A/N... NO, I DIDN'T ABANDON THIS STORY! Well this is all going to be on Edward lovely past; scratch that, not lovely, plain bad past, lol. I'm going to do Edward's pov again. Just to inform you beforehand because I won't be writing it later, Edward is 10 years old! Just want to add I am undeniably soooo sorry for the longest wait to update in the world, I've taken so long. I can explain, well my sister is presumably getting married and so everything is hectic and all chaotic. On top of that half of this chapter was in another laptop I typed on and then my brother the hero decided to borrow it to his friend so I couldn't carry on and he wasn't bothered to lift his butt up and claim it back. So I was stuck with my other laptop which didn't have my work and I didn't have the time to type it up again. Now the laptop I was stuck with kind of broke somehow and now I've got my other back. Also the fire in me to write had died down; I didn't feel like writing so I put it off for a bit. You know when you get the feeling that you just want a break? Then on top of all that my internet wasn't working for a while so that was a even bigger pain. Yeah I know it's not good enough but that's what happened. Sorry peeps. Longest A/N I've written lol. 0_0...
Disclaimer: Don't own anything, no copyright infringement intended
Chapter 25: Confessions.
Previously: Bella was sort of something in my life now,
I had inhaled her and now she was in my bloodstream, there was no way of her getting out, all around me she was there; I could even feel her flowing in me.
She was everywhere.
Maybe that was a good thing that finally I had to leak all the hidden secrets, maybe it was bad but what's the point in life if you don't take risks.
The biggest risk in life is never to take one.
I was going to take the plunge, it was a big risk, but I was willing to take it...
*Edward's Pov (In the past)*
Now I knew that my parents didn't love me, they hated me.
They were cruel.
They had grounded me for no reason. I wasn't my fault that some kid at school just threw a punch at me square in the nose.
When I tried to explain to them over and over again they wouldn't listen. They kept taking Andy's side, the one that I fought with, they kept telling me fighting wasn't the answer. It was called my own defences, I had to defend myself in some way and not just get beaten the crap out and just stand there smiling prompting him to carry on freely.
I was sat here now in my bedroom kicking the carpet with my boots. I was sat on the bed looking down absentmindedly. What was the point in having me grounded, I didn't do anything wrong, besides getting grounded wouldn't stop me from fighting back for my own safety. I mean they were being undeniably absurd! What did they expect from me?
The more and more I thought about what happened in school the more I felt irked with my own parents and aggravated giving me the adrenaline rush pumping to pummel Andy once more so he learnt his lesson. I kept clasping and unclasping my hands from the frustration that overwhelmed me.
Why did life have to be so unfair I thought sourly?
I was just about to go to bed with a foul mood when a brilliant idea popped up.
I quickly grabbed my big backpack and opened the zip widely.
I was going to go to Africa.
I opened my snack wardrobe and grabbed 5 cookies wrapped in transparent Clingfilm; I quickly stuffed them into the bag and retreated back to the wardrobe. I grabbed some soda drinks and a packet of Oreo's among the journey. I quickly grabbed my radio set and put them all in.
I grabbed my books; hey I was going to get bored. I got my shorts as it was going to be really hot. I got my sun cream and then reached for my diary in the nightstand. I was ready to go.
I had everything.
Oh, wait; I forgot the most important thing. I quickly went over to my bed side table and reached for my map buried in the drawer with all my study papers. Now I was ready
I zipped my bag up and slung it over my shoulder; wow it was heavy.
I got it off my shoulder struggling from the weight of it and dragged it down the floor making sure not to make too much noise or I'd be busted.
I quietly opened my door and dragged my bag down the stairs tiptoeing. When I reached the landing I could hear the T.V. blaring out of the speaking. I could see a glimpse of my parents; Elizabeth and Edward; they were both cuddled up on the sofa watching a sloppy romance movie. They didn't seem to notice me so I slowly went to walk to the hallway.
I could dimly hear mother saying she was going to prepare for dinner. I walked fast pace towards the door. Mom and dad were out of sight now, I breathed in a sigh of relief.
I opened the door and the cold chilly air rushed to me in big waves engulfing me into the icy breeze. I shook my head due to the shivers and grasped my bag even tighter to me.
I stepped out and realised that I was only wearing my jeans and a t-shirt, I had forgotten my sweater because the only thing I was thinking was about what I would need for Africa. Oh well now, I couldn't risk going back, I would be caught.
