Author's Note posted below.

Chapter 25

New

I want to curse the sky for staying sunny. How can the weather be in a good mood when we're in grief? I am not surprised at all though. It has always been like this. The world is raining when I'm happy and it is sunny when I'm sad.

Standing before a full length mirror, I am dressed in a black dress. I don't know how long I've been staring at my reflection. My eyes are swollen from crying and my throat is too dry from crying out. My hands hold white flowers and another tear purges out of my eyes when I realize that I've never given my mother flowers when she was still alive. She received from Ben and my siblings but never from me. I feel like shit. In fact, I'm worse than shit.

When we were in Amsterdam, Christian and I had a tour in Anne Frank's home and he knew everything about her. I could say that he studied her diary. No, he analyzed it. Among all the words Christian said, this one describes what I feel right now. Christian taught me one of the famous quotes by Anne Frank. She said, "Dead people receive more flowers from the living ones because regret is stronger than gratitude."

I am back to being a wreck.

To make my feelings worse, I get my necklace from my pocket and gaze at it for a long time. Its lace is colored in silver and the pendant is a letter A. I had this one when I was a seventeen year old girl but I only wore it once. I know it broke my mother's heart.

"Anastasia, dear, look what I got for you."

Mom is too excited as soon as she enters the door of this cursed apartment. I roll my eyes at that. How can she be happy after washing too many clothes for rich people? If I were her, I'd be drowning in jealousy. Well, that's my mother; she never dares to dream big. Well, never ever!

"What's that, Mom?" I ask.

She sits right next to me on our close to broken couch. The level of her energy is very high as soon as she gets the necklace from her pocket. She gets even more energetic when I start to jump up and down excitedly. I know that it's not real silver but the necklace is beautiful! And it has a letter A on it! This necklace is really for me.

"Oh my gosh, Mom! Oh my gosh!"

"Do you like it, Dear?"

"I love it!" I can sense that she's struggling as she places the necklace around my neck. As soon as the locks have met, I wear it like a necklace model. I don't have the best neck out there but I can rock this look!

"I am so happy that you love it," Mom acts like she has won the lottery because this got me so impressed.

"I love you, Mom," I say the words I rarely say.

She kisses me on the cheek and we talk about the necklace. Mom says she's been earning for it and yes, Elizabeth is jealous but Mom makes a promise that she'll have one too. I can see Elizabeth giving me that cold look but she has to wait for her necklace.

The next day, I plan to tell Mia all about the necklace but as expected, Mia will have all the things I'll never have. If I have that something, she has the better version. Ironically, her parents gave her a real gold necklace and everyone's looking at it as if they just witnessed a miracle happen. Mia keeps on talking about her necklace and how its "historically relevant". I don't know what that means but all I know is that no one will care about this necklace I wear.

I stop wearing the necklace. It turns out Mia will always have it better.

After three weeks when my mother cleaned up my room, she sees the necklace tossed to the side along with the worn clothes ready to be washed. I can see that she's hurt but I am hurting even more. It seems like everything I have is never good enough. Why can't she make things good enough for me?

"Ana, why aren't you wearing your necklace anymore?"

I roll my eyes, "Don't ask me about that."

She raises her voice, "I am asking you a question!"

"I won't answer," I am being stubborn.

"Answer me!" It's a demand.

"Why would I wear something fake? It's not even real, Mom! I am never going to wear that again!" I yell before lying down my bed. She looks like I've slapped her across the face and a part of me wants to apologize but a part of me claims that this is the right thing to do. She has to know that as a mother, she's not doing her duties for her child.

"If that's what you want then okay," she says before wiping a tear that escaped from her eye. She puts the necklace inside my drawer and it hasn't been touched since then.

I put the flowers aside as I attempt to clasp the necklace. My fingers are shaking so badly and I just can't seem to do it right. I am about to give up. I am about to break down. I can't even clasp it together. Is Mom not allowing me to wear it anymore?

