Chapter 25 – '… so much closer'
"Harry…" I whispered into his lips, the sound coming out muffled due to the pressure of his lips pressed firmly against mine.
We stumbled back into my room, the door being slammed shut by the force of his foot hitting it, not once taking the focus from the kiss we were sharing. His arms were around my waist, travelling up and down my back; making me shake with chills and burn with desire all at the same time. The breathing was quick and shallow, but it was the only sound that filled the room in between the uncontrollable escaping moans. We remained fastened at the lips, our hands wandering frantically over our bodies, as if they were exploring new territory for the first time. We continued this way, continuing to be attached at the lips, chests, the hips; the skin of our bodies aching to be in contact with the other.
After an evening filled with stealing glances, sly smiles, unnoticeable clasps of our hands, the odd wander off to steal a quick embrace, small kisses to the cheek, just barely brushing our lips together, the tension between us had built to a fever pitch; we were on the verge of explosion. The second the last guest disappeared, the moment the door clicked closed, Harry's lips found mine and they had been attached ever since. We managed to stumble our way into my bedroom, longing just to be in each others arms, to feel each other's touch, to be able to taste one other. The wanting was consumable, devouring us whole as soon as we indulged into it.
Our contact breaks for the slightest of moments, inhaling a deep breath of air as Harry gently slips my shirt over my head; his lips plunging back into mine the second the material leaves my head, plummeting to the floor. My whole body is numb yet buzzing with so much excitement and desire that I thought my head would burst from so much ecstasy. Even now, I continued to be overwhelmed by such an intense feeling, almost being unable to control myself and having to break away just to be able to survive. My lips broke free of his, the sharp intake of air rushing into my lungs. My face remained close to his, staring up into it, my vision blurry from the passionate sensation.
My eyes fell to his lips, a darker shade of pink from the intense contact of my lips on his. The corner of his mouth curls up revealing a grin, making my knees go weak all over again as the feeling was just recently regained into my legs. I just wanted to kiss him over and over again, unable to control the impulse to lunge forward and taste him again. I was breathing deeply, finding the air in the room suffocating, but in the best sense possible.
I slowly brought my hands up, finding it necessary to shed him of his unnecessary and hindering clothing. My hands found his suspenders, firmly hung on his broad shoulders. I slipped a single finger under the material, running down to his chest and pulling it away from his body. My other hand mimicked the same action to the other side, and both hands were now toying with the elastic material. His lips brushed soft kisses to the skin of my cheek and down to the pulsating veins that resided in my neck; his hot breath electrifying each cell in my body.
"I've wanted to kiss you like that all night," his low voice vibrated against the skin of my neck, only being recognized as a deep mumble.
"Oh Harry," I exhaled as his tongue gently swept up my neck to my jaw line.
I pushed the suspenders aside, finding his buttons and undoing them hurriedly. As I continued to work on his clothing, Harry had expertly rid me of mine, leaving me standing in front of him only covered by the material of my underwear. I pulled away from him and just stared at him, overcome by emotion once again. I was in ecstasy and pure misery at the same time; I wanted to continue kissing him and feeling his body on mine, but also wanted to cry rivers of tears at the thought of him leaving. Even in these moments of passion, I couldn't escape the thought of him leaving; knowing that at this time tomorrow, I would be alone.
My gaze dropped, my head following, unable to control the single tear that managed to escape my eye. I closed them tightly, willing for no more to fall, bringing my hand up quickly to wipe away the rogue tear. I felt Harry's hands cup my face, framing each side as he pulled my head up to meet his gaze. He looked down at me, and brought his face to mine, placing his lips on my lips in an earth-shattering, gentle, passion filled, heart breaking kiss. I felt yet another tear escape the confines of my eyes, rolling down my cheek slowly. He pulled my face away slowly, my lips now motionless and completely numb from his sensation. He looked down on me again, wiping the moisture from my cheek with his thumb ever so gently.
"I'm so sorry," he whispered, holding my face in his hands as he spoke.
I took in another deep breath to steady my speeding heart and to calm my nerves. Just looking into his eyes, feeling his skin on mine made me loose all my composure and for the first time, it made me want to weep tears of sorrow. He had left me before, but this time it was different. Previous times when he left, he would take a small piece of my heart, a miniscule fragment that I could somehow manage to live without. But this time, when he leaves tomorrow, he will be taking the entire thing; he will be carrying with him my whole heart. I had willingly given it up to him over this visit, exposing my vulnerable self; how was I expected to just go on with my life after my heart leaves for England? How is anyone supposed to bare the thought of not knowing when you would be able to see the person you love again? I just wanted him here, here with me.
