Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter.
Chapter 12: You Have Me So Frustrated I Am Seeking Professional Help.
Spock stared at the blank notebook in his quarters, completely unsure what to write. This was not the first time he considered using this particular coping strategy. On multiple occasions, he has mentally drafted a reply letter to James after receiving one of his 'special emails'. However, Spock never actually dictated the message. He has stared at a blank screen multiple times wondering what he would say to his mother if she was still alive, but he could never typed the words. Now he had no choice but to tell his father how he felt, although, not for lack of trying to circumvent the situation.
He tried to avoid scheduling a follow-up appointment with Dr. Suarez. If he did not see the doctor again, there would be no need for Spock to do his unnecessary homework assignment. This did not work because Dr. Suarez scheduled an appointment for him at 7:00 AM ship time the next morning. Spock was more displeased because this meant he could not have breakfast with Jim that morning then he was over the fact that he would have to see the therapist.
Next, Spock tried to convince Dr. McCoy that he did not need the services of Dr. Suarez. The result was not favorable.
"Like fuck you don't." The doctor yelled complete with expletive after Spock explained why he did not need psychological services.
"If I had half the balls of Dr. Suarez, I would have forced you into therapy long ago. How many times did I have to give you sleeping medication? How little did you eat during the first few weeks on board?" Given the fact that the doctor continued rambling Spock was sure these were rhetorical questions.
"You try to kill Jim because you were out of your fucking mind with grief. Unless Jim is with you, you still barely touch your food. That's why I encourage him to eat with you whenever possible. I don't know where to begin to psychoanalyze the fact that you're pretending to still be in a relationship with your ex because you're scared of being in love with your captain. You are one fucked up individual."
Yes the doctor's points were valid. However, Spock did not want to accept this. He considered questioning the viability of the doctor's assertions but Spock knew the argument would be hollow.
"The sooner you can accept that, the better off we will all be."
"I will admit that I am not handling my mother's death as well as expected. However, I do not need Dr. Suarez's services." Spock argued again.
"No one is expecting you to wake up the next morning after watching your entire planet being destroyed and be perfectly OK. I'm may joke about it but you're not a computer. It's going to take time and in your case professional help." The doctor said before taking a long drink.
"The whole thing is a lot worse for you because you grew up in an environment where you were told it's not okay to cry or express any emotions whatsoever. We have been on this planet barely 10 days and I'm starting to wonder why they didn't have us bring a whole shipload of shrinks. We are surrounded by thousands of Vulcans who are not handling things very well, yet they are convinced that they don't need any help. You can't be super Vulcan. You need somebody to help you through your problems. Maybe Suarez can get you to work through your Jim Kirk related fear too, because I'm tired of dealing with two teenage girls who are afraid to talk about their damn feelings. I'm too busy dealing with trying to staff the new medical center and training volunteer doctors that have never worked with the green blooded before to deal with this." The doctor was spluttering at this point as he drank.
"I am neither a teenager nor a girl." Spock said defensively.
"Lord, give me strength." The aggravated doctor mumbled into his glass.
"You're seeing the doctor or I'll tell Jim all about you 'accidentally' reading his therapy letters. No, I don't believe your bullshit explanation. Knowing your computer skills, you probably broke into the file on purpose to see what your Jimmy bear really thinks about you." Dr. McCoy threatened him.
"I should see a healer not a psychologist." Spock argued in a desperate attempt to avoid seeing Dr. Suarez again.
"I like to see my daughter on Christmas but it's not going to happen. You are not even the most screwed up Vulcan here, much to my shock. You actually accept the fact that you have a problem, on some level. Unless, you can convince the scary Vulcan lady with the psychology degree to see you, you're stuck with Dr. Suarez. Now get the hell out of my office so I can spend quality time with my girlfriend." Spock felt it was best to leave before Nyota arrived.
He was sure that she would question Spock on the peculiar looks that he has been giving his other-self every time he interacted with James. Spock managed to break part of a table at the dining facility at the temporary council headquarters when he saw Jim accidentally touch his other-self's hand. He really did not want to have that particular conversation with Nyota.
Spock felt it was in his best interest to convince Healer Weston to see him again. However, he decided against that when he found out that Nurse Chapel would be her assistant for the next two weeks. Now 7 hours and 22 minutes before his next session he is desperately trying to finish his homework and he has no idea what to write to his father. Six failed attempts were currently sitting in his recycle bin much to his displeasure.