I quickly got out my map and buried my nose into it sliding down my finger down the map in search of Africa. I quickly started walking straight ahead. I would've taken a taxi but I wasn't sure they would serve me alone besides it wasn't that far it was just a couple of miles away.
I looked up and to my surprise I was now standing in Africa. I looked at my surroundings and scrunched up my nose in utter confusion. Eh, was Africa supposed to be cold and it looked an awfully lot like home. The sun was setting and it looked orangey yellowy creating a fairytale like effect. I turned around continuously trying to get an explanation for my surroundings but I came up empty.
I looked at the map and then to the streets the map then the streets again.
This is weird; it didn't look anything at all that I imagined.
"Well, well, well, what are you doing here roaming around at this ungodly hour?" I instantly became all rigid. I slowly turned around to find an elderly woman bearing down at me with her glasses that lay on the tip of her nose.
Mrs Cope I thought bitterly.
I looked over her and could see her house with the porch light switched on. So this wasn't Africa this was just a few roads across from my house I had just past a dual carriage way. Wow I walked a lot didn't I, I mocked myself.
I looked back at Mrs. Cope and sighed. Why did she have to be one of mothers friends? She would obviously turn me in to my parents, and then I would get grounded double, but the only major difference would be that they would barricade the doors so there was no way of escaping. They would probably let me live in my secluded bedroom for years, even take away all traces of music and media. They would probably even feed me through a flap hole giving me a piece of bread and a lump of cheese like that Scarface, Harry Potter.
"Ur...uh...I, was..." I scratched my head awkwardly searching for an excuse but I came up empty. I shifted from one foot to another, reluctantly looking back at her in those grey blank eyes.
"Well, what are you doing?" Her eyes bore into mine's waiting for an answer.
"Uh...I just had to get my science book back from a friend of mine." I lied hoping it would work.
"Nonsense I'm taking you back home." She said in a tight stern tone leaving no room for argument. I sighed heavily while she pulled out her phone. "I'm going to call them now so they can get you, as you can see I can't drive."
I nodded lamely and then waited for them to come on the sidewalk. Several minutes later a black sleek Audi R8 drove up to me. The window slid down revealing an angry Father and a worried Mother.
"What in the hell are you doing up here at this time of night?" My father asked in a rage. I looked up and father was in the passenger seat and mother was driving. I looked back down not meeting his gaze scared of what he'd do. I silently walked up to the other side and got in the back.
"Oh, honey, why did you run off like that? We were worried sick when we got that call, we thought you were hurt." Mother hysterically babbled even though she could see I was perfectly fine.
"Why would you care?" I snorted. They didn't care when they grounded me did they? All they cared about was Andy, the idiot! She reversed out and so we were on our way back to our damn forsaken house, (where I was grounded)
"Honey, listen, we only grounded you so you wouldn't do it again. It for your own good; now put your seatbelt on."
"Yeah, whatever," I ignored her about putting the seatbelt on a huffed facing the window.
"Edward, put your seatbelt on as your mother told you so."
"Why should I, you didn't listen when I told you the fight wasn't my fault." Father sighed angrily and ordered me to put it on, but I still didn't listen.
"Come on sweetheart just put it on, please?" She begged but I didn't listen.
"You're a lame excuse for a mother." I growled at her flaring my nose in disgust. "I HATE YOU!" I screeched at her, almost like venom was flowing through my mouth. I could taste this metallic taste in the far end of my mouth but I ignored it.
She looked slightly hurt but I couldn't care less at that moment.
We took another route home, I guess because there was a lot of traffic. We were crossing the motor way.
Father reached over from the passenger side and grabbed the seatbelt forcing it on me but I pushed him away.
Mom was still driving but that didn't stop her from looking in the mirror and looking back at me.
"Edward, put it on now." Father pleaded but I didn't care.
"Why should I?" I sulked stubbornly. I wanted to show something, I couldn't pinpoint what it was. Maybe it was that I was independent, and I wasn't controlled but I just didn't want to listen.
"Son, just put it please?" He tried to reason with me but I wasn't having any of it.
"Oh, sweetheart, please just put it on." I glanced up at mom but she was too busy looking in the side mirror to look at me, I glared at her through the mirror.
I shuffled further into my seat trying to get away from fathers attempt to force the belt on me.
