Possibility & Hysteria
"So tell me when you hear my heart stop,
You're the only one that knows.
Tell me when you hear my silence,
There's a possibility I wouldn't know.f
So tell me when my sorrow's over,
You're the reason why I'm closed.
Tell me when you hear me falling,
There's a possibility it wouldn't show."
Possibility by Lykke Li
Breathe.
Breathe.
Breathe.
Nessie had to keep reminding herself to do the simplest of human functions. Those breaths were taken in between the sharp pains in her gut. The alternating bouts of pain had her double over in the parking lot. She looked idiotic squatting by her car, but there wasn't much she could do about it. She felt her lungs contracting painfully every time she tried to inhale. She wondered to herself if breathing would forever be this difficult.
Somehow managing to get off the graveled pavement, she found her way into her car. The keys fired up the ignition and she took one last look at the motel door from where she just left.
Breathe.
She held in her tears, which went against every instinct her body was telling her to do. All she really wanted was to get back into bed and curl up next to Jacob and never leave the hotel. She had to push that thought aside and put her mind on other things, like making it home without losing it. The dawn broke above the horizon and she took note of its brilliance. It was ironic because she drove towards the sunrise, but her own sun was behind her still sleeping...alone.
Breathe.
Nessie had no clue how she made it home; her mind could think of nothing else than the man that she loved waking up without her. Her hands trembled at the thought. She felt a tightness in her chest when she realized that from this moment on, he would hate her. She had no idea how she could hold herself together having that knowledge, but Nessie needed him to have a chance at his dream. If that meant for him hating her for the rest of his life, then so be it.
She spotted the black Lincoln Town car and one of their employees loading the suitcases in the trunk as she turned into the drive. Pulling into her spot in the garage, she grabbed her purse and his shirt. She brought the material up to her face and inhaled deeply. It still smelled like him, musky and masculine. She kept it close to her face and felt the wetness trickle down her cheeks. No matter how hard she tried, she wouldn't be able to refrain from crying.
Breathe
Tap, tap, tap. Nessie's private moment was interrupted by a noise on her window. She wiped her cheeks and turned to see who was witnessing the beginning of her breakdown. She could feel her body crumbling into a dark abyss and couldn't care less about it. Right now, nothing mattered. A bit of nausea swept over her when she saw her father standing outside her car, motioning for her to get out.
"Nessie, it's time to get a move on," he spoke, watching her slowly get out. "You have ten minutes to change and get ready for the airport...You look like hell, by the way."
"You should see me on the inside. It makes the outside look good." She didn't look at his eyes when she spoke and kept walking away from him. She had no idea how she would tolerate this trip when she couldn't stand to be in the same vicinity with him.
"Please stop, Nessie," he called out to her. She did as she was told but didn't turn around. The way she felt was a bitter irony. The pain hurt so badly that she no longer felt anything. Everything she cared about had been left with Jacob, and there wasn't a trace of love left for her father. "I need you to look at me, young lady." She reluctantly turned to her father but shifted her eyes to the ground.
"I need your phone," he requested. "I don't need you to be, um, distracted, by it."
Deep down Nessie knew that he would cut off all of her communication with Jacob. Confiscating her phone became another step in that process. Putting almost a thousand miles between the two of them worked in favor of her father, as well.
It would only be a matter of time before she would be back in the Edward Cullen routine of life, and there was nothing she could do about it. Her father had the perfect blackmail—Jacob. Nessie reached into her purse and clutched the phone between her fingers. She looked at the screen one last time before she handed it over to her father.
No texts or calls from him. Jacob still slept.
For some reason she liked the thought of Jacob not waking up yet. It calmed her knowing that at this moment, he didn't hate her. She knew it wouldn't be long before he would feel that way, though. Nessie reasoned her trip to California would be good timing because she would be absent and unreachable, if he decided to find her and talk her out of her decision.
Breathe.
