Learning to Let Go

Stupid, stupid, STUPID!

It was this thought that plagued Yoruichi's mind throughout the day as she had wandered through the small village with Soi at her side. It had become a mantra, drumming away at the inside of her skull. Constantly reminding her of what a mess she had managed to make of things. She had a headache.

They had finished up at the restaurant last night and, once the rain had stopped, slowly made their way back to the hotel despite the early hour. Yoruichi had forced herself to keep up the pretence of enjoying herself. It had been a struggle to do so, and she had the nagging feeling that she hadn't fooled Soi in the slightest. Every so often she had caught the girl looking at her in an odd, almost sad, way. Guilt and fear had gnawed away at Yoruichi's conscious throughout the night and she hadn't allowed herself to be near, to be with, Soi since she didn't deserve to be.

She had no right to ask, to claim, to take anything from Soi, so she denied herself even the warmth of being close to her.

It was raining again; large heavy drops falling from dark grey clouds. Yoruichi could hear it pounding down on the bridge that she and Soi were currently sheltered under. Yoruichi was leaning against the stone wall, her head bowed and a fresh cigarette perched on her lips. She seemed to be smoking far too much lately; but she figured that it was the only suitable outlet for her tumultuous thoughts. Normally when she was worried, or even slightly bothered by something, she could rely on Kuukaku to advise her. She didn't even need to tell Kuukaku what was wrong, her friend always just knew and had a way of simplifying things so that Yoruichi could easily figure out the right course to take.

Not that she usually followed Kuukaku's advice; she just liked to hear it.

And now she couldn't seek Kuukaku out, her friend was no longer available to her.

'It should have been you.'

Yoruichi closed her eyes and tried to block out the sound of her friend's voice. She lifted her hand to her lips and plucked the cigarette from them, breathing out a long stream of smoke in its wake. The rain wasn't letting up, it was still hammering down. Opening her eyes, Yoruichi could see Soi standing with her back to her, standing near the edge of the bridge. She was watching the rain as it poured down.

Yoruichi wasn't entirely sure why, but seeing Soi standing there made her ache.

She had, rather successfully, trapped herself. She had done it on purpose, leading Soi out here, letting Soi into a very private part of her life, explaining only in part her reasons for bringing Soi out here – it was all a calculated move to trap herself in a situation where she couldn't possibly wheedle out of telling Soi the truth.

Of course she had trapped Soi here with her. If it all ended – and Yoruichi was positive that it would - then Soi was effectively stuck out here. Yoruichi had only realised her mistake the previous night and had been forced to hide some money in Soi's clothes. Yoruichi doubted that Soi would want her to give her a lift home.

...home... meaning her own apartment. Where would Soi go? There seemed to be too many questions and Yoruichi wasn't even sure where to begin considering them.

She brought her cigarette back to her lips and took another drag. She still had her eyes on Soi, who seemed to be very interested in the rain. Yoruichi couldn't help but feel that Soi was deliberately avoiding her.

'She'll not wait forever.'

Shut up Kaien, you're dead. Yoruichi scowled down at her own feet as the memory of Kaien's words echoed through her mind. Easy for him to say, he wasn't the one who had to find a way to explain it all. She wished she hadn't thought of Kaien, it only brought an unpleasant feeling that she was never too sure how to handle.

Dropping her cigarette to the ground she let out a long sigh.

"Something wrong?" Soi asked, turning to face her.

Yoruichi shrugged. "Not really. Just thinking."

"What are you thinking about?"

"Kaien," Yoruichi said and then cringed.

"Oh," Soi turned away again. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Yoruichi wasn't entirely sure that she did. Suddenly everything felt tense. Soi was still looking away, her posture was stiff and her fists clenched. Yoruichi kept her eyes on her, trying to decide what was going on in her mind. Soi had definitely picked up on that Yoruichi was distancing herself from her. In return, the young Chinese girl was acting stand-offish – almost as if she was trying to replicate Yoruichi's actions.

Finally, Yoruichi shrugged. "Not really."

Soi's shoulders slumped. Clearly she had wanted Yoruichi to share her thoughts with her. They remained silent for a moment; Yoruichi desperately wishing she hadn't just smoked her last cigarette. Finally Soi broke the uncomfortable silence.

"How long had you known that Kaien was ill?" She asked. Her arm was snaked around herself, as if she was attempting to hug herself. She turned her head and looked over her shoulder at Yoruichi.

