Before the Boy Who Lived
Disclaimer: Nope.
Chapter 25: Diary
"Lay your head on my pillow,
Here you can be yourself.
No one needs to know what you are feeling.
No one…but me and you.
Oooh, I won't tell your secrets.
Your secrets are safe with me.
I will keep your secrets.
Just think of me as the pages of your diary."
(Diary, Alicia Keys)
It seemed to me that Christmas break was over before it really even started. In the blink of an eye, I was back at Kings Cross Station on Platform 9 ¾, looking futilely for my friends.
"Hey Lily, over here!" a voice called over the loud warning whistle of the train and the corresponding roar of the crowd. Grinning, I turned to see Cami and Adara pushing their way toward me.
"Watch it!" Adara snarled in a uniquely Adara-like way as she pushed some innocent bystanders out of the way. When she and Cami finally reached me, she squealed and threw herself at me for a hug, exclaiming, "Lillers!"
"Hi guys!" I laughed, hugging her in return before inquiring, "And just how were your Christmas vacations?"
"Brilliant!"
"Boring."
Shaking my head, I replied with a smile, "One at a time, please!"
"Oh! Oh! Me first!" Adara cried eagerly, bouncing up and down on the spot with her hand in the air. I shot a rather exasperated look at Cami. "Sugar quills?"
She nodded solemnly, having trouble keeping a straight face. "Sugar quills," she confirmed.
"A whole bag full!" Adara exclaimed gleefully.
Just as I was about to ask where she had gotten this bag of sugar quills and what imbecile was thick enough to let Adara, of all people, eat every last one of them, she abruptly stopped bouncing. Okay. Weird. A second later, the blissful, sugar induced smile fell off her face and a deep scowl slowly took its place. Apparently, this sudden change was due to something that she had seen just over my left shoulder.
Cami raised an eyebrow. "Right. What's got into—oh."
All right, now I was thoroughly confused. Though the reactions were very different (Adara looked positively murderous whereas Cami looked more like she wanted to fall off a cliff) whatever it was that was over my left shoulder had to be incredibly important.
A knot formed in my stomach as I turned and caught sight of what they had seen. Of course. What else could have elicited such strong reactions from both of them? It was Natalie, standing not too far away in the midst of a crowd of older, laughing Slytherins. Lovely. A fight would be the perfect way to start the second half of the school year.
Evidently, Adara had thoughts along the same lines, because she sort of growled, allowing me to catch sight of her sharp vampire teeth for the first time, and angry sparks shot out of her wand.
"Adara," I said in a warning tone, "Cool it."
She just gaped at me in disbelief. "Lily, just look at her! You can't expect me to just let her—"
"That is exactly what I expect you to do," I replied firmly, "She'll come around sooner or later? Do you think those Slytherins are really interested in being her friends? No. When she sees that, she'll apologize. Right now, we'd better get on the train, or all the compartments are going to be full.
"But Liiiily…" she whined, pulling at my sleeve.
"No buts," I answered, noting with relief that the pack of Slytherins and Natalie had disappeared from our view. Maybe that would allow Cami and Adara to relax a bit. With that, the three of us trudged on board the train.
And surprise, surprise, I was right---nearly all the compartments were full. Unfortunately, the only one left with an iota of extra room was occupied by the Marauders. This should certainly be interesting.
We had been riding the train for a good hour. Peter, Sirius and Cami were absorbed in what was turning out to be a very competitive game of exploding snap while James lost (badly) to Remus in a game of Wizard's Chess. I had elected to read a book, as usual, and Adara sat next to me, arms crossed over her chest as she muttered under her breath and glared so fiercely at the seat opposite her I half expected it to burst into flames.
"Who does she think she is, huh?" Adara growled, drumming her fingers on her knee.
Sirius rolled his eyes, and without taking his eyes off the towering castle of cards before him, asked, "who's on your hit list now Sadaat?"
Turning her glare to him, she replied, "Not that it's any business of yours, Black, but I was thinking about Natalie. She's becoming a Slytherin, for Merlin's sake."
James made a face. "Yeah, what is up with her lately?"
Cami sighed, leaning back against the seat, covering her eyes with her hand. "I have no idea."
"There's one thing that I just don't get," I broke in seriously, laying my book down on my lap, "What would a bunch of Slytherins want with Natalie anyway? I mean, she's a Muggleborn. It just doesn't add up."