What he would like to write is 'please stop trying to make me live your life'. What actually comes out on the page is nowhere near that honest. It becomes the usual platitudes of concealed acquiescence that always occur during interactions with his father. He would never say something to the effect of 'I want to (insert item of choice)'. Even during their argument several days ago, he could never explain why he wanted to stay in Starfleet or had no desire to bond to any Vulcan. He sincerely doubted that writing these thoughts down would be any more effective than trying to say them aloud even if he had no intent of ever showing this to his father.
Although, if James' letters are any indication, it seems it is easier to write the truth on paper (or computer screen) than to tell the person directly. James was always much more honest in his letters. At the very least Spock should have tried to imitate James example. After rereading a few of Jim's letters, purely for the purpose of studying well executed examples of the exercise, he took pen to paper again.
Dear Sarek:
You will most likely never see this letter as it is a therapy assignment that I never intend to show you. Actually, I never intend to tell you that I am seeking the assistance of a human therapist not completely of my free will. I wish to avoid your condescending comments on the matter. However, certain personal experiences have showed me that despite my best efforts to conceal the existence of this letter you may still read the content despite my wishes or intentions.
Considering that you broke into my journal as a teenager and read my personal thoughts, I would not be surprised if you broke into my personal quarters on Enterprise and found this therapy journal. I do not trust you. I am sure you would justify your invasion of my privacy just like you did when I was a youth. I am most certain your justification would be your efforts to find me a new bond mate. Even though I am 28 by human standards, you still perceive me as an adolescent. Please stop doing this.
I do not want a new bond mate, at least not one of your choosing. The experience with T'Pring was so distasteful, that I wish never to repeat it. Considering she was engaged in a clandestine sexual relationship with Stonn at the time of her death, I doubt that our bond would have moved past the initial phase. She detested me for my human DNA, just like the majority of my Vulcan contemporaries. I do not want to be permanently bonded to an individual who will not appreciate who I am. I am tired of suppressing part of myself to make you and everybody else comfortable. Even if you cannot accept that I am part human, I must. James and Nyota keep telling me that I am myself and not the representative of my entire race. I must keep their words in mind.
I do not want to attend these lunch appointments that you are forcing me to attend in the hopes that I will agree to marry someone you choose. First, I find most of these individuals distasteful. I do not want to join my mind with such closed-minded individuals. We would have very little to speak about because my interest will always exist outside of the colony.
More importantly, I would rather spend my scarce free time with James. At the very least, he appreciates me on an individual level and accepts me for who I am. I do not have to be anyone but myself around him. Our relationship is without pretense. Despite our auspicious start, I find that I enjoy his company. I would rather be tortured than be forced to 'make small talk' with an individual who will most likely refer to my mother as a human Whore. James is a very intelligent human and fun to be around. (Contrary to what I have been told my entire life, having fun is not illogical or counterproductive.) Though, I do find it somewhat annoying when he leaves his towels in the middle of the floor of our shared bathroom.
Along the same line of reasoning, please do not invite other suitors to our planned dinner with James. Though I am pleased that you want to meet one of my friends who also happens to be my superior officer, I do not wish for you to belittle the occasion by turning it into another mechanism for matchmaking. I am 28 years old by human standards; if I want to become bonded again I will find my own potential partner. As for that certain medical condition that I have inherited from your side of the family, I will find my own way to deal with it that does not involve shackling myself to another Vulcan that is as distasteful as T'Pring.
Please do not embarrass me in front of my captain and friend at this dinner. Please do not bring out the digital photo album and show James pictures of me as a child. I am quite displeased that the picture of me lying naked cuddling a stuffed animal survived the destruction of Vulcan 'because mother saved these files on an off planet server. Please do not tell James embarrassing stories related to my childhood. James is a wonderful individual and I do not want him to think less of me.
Please do not contact Starfleet again for the sole purpose of trying to manipulate my life. The only reason why I'm not unduly upset about this mission is that I feel the ship can benefit the colony by being here. Much to your displeasure, I do not want to be on this colony except in the capacity of a Starfleet official. I only considered returning previously because I felt it was my duty as a Vulcan. I now know I can help my people more from my position in Starfleet than working on the redevelopment of the colony in person. You may feel that I am being selfish, but I am where I need to be and who I need to be with. I do not want to live permanently in a place where my fellow Vulcans do not take my advice because of my genetic makeup. I am a highly capable Starfleet official. (You would know that if you bothered to actually come to my graduation or commendation ceremonies.)