We were probably nearing our house now but it was hard to tell due to the darkness outside. Dad pushed his whole form forward and grabbed the belt viciously and trying to buckle it. I stared into mothers' eyes, my own glinting in the moonlight. Her head was leaned over the leather seat worriedly making sure I was buckled up. I stared up in her eyes not breaking the connection. I mothered 'I hate you'; I glared at her, I loathed her at that moment, no matter what she did in the past, the good deeds she did were all forgotten at that moment, the only thought racing through my mind was how much I despised her.
A tear droplet trickled down her face resting on her chin then falling down ever so gently. I looked away instantly, not wanting to dig the knife any deeper then I already had.
Then everything happened so fast.
A car came from another direction hitting us so hard that the car moved a least one car length, maybe more. The back bumper was shoved under the other car so far that the rear hatch stuck out beyond the bumper. The front end of the other driver's car was smashed badly. The car was totalled and towed from the scene.
The front end of the car was crumpled with the force of the impact thrusting two foot of the metal back into the car. The windshield imploded, showering the insides with the deadly slivers of glass. Both the driving wheel and dashboard compacted into a mangled mess. The rear side passenger door was savagely torn free from its hinges and the front two wheels were sent spinning out into the night. The metal of the car groaned like the final cry of some wounded beast and it shuddered once then fell slowly onto its side. I could smell smoke; an oily taste hung in the air.
I was in a state of shock but strangely I didn't feel any pain.
I slowly lifted my hands from my face and looking around this big ringing in my ears. My eyes were slightly blurry but I could manage to make out things here and there. I shifted around in my seat but everything seemed so cramped. I lifted my foot and kicked the door at the other end of the car in the backseat, but it didn't budge, the only movement going on was it shaking slightly. "Mom, mom," I croaked trying not to let the hot tears flow.
There was no reply.
"Mom, can you hear me?"
There was still no reply.
"Dad?" I called hoping for some response.
But there was still none.
I closed my eyes and then reopened them wishing I would receive some response.
"HELP!" I cried out hoping someone would come. "HELP, PLEASE. PLEASE, SOMEONE HELP ME, PLEASE," I kicked the door wising by some miracle it would burst open but it never did.
I could hear people talking in some distance ahead, but there were none nearby.
They were coming closer and closer till I could feel them all around me. My vision was fading they were becoming blurry. Black spots were covering my vision as I was getting weaker and weaker. I knew it was a matter of time before I blacked out. My throat was closing up on me limiting my breathing which was coming in short gasps. It was like my surroundings were getting smaller almost suffocating me with its intensity. My weak attempt to try to make more room for myself in the cramped space failed almost instantly. I scuttled somewhat closer to the door on my right to savour the remainder of the safe feeling which wasn't much in the slightest.
The car was still stood on its right side. I stayed tilted; terrified the car would come down to the ground and kill the last of my faith I had on living. I swallowed thickly hoping for something to come and save me but nothing came. The ringing in my ears became unbearably loud almost painful. My chest was tight and my vision wasn't very good even though there wasn't a good sight.
I hesitantly closed my eyes and then I blacked out.
OW, I groaned loudly
The pain in my legs was throbbing violently and I could feel a faint ache on the back of my neck. My wrist joints were sore and stiff making it hard to move in this restricted place.
Where was I anyway?
I reluctantly opened my eyes exposing the bright light to my sensitive eyes which blinked back in reaction. I looked around in sheer curiosity finding out I was in the damn forsaken hospital.
What happened?
What happened last night came rushing back to me flooding my emotions in one big wave. I slung my legs over the bed and jumped off ignoring the cry of pain that cursed through me when I strained my muscles. I headed for the door hastily so I could find mother and father quicker where ever they were in this white hellhole.
Opening the door my eyes met with a doctor named Carol who had red hair and had the doctor outfit on.
"Sorry, sir, but you can't get out of your room, please stay there, sir." I looked at her incredulously, was she mad? I've just been in an accident wanting to know where my parents are and she's asking me to stay in that white room?
"I want to see my parents." I glared at her holding my expression ster.
"I'm afraid you can't right now, maybe you should lie down; do need any aspirin or pills for the pain?" I looked at her like she had grown another 2 heads. I wanted to see me damn mother, did it look like I wanted anything else. Who in hell did she think she was?