Yoruichi sighed again and pushed herself away from the wall. "A few years," She replied.

Soi nodded and looked back out at the rain.

"He told me on New Year though that he was getting worse," Yoruichi said making her way slowly over to Soi. She was almost afraid to close the distance between them. If she was too close then she would be tempted to touch her, to hold her, and then her resolve to tell the truth would weaken. "It's stupid, we knew that he would eventually get worse, but I was still shocked when he told me. He wasn't responding to the treatment and was declining at a much faster rate than expected."

She stopped next to Soi and watched the small girl, took note of the emotions that played across her face. She was frowning.

"He told you that on New Year?" She asked.

"Yeah."

She turned to face Yoruichi. "On your birthday?" She sounded slightly outraged.

"I don't think he planned it that way," Yoruichi retorted, feeling strangely protective all of a sudden. It almost sounded as if Soi was accusing Kaien of some misdemeanour. There was definitely anger lacing her tone. "He just received some bad news and needed to share it. A burden's easier to bear when shared, right?"

Soi scowled. "That's not the point. He could have talked to someone else. Instead he selfishly dumped his problems on you, on your birthday no less! It isn't right; he shouldn't have ruined your night like that."

Yoruichi opened her mouth to retort, feeling anger brimming at the surface, but then she closed her mouth with a snap. She exhaled and shook her head, a rueful smile playing on her lips.

"I honestly don't know how you manage to be so indignant over these things," She looked out at the rain; not as heavy as before but not looking like it would stop anytime soon. "Given how the rest of the night panned out, his worsening condition was the least of my troubles."

Soi's looked down at her feet. "You were acting different when you came back from speaking to him. You were so happy before then and afterwards..." She trailed off and sighed. Raising her head, she looked at Yoruichi. "It felt like you were trying to avoid me. And ever since that night you've been weird with me. I can understand that you were grieving, but you wouldn't talk to me about it. And even after that, you were distanced. It was like you didn't want me there."

Yoruichi swallowed. "It's been hard month," She said. She wondered if Soi blamed Kaien for Yoruichi's change in behaviour. "What with the attack, Kaien dying, and then Kuukaku not speaking to me. I'm not trying to make excuses but, I'm a little unsure how to deal with it all."

Soi was still scowling. Confusion flickered in her eyes. "Kuukaku's not speaking to you?"

Shit! Yoruichi had clean forgotten that she had neglected to tell Soi about her and Kuukaku's falling out. Now she would have to explain it all.

"Why isn't Kuukaku speaking to you?" Soi questioned.

"Well," Yoruichi felt herself cringing again. She rubbed at her forehead with her thumb. "We haven't been speaking since Kaien's funeral."

"I fucking knew something happened!" Soi seethed. She looked away from Yoruichi, her jaw clenched. "We left in such a hurry and you refused to talk about it. Why didn't you just tell me what happened? You're so stupid!" Soi spun away from Yoruichi, kicking at the ground petulantly.

"I didn't want you to worry," Yoruichi mumbled.

Liar, She mentally chastised herself.

"I worry more when you keep things from me," Soi retorted, looking very annoyed. She let out a short, angry, sigh; calling an end to her mini tantrum. "Why did you fall out?"

"We were talking. About Kaien as if you couldn't guess," Yoruichi started, the words felt like they had to be dragged out of her mouth. "About his... condition. And what she had to deal with. When I was leaving she said something."

"What?"

"It doesn't really matter," Yoruichi felt a strange urge to protect her friend. She was almost positive that Soi would react negatively with what Kuukaku had said. Sighing, Yoruichi licked her lips before replying. "She said that it should have been me."

Soi's face was blank.

"I'm not sure if she meant that I should have been the one who was killed at New Year or if she meant that I should have... That I should, instead of Kaien, I should have been..." Yoruichi's mouth had gone dry. She couldn't finish she realised. She had thought about Kuukaku's words nearly non-stop, she had gone over the implication of what she meant. "All that matters is that..."

She was right

"... I should have been the one who died."

It felt odd to have said it out loud. She felt a little lighter, though there was a strange pressure in her chest and her throat was constricted. She swallowed, willing moisture back into her mouth.

Opposite her, Soi stood perfectly still, her expression blank. Her stormy eyes were locked on Yoruichi's, though the Goddess couldn't read anything in them. Her brow inclined, just ever so slightly.