"Don't apologize," I finally spoke in a barely audible tone, "you don't have anything to apologize for," I said, wiping away a few more silent tears.
"I'm sorry that I make you cry, I'm sorry that I have to leave tomorrow and I'm sorry that I have grown to love you so much but end up hurting you in the end," he said, his hands still cupping my face, our eyes locked with each other's.
"Oh Harry," I said, more tears escaping my eyes at his sweet words, my shoulders dropping in defeat.
"I love you so much."
"I love you more than I can say."
With that exchange of words, my heart broke, reassembled and then broke all over again. I had fallen hard and now my heart was plummeting, falling in to the hands of Harry Judd. My face still clasped gently in his hands was pulled forward and our lips were re-attached, moving against one another in a familiar fashion, but sending new and exciting sensations through every nerve of my body. My arms wrapped around his neck instinctively, recreating a memorable pose between us; one that I would happily spend the rest of my breathing days locked in.
His hands dropped from my face and lowered to wrap around my back, pulling me up into his hold, lifting my feet off the ground and making me melt into him. Our chests rose and fell together in a rhythmic fashion, the beat of his heart echoing into my own chest, sending my own rhythm into a beating frenzy. My legs wrapped around his waist, and my arms tightened around his neck, pulling up to push my lips harder against his.
He began to move, stumbling over to the bed as his hands remained firmly clasped around my back, my own running up and down his spine, snaking around to his chest as my finger nails dug gently into his skin. He lets out a low growl into my lips and I can't help the smile that cracks into the kiss. We fall onto the bed, still attached, his arms untwisting from my waist and braced on either side of me, holding up his weight. He lowers onto me, the weight of his body on mine and skin pressing against every inch of my own sending uncontrollable shivers down my spine. He unwraps my arms gently from around his neck while planting soft kisses to my collarbone, his fingers trailing gently over the flaming skin of my arms, pulling them up and over my head, pinning me beneath him.
He just stares down at me, my gaze finding his, staring back, unable to say anything. Silence fills the room between us, our breathing settling as our hearts fall into a common rhythm.
"You're beautiful," he whispers, brushing my hair from my cheek, exposing the deep red that has burned itself into the flesh.
"Oh Harry, stop it," I whisper, breaking eye contact with him, unable to take the sensation of his eyes boring into me.
Someone as unsure of themselves and self-conscious as myself is not capable or confident enough to just stare back, to hold my own against someone as handsome and incredible as Harry was. I still didn't know what he saw in me, but I was grateful to whatever it was, making me happy that someone like him could have found me.
"Don't look away, you are so gorgeous and I can't believe that I am lucky enough to be with someone as wonderful as you," he said softly, bringing my face back up, making eye contact immediately.
How was he doing this? It was as if he was residing in the back of my mind, taking notes of all my insecurities and far-fetched notions and then saying things at the perfect times to reassure me; to make me feel like I am the only girl in the entire world that means anything to him. This feeling, the way he made me believe that I was the most important person was what made me fall for him. He had managed to make me feel undoubtedly wanted, constantly needed, lustfully desired, and unconditionally loved. He had managed to fill a part of me that I now couldn't bare to live with empty.
"How are you so perfect?" I asked, bringing my hand gently to his cheek, brushing the roughness of his stubble as his eyes scanned my face.
His lips curled at this question, his gaze breaking from mine and falling for the first time. I could have sworn that a hint of insecurity shot through him as he lowered his head, self-consciousness suddenly evident on his face as he searched for an answer.
"I'm not," he exhaled, shaking his head slightly.
It was my turn to reassure him that he meant everything to me; and in my eyes he was perfect. He was perfect for me. I brought my hand under his chin and lifted it gently to regain his focus, wanting him to look straight into my eyes, to see that what I was about to say was the most important thing in the world.
"To me you are."
He didn't say anything, just crashing his lips onto mine, not allowing me to breath as his lips suffocated my own. We rolled against each other, our bodies entangled and skin pushed up against one another; every inch was in contact, the heat radiating out from between us. I was left gasping many times, the air escaping me, my chest rising and falling quickly as I lay speechless and numb. After everything said, everything that happened over the last week or so, we were full of pure, unadulterated want and lust as our bodies rolled and tossed on the bed; we gave into the want and desire, relishing in the sensation that we would be devoid of for too long in the near future. The new feelings, jolts of electricity and burning desire were committed to memory; taking notice of every small detail so to be able to recreate this prefect scene in my head when necessary.