She inhaled the deepest breath she could, which still didn't fill her lungs. A series of coughs came from her hurting body. Nessie didn't know if the way she felt right now would ever go away. The gaping hole in her chest felt bare and exposed, and her heart beat too rapidly, like it would leap right out of her body. She felt like she had just ran a marathon; just walking a short distance became difficult. She surely didn't feel like collegiate, long-distance runner right now. Her body felt too heavy to move. The constant feeling of nausea probably wouldn't go away either.
"Thank you," Edward said when she placed the phone in his cold hand.
Fuck off! her mind screamed, but she didn't have it in her to say it out loud. What good would it do?
"Remember, the car leaves in ten minutes," he reminded her again.
"I thought we weren't flying out until noon?" she questioned, knowing she wrote the time down correctly in her schedule. Why would it have changed?
"I rescheduled our flight after our little talk yesterday. We now leave three hours earlier. I figured it would be...best..under the circumstances."
"Of, course. Why would I think you would do anything differently? Your plan. Your schedule. I just obey." She spoke dryly and without sarcasm. Her humor had left her. Hell, everything that used to make up Renesmee Cullen was gone, leaving no trace behind.
~o~O~o~
A bright stream of light slipped in through a small gap in the old-fashioned curtains and struck him right in the eyes. He was coming out of the deepest sleep he'd had in weeks. Sleep after sex was always the best. Before Jacob came out of his slumber, he remembered the night he shared with Nessie. A picture of her naked body, wet with the water rolling down her curves, flashed in his mind. He usually woke up hard, but this morning he knew that she could probably help with that "problem." He rolled over, reaching for her. His body ached, knowing it wouldn't be long until he was inside her, feeling her clenching all around him.
Jacob's eyes stayed closed as his arm went to her side of the bed. It startled him to feel nothing there. He opened his eyes and rubbed them, hoping to wipe away the grogginess. He scanned the room, trying to focus his early-morning, blurry vision.
Silence. He heard nothing—no movement of any kind.
"Ness, baby. You up already?" he called out, thinking she might be in the bathroom. No answer came.
He swept his hand upwards to stretch his muscles and just happened to feel something on her pillow. He wished he were feeling her instead of whatever this flat object was. Jacob sat up to see what he held. His eyes squished together, trying to focus and trying to ignore the feeling of his heart sinking.
He sat on the edge of the bed in the hotel room and held the envelope he found on her pillow in his hand. He ran his thumb across the Jacob written in her handwriting, and he became sick to his stomach. Last night had been the best night of his life-one he would never forget. That reason alone kept him from opening the letter. Jacob closed his eyes and still could feel her touch on his skin. His body began to ache, and he stared at the envelope scared of what he might read. He knew as soon as he read its contents, it would begin his descent into a living hell.
Had she just not made love to him literally all night long? He remembered waking up at one point during the night seeing her sitting next to his body. Her legs wrapped underneath her, and the sheet draped around her body, leaving her breasts exposed. Jacob didn't know how long her hands had been lazily moving across his body, but he knew he wouldn't want to wake up any other way. He recalled watching her without her knowing he was awake. Jacob couldn't shake the thought of how she studied him intently as if her hands were memorizing his form.
Did he not move to her, taking her in his arms and then crashing his lips to hers in the process? When he thought back,he couldn't decipher if it were a moan or a cry he had heard coming from her? He couldn't be sure because the only thing on his mind was moving her onto his lap. Jacob remembered her legs wrapping around his body as he sat on his knees. He lowered Nessie's body down to the bed, holding her waist in his hands and then pressing the small of her back upwards. He entered her, hitching her thighs higher around his waist and then watched as her back arched when he knew he had filled her completely.
Did they not make love slowly and softly, taking their time? Was it not too long ago that he would torture himself making sure her release came on her own time? He thought back and noted how neither one took their eyes off the other the entire time. The position he had her in allowed him to watch and be absorbed by her, which had always been his biggest turn on. He loved the way she looked when she bit her lower lip as he moved in and out of her gently and methodically. He recalled her round breasts moving up and down with her labored breathing. How beautiful her red hair looked strewn about her body, messy and glorious.
