The more I want in, the more I want in
The less I know, the less I know
But I'm forgotten, I'm forgotten
I'll be alone, I'll be alone, I'll be alone
With everybody watching me
The scar on her side would probably never go away, but it seemed fitting since the memories of that day wouldn't either. It was always going to be there. But she would settle for the faded purple scar than the swollen, bruised stitches she had put up with for all those weeks. Looking in the mirror after stepping out of the shower never ended well for Hayley, always finding something to worry over or huff about.
Today was the first step in getting back into field work. Training had to be a daily activity if she wanted to work as soon as possible, she had to be back in top condition. This time she wasn't going to let her last mission stop her from going back. But she still didn't know where she would be going back to.
Before the mission that killed her brother, Hayley wanted to be an agent. She wanted to work more complex missions, she wanted to work in a different field to the one she had known for so long. But when her brother died, the field became a place where she knew she would be fighting for him, doing what he was when he took his last breath. All she wanted was for him to be proud of her.
Zipping up her black hoodie over her gym clothes, Hayley pulled a baseball cap over her messy ponytail and threw her bag over her shoulder as she walked out of her apartment. Outside, people crowded the pavement as usual. Briefcases in hand, cellphones to their ears, it was almost like the battle hadn't happened at all. But it only took walking a few streets away to realize that the damage was still very much present in the neighborhood.
An elderly man walked outside of his small corner shop and readied himself to lift a large cart full of tiles, making Hayley hurry her steps to meet him before he broke his back attempting it on his own.
''Let me help,'' she insisted, setting her bag down and immediately going to the other end of the crate.
''Oh, if you don't mind,'' the man smiled, reaching down with her to lift the heavy delivery.
As soon as the crate was lifted above knee level, Hayley could feel the intense pain in her side again. It felt like it was burning, like her stitches were being ripped out again. The muscles hadn't fully healed, but Hayley couldn't stand being useless any longer.
The slow walk into the store seemed to take longer than just two minutes, but eventually they were able to set down the crate and take a deep breath. The old man sat back onto a chair to catch his breath while Hayley bent down slightly, desperate to take the pressure off the bruises on her side.
''Are you alright dear?'' he asked, noticing her pain.
''I'm fine,'' she shook her head, giving him a forced smile. ''Don't go lifting any of that on you own, okay?''
''I'm afraid I might not be able to even if I tried,'' he sighed, disappointed in himself.
Hayley looked around the store, noticing the new glass in the windows and the bare floor which had been ripped up from the damage. Smashed cabinets sat in the corners and dust floated in the air. Falling debris had his these streets hard.
''How long have you had this place?'' Hayley asked the man.
''I worked here as a boy, it was my father's store and it's been mine now for the last 36 years,'' he announced proudly. ''We've had damage before, but never like this,''
Just seeing the man look around his store made Hayley's guilt over the battle swarm back to her. She wished that these people didn't have to suffer because of what Loki brought onto them. She wished SHIELD helped more, but it was too late to think of that now.
''Do you need any help?''
''Oh no, my son will be here soon,'' the man shook his head. ''Go on with your day darling, thank you very much,''
Walking out to the pavement to pick up her bag again, Hayley looked around at everything else on this street. Still operating, despite the fallout of the battle, and that made her feel the tiniest bit better.
Hayley's eyes stung from the droplets of sweat than ran into them. She had been hitting the bag in front of her repeatedly for the last two hours, alternating between punches and kicks. Granted, the kicks happened less often then the punches due to the pain they caused, but she made sure she done at least fifty of them. The only way she was going to get rid of the pain was by building up her muscle again, not resting as suggested. She had been doing that for long enough.
The only noise that echoed through the gym were the hits against the bag and Hayley's heavy breaths. Which may have been why she was so startled when Steve's voice rang through the room.
''Take it easy,'' he warned, no hint of joking in his voice as he walked closer.
''What do you think I've been doing?''
''Your stitches have been out for less than a week, I can't imagine doing any of this is feeling too good,''
Hayley didn't say a word, knowing he was already aware of how it was feeling. For the past few weeks when Steve had finished up his SHIELD business for the day, he was normally wearing either his suit or a grey t-shirt with SHIELD's emblem on it. He was officially part of the highest tact crew in the organization, which seemed to encourage Hayley to get back into fighting shape even sooner. She hated being the disadvantage.
''I've had about a month of doing nothing, I need to train,'' she shook her head, her breath unsteady as she steadied herself, hands on her knees. ''I want to get back to work,''
''I know that, but it's not worth hurting yourself over,'' he shook his head.
''Steve, everyone I know is moving on. You're part of SHIELD's team now and I'm proud of you for that, but I can't stand you working all day to help everyone and then coming home to tell me I'm doing too much just by walking to the kitchen,'' she admit sincerely. ''And now Blake's...he's gonna be gone in a few days and I don't know what I'm meant to do or where I'm meant to go,''
''What do you mean?'' Steve asked quietly, letting her vent.
''I don't know where my place is anymore,'' she shook her head, letting her arms hang heavily by her sides. ''I worked so long and hard to get back into the field and when I got there it wasn't how I remembered. I didn't have my partner, I didn't have my brother by my side. I've made my peace with his death as much as I can, but...maybe I shouldn't go back to the field, maybe that isn't my job anymore,''
Steve understood where she was coming from now. Everyone seemed to be stepping up to new things and Hayley was staying in the one spot, dealing with the same issues and being haunted by the same memories. The field was her zone, she knew how to work in there and she had done it for so long, but it wasn't the same anymore after everything that happened. If anyone understood what she was meaning, it was definitely Steve.