I am working closely with some of the best experts in urban planning in the Federation on the creation of this colony. Just because they are not Vulcan, does not mean their opinions are worth less. I do not want to make the new colony in the exact image of what we have lost. This should be seen as an opportunity for growth and evolution, not regression.
Why do you want me there in the first place? Do not keep giving me the same excuse about it being my duty to be on the colony. Why do you want me to leave my life behind? The one that I created for myself. You spent the entire time I was on earth, before the disaster, ignoring me and now you want to pretend as if the past never happened. I am unable to do that.
Mom is no longer around to function as an intermediary between us. I wish she was still here. I miss her but I could never tell you that, not really. Grief is an emotion that good Vulcans are not supposed to have. I guess I am not a good Vulcan because I am unable to suppress the anger and grief that I feel. I do not want to pretend that mom's death did not happen. I cannot pretend that everything will be wonderful now. I do not want to pretend that before her death we did not spend nearly a decade without speaking to each other. I cannot act like everything is the same as it was when nothing can ever be the same again. I am not the same.
In conclusion, I have to be my own person. That means I need you to let go and let me live the life I want to live.
Sincerely,
Spock
"Have you ever considered actually telling your father that you do not want to get married? Forget the marriage thing. Have you told your father any of this? You mentioned a lot of issues from your mother's death to being tired of trying to live up to his perceived ideal of the perfect Vulcan." The doctor asked after Spock voluntarily read his letter to his father out loud. Dr. Suarez said it was his choice but Spock knew that it was best just to read the letter now.
"That would be illogical." Spock said quickly. It was his automatic response to anything he did not want to do.
"Talking to your father is illogical? Doing what you want to do instead of what everybody expects you to do is illogical?" Dr. Suarez asked giving him a puzzled look as she wrote something in her notebook PADD.
"We have never had a suitable relationship. Communication has always been difficult between us." Spock said not looking at the doctor.
"I can tell considering that you spent nearly a decade not speaking to the Vulcan." The doctor said furiously scribbling.
"He was the one who chose to essentially cast me out of the family because I did not want to follow in his footsteps by attending the Vulcan Academy of Science. He was furious when I turn down the offer to attend the school for Starfleet Academy." Spock said looking directly at the doctor.
"Why did you turn down the offer to attend this school?" The doctor asked with genuine puzzlement and concern. He could lie and say that he went to earth and Starfleet academy because they offer something that he could not get on Vulcan but that would not entirely be the truth.
"The panel only looked at me in terms of genetic makeup. My accomplishments were great for someone who was only half of Vulcan. They acted as if they were letting me into the academy in spite of my disadvantages. I refuse to study at an institution like that." Spock said honestly. He never told anyone this before, not even his mother.
"There is obviously a lack of communication between you and your father. He knows that you are gay, right?" She asked this as a joke of sorts.
"Most of his proposed suitors so far have been of the male persuasion. However, some females have been included for reproductive purposes. The concept of sexual orientation is not as strictly defined on Vulcan, I mean in Vulcan culture, as it is on earth." Spock had to correct himself midsentence. It was hard for Spock to remember that there was no longer a Vulcan, only Vulcans remain. Sometimes he forgets for just a moment. If Dr. Suarez picked up on this, she said nothing.
"If you are not forced to participate in the arcane ritual of becoming engaged to the partner of your parents choosing as an adolescent, 92.413% of the time one marries the most mentally compatible regardless of gender. As long as you are with another Vulcan of a similar social standing gender is irrelevant, usually." Spock cannot help the bitterness that creeps into his tone. "I have engaged in relationships with women before as well." Spock added as an afterthought.
"That may be the case. However, I have a feeling that you prefer men." The doctor said thoughtfully.
"That is true. My father discovered this when he read my digital diary as an adolescent." Spock said trying to conceal the uncomfortableness he felt it was.
"Why am I not surprised?" She mumbled under her breath before continuing. "No, I mean that you prefer human men or women for that matter if the rumor mill is to be believed. You are human-sexual. Does he know about this?" The doctor corrected. Spock never heard things put in those terms before but to be honest he never found any member of the Vulcan species sexually stimulating.
