2/26/06

Title: Regrets
Author: Raya
Theme: Usagi &/or Mamoru (Optional: "It is better to sleep on things beforehand than lie awake about them afterward." -- Baltasar Gracian)
Genre: Drama
Version: PGSM
Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: All of the characters used below were created by Takeuchi Naoko and Bandai Entertainment. I have merely converted them into paper cutouts to play with for a little while.

Regrets

"Usagi-chan!"

Usagi bolted up-right in bed, clenching her sheets and comforter to her chest. Her dark eyes were wide and haunted, and her breathing was ragged. She stared around the dark room for a moment as if she didn't recognize it, and then slowly let herself collapse back with a soft sigh. Curled up in a ball on the desk, Luna slumbered on.

Usagi looked towards the dark purple plushie, and then towards her window. The light of the moon made the light fabric of the curtains glow softly. She turned, curled one slim arm under her pillow, and stared sadly at the light.

Almost every night, the memories invaded her dreams. The sword in her hands. The hard ground under her feet as she ran forward. The physical shock of the sword piercing Mamoru's heart. Her friends' cries of anguish and denial as she did what they could not.

And then, it got worse. Mamoru had already been dead. She knew that. She had known it before she had started her final charge. But, the shock of actually killing his body, of seeing him collapse had been more than she could bear. She had fled into the depths of her heart to escape the pain and agony.

Slowly, tears began to trickle unnoticed down Usagi's face. The soft glow of the hidden moon seemed to seek them out and glaze them with a muted golden silver.

She had forgotten. She had forgotten that she had what Ami called a split personality. She had forgotten that her other self, the Princess, did not care about anything except her precious Endymion. She had forgotten that she needed to calm and soothe her other self. She had been hurting too much to remember or to care.

And at the time, the other's madness had seemed perfectly sane. Mamoru was dead. Endymion was dead. Light had gone out of the world, and everything that was left seemed an abomination because it lived while he did not. And she was the worst abomination of all because she had killed him.

Suddenly, Usagi realized that she was crying. She reached up with her free hand and tried to wipe away the tears.

If only she had been stronger. If only she could have controlled the Crystal. Maybe then, Metallia would not have grown so strong, and he could have controlled it the way he had planned. But she was weak, and in the end her weakness had cost him his life and his body.

The memories did not stop there, though. She remembered the looks on her friends' faces. Like Mamoru, Minako was already gone, but Ami, Rei, and Makoto had looked both anguished and terrified. When she had walked away, intent on joining Mamoru in death, they had followed.

She had sent youma after them. She shuddered as she remembered that. She was no better than Metallia. She had sent youma to attack her friends, to keep them from stopping her. At the time, she had seen them only as obstacles, but now she remembered every cut, every burn that those youma had given the three senshi.

And she remembered their faces. She remembered Sailor Mercury's, no, Ami's anguished cry as she finally released the great power of the Crystal and destroyed the world.

She had regretted it as soon as the burning power exhausted itself. She still regretted it. She did not know why they had called her back, why their souls had yearned for a murderess like her to return.

Maybe it was because they did not remember. Somehow, when she had recreated the world and reset time, she had changed their memories. Usagi frowned as the image of a tall woman hidden in shadows flashed through her mind.

No, her friends no longer remembered that they had once been senshi. They did not remember any of the battles. And they certainly did not remember her betrayal. And while she missed the extra closeness those times had brought, changing their memories was the one thing she did not regret.

Usagi brushed at her tears again, and sniffled loudly. 'Never again,' she resolved. 'Never again will I act without thinking about the consequences. Papa is always saying that all important decisions should be slept on. That's what I am going to do from now on.' Resolutely, she nodded her head and turned over to lie on her back.

Sleep would be a long time in coming, she knew. She decided to use the time deciding what to wear to the airport to see Ami off to the American medical school she had been chosen to attend.

*~*~*~*~*~*

A/N: Canon says nothing about the senshi losing their memories, although it does imply that time has been reset. That twist was my own invention for my story Lonely Harp (.net/s/2525401/1/).