''You don't have to prove anything to anyone Hayley,'' he shook his head, reaching out to put his hands on her shoulders. ''Not to Blake, not to SHIELD and especially not to me,''
''I'm not trying to prove myself,''
''I know, I just want you to know that,'' he clarified. ''I know what it's like to go back to something you knew so well only for it to be completely different to what you remember,''
Hayley sighed and leaned forward, resting her head on his chest. Here she was complaining about fieldwork being different to what she remembered when Steve literally came back to a completely new world. Nothing was familiar to him, but he adjusted.
''This is stupid, I'm being stupid,'' she shook her head.
''You're not being stupid,'' Steve rejected, moving back to she would tilt her head up to look at him. ''Listen, this is your life, no one else's. Don't make choices for them, don't do anything for them. This is all you, Hayley. What do you want to do?''
Staring up at him speechless, Hayley thought to herself about all her options. Maybe it was because of how the battle changed her opinion on SHIELD and she wanted to be a part of doing something more, something better, or because she didn't have the same feeling in the field as she used to, but being there talking to Steve about all of it, Hayley's mind was suddenly made up.
''I want to complete the process,'' she announced. ''I want to be an agent,''
Blake watched as Hayley picked off pieces from her burger and munched on them miserably. She hadn't even touched her chocolate shake yet and that's how Blake knew just how bad of a mood she was in. It was only a few hours until his flight left and he wanted to spend all the time he could with Hayley before he had to leave, but it wasn't going well.
''Not hungry?'' he asked, breaking the silence.
''Not really,''
''Come on Hayley. I'll see you next month and your parent's anniversary, I'm a phone call away and there's always Skype,''
Hayley sighed and sat down her fork, giving up on pushing fries all around her plate with no intention on eating them at all. Of course there were ways to reach Blake whenever they needed one another, but that wasn't the point. She wasn't sad that he was going off to start a normal life with Laura, she wasn't sad that he was going to move away because she knew he was going to be happy. What upset her the most was when someone turned her doorknob or knocked on the door in the middle of the night, she knew it wasn't going to be her best friend.
''You were wrong when you said I don't need you anymore,'' Hayley told him. ''I might not need your help anymore, but I'll always need my best friend Blake, and it really bums me out to know I can't call you to come over for pizza and complain with me until midnight anymore,''
Blake was going to miss all of that too, but he a whole new life to start soon, and that didn't mean that he and Hayley wouldn't be just as close as they were now. If she thought he wouldn't be calling her at all hours to complain about a TV show they like or about a game they took a bet on, she was very wrong. Blake was going to miss her just as much as she would miss him, in fact he was sure he would miss her more than she imagined.
''Don't get too sappy on me O'Connor,'' he teased, lightly kicking her foot under the table. ''I bet I can annoy you just as much across the country as I can here,''
''I wouldn't bet against that actually,'' she laughed. ''I'm gonna miss you so much,''
''Well, I'm a lovable guy, I don't blame you,''
Hayley stood by as Blake and Steve said their goodbyes to one another. It was nice to see how close they had become over the past few months as well. They were both very alike when Hayley thought about it. They believed in the same thing, they stood up against what they thought was wrong and they were always there for the people they cared about. They were good men.
Steve extended his hand to Blake and shook it as if they were signing off on a mission, proudly saying farewell to one another.
''You take care of her,'' Blake told him.
''Always will,'' Steve assured. ''You take care of yourself and Laura, stay safe. I wish you the best Agent Blake,''
''You too Cap,'' Blake smiled.
Once they stepped apart, it was Hayley's turn.
There was nothing more either of them could say. Hayley swung her arms over Blake's shoulders and hugged him as tight as she could as he did the same, pressing a soft kiss to her cheek and holding her for a few moments. They would see each other again soon, but it didn't make saying goodbye any easier.
Hayley moved back after a moment with tears threatening to spill over, but she did her best to hold them back.
''I'm feeling it, the moment calls for it,'' Blake suggested.
''Oh, no, no,'' Hayley shook her head, a smile overtaking her expression. ''You're not going to space Blake, it's not the Armageddon moment,''
''But it is! Come on! Who knows next time we're standing beside a jet? How many times did we watch that movie Hayley? We have to!''
''You're a terrible singer Blake-''
''All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go,'' Blake cut in, singing loudly against her protest. ''I'm standing here outside your door. I'd hate to wake you up to say goodbye,''
Blake pointed to Hayley then, causing her to break out in laughter once again. Steve stood next to her looking between the two friends in confusion, wondering what they were singing and why it was seemed relevant.
''But the dawn in breaking, it's early morn','' Hayley sang back reluctantly. ''The taxi's waiting, he's blowing his horn,''
''Already I'm so lonesome I could die,'' Blake chuckled. ''So kiss me and smile for me, tell me that you'll wait for me. Hold me like you'll never let me go. Okay you gotta sing with me now O'Connor,''
Hayley smiled and let the tears run now, singing along with her best friend.
''I'm leaving on a jet a plane, don't know when I'll be back again, Oh babe, I hate to go,''