"I am uncertain. He knows about my brief relationship with Nyota but he assumed that was a response to my mother's death. He seemed relieved when I informed him that we chose to part on amicable terms. Despite the pure hypocrisy of it, I doubt my father would be happy if I chose a male human partner given the current circumstances." Spock responded.
"However, you don't know that for sure?" The doctor questioned. As much as he would like to argue otherwise he did not have substantial evidence to prove that his father would be upset if he chose a human partner.
"Your assertion is correct." Spock said not looking at her.
"You're also afraid to tell him about this?" She asked. Spock just nodded in agreement
"I would suggest your father come in for a session but that's not going to happen. That would require you to tell him that you're in therapy in the first place." The doctor said shaking her head again.
"Your assumption is correct, again." Spock said with bitterness that he could not keep out of his voice.
"Was there ever a point in your life that you felt comfortable speaking with your father?" Dr. Suarez asked almost in exacerbation.
"No." Spock said without even thinking about the question. "I always had a much more open relationship with my mother. She never expected me to be anything other than myself."
"You feel that your father wants you to be someone other than who you are?" The doctor asked.
"If he accepted me for who I truly am I doubt he would be forcing me to enter another arranged marriage." Spock said darkly.
"Good point. Would you consider letting your father read this letter?" Spock responded with a dark expression.
"I thought that would be the case." Dr. Suarez said quickly. "Things are never going to get better with your father unless you have a completely honest conversation with him without screaming or yelling."
"Vulcans do not scream or yell." Spock said in his defense.
"You do remember that conversation you had with your father the day after you arrived on planet?" she asks sardonically and Spock tried very hard not to respond with 'of course, I remember because my memory is perfect.' Instead, Spock just nodded his head in agreement.
Your homework is to tell your father that you don't want to go on his matchmaking luncheons." If he were human, Spock would look at her with complete horror.
"That seems simple." Spock said as he tried to get up from the couch. Her assignment was anything but simple.
"Not so fast," Dr. Suarez said with an expression that told Spock to sit back down immediately. Amanda had a similar expression. "We still have 10 minutes. I would like to spend a few minutes discussing your James." At her words, Spock became increasingly more uncomfortable.
"James is a colleague and friend. Anything more than that, would violate several Starfleet regulations. There's nothing else to discuss." Spock said quickly trying to get up again. The doctor seemed amused.
"I think somebody is protesting a little too much. Sit back down, Commander. You said many flattering things about him, especially in the letter to your father. I would just like to know how did you go from literally trying to kill him to speaking about him in terms that are usually utilized by a teenage girl discussing her favorite crush." If Spock were human his mouth would be wide open at the doctor's bluntness. He really should not be surprised by this point.
"How do you know about the attempted murder incident?" Spock asked in an effort to avoid the more uncomfortable path this discussion could take. The fact that he was willing to discuss what happened with James the day his mother died on the bridge showed just how bad the situation really was.
"I'm not at liberty to say. How do you feel about our captain?" She asked as Spock felt his mouth go dry.
"I already know that you have emotions and sexual desires so I'm not that surprised if you have a crush on Jim. If I was 20 years younger and into men, I probably would too." The Dr. said with a laugh to put him at ease, but nothing could put Spock at ease.
"Under other circumstances I would stay here to answer these questions but I am due to a council meeting in 35 minutes. I need this additional time to prepare." Spock said as an excuse to avoid this possibly uncomfortable situation.
"Will your father be there at this meeting?" The doctor asked.
"Yes." Spock said, and displeased with this fact. He was tired of his father questioning his authority in front of the entire council.
"Okay you can leave early. I think you need that extra time to mentally prepare for dealing with him. Remember your homework and to schedule your next appointment." The doctor told him but Spock was out of the chair before her words were finished.
Spock was glad that he was not actually receiving a grade for his therapy homework because otherwise he would earn his first less than exemplary mark ever. He did cancel all upcoming dates that his father was forcing him to attend with various Vulcans that Spock could barely stand to be in the same room with, let alone have lunch with. Instead of telling his father why he canceled said dates he claimed that he had several important Starfleet related activities that must be performed during the lunch hour. This was not a complete fabrication because he did eat lunch with James and they did discuss business related things.
"How are things going with the council?" Jim asked as he quickly took a bite of his grilled cheese sandwich. Spock was eating the same thing. For the first time in months, he was actually able to consume grilled cheese and tomato soup without thinking of Amanda. Maybe therapy was beneficial but he would never tell Dr. McCoy or Dr. Suarez that.