"Yeah, a pill that would kill me," I said angrily. Shocked she scurried away calling another doctor. Then I decided to make a run for it to see mum and dad.
"Where do you think you're going?" I looked up into the infamous eyes of Carlisle, best doctor in the damn town. He was looking down at me caring. I wasn't like I needed it.
"I want to see Mother," I gritted my teeth so my voice didn't go any higher than the standard talking.
"Come with me," He said calmly almost whispering. To say I was surprised was an understatement. I followed him alongside staying quite scared he would change his mind. We went past a couple of doors until we were met by a pair of double doors; I looked up and in bold letters which read 'ICU'
"No," I whispered fighting the mental breakdown I was issuing. I could see why he was looking at me like that before. She wasn't going to live was she? That was why he was looking at me like that.
"I'm sorry," I heard Carlisle whisper. He opened the door to the ward waited for me to step in. I cautiously walked in.
My blood froze; mother lay there pale on the uncomfortable hospital bed peaceful.
Something broke inside me, I couldn't tell what it was but it hurt, it wasn't physically bit emotionally. I couldn't take it anymore, I just couldn't; everything seemed too much that I slid to the floor my back leaning on the rough magnolia walls. I sobbed loudly the images of my nearly dead mother on the life machine. It was tearless sobs, no tears fell. I didn't know what to think of it. Maybe I was seriously mental like that, it kind of felt wrong not to be crying; but even so nothing came down.
No, no, no, this can't be happening,
Her heart was beating slowly almost dead, I prayed that it wouldn't go completely dead, my life depended on it, if it died totally there was no chance of me living. I would literally die. The pain that came from just seeing the sight before me was unbelievable. I couldn't control the reaction that came out of me; it just spilled out of me like an unscrewed tap.
"It's okay, shhh; it'd be okay, shhh." Carlisle was rubbing my back which was meant to be soothing but it only added more pain somehow. It was impossible to be quiet. He kept saying 'its okay' repeatedly but I could see thorough him, he knew himself it wasn't true, it was just something to hang on to, just a little bit of hope. But it would never be okay, nothing was okay at this point. Every time he said it was okay he kept adding to the lie, every time he said, it just sounded more and more unreal.
I quickly grabbed on to the table next to me and got up swiftly, before I could make it to any basin I doubled over on the spot and I puked my guts out on to the cold marble. The taste was disgusting which made me puke even more. My breathing became low and then my sight went. My legs broke down on me and I fell to the floor on the mess with a clatter. I could hear Carlisle me but it was faint. I blacked out again.
My eyes flickered open and once again I was back in the same white hospital room. My clothes weren't puke filled as I was expecting but I was glad it wasn't. I looked up and Carlisle was sitting opposite the room; hunched back his elbows leaning on his kneecaps. He lifted his head and looked at me straight in the eyes with a tight line plastered on his lips.
"Edward," He said softly "She's dead," My world stopped. The beating in my heart felt like it stopped.
"What?" I barley crocked out even though I perfectly knew well what he said, it wasn't the sentence that I needed repeated it was just that it wasn't functioning in me and somehow it didn't seem to be real. There was this emotion in me, it trigged all and it created an unbelievable amount of pain, it was coming in big waves and it was difficult to control, it was just rolling off me on its own accord weakening me with every shot it took at me. Like shooting me square in the chest with one of those revolvers letting the blood pour over me exposing my pathetic form.
"I'm afraid she's-" I put my hand up for him to stop, I didn't want to hear the 'D' word again, it would only bring more remorse and despair. I lost hope; the door which had an undersized amount of light left closed totally leaving me in the empty dark room fending for myself; walloping in my sorrow.
"I-I-I just-" My brain wasn't cooperating with me very well from the emotional shock and I didn't fight it, I let it engulf me in the world of pain and misery. Was this how it was supposed to be for me for the rest of my life? Left in the dark – nowhere to turn to?
Something struck me; and it made me feel even worse fighting with myself.
My last words to her were...I hate you.
My sobs were still continuing. I would never be able to take those three words back no how matter I tried it would never change what I said to her. She was gone and now there was no taking back anything I said or done that was reckless. I was a fool and I deserved nothing.
I felt like I was the target for everything, they were just coming down on me killing me inside more.
"Please, go," I whispered fighting the urge to shout and throw things around the room in a rage. He left through door and I crumbled letting my walls down and sobbing all I could. What would I do now? Having no mother was a disadvantage in so many ways.
