T Minus 7 Days
The morning saw an explosion of activity. Various Jumbo Trons blared to life in the Banquet Hall of the Smash Mansion. Caterers arrived in droves with varieties of cakes and ice-cream and sandwiches and sliders. A special parking lot was designated for news vans. The backyard was crowded with bands rehearsing and performing sound checks. There were DJs unpacking and plugging in their equipment and police officers on patrol.
The Smash Mansion was preparing to welcome Master Hand home.
The Smashers behind Project Nerf were anticipated, excited and optimistic. There was no doubt that Sakurai had talked the Hand of Creation into putting those combos into the ground. They were the first ones awake, showering, dressing their best and helping themselves to a breakfast buffet before heading outside and playing the various minigames set up. From shooting hoops and playing one-on-one at the basketball court to dunking a volunteer dressed as Tingle the Elf into a tank of water to ring toss and darts to Twister, there were many ways of passing the time. In between games, they danced to the music or chattered among themselves, patiently waiting for the final proof.
When Theo and Vanessa arrived with their brood, their kids almost instantly filled up on donut holes and turned into human energy canisters, bouncing from one game to another. Crazy Hand had his volunteers set up bounce houses and obstacle courses to keep the kids occupied, along with spa and massage booths for the adults. For her help, Vanessa was rewarded with a free mani-pedi and a discounted facial.
Later that morning, the rest of the Smashers arrived on the scene, noshing on breakfast foods and carrying on conversations while listening to and sometimes jamming with the live bands, checking out the booths or searching for engaging games to play. Streets leading to the Smash Mansion were closed to traffic as crowds of people streamed in to witness MH's triumphant return.
Mario honestly didn't see what the excitement was about. In his opinion, the Hand of Creation had capitulated to these salty bullies and decided to have his brother's playstyle "fixed". And by "fixed" he meant "nerfed". He didn't know how and he didn't know when, but he knew that Luigi's combo game was doomed. Why else did he go to Sakurai and conduct those interviews? That was just for routine purposes. The ax was poised over Luigi's down throw from the word "go". Fueled by a few glasses of mimosa and a pile of French toast, the man in red decided to give the scoop-hungry reporters the God's honest truth.
"This tournament never asked for an update patch," he said, crisply and calmly, into the mike. "This tournament never wanted an update patch. I certainly haven't found anything out of place here. And the result of Master Hand's 'actions', so-called, is a huge f—ing waste of time and money. There are unscrupulous characters who despised a certain element of someone's fighting style, so they made Master Hand into a weapon and pointed it at him. And that gullible glove fell for it."
"Do you think this is a personal vendetta?" they asked him.
"I most certainly do."
"Against whom?"
"My little brother, Luigi."
They obtained a radically different view on things when they got a Project Nerf supporter in their sights.
"This is weeks, even months, of dedication, planning, teamwork and lobbying coming to fruition," he said. "MH wouldn't listen to us, so we made him listen, and finally, he delivered. What we've dealt with is a high-and-mighty plumber who thinks his stupid down throw can glide him to the top, and we've all suffered for it!"
"Do you think Luigi's going to be nerfed, as the rumors say?"
"I can feel it on the hairs along the back of my neck! Weegee had better be ready, because he's in for a rude awakening! He's hogged the victor's spoils and denied his fellow competitors their share for too long! Well, guess what! We're not gonna take this!" He raised a fist in the air. "Enough is enough! I have had it with that m—f—ing plumber and his m—f—ing combos! Stand back, folks! MH is coming, and he's about to bring the f—ing hammer down!"
Luigi offered his opinion in an even, steely tone of voice. "I have better things to do with my time than sit around and listen to everyone's b.s. about how I'm overpowered, how I'm Player Two and a loser and how I steal victories from people. First, my best friend yells at me, and now this. I could be wrong—this update patch could leave my down throw untouched and address more important concerns, but there were no patch negotiations before this outcry started, and afterwards, the suits are drafting an update with Master Hand's approval. Coincidence? I think not."
It was just after eleven in the morning when the beating of a drum line sounded faintly in the distance. Everything else was all but forgotten as Smashers and ordinary citizens jammed the curbs and craned their necks to get their first look. There, far down the street, was an approaching mass of red and gold.
The mass soon materialized into a group of people, the drumbeats growing louder and being joined by horns and woodwinds and cymbals. Excitement sprung up as this group of people materialized as a marching band, the marchers at the front carrying a banner between them. Preceding them was a fleet of police officers on motorcycles, lights on and sirens blaring. Quiet applause became full-blown cheering as the band arrived at the parkway of the Smash Mansion, heralding Master Hand's triumphant return.
The Hand himself was in the center of the band, comfortably reclining on a liter carried by four well-muscled, shirtless men. He waved at the throngs of people, expertly catching the bouquets and goodies tossed to him. It was as if he accomplished something big—and perhaps he did. Further down, he noticed his Smashers lined up in neat rows to greet him, and upon closer inspection, the Mario Bros didn't look especially happy to see him.
After Master Hand came a pep squad, cartwheeling and tumbling and swishing pom-poms, followed by flag-twirlers, acrobats, clowns, people riding unicycles and a parade float made to look like the Smash symbol. Standing on that float were the suits at Nintendo and their families, tossing candy and necklaces to the crowd.
Master Hand arrived at a podium which had been set up for him. He dismounted from the liter and made his way over, shaking hands with the Smashers as he went. When he reached Mario, he asked, "Why the long face?"