After hours of indulging our needs, we lay there facing each other, sleep escaping us both. One of Harry's arms was draped protectively over my waist, pulling me into him as our eyes remained locked. The other hand was wrapped firmly around my own hand, pulling it close and placing it against the skin of his chest; the slow rhythmic beating of his heart penetrating the skin of my hand, echoing through my veins and into my chest.
We breathed deeply and quietly, neither of us knowing what to say; we had said everything there was to say, done everything we could do to show how we felt about each other, and felt all the emotions there were to feel. There was no more to it; all we did now was wait for the inevitable heartache that was just behind the approaching sunrise. I willed for the sun to disappear, forget about the upcoming morning and give me this moment for ever, this night where I could lay in Harry's arms and sleep peacefully knowing that he would never leave me.
"I want to stay like this with you," Harry breathed, breaking the suffocating silence that had fallen over the room.
"Me too," I whispered, barely able to hold it together for those two words.
There was another pause of silence, as if the next words that he was about to utter would shatter the world, crumbling my very existence; but I knew what was coming next, and I knew that my heart would break all over again at the sound of those words.
"I don't want to leave," he mumbled, the hurt reappearing in his eyes as he mentioned the inevitable.
"Me neither," I quickly said, bringing my lips hastily to his, kissing him slowly and softly, but pulling away before the fire between us began to blaze again; unable to experience the enormity of the feelings once more, already too worn from the battle that was raging on inside me.
I turned away from him and quickly leapt from the bed, grabbing a t-shirt and moving hurriedly to the bathroom, ignoring the quiet protests from Harry as I left the room. I couldn't lay there like that for much longer without breaking down completely. I didn't want to cry in front of him again; he already felt so bad for leaving, the guilt gnawing away at him, I knew this. So it was selfish for me to break down in front of him, causing him even more grief. This wasn't going to be easy on either of us, and I couldn't just be thinking of my own weakness at the moment, I had to take into consideration his. It broke Harry's heart to see me this hurt, and in return it broke mine to even be able to hurt him in this way; it was a vicious cycle, and I had to break it before we both tumbled into a pool of misery.
I found refuge in the bathroom, not turning on the lights as I leant up against the wood of the door, taking in deep breaths as the silent tears cascaded down my cheeks, my body jerking from the gut-wrenching sobs that wracked my body. I slid down the hard door, falling into a puddle on the floor, my knees up at my chest. In my dark sanctuary of the bathroom, I broke down, letting the sorrow fill every inch of my being.
I was quickly snapped from my despair by the sound of feet softly padding their way closer to the bathroom door. Oh shit, he can't see me like this. I sprung to my feet, pulling all my strength as my chest continued to rise and fall violently from the sobs that shot through me. I tried to wipe the stains of tears from my cheeks furiously as I saw the reflection of my drowning self, unable to erase the effects of crying. He was going to open that door and see me like this and I knew his heart would break, causing me and him more unnecessary pain. I heard him reach the door, his heavy breathing sounding through the wood, making my own heart race uncontrollably.
I was unable to cease the sobs, the wrenching of my upper body resembling that of convulsions. I quickly turned to the shower, turning the hot water on fully, and letting the hot mass fall from the shower head. I heard a soft knock on the door, barely audible over the rushing of water behind the curtain. I ignored it, stripping off my t-shirt and jumping into the hot waterfall.
"Let me in," I heard him whisper, the sound of his voice cracking my last hope of pulling it together, the tears now falling hard and furiously.
I ignored him again, unable to piece any form of words together, my voice failing me even if I tried. I was afraid that if I opened my mouth, the silent sobs would escape only leaving gasping and weeping sounds, ones that I wasn't prepared to hear, or let anyone else hear for that matter, let alone Harry.
I heard the door click open quietly, cursing myself internally for not locking it. I heard him cross the room, making his way over to the curtain, it swaying in the air as he passed it. I wasn't able to stop crying, the tears never dying, carving rivers into my cheeks and streaming freely. I was unable to move, my feet rooted to the cold ceramic of the tub, the water continuing to rush over me, wrapping me in a warm cocoon that could not remove the coldness that I felt rushing in my veins. I buried my face into the cascading water, willing for the tears to merge into one with the oncoming water, potentially masking my grief, hiding it from the one I loved.