"I'll kill her," Soi said flatly. She turned and marched out from beneath the bridge and into the rain.

"Huh? Wait, Soi!" Yoruichi turned, watching the younger one stalk off. She had expected Soi to be angry, to make a few blustering threats, but she hadn't expected her to sound so coldly serious.

Yoruichi grimaced as she dashed out from under the bridge and into the rain. Soi wasn't that far ahead, but was walking at a fast pace. Yoruichi closed the gap between them and seized her by the elbow, pulling her to a stop.

"What, are you going to march all the way back to Tokyo?" She demanded.

"I'm just thinking," Soi replied darkly.

"About killing Kuukaku?"

"Yes. With a shovel."

"Why a shovel?" Yoruichi knew that it was the wrong question to ask, but she couldn't help but satisfy her own curiosity.

Soi tipped her head to the side, gazing off into the distance, no doubt running the murder scenario through her mind. "It's multi-functional. I can kill her with it and then dig her grave. It means I have fewer tools to carry."

"Oh," Yoruichi let go of Soi's arm. Unsure if Soi was joking or not, Yoruichi was starting to feel a little frightened. "Look, I'm not angry with Kuukaku."

"I am."

"Yes, I can see that," Yoruichi muttered. She swiped her now wet hair back from her face, silently cursing the rain. "Let's just leave it, okay?"

Soi shook her head. "She shouldn't have said it."

"But she was-"

"Don't you dare say she was right!" Soi yelled. "Why are you just accepting this? Aren't you angry?"

"No. I understand where she was coming from," Yoruichi explained quietly. "It's only natural. She blames me for his death. After all it was my fault."

"No it wasn't!"

"It was. If I had-"

"If, if if!" Soi cried. "When did you start second guessing yourself? You never questioned your actions before. The only person to blame for Kaien's death was Kaien himself."

Yoruichi's eyes widened at that. She stared at Soi, trying to ascertain if the girl had meant it. Her eyes were locked on Yoruichi's in grim determination. Yoruichi could feel the familiar anger that only Soi seemed to be able to coax out of her brimming at the surface.

She opened her mouth to reply, possibly to angrily yell at Soi for insulting the memory of her friend, but the girl spoke first.

"Stop being so self-centred," She said her voice low. "It wasn't your fault and you know it."

Yoruichi's mouth closed with a snap. It was as though Soi's words had taken away her wind. She couldn't think what to say, it was as if her mind had gone shockingly blank. Instead she stepped back from Soi and looked away. She felt cold. Her hair, wet from the rain, was plastered to her face and neck.

She shivered.

"Are you okay?" Soi asked. All the fire she had exhibited earlier seemed to have burned out. Her voice sounded tentative, and she seemed to be shrinking in on herself.

"No," Yoruichi sighed. "I'm not okay."

She didn't think she'd been less okay in her entire life. It all felt wrong; backwards and completely out of order. Self-centred? She hadn't thought of it that way. Was she being conceited by monopolising the guilt?

Did she really believe that Kaien's death was her fault? Or was it only that she thought that was what she should be feeling?

She closed her eyes and thought back to that fateful night.

"...Yoruichi..?"

Something small and cold took hold of Yoruichi's hand. She opened her eyes and glanced down; Soi's hand held her own. Yoruichi let out several shaky breaths as she raised her head to look at Soi, to see the confusion and worry etched in her small face.

I'm sorry, Kaien

Slowly, Yoruichi extricated her hand from Soi's. "You're right. I was being conceited."

Soi's eyes widened slightly.

"It wasn't my fault that he was killed," She continued. "I was using it as a shield. Because it was easier for me to hide behind the guilt of that than to-" She broke off, unable to finish her sentence.

Another juddering breath escaped her. Quickly she walked away from Soi, leaving the hard tarmac of the road behind as she marched up the soggy bank that waylaid the road. She knew Soi was following her, she didn't need to look back, she could almost sense her presence. A couple of times she nearly lost her footing on the sodden grass.

She stopped suddenly. She could feel cool water trickle down the neck of her coat and down her back.

'So, when you going to tell Shaolin you love her?'

"I-" She didn't know where to start. All of her thoughts were jumbled. "I shouldn't have dragged you out here."

