Entry 25

It is late. Jagged pulled me from my cabin aboard the Starflare after everyone else had retired from a long, emotionally taxing day. The purpose was purportedly to 'take a stroll,' though it was more of a patrol circuit that he likely was not yet cleared to perform, due to his limited duty orders from the head injury.

Chak arrived with his taskforce a few hours after we did. Jagged wanted to meet him alone and tell him about Cherith. I did not really understand why at the time, but I think, after our stroll about the base, I am beginning to comprehend.

We walked up and down the dimly-lit billeting corridors, speaking of everything and nothing. Jagged wondered about the recent months on Nirauan in his absence, wondered how we had all been getting along; wondered whether Cherith had been content with her life in its last days. I told him about our fanciful discussions about exploring the galaxy someday, but also that Cherith had been proud to begin to feel out the path for her future.

We talked about Wynssa at great length as well. I am beginning to suspect that father will try to keep her out of military service altogether, that she will always now seem too young due to being the youngest, that our parents will want to spare themselves the heartache of worrying after another of us. Jagged was skeptical- understandable, I would not have entertained such an idea a year ago. But if nothing else, this past year has given me a perspective on father that I dare to think is unique from that of my siblings. He has spoken intimately with me on matters I never dreamed he would broach with any of us- his conflicting feelings over Imperial service, the difficulties of weighing those sentiments against fear for his wife and the young Davin and Chak.

There is more to father than the proud, militaristic general I have grown up to know. A side of him that constantly second-guesses his decisions- not the military ones, but the personal ones. The decisions that led him to the top of the Imperial Navy, to the New Republic, to Thrawn, to Nirauan. The decisions that separated him and mother from their families, in the name of something more important, of something bigger than all of us.

And yet for my conviction in his moral dilemma, I cannot yet decide whether my circumstance ranks on his list of doubts or regrets. My only fear is that he only sees it from the light of my relative safety. At least one child who will be always underfoot. One who will never be the topic of a terrible conversation with Parck regarding a scouting mission gone terribly wrong.

In a moment of hesitation, I considered sharing with Jagged all that had come to pass in recent months. Father's unexpected task for me in studying the rest of the galaxy; my desire to get in the Starflare and just go, anywhere; the sudden appearance of a flight simulator; the intrigue of Outbound Flight and the ever-evolving mystery that was Thrawn, his intentions, his motivations. Before I could decide, however, a cool voice sounded from behind us.

"Lieutenant Fel." Jagged paused and turned, I followed suit. A tall female chiss in the same black and crimson uniform which Jagged wore was approaching. "Tlarik mentioned your insistence on taking the late round against medical advisory."

"I should have known not to trust him." There was a subtle banter in Jagged's tone, something I found strange.

Her gaze fell on me. "Your brother, I presume."

Jagged looked to me, a quick calculating look going through his eyes. He gestured to the chiss. "This is Lieutenant Shawnkyr Nuruodo."

It was a name I recognized from his holomessages. "Ah. Cadet Commander Nuruodo? Your reputation precedes you."

She narrowed red eyes; a look I first interpreted as anger, but it was more of a curiosity I think as she turned back to my brother and raised a cool brow. "You are on duty, Lieutenant, it is inappropriate that you should not bear proper insignia."

Jagged actually flushed a little, but his voice was steady and even. "There were other matters more important , it did not seem worth the distraction." But he pulled a pin from the breast pocket of his uniform and affixed it to his lapel. As cadet rank, it was a slightly altered design from traditional military markings, but similar enough for me to recognize it.

"Your brother proved himself worthy of the rank in every regard during the attack on this base. You should be very proud of him…"

She wanted to address me by a name or a rank, seemed slightly nonplussed that I did not bear one on my person. For a brief moment, I considered just telling her that I was Chak and hoping the two did not encounter one another during his mission here. But then I thought about my earlier reflections on Davin, on the Fels being forced to be something they are not, and I knew that the least I could do in his honor was to own my identity for what it was.

Before Jagged could speak up, I took a small step forward and extended my hand, meeting her glowing eyes steadily. "Wal'dy-i-Om."

Wal'dy-i-Om. Child from the Shadow.

Her demeanor shifted immediately. She inclined her head in acknowledgement and said sincerely, "I am sorry about your sister," and then directed her attention back to Jagged and did not once acknowledge me or even look at me for the rest of the encounter. Like she did not wish to see or hear too much.

Maybe there is an unspoken honor code surrounding such incidents. I do not know, and I do not intend on broaching the subject with father.

On our way back to the Starflare, Jagged explained some of what had led Lieutenant Nuruodo to hand over her rank to the unlikeliest of them all. I am proud of him, but also sorry for him- it took him only months what took Davin years, and he is very young for the stresses and responsibilities there-entailed.

Responsibilities like passing along news to next-of-kin regarding the demise of their loved ones.