24. Trip Down Memory Lane – Part 2

"Will you just shut up for a moment and listen through the entire story before you start to judge!" Clarke exclaimed in exasperation. She had finally lost her patience with Bellamy after they had been yelling and glaring at each other for a great while now, since it was already starting to become cold and dark. It was a ridiculous fight, even by their standards, and it wasn't like he could change the past no matter how much he disliked her actions.

"Fine," Bellamy scoffed. "But once you are done telling your story, then I will definitely reprimand you big time."

"Geez, I'm not that silly little girl anymore," Clarke looked at him sourly. "So please spare me the reprimanding. Besides I know now how much the consequences for my actions messed things up."

Bellamy went quiet, swallowed deeply like he was nervous before said carefully, "What do you mean messed up things?"

Clarke sighed dejected. It was at that point she was the most ashamed about her past with the Grounders as well as the Mountain Men.

"Just like you, most of the Grounders disagreed about allowing me to be the inside-man due to their distrust in me, but Lexa put her faith in me and allowed me to enter the mountain. So I did and the whole experience…it traumatized me, Bellamy."

Her voice was cracking and she was starting to shake, the memories were floating back. The pain, the fear and the anger were coursing through her like a flashlight. The way the Mountain Men had first treated her was the same way you would treat a doll in a dollhouse. With no way of moving and making decisions on your own as well as hearing the never-ending reassurance how she was safe and they weren't going to kill her, even though they both knew that wasn't the truth. The worst was feeling of the syringe they put in her arm before they drew blood in order to experiment on it like she was a test rabbit. She felt like she had sold her freedom and soul to the cruelest being, which she didn't believe was possible however the experience proved her wrong.

"You told me that was the way they treated you at first, but what happened?" Bellamy asked after hearing her retelling her first experience with the Mountain Men. Clarke closed her eyes. She didn't want her tears to stream down her face and she certainly didn't want Bellamy to see her tears and try and comfort her. She didn't deserve it, especially after everything she had done.

"At first the information I gathered went through to Lexa and the Grounders, but after while the Mountain Men figured out that information was leaking and they found out about me. And lets just say they no longer treated me like a doll after that," Clarke explained, trying to maintain the serious and calm approached. However it was getting harder and harder as the story went along, but she was far too stubborn to give up now. "First they chained me up and did simple things in order get me to talk, but because of my stubbornness their methods escalated into pure torture."

Bellamy's expression turned into fear and concern, and he couldn't imagine what kind of torture they had put her through.

"They tortured you…" Bellamy said quietly, but she wouldn't be deceived by his quietness. "Then the burn mark on your back it was from them torturing you."

Clarke nodded and almost unconscious she placed a hand on her back like she was trying to ease a pain despite the fact that the pain was long gone, but the memories was still present and was at its brink to destroy her from the inside. She was lost in her thoughts when she felt another warm hand on her back and she saw Bellamy comforting her before he pulled her closer to him. His kindness and warmth took her by surprise, but she didn't reject him and instead pulled in even closer to him. Her head was resting on his chest and she could clearly hear his heartbeat beating in even tempo, but it quickly rose due to her touch.

"Thank you," Clarke murmured into his chest. He chuckled awkwardly and used his other hand and ran it through his hair. When she looked up at him for a moment she noticed his cheeks was slightly red, was he embarrassed?

"I'm sorry that all those stuff happened to you," Bellamy whispered. "I wish I could have done something to help you."

She shook her head and said sadly, "There wasn't much you could have done to help me."

"What do you mean? Why didn't the Grounders come for you?" Bellamy said agitated. Clarke sighed once again. Here it comes, the truth behind one of the many reasons why she had hard time to trust others and more importantly incapable to allow herself to be in love.

"Because I wasn't worth to be saved."

Octavia stared at her boyfriend in shock. She had listened to Lincoln explaining Clarke's past and was more and more horrified hearing what had happened to her. And while her horror and shock over everything was great, she was slowly gaining a understanding why Clarke had wanted to keep her past a secret as well as why she wasn't willing to be together with her brother despite her strong feelings for him.

"What do you mean?" Octavia said completely taken back. "She wasn't worth being saved?"

Lincoln nodded. His expression was grave and almost frightful, like he was remembering it all and was ashamed of what was coming next.

"Just before Clarke's cover was blown, my people learned of a missile attack that was coming our way, so Lexa decided that we should flee before the missile arrived," Lincoln said. "We managed to get out, but the injuries were grave. So because we had only a few good people left for a fight the odds were not in our favor to continue an attack against the Mountain Men. So when I asked Lexa on how we were going to get Clarke out of there she only said that it couldn't be helped and that her main priority was her own people."