How could a night filled with such passion turn into a morning with him holding a letter that determined the fate of his heart? He really didn't want to open it. Denial would be a good place to live. He could always remember his last night with her and forget about this morning.
He knew he wouldn't get over what laid inside that letter. Since the first time he kissed her in the infirmary, she became everything that was important in his life. Every song was about her. Working and making a living was for her. Every day happened because of her. Every star in the sky was her eyes. Every dream included her. All the hardships he endured was for her. Living and breathing was only for her.
And he held the letter that came from her. He knew she was gone, and his happiness had gone with her.
He swallowed hard and gathered the courage he didn't know he had in this moment. His forefinger found the seam of the sealed envelope, and he ripped it open. He pulled out the lone piece of motel stationary, unfolded it, and cleared his throat. Dammit! he thought to himself when he felt the first tear run down his cheek. Jacob hadn't really cried since his mom's death.
Then he wiped away another tear and began to read her words.
Jacob,
I can only imagine how you must feel right now waking up this morning without me beside you. How I would give everything I have to be there with you still, holding me. There is no other place I would rather be. That being said, I become nauseated thinking about what I am doing. My hands are shaking uncontrollably, Jacob. I can't believe what I have to do. Since the day I met you, you have affected my life in a way that has forever changed it. I am a better person because of you, even though I don't feel like a good person for having to write this letter.
I know you will hate me after you read these words, and I will understand if you do. What I am doing is unforgivable and should never be forgiven. I just hope that one day the thought of me will not cause you pain. I hope that when I think about us and our love, I will soon feel joy and happiness for having the opportunity to have someone like you love me. Right now it hurts too much. I have never deserved you.
Please know that I love you and always will. No one else will touch me mentally, physically, or spiritually the way you have. I can see no one else taking your place in my life, but knowing that fact about me should not keep you from loving someone else.
I can't tell you why I am leaving or why we can't be together anymore. Just know that my hands are tied and not obeying will have dire consequences. This decision was not my choice, but it is the only choice I can make to keep you safe. I have to go unwillingly, and please don't contact me. It will only make it harder. Staying away from me is what you have to do, Jacob...for your sake.
I love you, always remember that.
He rested his head in his hands, not really believing what he had just read. Had he missed something? He sensed nothing wrong, other than the fight she had with her father. Did she not passionately make love to him many times over? Did she not do things with him that she had never done before? Why would she do such things when she knew she would leave? Why would she fuck him and go without saying goodbye?
What did he miss?
He remembered she had written that it wasn't her choice. Wasn't her choice...
Edward.
Edward had to be behind her leaving. There was no other explanation. He knew Nessie loved him. Right? She had to love him; the thought of her not feeling that way about him about sent him to a deeper black hole.
The fight with her father, her appearance when she got here, the way she looked like she was in pain...The tears. How could he have been so blind? How could he just let himself take advantage of her when she obviously had been hurting? All he could think about when he was with her was, well, being with her. His other brain did the thinking.
Dammit! He wanted to kick himself, but instead he needed to get to her before she left the state.
Edward must have made some sort of ultimatum and forced her away. How could she even think the better choice would be to leave him? Her father held something over her head, but what it was he had no idea. Jacob needed to see her. She mentioned that she was doing this to keep him safe. Could he not protect himself? He was a big boy, but he had no idea what he was up against.
He needed to stop her. Shit! She was leaving today for California, and he couldn't let her board the plane without her at least listening to him, hearing what he had to say. He loved her and would fight her father in any way he could to be with her.
The letter crumpled in his hands as he tensed up thinking about her flying out without seeing her. It couldn't end this way. He threw on his clothes, except for his shirt. Where the hell is my shirt? he thought. He only looked for a moment because he needed to go and go now. He had slept late and didn't know when she had slipped out of the room. He could lose a damn t-shirt. Time was his enemy, and he didn't have any to waste.