Just when I'm about to throw it aside and yell at how I am the worst daughter that ever existed, Christian's reflection appears in the mirror. He takes a few steps closer to me. His black suit makes him look like he's going to a fashion show and not to a funeral. He moves closer and closer until he stands behind me and there's no space between our bodies. Our eyes are locked together in the mirror. He's feeling the pain for me. I can see it.

I feel more pity with myself.

"Let me do that for you," he says before getting the grip of the necklace and clasping it for me. He even arranges my hair so they can fall to the right place.

It feels so surreal seeing myself wear this necklace again. I never thought that this day would come. Back then I'd say that this necklace is nothing special. It's not even real silver. Its quality will never be impressive but right now? It's the most priceless possession I ever have.

Christian wraps his arms around my waist and rests his chin on my shoulder. No, we're not okay but I don't have the strength to push him away. My pride has lost its armor as I let myself admit that I need him right now. He's the one I need the most. How can a man who thinks that he's weak could be my biggest source of strength. Isn't that how life is supposed to be? No matter how broken you are, you're the only one who can carry the weight carried by others.

I turn around slowly and our forehead rests together.

"I am sorry," he whispers. I don't know what he means by that. I think he means that he's sorry for my loss. It could mean that he's sorry for the big fight we're going through. It could be that he's sorry because he couldn't let himself love me the same way I love him. It could be all of the above.

I am about to say something but a knock on the door interrupts us. Dad who is wearing his black collared shirt tells us that it's time so Christian and I break free from each other's grasp. I get the flowers and find myself in the arms of the man I loved first—my father.

_oOo_

As we walk down the cemetery, Elizabeth's crying has gone out of control. Since my mother died, she has kept it all inside. She hasn't shed a single tear. That's how the two of us differ. I have a habit of combusting at the exact minute while Elizabeth holds it all in for as long as she could and then she bursts out when she reaches her boiling point.

Dad is holding her while Ben seems confused about everything. Of course, he knows that Nana's not going to be around any longer but the innocence makes him composed. Elliott, on the other hand, is staying strong.

Me? I am holding hands with Christian as another memory- a very recent one has popped into my mind.

We have been here in Kansas for five days now and I have never left the hospital except when Ben needs to eat for some kiddie meal. Mom is watching TV while I sit right next to her. It fascinates me how she gets so happy when she gets to watch TV shows with clear reception. Then again, we grew up with no TV until I've reached the age of fourteen.

I remember how Mom skipped like a child when my father brought home TV. It was blurry at first but Dad did his very best to fix it and Mom becomes very happy.

"Mom?"

"Hmmm?"

"I am really sorry . . . for everything," I am losing my voice.

She gives me a smile before saying, "Didn't I tell you that I forgive you for everything you've done? I don't want to spend my days hearing you say sorry again and again. Let's be happy, Ana. Just let it go. I've learned to let it go." With her white hair and the way she says "Let It Go", it's like Queen Elsa from Frozen. That's Mom. She's a queen.

I wrap my arms around her and inhale her scent.

I break the rules again, "I am so sorry for looking at the bad aspect of your relationship with Dad."

This time she doesn't get mad. She grabs the remote control and powers off the TV. She looks at me straight to the eye then tells me, "Before you get married, it's all about the love. It's all about the ideal of how you can make it through because of your love for each other. Then you grow old, you have children, and you have piles of bills and then you say that love is not enough. There are times when you are about to give up. I mean you heard me and your dad fight, right? You hear us calling out cruel names. Oh my goodness! It was awful! But Ana? What makes it up are the nights when you say sorry and you remind each other why you're here in the first place. Love may never be enough so that's why there should be hope and faith and respect and forgiveness and most of all, acceptance."

I give her a smile then I guess that it's time I should be honest with her.