"It is acceptable. We agreed to begin construction on two housing developments and an apartment complex in 2.3 days time." Spock said trying to accentuate the positive. This plan was only finalized after elder Selek suggested that Sarek stop arguing for the sake of arguing and listen to Spock's plan before automatically dismissing it just because he was not taking the path Sarek wanted him to take. Spock actually envied his other self for being able to stand up to a Vulcan that was essentially his father by genetics if nothing else.
The others on the council despite their disdain for his human heritage gave Spock the same respect they would give any other Starfleet representative. They at least considered the viability of his argument before trying to dismiss it. Of course, Spock told Jim none of this even if the personal politics involved affected the mission at hand.
"That's good. Is your father still treating you like a toddler?" Jim asked bluntly and Spock was caught off guard.
"He is not treating me like a toddler. He is treating me like a seven year old child that he is trying to force into a marriage bond." Spock said darkly, Jim seemed only slightly confused.
"That's completely fucked up. You have a girlfriend yet your father is trying to set you up with someone else." It would be so easy for Spock to say that he no longer had a girlfriend and therefore that was the reason why his father was so desperately trying to find Spock a new bond mate. Unfortunately, Spock could not say this out loud.
"He desires for me to find Vulcan companionship." Spock said simply. Again, that was mostly true.
"That just shows your father is an absolute hypocrite, in addition to being a complete ass."
"I have discovered that most people are hypocrites." Spock said taking a final bite of his grilled cheese. If it was anyone else Spock would have made a comment about his father not being a donkey, but he did not need to hide behind pretense with Jim.
"That's definitely the truth." Jim said slurping the last of his soup.
"What time do I need to pick you up tomorrow, for dinner with your father?" Jim said reminding Spock of his upcoming humiliation. Was it wrong to hope for a red alert tomorrow evening so he would not have to spend dinner with his father?
"1830 planet time should give us sufficient time to travel to my father's temporary quarters." Under normal circumstances he would leave 15 minutes earlier than that but he did not want to arrive to his father's quarters any earlier than absolutely necessary
"That's cool. I assume that we're picking up Nyota on the way?" Jim asked. Spock found his question perplexing.
"Nyota was not invited." Spock said in response and Jim just frowned.
"Why do I have a feeling that your father is using this as another matchmaking opportunity?"
"Your instincts are right 93.421 percent of the time." Spock said actually having taken the time to discover the percentage.
"Do I want to know how you were able to come up with that number?" James asked with a puzzled look.
"No, James."
"Is it really that hard to tell your father that you do not want him to keep playing matchmaker?" The doctor asked with a quizzical expression during their next appointment. For some reason Spock's attempt to schedule an early morning conference to go over various developments with James fell apart at the last moment therefore forcing Spock to attend his next session with Dr. Suarez.
"You are disappointed." Spock said noticing her expression. She looked displease the entire time Spock explained how he avoided his father's most recent attempts at matchmaking without actually explaining why he did not want to.
"To say that I am disappointed would imply that I and judging you. I'm not judging you. My entire purpose is to help you work out some of your problems. One of your biggest problems is trying to live up to expectations of others. It's hard enough to live up to your own expectations, stop worrying about everyone else's." She said with a laugh.
"Although, I was unable to explain the exact reason, I was able to avoid the lunches that my father was forcing me to attend. If I was able to accomplish the same purpose, does the means really matter?"
"What excuse did you give?" Spock would argue that he did not use some excuse but he is conscious that arguing with this doctor would be futile.
"I told him that do to the nature of the current project I would be having lunch meetings with Captain Kirk most afternoons for the duration." The doctor had a confused expression before she started asking various questions regarding his actions pertaining to James. Unfortunately, Spock was not able to avoid the questions by leaving the room like last time.
"Does Jim know that you're single?" Dr. Suarez asked after several minutes of explanation where she stayed mostly quiet.
"I have said multiple times that I see James as a colleague and friend." Spock protested again.
"I am a trained psychologist. I know when someone is lying to me. More importantly, I know when someone is lying to himself. You Mr. Spock are lying to yourself." She said pointing a stylus at him.
'No, I am just lying to you.' Spock thought but did not dare voice saying those words aloud.