I swallowed deeply and it finally sunk in. I was never going to see her. She was gone forever and then only thing I had said to her was 'I hate you'. I would never be able to rewind and change that. It would stay like that forever. She was gone and I was left alive.
Why couldn't I have gone instead of her? Why not me? It was far better if I had gone.
I had the blood on my hands, I had no one to blame this time, and Andy wasn't in this, this time. I was the one only to blame and I had to start living with it.
I had calmed down to a reasonable state and I just sat in my bed with my legs bent so my cheek was sitting on both of my caps. I had hiccups which weren't helping. I felt empty like something was missing; like she took a part of me with her already. As if she tore her share of my heart to take away. I sat on the bed for a while just thinking about all the time we shared. I would never be able to do anything with her.
She vanished.
I felt so dead inside. I wanted to go and see Mother one last time but a part of me didn't, it just wanted to crawl in a hole and just let death take over me. Instead of doing any I just sat there unmoving staring lifelessly at the magnolia walls like it was the most interesting thing in the whole world.
My mid started wondering where Father would be, I go up and left my ward in search for Father, he should be on this floor somewhere thought.
"Excuse me, could you tell me where my father is Edward Masen?" I croaked my throat sore due to the amount of sobbing.
"Uh...I think he's in ward 53." The blonde nurse replied back. I left without even saying thank you, but at that point I didn't even care. Nothing was important; being a gentleman was the least of my worries, if not it wasn't a worry to me at all.
I walked slowly towards 53 it was open, slightly ajar. When I was near it I heard shouting coming from the room.
"I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THE FREAKING PILL, MY WIFE DIED BEACUSE YOU BLOODY PEOPLE COULDN'T SAVE HER, AND NOW YOU THNK SOME PILLS ARE GOING TO MAKE IT ALL BETTER?" It was my father; and at that point I've never been scared of him until now.
"Sir-" The doctor was cut off by Father shouting even more.
"DON'T SIR ME, GET OUT!" He threw something on the floor and I rushed to hide behind a wall as the doctor came rushing out. I swiftly went out of dad's area and then I was facing Mothers ward again. I pushed open the door and went to sit on a chair beside the bed. She lay still, so still. Her face was paper white; the colour from her face was drained to nothing.
She looked dead.
I closed my lids taking in the pain. This was my entire fault. It was non reversible. I opened my eyes and she was sat in the exact place; it was silly of me to think that she would suddenly wake and save me from this daunting world. I wanted for this to be all a joke and it would be over, but that was the difference with fairytales and the cruel reality; reality's had no happy ending, fairytales could be anything you wanted it to be. I was in this for life.
I was a murderer.
I traced her eyes then her nose then the outline of her lips etching it all to my brain making myself almost like a machine; to never forget any part of her.
I reached for her hand holding it into the palm of my own.
"Mum, I'm sorry," I was barely audible but I think it would still be likely to be heard even though she was gone. "I know that-that it doesn't really mean anything, but I'm asking you for it to mean something. This ache in my chest doesn't get away and the more I try to ignore it but it only gets bigger; almost taking over me, the worst part is I don't know if there's a way out of this. Mom, I need you back please, come back to me."
*One Day Later*
I was outside in an alleyway, my feet weren't stable and my eyes were bloodshot red which couldn't open properly due to the lack of sleep; even when I lay in bed, sleep would not come and rescue me. I pressed the alcohol to my lips once again not really enjoying the taste but I only kept on drinking it to savour the buzz it gave me. I got it from a drunken man that gave me on the street, I was way under age for them to be sold to me in shops, and it wasn't something normal to do on my agenda.
I threw the glass bottle on the floor which broke into slivers of sharp glass. I didn't even look behind my shoulder and then walked away limply not caring about a thing in the world.
I arrived at home and pounded up the stairs, I could faintly hear the TV. in the living room. Once I reached my room I heard the living room door open.
"EDWARD ANOTHONY MASEN CULLEN GET YOU ASS DOWN HERE NOW YOU LITTLE GIRL!" He was fuming with anger.
I came down the stairs slowly meeting a red faced man, he looked quite terrifying. But I wasn't scared of him anymore, he shouted and beaten me loads of time, I didn't care anymore the only feeling came was to crawl in a whole a die. Nobody would notice me, they never had. I was just a useless boy.
