Poised on the Brink and Ready to Fling Ourselves Over

March 7, 3019

Always, always, adventures aren't complete without a pissing downpour. As anticipated, the Rangers unloaded us like shot from a cannon at their first semi-polite opportunity, and we're now on the road south. There was a mighty large contingent of Men in transit that we had to dodge yesterday, so I wasn't able to write, and today we're holed up in an abandoned ruin to wait out this storm.

It's creepy as hell being this close to Mordor, not gonna lie. Ufkoth has this look on his face that makes me think he's looking for an opportunity. Not to knife one of us, mind you, but to run for the hills. There may be a lot of Orc-ing around in his family tree, but he has no desire to cross these mountains into the Land That Sucks All the Balls. It's getting harder to distract Frodo, too. Sam's beside himself with worry, and keeps looking to me for answers. About all I can do is run through barely recalled gems from the old Doctor Demento show.

According to 'history,' today was the day Frodo and Sam met up with Faramir, so we're ahead by a day or two. If the scrawled notes on my Fonstad map are right, and my ability to properly read our progress isn't completely off, we should be stumbling onto that pass by morning. Then it's up and over the Ephel Duath.

We have the slight advantage of Ufkoth's Orc-detecting nose (we've long since given up on Sting being of any use – the damn thing shines like a beacon 24/7) and remarkably acute hearing. He could hear, and probably smell, a cricket fart from a hundred paces. Speaking of our Orc friend, and while I've got a moment, here's something interesting we learned before parting ways with Faramir.

To begin with, I have selective hearing. I can pick up individual voices in a roomful of varying conversations, but completely missed the gunfire during my wedding. So even though I wasn't in the cubby with Faramir and Ufkoth, I caught phrases and snippets that I did my best to memorize so I could write them down. This is some god-awful shit, I'm tellin' yuh.

Ufkoth: ... saw him once, after. He told me to just... do what I was told. The time for defiance will come; I better be alive when it does. Then he went where he was supposed to go, and I went my way. Never saw him again.

Faramir: And your mother?

Ufkoth: [pause] [thickly] No.

Faramir: Did your father mention her?

Ufkoth: [tightly] Aye. He did. Said he... he got to... to breed with her. Once.

Faramir: [startled] Breed?

Ufkoth: [angry] To make more of Saruman's Uruk-hai. [spits] He took some of us for breeding. Didn't care who was mated to who. Da only saw her the one time after we got in there. Cause his name and her name came up for breeding. It was just... luck. Said she was... she was alive. That's about all he'd tell me: she's alive.

Faramir: [subdued] I had no idea.

Ufkoth: [anger rising] Why would you know? Why would you care? We don't mean anything to you. None of us do.

Faramir: Perhaps that was the way of things before. But I have heard your tale, and I cannot see you, or any of your folk, in the same way now. You have opened my eyes, Ufkoth.

Ufkoth: [calming] Don't want to open nobody's eyes. I just want to go home.

Faramir: [tentative] I gather, then... Mordor is not your home?

Ufkoth: [low growl] No. I've no wish to go there.

Faramir: Why do you?

Ufkoth: [pause] The time has come, and I am alive.

As usual, heart breaking for Ufkoth, but I'm extremely glad these things were told to Faramir. He's going to carry that info back to Minas Tirith, and while I don't see him assaulting Osgiliath with flower petals and love beads, perhaps the aftermath of this war won't be so hard on the Orcs. Maybe there will be the kind of pause I'm hoping for, where the Orcs get a chance to regroup and figure out what they want to do with themselves in a world without the Shadow, and Men will hang tight and see what comes of that introspection. As opposed to just bulldozing the lot of them right out of the gate.

Ooo! I think the rain is letting up. Gotta get this wagon train a'movin'. I think I remember most of Happy Trails. Maybe that'll get Frodo interested in giving us a verse or two of that wildly popular Baggins number about roads going ever on and on, yuh think?