'd be together, for forever. And thinking about it now doesn't make me upset that it didn't turn out that way, it only warms my heart that in the worst of times, and right then we were pretty much in the thick of some terrible times, we could still get away from it all and just remember how much we wanted to be together. We still knew that when you kissed me on the porch of my inn, it wasn't a fluke, it wasn't wrong, it wasn't the beginning of an accident waiting to happen, but the beginning of something true and wonderful.

What did we even talk about? Did we talk about the food? The inn? Paul Anka? I can't even remember, can't have been that important, huh? I can't remember that but I can remember the whole feeling of the night. It reminded me of the old times, before April, before Rory left Yale, before the engagement. Just the two of us reveling in our coupledom. It reminded me of our first date and our first date after we got back together and our first date as a newly engaged couple. So much electricity, I felt like jumping up and down and I'm sure I was chattering a mile a minute. But each time I caught that look in your eyes, my heart jumped out of my chest, and in those moments I never once questioned your love.

After dinner you ordered a double order of tiramisu to go and drove us back to Stars Hollow. This time I was so interested in your game plan for the rest of the night, that I didn't bother trying to follow the path back home. You parked at my house and grabbed my hand, saying that you wanted to take me somewhere. I thought maybe we were going dancing, not sure why that came to mind because you hate dancing, although usually I can get you to dance with me.

We ended up on that little footbridge, the one you said you pushed Jess off of. I really never spent much time there although I remember Rory saying how much she loved that place. And we just sat there, our feet dangling off, barely grazing the water, which was good because I'm pretty sure the water was quite cold at that time of year. You put your coat around me and watched me eat the tiramisu, leaning away from me when I tried to force some on you. We looked up at the stars, seeing how the universe was so huge, but you and me, sitting on that bridge in the dark, that was all the world we needed in that moment.

When I finally finished the dessert, you wrapped your arm around me and I laid my head on your shoulder. I remember you tracing the outline of my hand with your finger and I knew you were working something through your brain, trying to figure out how to say it.

You asked if I knew the significance of that day, if I knew why you had insisted upon taking me out. I think I had tried not to think about it, just wanting to take the date for what it was. And you took my hand and kissed it and told me that you it had been exactly a year since the night you showed up on my doorstep and pulled me into your arms and kissed me and returned back to my life after our month apart. You said you wouldn't trade that moment for anything. You said your heart had ached without me and that moment brought you back together. You said you never wanted to forget what it would be like to lose what we had.

Times are tough Luke. We've been through the bad, the very worst, including two breakups that broke me. But we've also shared in the good the very best. And you remembered that. Even though things were falling apart, our relationship was destructing, at that moment, nothing was wrong, everything was perfect. And when you took me home and made love to me, it was like the first time all over again, it was like finding myself within you and becoming a part of us again.

That's the night that brought us Caleb. And at least he can be a constant reminder, not a once a year anniversary, but our living child. He's what we'll look at and realize what we can do together and what we will lose if we ever fall apart again.

And now, on this day, one of the happiest of my life, all I can think about is how wonderful it is, how magical love is that it can bring us from that horrible night in May to this very perfect one. You know what, it may have been terrible what I did, what you did, but I think we've learned something from all of this. When we got back together that first time, we didn't really figure out what went wrong, we had just missed each other so much that we didn't want to go over and over what you did or I did to break us apart, to try to fix what was wrong.

That was stupid, I know that now. But I think now, despite the fact that I'm going to miss you so much when you go back home, we've actually learned this time. I think we've really fixed what went wrong and I think we even understand each other a little better. I was afraid that if and when we got back together that it wouldn't be the same as it was before and it's not the same. It's better.

With all my heart,

Lorelai