I felt the cold air rush into the confined space as Harry brought back the curtain, stepping in silently, not uttering a word. My heart stopped beating abruptly, the intake of air impossible as a lump lodged itself in my throat. Every single hair stood on end, and even though I was standing beneath hot water, I felt goose bumps erupt on every inch of my skin. I stared intently at the tile in front of me, not wanting to turn to Harry to reveal my broken self.
He touched my shoulder ever so gently, apprehensive at my response. His fingers brushed slowly across the skin and up to my neck and to my face, brushing across my lips with his fingertips. Even though the water was able to mask my tears, it was unable to hide the aggressive rise and fall of my shoulders; the sobs that wracked my chest. My head dropped at his touch, my knees weak and buckling underneath me, unable to remain strong and hold the weight of my body any longer.
I turn quickly to him and bury my face into his chest, the tears continuing to fall, now collapsing onto his skin. I look down immediately, not wanting him to see my face, but finding myself in need to be in his arms again, to hold me up, to wrap around me and make me feel at peace if only for a moment. My head rests heavily against his chest, the slow rise and fall soothing as he inhales slow deep breaths. His hands wrap tightly around my back, pulling me into him and caressing up and down softly to try and calm me. But it's no use. How can someone I love so much cause me so much pain? It's because the things that mean the most to you are the ones that can rip you up, tear everything apart and then sew it all back together with the slightest of ease.
I felt his arms pull away from me only slightly, bringing one hand up to my face and cupping it gently as he pulled it up to face him. I wasn't ready to look at him, scared that when our eyes met I would lose whatever small trace of control I had left and would melt into a puddle that would just come together with the pooling water and drain away. My face was up to his, but my eyes remained down, the tears still falling continuously. He lowered his face and collided his lips against mine, my breath escaping me, a loud sigh leaving my lips as I fell into him.
The touch of our lips joined is overwhelming, yet a sensation that I never want to end. I shut my eyes so tightly, willing for the tears to finally stop falling, to just take solace in the joy that I am to be experiencing at this moment. They finally cease, running dry, my face still wet from the rivers I had cried. I melt into the kiss, responding to his lips moving on mine, shivers shooting through me as his tongue brushes my lower lip. I pull away from him, prying my eyes open and looking up at him for the first time since my breakdown.
His thumb gently strokes the moist skin of my cheek, still cradling my face in his hands, gently, cautiously as if I'm about to break from the slightest of movements; which is not far from the truth. I relish in the fact that Harry somehow always knows how to make me feel protected and safe, it was as if he is able to read my thoughts and just respond to them in a fashion that is absolutely perfect. It made me uneasy that anyone could know me that well, and it scared the hell out of me to be that vulnerable to another human being that wasn't my mother.
I stare up into him, just standing there under the cascading water in each other's embrace, his hands still firmly clasping my face. I nuzzle into his touch, wanting to always feel this way. He walks me back a little, his body now reaching the hot water and being drenched under the cascade. I can't help but steal glances of the droplets as they roll down the skin of his chest, suddenly feeling the heat that has filled the little space of the shower, finding it hard to resist the urge to run my hands up and down his chest. I don't resist, my hands flying to his skin and caressing it softly, hearing a low moan escape his lips.
"I'm sorry," he mumbles into the skin of my neck.
I pull away from him and brace myself against his shoulders, my hands clasping tightly.
"What are you apologising for now?" I ask, slightly out of breath.
"You were crying," he said softly, bringing his hand up again gently to my cheek to stroke it reassuringly once more.
"Oh, I'm just being a stupid girl Harry," I said, looking down, trying to brush off my complete and utter breakdown as simple emotions; stupid girl emotions.
"It's not stupid," he said firmly, kissing my cheek so gently.
"It is, I'm sorry," I say softly.
"No, it's not."
"It is, I shouldn't be crying," I said, planting soft kisses on his chest, my hands running up and down his back delicately, my nails grazing his skin intermittingly.
"Oh God, you drive me crazy," he growled into my ear, taking it in between his teeth as he spoke.
All the hairs on my neck stood on end at that moment, a giant shock of heat rippling through my spine and down to my toes. My hands quickly wrapped around his waist pulling him into me. There was that sudden urgency yet again, devouring us both as we began to kiss frantically, lips moving, tongues brushing, and hands wandering. He pushed me up against the wall of the shower, the cold tile erupting the same goose bumps along my skin, my lip quivering from the lack of contact to the warm water rushing down. The skin that was pressed against Harry's was burning, searing with heat as he pushed up against me, his hands trailing slowly down my arm and to my waist.
