Well, it's been quite a while. I'm alive though, don't worry. I've just been, blah. I'm having some problems with a guy. Sometimes that gene pool should cease to exist (no offense). But, I'm pretty sure he'll come back despite his new girlfriend. He made it clear he really liked me…and I'm sure that hasn't just stopped overnight. Sorry, this isn't livejournal; I just had to get that out. My depression also will set the mood to this drabble. The inspiration for this one actually came from a sad dream I had last night, and some Evanescence. I really dug myself into a hole didn't I? Just a take on how things could've went after Yano's death when Motoko screwed up the true location of Kuze.

"Major, what the hell's goin' on here? You never screwed up like this before! Kuze's not here, and now we just lost one of our own damn rookies…in an ambush by a bunch of armed refugees!"

"…I know…sorry,"

Batou would've kept going, if not for the look on her face. He'd never seen her so…guilty. She usually pretended that she didn't feel bad, pretended that it's all part of the job. He assumed she took the pain home with her and thrashed about in her insanity alone at night in her bed. He wondered sometimes if she had screaming nightmares about all the people they see die every day. His assumptions increased now after seeing her like this.

The rest of the members of Section Nine noticed the tension, and thought it best to give their commander some space. Something wasn't right in her head ever since she dove into Kuze's Hub Cyber Brain. Batou watched the rest of them continue up the next flight of steps to get outside. He half thought about staying and trying to wipe the mournful look off of Motoko's face, but realized that when she's in this kind of unstable mind; that she needs to let it go herself. He always said to himself that it never hurt to scream or cry, but he knew that she thought nothing of it.

He then turned his head to Azuma. He figured that he was the most affected by Yano's death. They were good friends, and they worked side by side from day to day. He wondered how he would handle it. He wondered if he even would. He shook the thought from his head. Section Nine was far too elite to take the easy way out of life. But, then again, the guy was a rookie. Maybe he didn't fall into the line of unbreakable just yet. Whatever the case may be, Batou was doing too much thinking. He took one last glace at Motoko who hadn't moved an inch since she saw Yano's body. He turned and walked up the rest of the stairs and began contacting the Chief about Yano. He pulled out a dig and sparked his lighter. He took a long drag as he began to head outside towards the others.

When they all come crashing down- midflight
you know you're not the only one
when they're so alone they find a back door out of life
you know you're not the only one

Anyone looking back on the moment now would've either been glad that they did or regret that they ever did. Major Motoko Kusanagi was now staring blankly down at her gun clutched tightly in her hands. Almost as if to say 'Who is this weapon meant to kill; me or my enemies?' Batou had to admit that it made his artificial heart jump. What was she thinking, what was she planning to do? Only she knew the answer to that. He wanted to run over to her and just plant a fist into her face for even looking like that, but another part of him just wanted to hug her and tell her that life has its ways of making people think disappearing is the only way out when really it's not.

We're all grieving, lost and bleeding
All our lives, we've been waiting
for someone to call our leader
all your lies, I'm not believing
heaven shine a light down on me

Before she even made any move to pull anything drastic, she dropped her gun and fell to her knees. It looked like she wanted to cry out in anguish and release all of the pent up emotions she hides from the world. But, she doesn't, she just stays still, shaking, hands in front of her face. He'd never seen her scarlet eyes so wide. He began to approach her slowly, though he doubted she even noticed him progressing forward towards her. He looked down at her, wondering if this was even the Major. He had to be delirious. Maybe the nicotine he's been soaking up for the past 25 years was really starting to get to him. Nicotine poisoning; yeah that's it. That always gives you a bit of a high, like you're the only thing in the world not moving, like you're the only thing that makes sense.

So afraid to open your eyes- hypnotized
you know you're not the only one
never understood this life
and you're right I don't deserve but you know I'm not the only one

Her head snapped up at an unrealistic speed, even for a cybernetic woman. He half expecting to look back down into shining eyes, glistening with pain and grief. But what he saw, was like a new strength, and yet filled with hidden weaknesses. It was like watching one of her subordinates made something snap inside, but the question was what? He then felt foolish for even thinking that she'd be crying. The foolishness, however, crept away when her heard her broken voice.

"Batou…who am I…anymore?"

The question was so simple and yet so hard to understand. She'd always had this underlying air about her identity. It was as if her past wasn't even there to begin with. They say your past shapes the person you are today. If she couldn't remember her past, then how could she know who she is?

"You're better than this, Major," He could almost see her flinch at his way of addressing her. "It doesn't matter who you are, how you got here, and what happened before you came, what matters is that people make mistakes. Shit happens, and there's always a solution, you always get a second chance,"

What he said had made no sense coming out of his mouth and going into his ears, but to her, it made perfect sense. Maybe it was because of her philosophy. She speaks in riddles, she is a riddle sometimes, and so speaking to foreign to her seemed to help her open her eyes. She bent over forward, resting her head in her hands and settling it against his shins. He felt a smile push itself up his jaw. This would another one of their secrets.

"You're not the only one who makes mistakes here Major. Fate played a dirty trick. But, maybe it felt that you needed a swift kick in the ass to figure out what you want out of life, and it's tell you to go for it. If you want it bad enough, you got it. Just remember that,"

Don't look down
don't look into the eyes of the world beneath you
don't look down, you'll fall down,
you'll become their sacrifice
right or wrong
can't hold onto the fear that I'm lost without you
if I can't feel, I'm not mine,
I'm not real

o.O Seems I got pretty serious there. I guess it's kind of a pep talk for me and for anyone else with some problems, whatever they may be. I believe that fate does play a big role in life, but, in accordance to what you want. If you want something bad enough and prove it, fate will kick you in the right direction and change course. I hope I and everyone else can prove themselves worthy of getting what they want out of life and out of love. Until later XD Oh, and the song I inserted in here was called "The Only One" by Evanescence...not me ;)