He dialed Nessie's number as he put on his shoes and had hoped to talk to her. He got her voice mail instead.
Jacob ran to his bike and kick-started it in one fluid motion. He flew down the highway towards Forks as fast as he could. He had to catch her before she'd be gone.
~o~O~o~
Nessie slipped into her bathroom, avoiding the mirror because she knew her father was right. She did look like hell. She turned on the water and waited. She knew she needed a shower. There was a need to wash everything off her body, to somehow wash away the horrible feeling she felt inside. A cleansing was what she wanted and what she needed.
She lifted her clothes over her head and let them fall to the floor. Undressing seemed monotonous, and doing it took away energy she didn't have. She opened the door to the shower and put one foot in and froze. Her hand felt a pull like a magnet as it traveled to her cheek. His hand had been there; she could still feel it. As she closed her eyes remembering his touch, her hand then drifted to her neck, across her collar bone, to the tops of her breasts.
Her body jerked to a stop, keeping her from getting underneath the gentle spray of the water. Her legs gave way under her, and she found herself sliding down the granite tiles to the floor. She couldn't get in the shower. She couldn't wash away the essence of his touch. That's all she had left of him—the lingering feeling of his fingers, his lips, his body. Her head rested on her knees, and Nessie pulled her legs to her chest. He had consumed her that night, all over; there wasn't a place unaffected by him.
She began remembering how she made sure she explored every part of him, leaving nothing untouched, as well. It was as if she were claiming him. No matter who came after her, he would hopefully remember how she loved him with a reckless abandon that night. Kissing him all over became her mission, and she did just that. A twinge of pain surfaced when she remembered his perfect face when she took him in her mouth for the first time. His reaction was priceless. Jacob's countenance started with a look of utter disbelief and transformed into a beaming smile. Then she recalled his eyes darkening as she continued to pleasure him.
Nessie knew she had messed up by using Jacob last night. She loved him more than life itself, but she reasoned she needed to be with him one last night. Hurting him would be her cross to bear for the rest of her life.
Nessie would have given herself over to her grief had it not been for her father's rap at the door. She had to leave today. Her mind retreated into itself, trying to keep Jacob out of her thoughts. It worked...barely. His smile was always in the periphery of her mind, haunting her.
~o~O~o~
"I want you now.
I want you now.
I feel my heart implode,
and I'm breaking out,
escaping now,
feeling my faith erode."
~Hysteria by Muse
Jacob could feel the wind whipping through his t-shirt as he flew down the highway towards Forks. He didn't know how much time he had left, if any. He had no idea how fast he pushed his bike, but he knew his motorcycle hadn't sped like this before. He didn't know if she had left yet, but he had to do everything he could to get to her.
The adrenaline flowed freely through his body, causing him to lose track of time and place. The trees whipped by him on the scenic highway he had traveled many times. He had no time to worry about his reckless driving as he whipped in and out of traffic. Too entranced by his thoughts of Nessie leaving him kept him from hearing the siren behind him. He continued on his way, not knowing there was a sheriff's car closing in.
By the time he realized the loud noise of the siren was for him, he had traveled a few more miles.
"Fuck," he mumbled under his breath. Jacob thought about racing on without stopping, making the cop chase him through the town. At least he would get to her house to see if she were still there. Stopping only postponed his mission. How could this day get any worse? he thought to himself. He had no idea it would only do just that.
Jacob pulled over and balanced his bike by putting his legs down; he ran his hands through his hair in frustration. It took forever for the cop to even get out of the car, which angered Jacob even more. He just needed his ticket, so he could get the hell back on the road.
The slowness of the small-town cop annoyed Jacob, and he knew that he wouldn't be making friends with him today. The deputy finally sauntered over to Jacob after what seemed like forever.
"Do you know how fast you were going, son?" the man asked.
"No. I don't..." Jacob scanned the badge of the young guy in front of him and found his name. "...Deputy Mark. And I am not your son."