"I don't know," Mario coolly replied. "I guess two days with Crazy Hand at the helm finally got to me."
"Wow. I missed you too, Mario."
"I'm glad you fixed what needed to be fixed," added the man in red. MH heard the edge in his voice. It should've cut like a razor.
It didn't. Instead, MH turned his attention to Luigi, who also looked a bit miffed. "What happened? Was my brother mean to you?"
"No, but a lot of others were," Luigi responded. "I guess Crazy Hand tends to loosen the restraints and isn't as exasperated at dissenters as you." He tossed his head. "But I'm used to it."
Luigi was right. During those two days, the norm seemed to be "whale the living snot out of the man in green as much as you want, as long as you wanted". CH was very lax regarding rules of conduct and didn't discipline as harshly as his twin. Seeing that he preferred chaos over order, this shouldn't have come as a surprise.
MH surely wasn't. The summary Luigi had given him regarding the past two days sounded like vintage Crazy Hand to him.
"Well, I guess they can stop their complaining now," Luigi flippantly went on. "They got what they wanted."
"Luigi—it wasn't what this was about at all."
"Oh? Then what was it about, Master Hand?"
"Fixing some problems. Leave it at that." Yet the glove could tell by Luigi's facial expression that he wasn't about to heed his advice.
MH floated to the podium and began to speak.
"People of the Smash World, I have returned, and I bring good tidings. As of now, Nintendo is working hard to fix the concerns my Smashers have brought to my attention. They tell me that the new update patch, which was approved two days ago, should go into effect by the end of this month. I want to thank each and every one of you for your honesty and your efforts to make this tournament a better place. I'd also like to thank my brother, Crazy Hand, for holding down the fort during my absence. A new era will soon begin for Super Smash Brothers, with brand new stages, music options, and of course, improved mechanics. I can hardly do this enough, a swift and unambiguous action on the substance of our 'fair and balanced' creed."
Applause. MH descended the platform and floated to the entrance of the Smash Mansion, where he was greeted by confetti and party horns.
"Surprise!" yelled Crazy Hand, glomping his twin. "Welcome home, brother!"
1.1.1
"Okay, folks," said Sakurai as he and his team assembled at the Bennigan estate that night. "We promised Master Hand that we'll get this done by the end of the month, and we're not going to break that promise. Not on my watch!"
"If all we have to do is get that down throw taken care of, then there's nothing to worry about," said Manny. "Do you have a draft ready?"
"We certainly do," smiled Sakurai as he passed around copies of his first draft for the patch notes. "What do you guys think?"
The conspirators read over the draft once—twice—three times—until they could recite it by heart.
"This is incredible," mused Chase.
"It's brilliant," Theo chimed in. "You went for a specific aspect of that down throw. It's fantastic."
"Amazing work!" added Falco. "You really know your work!"
"Of course. I developed this game," smirked Sakurai. "Now, one thing that bothers me. I've included new stages and music tracks, but the only fighter we've tweaked so far is Luigi. If we mess with him and leave everyone else be…"
"That won't be fair and balanced?" volunteered Vanessa.
"Yes, and it'll look suspicious. I don't want any evidence that I was with you guys from the beginning. I have to tweak other fighters, as well."
"Make everyone else stronger," said Rolf. "Problem-o solved."
"No, that'll make it look more suspicious," said Sakurai. "What I mean is—I have to nerf other people besides Luigi."
"Oh," said everyone.
"Well—if you wanna nerf my Tipper, go right ahead," said Marth. "I'm willing to make that sacrifice. Who else is with me?"
"Yeah—go ahead and pile on the nerfs if you have to," said Koopa. "A little nerf won't bother us. It'll be worth it, anyhow."
"He's right! I'll take a nerf over those f—ing combos any day of the week!" said Stevie. "How about you, Steve?"
"Yeah! A nerf is better in comparison!" Steve chimed in.
"I'll let you give me a thousand nerfs just to see the look on Luigi's face when he finds out he doesn't have his precious combos anymore!" Dark Pit led the charge.
"So—you're okay with…?" said Sakurai.
"Abso-f—ing-lutely!" cried the Smashers involved with the plot.
"We just want those combos gone!" said Falco.
"Duly noted." Sakurai scribbled something onto his notepad. "We'll bring our revisions before you all tomorrow night. Until then—au revoir!" He rose and strode out of the house as his team and bodyguards followed behind.
"Wow," said Vince after a stunned silence. "I never would've thought that."
"If you're that committed to something, then you gotta make sacrifices," shrugged Falco. "Like Koopa here said, it's gonna be worth it."
"Now, a word of caution to our Smasher friends," said Manny. "The changes Sakurai dreamed up won't take effect until the end of the month. That means you have a week more of combos to endure."
Groans.
"But—endure them well, for you will know that every hour which elapses is an hour closer to the new update patch, and we want Luigi to have his fun while he still can, yes?"
"Yeah," said Koopa.
"So, whenever you feel the urge to barge into MH's office and ask what's taking so long, remember that things like these take time." Manny smiled. "Your patience will be rewarded."
The Smashers among the conspirators sat on this thought for a moment. Seven more days. Seven more days of Luigi's combos decimating—or trying to decimate—every opponent in his matchup schedule. Seven more days of knuckling tight and waiting. Seven more days of trying to hide their plot from Master Hand and the Mario Bros. Could they do it?
Oh, yes, they could.
We're reaching home stretch!