"I know the regulations. I also know that Starfleet's fraternization policy no longer applies to this type of situation. You can thank your predecessor for that one. Actually, you would not have even ended up on Enterprise if there wasn't an alien fertility ritual incident that happened a couple of years ago resulting in Mrs. Pike deciding to take a desk job so she could spend more time with the miracle child that neither thought they would ever have." The doctor explained.
"I am well aware that there is no longer a prohibition on relationships between first officers and captains." Spock researched this the first time he realized that he had more than platonic feelings for his commanding officer.
"Even if that wasn't the case, anything we say here is completely confidential. I'm not going to talk about what we are talking about to any of your colleagues as long as you're not planning to kill yourself or someone else. I think I also have to disclose possible acts of terrorism, but I don't think you are that crazy." She said trying to be reassuring.
"I understand that." Again, he was very familiar with the confidentiality policy at Starfleet.
"Good." Dr. Suarez said with a sigh. "I am going to ask you this question again. Before you answer, bear in mind that you just spent 5 minutes talking about Jim's eye color." Spock looked directly at the carpet at that moment realizing that was not hyperbole.
"Are you attracted to James Kirk?" Dr. Suarez asked looking directly at him. It was the type of look Amanda gave him when she knew that he was lying.
"Yes." Spock finally spoke after several minutes realizing that lying would be counterproductive.
"Thank god we're finally getting somewhere." The doctor mumbled under breath, most likely not expecting Spock to hear what she was saying.
"Do you feel strong emotions of a romantic nature in regard to him?" The doctor asked.
"Yes." Spock said in response after much hesitation. "Then why haven't you told Jim that you are interested in him?"
"I do not feel emotionally healthy enough for a relationship of any significance at the present time." That was when Spock explained the entire Nyota situation. The doctor stayed silent until he finished.
"I can understand how you would be reluctant to enter into another relationship again. Yet, how are these two things connected? Just because Jim knows that your single doesn't mean that you will fall into bed right away." The doctor told him with eyebrows raised.
"I am aware of that." Spock replied without inflection.
"Yet you're still afraid."
"I'm not afraid. Vulcans do not have fear because fear is an emotion." Spock said using the excuse automatically. This resulted in the doctor laughing.
"We're definitely going to have to work on that next time and I thought you were getting better about that sort of thing. Please remember that you are an individual, not the sole representative of the Vulcan race and therefore you can be anyone you want to be. If you want to be angry, you can be angry. If you want to cry, you can cry. There are no boundaries here." She said looking at him intensely. Spock could tell from her eyes and tone that she was being sincere.
"Okay," Was the only thing Spock could say to something like that.
"Let's end this session now, we only have five more minutes anyway." The last time Spock felt this much relief was when Starfleet avoided being pulled into the black hole created by the demise of Nero's ship.
"Let's talk homework." Other words that relief instantly when away. Spock was already tired of her homework assignments. "Option one is to tell James that you are single." If he were human, his mouth would be open in horror. As a Vulcan, he merely raised one eyebrow in puzzlement.
"I have tried to do this on multiple occasions, but so far I have been unsuccessful."
"Have you tried telling him in a letter?" Spock thought about it but he wasn't going to tell her that.
"You can try writing him a letter about how you really feel."
"What's the second option?" Spock asked knowing that the first one would be impossible at this juncture.
"During that family dinner that you absolutely positively do not want to attend, I want you to tell your father the real reason why you canceled all of your lunch dates." Again, Spock felt that the latter option was much more practical even if he did not want to do it at all.
"I will explain to my father why I do not want him to interfere with my love life." Spock said in acquiescence.
"Good. Later on, we can work on trying to get you a love life. I will see you sometime next week I will have my assistant send you an e-mail." The doctor said quickly but Spock was already halfway out the door, wanting to have this session over with as soon as possible. He was in such a hurry that he did not notice the individual that he ran into.
"I apologize." Spock said without looking.
"No big deal." When Spock heard his voice he knew instantly this was his James. "Hey what are you doing up here?"
"He was here this morning to discuss some of the problems we're having on the colony regarding mental health. I needed to get the Vulcan perspective and Commander Spock is the only Vulcan I know that doesn't think psychology is pure bullshit. It's hard to treat people who do not realize that they actually have a problem. I mean you are here just to discuss ship stuff such as the sexual harassment seminar that you're making me teach. Not everyone who comes to my office is completely crazy. Even if he was a patient, that would be none of your business. It was nice speaking with you, Commander Spock, and I will try to come up with new strategies to help those on planet." She said quickly.