I glanced around the compartment to see the other's reactions. What concerned me the most, however, was Remus, who was staring pensively out the window, not even taking notice as James' pawn destroyed his queen, causing James to launch into a victory dance. Right when I was about to ask what was wrong, I was distracted as Adara leaped over me and got into yet another row with Sirius.
Brace yourselves ladies and gentlemen—we're entering World War III.
"Sadaat, you're just overreacting, like you always do! Merlin, get a grip!"
Her eyes flashed. Eeep. Take cover!
"Oh?' she replied sweetly, taking a step closer to Sirius, "Overreacting, am I? Need to 'get a grip' do I? Oops!" she chirped innocently as she pulled a single card out of the bottom of the Exploding Snap card castle. Sirius' eyes widened dramatically as the whole thing started to topple in his direction.
"Sadaat you bi—"
BOOM!
Oh dear. I do hope Sirius wasn't too attached to his eyebrows.
It was a couple of weeks into February, and so far, the situation with Natalie had yet to improve. In fact, I'd venture t say that it was getting worse.
In the beginning of the year, Natalie was always sad, always apologizing for something. After Natalie met that rat Lestrange, she became bitter and mean, almost as if she was a completely different person. I still couldn't fathom what would bring about that change. Now, however, just to make things worse, it was as if she were bipolar.
Being around Natalie anymore was like walking through a field of hidden landmines. You could never tell exactly what would happen, but you had the gut feeling that it would be bad. Very bad. If Natalie didn't burst into tears, she was hurling insults at you.
The only difference I was able to find about her between the times she was upset, and you could almost see the old Natalie shine through in her eyes, and the times she was mean or angry was that whenever the latter was the case, she was wearing that blasted green pendant. Part of me knew that it probably didn't matter at all, but the other part of me couldn't help but wonder…
One day, I was strolling through the cold courtyard to see Hagrid when I heard loud laughter accompanied by terrified cries of a young student. I rounded the corner just in time to see Natalie use a spell to flip a first year upside down in the air while a bunch of Slytherins looked on cheerfully.
"Natalie!" I shrieked, running into the center of the group without a second thought, "What do you think you're doing? For Merlin's sake, put him down!"
Natalie spun around and for a split second, I could have sworn that her eyes were glowing the same green as the pendant hanging around her neck. She blinked and I sighed, noticing her eyes had returned to their normal midnight blue. "Why should I?" she sneered in a very Slytherin-like way.
"Why should you?" I asked incredulously, "Oh I don't know, maybe because torturing a poor little first year for no apparent reason is totally mental! Let him down!"
THUMP.
The frightened first year fell to the ground and then scampered off as fat as he could. It was then that I realized I had placed myself in a less than desirable position. I was surrounded by a bunch of Slytherins, most of whom were at least twice my size, in a deserted courtyard, without my wand. Just smashing, don't you think?
"So, I suppose I'll just be…going…" I trailed off weakly, trying to sneak away.
"Don't think so, Evans," Bellatrix Black laughed as she shot a full body bind my way, trapping me. Oh, Merlin.
Bellatrix grinned, first at Natalie and then at me. As she advanced toward me, wand raised, she chuckled, "Oooh, this is going to be fun."
"Bellatrix!" a voice said warningly, "Don't even think about it."
Rodolphus Lestrange pushed his way through the crowd, and I think I was almost glad to see him until he wrapped his arm around Natalie with a smirk and said, "We can't have Dumbledore's little pet scampering off to tell on us, can we?"
Bellatrix scowled at him. The strange thing is, I think it had more to do with the fact that Lestrange had his arm around a Gryffindor, and a Muggleborn no less, than the fact the he was telling her what to do. Someone was jealous.
"Fine," she muttered, lifting the spell before stalking off toward the castle. Lestrange looked after her and smirked knowingly.
"Boys, Natalie, would you give Miss Evans and I a moment please?" he asked smoothly. Lovely. Now what had I gotten myself into? Natalie kissed him on the cheek and left with the other Slytherins, leaving me alone in the courtyard with Lestrange. Hoo-rah.
"You know Evans," he began, slipping an arm around my shoulders, "there's something I like about you. Even if you are a Mudblood."