"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? HUH HANGING OUT WITH GIRLS I SUGGEST, OBIOUSLY THAT'S WHERE YOU'VE BEEN YOU BIG WIMP! LOOK AT YOU GOT NO MUSCLES, SHAGGY HAIR, WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GROW UP TO BE A MAN? YOUR A WASTE OF SPACE THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE YOU PEICE OF JUNK!"
"No I'm not a girl! And I don't want to follow your path! You're not all innocent are you smoking and all that around the house, who wouldn't notice that you were smoking?" I knew I was going to get a beating, I never normally used to speak back but I don't know what came over me, I just hated to be treated like that.
"What did you say?" He came closer raising his clenched fist; I knew what was coming next. "SPEAKING BACK TO ME NOW? GONE CHEEKY BY THE DAY HUH?" He then punched me, really hard in the nose, it started bleeding, red blood oozed out of my nose, the pain was excruciating. My knees weakened as I feel to the ground, he was a sick old man who beats a small child. I was in total agony.
"GET UP YOU WIMP, WHAT ARE YOU A GIRL OR A MAN? I KNEW I SHOULD OF SENT YOU TO FOSTER CARE BEFORE, I MIGHT CONSIDER RETHINKING IT YOU LITTLE BRAT, NOTHING BUT TROUBLE!" He screamed in my blooded face. Then a sharp pain cross over my ribcage, he kicked me so hard I think I heard a crack, I whimpered in pain rolling on the floor.
He kicked me then in the stomach, it was like I couldn't move on this pain that was inside me getting stronger and stronger trying to break me, but he carried on shouting things like 'good for nothing' 'All your fault she's gone' 'rotten old kid'. I felt like crying, but he would only beat me up more. Then he threw a heavy metal iron on my head. All I saw was his teeth bearing down at me...And then I blacked out.
I woke up with a pounding headache. I looked around and I was near the staircase on the cool tile floor. I tried to get up but it hurt so I gave up still laying on the floor. There were bruises on my hands and body, so I couldn't use my hands very well to get up. I used my left hand which wasn't bruised as badly and slide my way to the kitchen. I slowly got onto the chair which was painful but it was worth it. I rested on the chair for several minutes before I made my way up to my room. I regretted having my room on the third floor.
I stripped my clothes off and got it to the shower.
All I could see was the water running red. It was from my cuts that dad had given me. The cuts stung like a great deal; I turned the water to cold hoping it would help the pain ease a bit.
I thought about father, he had changed so much that I hardly recognised him. Before mum – mum – actually went, it was like he went. He never touched me, and now it was daily that he beat me. It always went back to the question 'what if'.
What if mum was here, would even lay a finger on me?
No
The world had changed; nothing was familiar to me anymore.
I got out of the shower and dried off heading to bed with an empty stomach. The need for food was foreign to me. I didn't even eat anything because I didn't want it, it wouldn't go down my throat.
I missed mum, but I understood she wasn't coming back, no how matter how much I longed for her, she would never return and make everything better.
Everything was a mess, my life was turned upside down in a matter of seconds and it was just-just a mess. A big fat mess. And the thing was there was no way of fixing it. Mom was gone, and I couldn't take it in properly. I don't know why, but it didn't seem real, it was like everything around me felt surreal. My home didn't feel like it was mine anymore. I didn't go to school because I didn't have anyone there. Dad was a constant enemy. And I just had this guilt still in me. I didn't talk to no one anymore because the guilt was taking over. Everywhere I looked flashes of the car crash took over my mind, body and soul. Everything was against me shattering me whole form into dusts of nothing.
*Next day*
I was in my black tux and I was slowly fixing my black tie.
Today was the funeral; 13th November 1999.
Dad wasn't talking to me; he had left to go to the cemetery already. Billy Black was going to take me there. He was much older than me, I was 10 and he was probably in his late 30's. I quickly finished and got into his car heading for the cemetery.
I could help hyperventilating; this was going to be okay I thought to myself needing to calm down. We stopped in front of the cemetery and walked out into the church.
The priest said the prayers and then people got up to talk about mother, but it didn't really mean anything she was gone, there was no point in words, even if she could hear them, it was a wasted effort.