With that, Spock was gone although he did make a mental note to discuss the treatment strategy for those on planet.
"If my father was trying to set me up with random strangers for the sole purpose of making Vulcan grand babies I would seek professional help too. I don't know why you're so uncomfortable about it." James said as they walked back to Jim's quarters after materializing on the ship after attending one of the most awkward dinners he has ever had with his father. Considering the fact that Spock has been disowned by his father previously, this is a remarkable feat.
The only saving quality of the evening was that Sarek did not inundate him with possible suitors. Everything else was less than tolerable. First Spock is positive that Sarek served several foods that James is highly allergic to, despite the fact Spock emailed him a comprehensive list of all of James' allergies prior to dining together. The only thing Jim could eat was the bread.
The meal became even more uncomfortable when Sarek started interrogating Jim in a way that James said was reminiscent of the ancient earth film meet the parents. (They were scheduled to watch the first two films in the series the next night.) The Vulcan actually had the audacity to ask James how many sexual partners he has had. Spock was positive his cheeks turned green at this. The fact that James answered with nine made Spock wonder if his father gave James some sort of truth serum. He most likely put it in the bread, knowing that was the only thing Jim could eat.
"If I had a father that is, spending time with your father, almost makes me happy that I only had to deal with my mother." Jim said somberly bringing Spock's mind back to the conversation at hand. "In my case it would've been crazy stepfather and that would never happen because something like that would require caring. The only thing Frank cared about was getting high and beating the…" Jim stopped in midsentence realizing he was going to say too much. This made Spock sad.
"That sort of stuff was the reason why I had to see a therapist as a child." James said quickly. Spock had to repress the illogical desire to smile at the fact that James volunteered something so personal with him without the aid of alcohol after his prior omission.
"I was not there to see Dr. Suarez in a personal capacity." Spock said again feeling bad that he was lying to Jim after his moment of honesty.
"Okay, I believe you even if I don't. Again, it's okay. I just wish you were comfortable enough with me to tell me the truth. Maybe it would be good for you."
"In what way?" Spock asked avoiding other more problematic parts of Jim's earlier statement.
"I'm just worried about you. Losing your planet and your mother on the same day cannot be easy for anyone. The situation with your father is obviously making everything more difficult for you. You kind of have a tendency to keep everyone at arm's length." Spock was tempted to reply with 'you do the exact same thing' but considering the nice night that they have been having despite Sarek's best efforts to make both miserable, Spock felt it was the better part of discretion to stay silent on the matter. "I want you to be able to talk about these things with me. I understand what it's like to lose a parent. But for whatever reason you're not ready to talk to me about it. Despite that, I want you to tell somebody what is going on even if it happens to be a professional. Dr. Suarez is definitely a well qualified professional, that's why I begged her to serve on board Enterprise. Honestly, I don't think we can take another bridge incident." James joked.
"I will take your words under advisement." Spock said quickly as they reached his door.
"It'll be OK. I'm sure your father will stop with the stupid stuff as soon as you bring Nyota over for her to kick him in the balls." Jim said as he squeezed Spock's hand. Spock wondered if Jim knows that he just gave him a goodnight kiss. The gesture had Spock distracted enough that he did not mention that full blooded Vulcans do not have external testicles.
"Goodnight Jim." Spock said reluctantly letting go of Jim.
Spock was sure this evening would be the type of thing Jim would write a letter about and therefore he checked his e-mail at exactly 12:01 only to be disappointed. That obviously meant that Jim discovered the computer error. Instead, he found an e-mail from his father asking if Spock was resisting Sarek's efforts to find him a bond mate because of Jim. Spock had no choice but to respond to this.
From: SpockX
To: ElderSarekVC
Subject: I do not need you to meddle in my personal life.
Time sent: 9/22/2258 00:10:41
Regardless of my intentions regarding James Kirk I am not interested in spending the rest of my life with someone who does not appreciate me for who I am. I am not sure you appreciate me for who I am therefore I do not trust your judgment in regards to finding me a life partner. I will find my own bond mate. If this individual just happens to be James Kirk, you will accept this if you want to be a part of my life. I am not sure if you will, since experience has taught me that you are willing to leave me behind when I do not conform to your expectations. I wish you will not do this because you are all I have left. However, I will no longer compromise who I am to be the Vulcan you expect me to be. I am not just a Vulcan. I am myself.
To be continued.
.