He could tell his remark didn't set well with the deputy, but he couldn't help the way he felt. He was calm considering the fact that he wanted to beat the shit out of the man who kept him from getting to Nessie.
"Well, you were going over one hundred miles per hour in a 65 mile per hour zone...son," the deputy said, repeating the word son to make a point. "You know I could haul you to jail for that kind of disregard for the speed limit and for the reckless driving I witnessed. I thought you weren't going to pull over. I didn't want to have to go on a high-speed chase today." The arrogant tone in the officer's voice made Jacob fume.
"Can I just get my ticket and go? I need to get the hell out of here...now!" He raised his voice to Deputy Mark, who apparently did not like Jacob's attitude.
"I don't know if you need to be yelling at me, young man. You are in no position to be disrespectful." The officer pulled out his pen and paper. "License and registration, please."
Jacob found his wallet in his backpack and looked inside to find the documents that Officer Barney Fife needed. It was then he stared a little too long at something he kept in there—something that made him curse in front of the man ready to haul him to jail.
"Fuck," Jacob uttered. How could he have been so ignorant and stupid? He had brought enough. Hell, he brought more than enough for the night.
He stared at the unused condoms in his wallet.
"Fuck," he said again.
"Young man, either you have your license and registration or you don't. I need you to watch your language, too. I don't tolerate that kind of talk in my presence," the deputy chastised.
Jacob found what he needed and handed the documents to the law-abiding tight-ass next to him. He tried to forget about the condoms and tried to deal with the matter at hand. If anything happened to Nessie, he would be there for her. He would never leave her if she were to get pregnant. Shit! he cursed again. He would never leave her, but she evidently had no qualms about leaving him. His body ached for her. It was almost an overdose of pain, and he was on the verge of losing it. He was about ready to jump out of his skin, sitting here doing nothing but getting lectured by Deputy Mark.
"I am not having the best day, so if I want to say fuck I am sure as hell going to say it, sir," he said defiantly.
The officer stared at the documents for a moment and looked at Jacob over the insurance paper he was studying more closely than needed.
"I am going to ask you again to watch your language. I don't understand you kids these days with your fast motorcycles, loud music, and potty mouths. Why, when I was younger, my father would string me up by my toes if I talked to anyone of authority that way." Deputy Mark stepped closer to Jacob as he spoke, making sure his words were enunciated to the point of mockery.
"Let's not get into this right now. I need to go and the sooner you write me the damn ticket, the sooner I can get myself the fuck out of here." Jacob was now just egging the officer on with his cursing, which wasn't the brightest idea. He knew the small-town cops didn't have much to do, so dealing with punks like him became the highlight of their day. Hauling Jacob to jail would probably give their slow day a much needed boost.
"I was going to let you go with a ticket, but you're making it extremely difficult, son."
"I told you before, I am not your son, you slower than fuck ass hole! Could you just get a move on, and we can both go on with our lives? I am already late..." He had no clue where Nessie could be. Time was running out.
"all right, I've had enough of your bullshit," Deputy Mark said.
"I can't cuss, but you can? Very fitting, officer." Jacob saw the uniformed man pinch the bridge of his nose and inhale deeply at the same time. He then took Jacob by the arm.
"I've had enough of you and your disregard for the badge. You're coming with me," the man said tugging on his arm. Jacob flashed a look of anger in his eyes, and the officer released his grip of Jacob before his arm was flung off.
"Don't touch me, officer," Jacob said through clenched teeth.
"I need you to dismount and come with me..." he looked at the driver's license. "...Jacob Black. I don't recommend you adding resisting arrest to your list of charges this morning, but I will if I have to," Deputy Mark threatened.
Jacob began to realize that his attitude was getting him into a lot of trouble he didn't need right now. He didn't have time to get arrested. He had never broken a law before in his life, much less talked to a cop this way.
"Look, sir, I am sorry. Like I said, I'm having a bad day, and my emotions are getting the best of me. I'll gladly take the ticket, and you won't have to deal with me anymore."