"In other words she left her there to die," Octavia predicated. She felt great anger towards the Commander, how she was willing to use Clarke and then abandoned her when she truly needed them. No wonder why Clarke was so set against helping the Grounders with the war and more importantly helping Lexa once again. "But if she wasn't saved by Lexa and the Grounders, how in the world did she get out of that mountain?"

"I went against Lexa's order and went in and got her out," Lincoln said quietly. Learning this shocked Octavia even more that her boyfriend risked everything for Clarke just so that she could get out of the mountain alive. It truly showed how much Lincoln cared about Clarke and why he was so loyal to her despite his own people's distrust in her. "It wasn't easy and she was at the brick of death when I found her chained up with blood and sweat streaming down her body in great speed. I guess you could say it was only pure luck that we managed to get out of there alive, but in order to do so we had to take some of the innocent lives inside the mountain. And lets just say the whole experience scared Clarke, the fact that she as a healer took the lives of the Mountain Men without mercy. That experience itself was more than enough to bury her with great guilt of what she had done."

"That's why Clarke is very unwilling to kill anyone," Octavia said in realization. Her hand was instantly placed in front of her mouth like she had done a mistake in saying those words out loud, but Lincoln only confirmed it by nodding his head.

"Yes, however that didn't lighten the burden she held for those lives she took. The whole experience ruined her and she was losing herself to the guilt," Lincoln said sadly. "There was few incidents when I almost found her wanting to give up and die, but luckily we managed to get through it. However because of all this Clarke refused to stay with the Grounders and simply cut all contact with them. She asked for a peace treaty with my people, but she gave us the condition that she would stay out of their way and would offer her medical expertise if we needed it, but she wasn't to be involved with them any further. My people accepted the condition with opposition, but because of my involvement in Clarke's rescue I was exiled from my tribe."

"You were exiled," Octavia didn't like how the Grounders ran things. People shouldn't be punished from trying to save someone they cared about. It almost reminded her of how things were back on the Ark, where they killed her mother because she was born and was hidden underneath the floorboards. No matter if you resided on the Ark or the Ground, both people was capable to do cruel things towards one another and many people lost their lives because of it.

"Yes, but it was no surprise really," Lincoln replied. "I did go against Lexa's order, but despite my exile I still well-liked and is able to enter my village. However for the last few months Clarke and I survived out there in the forest by ourselves before we settled inside the cave where I brought you when I first found you."

Octavia smiled being reminded over their first meeting. It seemed like it was years ago, definitely not days ago, but never mind that since she was truly grateful for meeting both Clarke and Lincoln. So she leaned in and kissed him on the cheek before she pulled back. A few moments later his thumbs was rubbing her cheeks in loving and caressing manner. They stayed like this for a moment before Octavia said tentatively, "What do you think Clarke is going to do about this new development with the Grounders as well us joining the war?"

Lincoln didn't say anything, but it was clear that he was thinking things over carefully he answered.

"I don't know, but I think that by telling your brother the truth he will be able to help her make the right decision without being guided by old grudges and hatred," Lincoln reasoned. Octavia sighed heavily. She could only hope that her brother could indeed help Clarke and maybe even help her to finally be together with him now that he has an understanding about Clarke's feelings.

Bellamy didn't know what to do nor did he know what to say. Slowly the pieces were falling into place, but the complete picture was simply sad. However that didn't change what he felt for Clarke, but it explained why she had rejected him back in the clearing. She was hurt emotionally by the whole experience and add that with what happened back on the Ark it was a wonder how Clarke still managed to stay herself and not lose herself completely to her darkness.

"So now you know pretty much everything," Clarke said quietly. His arms were wrapped around her body as he pulled her even closer to himself. "Can you see why we can't be together? After everything I have done…I don't deserve to be loved."

"No!" Bellamy exclaimed. He buried his face into her hair, which smelled like water and fresh air. "Who we are and who we are supposed to be are two different things. And besides you gave me forgiveness for attempting to shoot Jaha when I needed, now I will do the same for you. I forgive you for what you have done, but please don't say you don't deserve to be loved because hearing those words break my heart."

Clarke looked up to see his face and before he realized what was going on she placed her lips on his and kissed him with a passion.

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Thanks again for the great response I have been receiving, I truly appreciate it. I'm offcially done with my exams, now hopefully I passed them so I don't have to retake them because that would be horrifying. So now I will be able to update more often, however I'm thinking about reducing the amount of updates for each week because I want to be able to work on my other stories too that I have put on hold because of school and this story. But I will get back to you once I have made up my mind.

Please continue giving me reviews, favorite and/or followings, and the next chapter will be out soon enough.

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