It was my turn to get up and I had nothing to say. I got up on the stand and I stood there awkwardly not able to say anything. I hadn't revised anything at all so nothing came, even when I tried to say something my mouth wouldn't open. I ran off the stage and exited the church running into the cemetery where mom would be buried.
I was grateful no one joined me to comfort me there words which I didn't appreciate. They would say everything would be okay when in reality nothing was okay; in fact everything was a disaster.
A couple of minutes later they all came out with mother. I sucked in a deep breath and went to join them as they lowered the coffin into the whole.
In the coffin was my mother, getting buried. Everything was black; well people were wearing black, a sorrowful colour. Mother didn't ever wear black; she despised it as she was such a colourful soul.
Death,
Black was for death. It emphasized the death, shouldn't the funeral be a time to celebrate the life the person shared with us, and how we should cherish that moment, wasn't it? Then why did people wear black? It all seemed so wrong; but I guess it was traditions.
People were shedding tears but me - no,
I envied all of them; they were all able to cry. I didn't know if I should be disappointed of happy that I didn't cry because I was strong or I didn't love her.
My face was still not giving any emotion away, how could this be? It was my entire fault she was dead.
The screeching noise still ringing in my ears of when it happened; the coffin lowered down in to the ground. People threw fistfuls of dirt onto the coffin.
This was the final goodbye wasn't it?
Goodbye mom...I'll always love you, and I'll be your Eddie, no one else's, yours only and forever. Have a good after life; I'll meet you on the other side soon, but not yet, just be waiting for me...Take care, and don't worry about me.
That was my final goodbye.
I could remember when that day when she pushed me on the swings, it was just me and her; she was pushing me and cooed about how talented I was. I was her Eddie.
I looked over my shoulder and father was there his eyes locked on the coffin. He hadn't talked to me for days since the accident. He was probably still trying to get hold that his wife died. But was it really my fault?
I shook the though away and stared at Edward my father. Yeah it was stupid I had the same name. He caught me staring and looked at me before ignoring me and put his undivided attention to his lifeless wife who was dead and now buried 6 feet underground.
My heart broke but still no tears came. Mother was the only girl in my life, I had never loved anyone as a female but now she was gone, I wouldn't have anyone to complain with or who would cheer for me in my soccer games, and help me with my homework.
Father was always busy with work and never had the time for his child. He went work early in the morning so I didn't see him in the morning, he worked all through the day until past the early mornings; I wouldn't be able to see him at lunch or supper. His day off was Tuesdays but he spent his time in his study and later he went off to work.
Was she finally gone?
Yeah I guess she was.
I looked at the coffin on last time; it a dark brown murky colour, and glass where you could see the head but inside it was covered. Everyone was gathered round as people said prayers. The body was the last one on the row. The number was 568.
До свидания дорогая мать.
That was what I said to her – it was Russian; Goodbye dear mother.
Not taking it anymore, my feet twisted around on its own accord. My eyes were dead, they didn't shine its emeraldness as it used to. I just felt...lifeless. I felt like I was a changed person, like I wasn't who I used to be. Was I really that lost without mother? She was my rock, the only reason for my being to stay – alive.
My body feeling limp and weak I walked away for the coffin, away from the black and sorrow, I needed space, I needed time to clear everything and actually grasp what had happened. Everything just felt so surreal.
Is this how it would be without mother?
It felt so lonely and that I had to fight a battle all by myself. I wanted, no needed her back, she was always my ray of sunshine on the worst days.
My feet lead to me to home although it felt weird calling it home without mother. I guess she occupied the smell to it and made it bright and well...homely. I would just go and wallop in my sorrow.
I arrived home and flopped on the couch in the living room. I sat there for quite a while just staring at the blank wall only thinking about one person in particular. After some hours I went up to my bedroom and started writing in my diary, this was the only thing that left me sane. At least something was normal I thought resentfully.
A couple of hours later it was quite dark when my father, Edward arrived home. I could hear him switch the kitchen light on then the tap started running. A few minutes later I heard sniffling, then I realised he was crying. At that point, even after what he did, I felt sorry for him.
I sat still in my bedroom until he calmed down and went into the living room before I came downstairs; I didn't want to set him off; especially today. I headed for the refrigerator to grab a bottle of water. Walking out Father was blocking the door way.
I looked at his face and his eyes were cold; his expression only intensified his cold glare ten times more. He looked like he was deep in thought as he wasn't talking.