He braced himself against the wall, his arm by my ear while the other gently cradled my cheek as we continued to kiss passionately. It was amazing the feeling I felt with him attached to me, I could never describe it; the only word that came to mind was pure ecstasy. He pulled away from me slowly, breathlessly but his face remained close to mine, our noses still brushing against one another's. I slowly opened my eyes to be met by his blue ones, feeling the all too familiar hitch in my throat as my breath was taken away from me once again. Even though my senses were buzzing with heat, my body was shivering from the cool air as the water beaded up on my skin. In the moment of passion, I had been pulled out of the cascading water and pushed up against the cold tile all to be ravished by Harry. Normally I wouldn't complain, but standing naked and wet, I had begun to shiver.
"Your lip is quivering," Harry said in between soft kisses to my face, his finger rubbing over the uncontrollable movement of my bottom lip.
"It's a little cold not underneath the water," I said sarcastically.
"Shit, sorry," he said, wrapping his arm around me and pulling me back underneath the water.
We stayed close to one another, some patch of skin always in contact with each other, unable to be part now since we knew that we would be torn from our grasps tomorrow. His lips frantically met mine, the taste and hunger consuming once more. His hands wandered over my body, brushing and stroking, sending trembles through my veins, spine and skin. The scene would be a memorable one, one that no one could easily forget. Even in my dying days, I would remember the feelings I experienced at that moment; the sheer love that I thought was incapable of existing that coursed through my veins would remain brunt into my mind forever. It was everything you hoped it could be; romantic, sweet, lust-filled, and hot. He was everything I could ever have hoped for.
Lying in the bed entangled under the sheets, we just remained locked in each other's arms. I had cried all my tears; running dry, after the amount of water comparable to that of the Atlantic Ocean somehow cascaded from my eyes. An eerie still had set over me, comparable to that of a calm before a storm. The storm was coming tomorrow, it was known, but now all I could do was wait for it and embrace what was in front of me.
"I'm sorry," Harry whispered, brushing my cheek lovingly once again.
"Will you stop apologizing," I said a little sternly, "you have noting to apologize for, honestly."
"I'm sorry that I made you cry, I hate myself for it," he said again, looking me straight in the eyes, continuing to gently stroke my face, tiny waves of tingles running through my body intermittingly.
"I was just being a stupid girl, over-reacting, that's all," I said dismissively, trying to downplay the immense heartache that had caused the tears to break from my eyes.
"Don't do that," he said trailing off, his eyes lowering in pain.
"What?"
"That." He said abruptly, raising his voice. "Don't just dismiss it, don't push me away and retreat into your shell. You cried, you sobbed; I heard you."
"Oh," I said, looking down, suddenly feeling the same tingling sensation behind my eyes.
"Look at me," he said, pulling my gaze to his. "I hate the fact that I am the one to make you cry, but at the same time I feel slightly reprieved. I have never seen you shed a tear for me before. The countless times I have left previously, you stood there stone-faced staring back at me as my heart broke with every step I took away from you. But seeing you tonight, the way your heart broke in front of me, I have never felt so much pain yet relief at the same time. You confirmed everything that I was feeling and I love you more than I can say. I know that I am not alone in this and that I have never loved anyone more than I do you right now. You are it for me, you are my one and only," he finished, as fresh tears soaked the pillow beneath my head.
I couldn't say anything; I just leaned forward and kissed him gently, my lips meeting his ever so softly. I pulled away from him and just shifted further into his chest, wanting to be as close to him as possible.
"I love you so much Harry," I mumbled into his chest, his arms tightening as I said those words. "The lack of tears wasn't because I didn't love you; I didn't cry because I didn't want to hurt you. It was self-preservation; I was in denial just how hard I had really fallen for you."
"I never want to leave," he said flatly.
"I know".
And with that, all was said once again. We were stuck in the same proverbial spot between the rock and the hard place; each of us on opposite sides of the Atlantic longing to be closer. We remained silent for the rest of the night, however neither of us slept. The occasional tear would roll down my cheek, and Harry would be there to wipe it away and kiss the very spot where it once was. With our arms wrapped tightly around each other, bodies entangled and nestled into one another, we waited for the sunrise. We waited for the inappropriate sun to shine and bring alone with it the inevitable heartache that we both dreaded. We waited for the end.