Turning, Yoruichi found Soi standing a couple of paces away. Her arms were hanging by her sides and she wore an unreadable expression on her face.

"It was selfish of me. But I am selfish."

Soi frowned slightly at her words but made no move to speak or to close the distance between them. Yoruichi was absurdly grateful for it; she didn't think she'd be able to cope if Soi was any closer to her.

"I'm not, I don't..." Yoruichi swallowed. She couldn't find the words she was looking for. Instead she looked at Soi; standing there soaked to the skin and scowling - and she ached. She wanted to tell her that her that she should smile more because it made her shine brighter than the sun, that she looked beautiful standing there in the rain with her hair plastered over her face, but she couldn't find the words.

"I don't want to make excuses but I am not a nice person. I've made mistakes, and I think that mine are possibly worse than others."

Soi's expression had changed to one of dread as though she knew what Yoruichi was going to say. Her whole body seemed to be caving in on itself. Her eyes were screwed shut and her head lowered her whole body tense as though she was expecting a fatal blow to be delivered.

Yoruichi could do nothing but steel herself. Her heart had lurched up into her throat and her stomach squirmed uncomfortably.

This is it, Kaien

There is no putting it off any longer, she realised. She had to do this.

Now.

"I love you."

She could still feel the rain lightly against her skin. Her eyes widened as she heard her own words. She looked to Soi and found looking equally as wide eyed in surprise.

"W-what?" Soi raised her head, daring to look at Yoruichi.

Yoruichi's heart was fluttering in her chest. It felt good. It felt warm. She took several breaths, marvelled at the feeling and at the sudden revelation her words had caused within herself.

"I – I love you," She repeated her eyes finding Soi's. A small breathless laugh escaped her and she found herself smiling. "I love you."

She hadn't meant to say it. She had intended to keep her feelings to herself, but now that she had let it slip she never wanted to recall them. She felt suddenly lighter, like a huge weight had been lifted from her back. And in response to this she straightened up, squaring her shoulders back. She tilted her head back and let the rain wash over her face.

And just like that she felt so many of her worries and fear and her doubts wash away. Everything felt clearer, that little bit simpler. She was about to share her revelation with Soi, or perhaps to tell her that she loved her again, when she was pre-empted by something hard thumping into her chest. She staggered back, her feet slipping on the muddy earth, and she found herself lying flat on her back and staring up at the grey sky.

She winced, pushing herself up and into a sitting position. Raising her head she found Soi standing before her, head bowed and both her hands outstretched in front of her.

"Okay, Ow," Yoruichi mumbled.

She could hear Soi's ragged breaths, could see the way her body shook and trembled and Yoruichi felt her brief joy melt away with worry.

"You can't – You just," Soi's arms dropped to her sides and she clenched her fists even as she quivered with what was looking more and more like fury. "You're so stupid!" she finally cried and Yoruichi flinched back from her.

"Soi, I..."

"Shut up!" Soi shouted. She was still shaking, her grey eyes now glaring at Yoruichi. "That's why you've been acting weird? Why you've been running away from me? Why do you have to do everything backwards?"

Yoruichi scrambled onto her knees, slipping in the mud as tried to move closer to Soi.

"You are so stupid," Soi repeated her earlier insult; her anger seemed to be fading. Her breaths were still ragged and she was still trembling. She exhaled, her head dropped and her shoulders sagged in defeat. "I thought that you were going to leave me."

She dropped to her knees before Yoruichi, her head resting on her shoulder.

Instinctively Yoruichi's arms wrapped around her and pulled her close, held her securely.

"I would never leave you," Yoruichi murmured. "I love you, Soi. I would never leave you."

She felt Soi stiffen in her arms and then relax, a shudder wracking her small body as she buried her face further into Yoruichi's shoulder.

Yoruichi felt her smile return. "Are you crying?"

"No," Soi mumbled, her shoulders still shaking.

"Liar," Yoruichi laughed softly. She took Soi's face in her hands, her thumbs brushing across her tear streaked cheeks and brought her closer so that she could rest her forehead against hers. She stayed like that for a moment. She felt her heart jump when Soi's hand closed over her own and then settle warmth spreading though her.

She kissed her gently and didn't even notice that it was still raining.

Well, it wasn't all that depressing, but nor was it unreasonably cheerful. Probably just the right mix.

Thank you for reading, and please leave a review on your way out ^^