Then his eyes flickered to me "You know, you're mother was the best thing that ever happened to me?" I couldn't see where he was going with this but it scared me. It was the first ever sentence he spoke to me since the accident. He still held his glare but now his arms were folded across his chest. "You want to know what the worst thing that happened to me?" He asked frostily. I didn't move my gaze just looking at him not answering. He answered himself anyway not needing my questioning. "The worst thing was the day you were born, I'm going to deny the existence of you; I'm going to disown you."
Everything in my body stopped, this was the end of me; he stabbed me so hard that I didn't think it was possible I would be fixable. I pushed past him and ran to me room; I sat in a corner and engulfed myself in my angst. My circulation wasn't working with me as good and there was this whole that he had ripped himself almost laughing in my face. I felt like everything ended, like nothing belonged to me anymore.
I couldn't take this anymore, I just couldn't. I wanted everything to be back to normal, I didn't want this, it was just too much, something that I couldn't handle. I wished and wished everything would all just vanish. I wished that this all didn't happen. I wished this was all a dream and soon I would wake up, but deep inside I knew it wasn't ever going to happen. I yearned for mother so much that it was draining all the energy from me. I didn't want this. This pressure that I was carrying was unbearable. After all this I still didn't cry, I wanted to, I wondered so much was it that I was a monster, someone didn't care about anything? If I didn't care why was mother always on my mind? I was going crazy and there was nothing there to help me. My walls were crumbling so fast in eye baffling speed that it was happening like I was blind. Everything was collapsing on me; I didn't have anything no more. I was now left in the dark with the door closed – no way of getting out.
I woke up to a cramped space realising the aching muscles and all the cramps were due to yesterday when I had sobbed myself to sleep. I slowly got up groaning at the cries of pain that vibrated of me. I scooted my clothes aside and sat down slowly letting out the deep breathe I was holding.
What would you do if your father disowns his child?
There wasn't an answer, you would break down, lock yourself away from everybody, and the world, you would be self-conscious and you would be aware of all the peoples thought about you. Someone disowning you would break you; and that's what father achieved. It was the last straw until I gave up, until I was defeated, until I couldn't any more. Everything that I thought would protect me dissolved into the cold reality. I no longer owned a safe sanctuary like normal 10 year olds had. I didn't have any of it.
The true colours of life really did show after all. I learnt a lesson, no one was trustworthy, not even mother, she had left me, and to what?
Nothing,
I didn't want to remember anymore, I just wanted to take away all the pain, if that meant forgetting the good times; so be it. I wanted to carry on without any regrets. I knew mother didn't intend on leaving me, I made her leave me, I had created the accident. It was my fault, if I had done as I was told and put the seatbelt on she's wouldn't have gone. Father wouldn't have disowned me. Everything would've been normal, like it should've been. I needed to take in what was life. Death was a fact of life; and I needed to accept that but even still it didn't sink in.
Maybe I was a mistake.
If I didn't have a seat in life mother wouldn't have died. They would've a kid that was obedient and well perfect.
I was a mistake.
Everything felt so dead; I felt dead. Everything was empty. Everything was in ruins, and all because of me.
I needed to make something of myself; I needed to show everyone that I wasn't just anybody, but I was somebody. I would promise myself no woman would tear and break me like mother did. I would never be this vulnerable again against a woman. I was going to built new walls for myself.
Rely on others and you would go hungry. I had experienced that and I felt the raw pain. I was like stepping in fire. I needed my own protection, something that no other would be able to break through. I needed barriers that were unbeatable. I was on the ground, and now I needed to get back up and fight. I wasn't just going to stand there and watch myself crumble with teary eyes. I was going to wrestle until I had no breath left in my body.
I was going to fight.
I was alone now.
*7 Years later*
I was 17; I had my own house, my own bills and my own world. I didn't rely on anyone anymore. I had got up from my lowest and fought. I had used mother's large sum of money she left me to get back up. I brought a house and looked after myself. I was going to pay back every dime of money I took when I got a good job. That was the least I owed her.
That was my childhood.
A/N...Once again I'm sorry about the unbelievable wait. I really hope this satisfied you. Don't know when the next one's up but hope you enjoyed it; this one was a hard one. So what do you think of his past? Please let me know if this didn't meet your expectations. Review guys, they overwhelm me to no end. I love you guys. Thanks for supporting me with your fantastic feedback. See ya!