"Mom, I'll never have that kind of marriage. Mom, Christian and I . . . it's not real." That's when I tell her everything. I tell her how I agreed to marrying him because of money. I tell her how he asked to marry me because he won't grow old alone but at the same time he won't invest emotions. It wasn't marriage. It was an arrangement. I tell her all about it and how does she react?

She is not even surprised.

Mom holds my face with her fragile hands when she tells me, "I know you, Ana. I carried you for nine months in my stomach. I know you so well. When you and Christian showed up in our apartment and told us you're getting married, I instantly knew that it wasn't for love. But you know what? The way Christian looks at you? It's like you're the realest thing that has ever happened to him."

I shake my head at that, "No, Mom . . ."

She disagrees, "Ana, he had that look since he brought you home when you were drunk. Years ago in this party? You got drunk and I called over and over again so you would come home. Christian answered the call and he drove you to our apartment and he handed you over to your father's arms. Your father may have never noticed but I saw the way he looked at you that night. It's the same way he looks as you today like you're—"

I finish Mom's sentence for her, "the realest thing that ever happened to him."

She gives me a huge smile—so huge it can blow up my heart.

"Ana?"

"Mom?"

"It will work out between the two of you."

It's time for us to speak in front of our friends and families and I am quite surprised that I haven't been that emotional right now. Then, I slowly realize that it's me who thinks that the world is crashing down on her. The thing is we can't change the world but we can change ourselves and our mindset. I remember how I want the sky to cry with me but today? The sky is not mine. They are Mom's. I know somewhere she's happy and the way the sunlight hugs me with its arms is a proof.

I start my speech, "Hi! I thank you all for being here. My mother's a beautiful woman and she may not be perfect but she tried to be a good person for us. I am going to miss her a lot and I am going to have to get used to looking at my phone without her number. I have to tell myself that she's not here anymore. When I can't sleep, her scent is not going to be there. Well, that's life, right? I love my mother but things end, don't they? We'll all be gone. She just went first."

This time I straighten up my back and stop crying. For the first time since my mother died, I share a smile.

"Knowing Mom, she wouldn't let me talk about her all day. She wants to talk about the people she loves and so I will give my message to the following people:

Dad, you may not have been the luckiest and you know why? Because that's us: We are the luckiest because we have you. You make sure that there's this light inside our home even when things get rough. You've always been my strength. I may not be small anymore but I am still your baby girl.

For Elliott and Ben, you boys are the greatest. Mom loves you two and I do too. Juilliard? I will never regret giving it up. Whenever I feel like thinking how I wasted the opportunity to go there, I just look at both of you and realize that the sacrifice is all worth it. Ben, you fly high, okay? Nana will be very happy when you do. Elliott, do your thing? I love you the way you are.

Elizabeth, don't be like who I was. You're smarter than that. Go ahead and chase your dreams and travel the world and buy everything you want but always remember that it doesn't mean everything. Also, we've had moments when Mom gives me things and she doesn't give you one but I assure you she loves the two of us equally.

And Christian?" My voice cracks.

He looks at me with such strange emotions. At least he has emotions.

Here goes nothing.

"I love you so much. I really love you. I know you know that things are complicated and they're always changing but what I feel for you is constant. You are beautiful and I want nothing more than for you to know that. I love you so much that even though you're dressed in tattered jeans and faded shirt and we're living in an apartment with cockroaches and cobwebs and faded paintings on the wall. Even if you have nothing, you'll still be everything."

A tear slips out from his eyes. Whatever happens now, I won't regret anything.

The sunlight sprawls across the earth even wider this time and that's when I realize that I am new.

This is the new Ana.

A much better Ana.

And maybe, just maybe . . . An Ana strong enough to try to be without Christian.

Author's Note: One of my goals for this story is to have some sort of character development and I gotta say that I really loved writing this chapter.

I read that you cried last chapter and I guess that's my fault. I am sorry but I am glad that you are feeling the story. I don't want you to cry but I don't know. It's like mixed emotions.

THANK YOU!

What do you think?

Margo.