"You little shit. You can't talk to me that way and then think a simple apology is going to get you out of getting arrested. I suggest you dismount and put your hands behind your back," the man said angrily.
"Look, Deputy Mark, please don't do this. I'm sorry. I do whatever you need me to do. You have no idea what I'm going through right now. I just need to-," he was cut off before he could explain.
"I don't care if your momma is on her death bed. You're coming with me...Now!"
The coldness of the cop bothered Jacob, but what could he do? His hands were tied, literally. Jacob got off his bike and turned away from the officer, placing his hands behind his back. He couldn't believe he let his temper get the best of him.
"You have the right to remain silent..." were the last words he heard before his mind drifted to Nessie.
~o~O~o~
She held her boarding pass while she stared out the window of the airport, getting lost in the noise of the people bustling around her. Her father was busy on the phone trying to make sure the hospital wouldn't crumble around him without his presence. Through a long discussion she had to endure on the way here, she found out her father had arranged for Nessie to finish out her semester without being penalized. He set up everything on-line for her, even her final exams would be done over the internet.
It even amazed her to learn that her sorority had made her a full-fledged member without her doing anything lately. So many girls tried their hardest to get into that sorority and were turned away. Nessie could screw up time and time again and still get a membership that others would kill for. She knew she wouldn't be making any friends in the sorority by getting special treatment, but she knew the Cullen money knew no bounds. She was sure the Delta Delta house would soon have some sort of new addition or swimming pool added courtesy of her father.
A phone being thrust in her face pulled her out of her thoughts. She jumped, scared at the sudden movement.
"It's for you," her father said coldly, and he handed her his cell phone.
A little shocked that he would allow her on the phone, she took the call reluctantly.
"Hey, String Bean." The gentle voice greeted her on the other end. She immediately felt the urge to have her Uncle Jasper close by. His voice somehow soothed her even though his arms couldn't.
"Hey, Jaz," she said as she felt she was on the verge of tears.
"I just wanted to say good-bye before you left. I'm coming to join you for a few days in a week or so. I figured you might need me there when you have to deal with your mom." Nessie squeezed her eyes together. Her mother was the least of her worries right now.
"Yeah, I think I am going to need you quite a lot. I, uh,..." She wanted to tell him everything and have him figure out how to deal with her father, but fear kept her from doing so. Plus the man she had grown to hate stood within ear-shot.
"Flight 1189 to Reno is now boarding first-class passengers. First-class for flight 1189 is now boarding."
Edward hovered close by and took the phone away from Nessie.
"Jasper, it's time for us to go. We'll see you soon," he said as he flipped his phone shut, and he motioned for Nessie to follow him. And she did as she was told.
~o~O~o~
"Hey, kid." The scruffy voice called out from the other side of the bars. Jacob sat unmoving in the lonely cell. He had been here by himself watching the hours pass; he knew there was no way he would get to her now.
Jacob looked up to see Charlie standing on the freedom side of the jail cell. Charlie's look was severe as he waited for the officer to let Jacob out. Jacob was glad Charlie took his only phone call.
"What the hell happened, Jake?"
"Chief...I...I...don't know. I don't even know where to begin," he answered holding his head in his hands, staring at the gray floor of the holding cell.
"Come on. Let's get you out of here," Charlie said.
"Did you tell my dad?" Jacob asked.
"No, I didn't, but I did talk to Mark. Let's just say he's scared for his job right now," Charlie smirked.
"Thanks, Chief."
"Let's go, and you can tell me what got you into this mess...Would it have anything to do with my granddaughter?" Charlie asked, knowingly.
"Yeah, it has everything to do with her."
"What can I do to help?" Jacob could see Charlie's sympathetic eyes looking at him.
"You've helped more than you know already, but I'm afraid there's nothing you can do with...Ness," Jacob said, struggling to say her name.
"How's that?" Charlie asked. Jacob jumped at the sound of the jail cell door closing behind him thankful to be out of it.
"I'm pretty sure she's already gone."