"I'm honored," I replied sarcastically, shoving his arm away, "There's pretty much nothing that I like about you."
He smirked as I began to walk away. "What, are you jealous that Natalie prefers me to you and your filthy friends?"
He so did not just say that.
"You," I began, turning and approaching him angrily, my voice steadily rising, "Are the most pompous, prejudiced, manipulating, moronic person that I have ever met in my life! In fact, you're so incredibly pathetic that you can't get a girlfriend your own age, oh no, you have to come up with thee plans to seduce poor unsuspecting twelve year olds! How sad," I cooed before glaring and whispering, "You do not scare me Lestrange. And let me tell you something. I'm watching you. Stay away from Natalie, and stay away from my friends."
With that, I spun around and left for Hagrid's hut, leaving him seething. It wasn't until later, when I was sipping tea with Hagrid that I realized exactly what I had said. Bugger.
Do you know what it feels like to rob a bank? I do. HOLD IT! Don't get too carried away folks. I wasn't stupid enough to attempt to rob Gringotts or anything like that. No, what I've done isn't even really against the law.
So why does it feel so wrong?
I've taken Natalie's diary. Don't look at me like that! Honestly, what else could I do? She brought it upon herself, when you really think about it. This is the only way to find out what's been going on…something could be seriously wrong! I'm only doing this because I'm worried sick about her. WE all are, even Adara, no matter how much she tries to deny it.
What I'm doing, I'm doing out of concern as her friend. There's nothing wrong with that. Right?
Focus, Lily! With a sigh, I looked down at the book in my lap, running my fingers over its leathery cover. To open or not to open, that is the question.
After debating the issue with myself for a few more moments, I waved my wand over the book, unlocking it. With another sigh, I opened it to a page toward the middle and began to read.
October 3, 1972
Dear Journal,
I hate this! I hate my life, I hate my parents, and I hate myself. Worst of all, I hate feeling this way. I know I shouldn't. There are people all around me with lives that are a million times worse than mine, and yet I'm the one sitting here, crying like a baby.
Honestly, I'm probably just being stupid. As always. I just wish I was special…the best at something. Anything. I wish I were as smart as Lily or as pretty as Adara, or as brave a Cami. But I'm not. Lord knows Dad won't let me forget that. I'm just a nobody.
What if they don't like me anymore? After what I said to them at breakfast the other day… why would they? I can't loose them. I don't want to be alone. I'm not—I'm not strong enough.
This isn't fair! I just can't do this anymore! I've tried everything, and nothing works. Why can't this pain just go away? Why can't it all just stop? I want to be happy. Is that such a terrible thing?
A single tear fell down my cheek, landing on the page amongst countless other tear marks that presumably belonged to Natalie. My hands were shaking so badly, I had to close the journal and put it down next to me to avoid dropping it. I covered my face with my hands.
Reading that page in Natalie's journal was like talking to myself last year. I couldn't believe Natalie felt that way. She was feeling the same pain that I had felt. No one should ever have to feel that way.
How did I not see it?
"Oh Natalie," I whispered, laying my head against the cool stone wall behind me, "What's going on?"
"Evans. Evans. Evaaaaaaaans. Ev-"
"Black!" I hissed, slamming the heavy book shut, "What do you want? I'm right here!"
"We're in the library, Evans!"
Nothing gets past Sirius Black, huh?
A few days after I had acquired Natalie's journal, Sirius, James, and Peter had decided that it would be the perfect time to resume our research on Animagi. That morning on my way to breakfast, I had been kidnapped by one Sirius Black and dragged down to the library, which under any other circumstances would be a fine place to be. And I had been there ever since. This, consequently, meant that I had yet to take another look at Natalie's journal. Or eat. Soooooooooo hungry!
"Hey, Evans?"
Merlin help me.
"What, Black?" I drawled, "What could be so incredibly important that it forced you to interrupt my soliloquy?" He looked at me as if I were deranged. I grinned.
"Never mind," he squeaked, "C-carry on!" Chuckling under my breath, I turned to the next enormous volume.
After scouring every last line in that bloody book for any helpful information, I looked up only to see the sun setting outside the window. Had we really been in the library all day? That's got to be a record even for me!
I groaned when I realized how many big (heavy) books I had to put away before I could head don to dinner. "Oi!" I hissed at the boys who ere sitting at the next table, "Would one of you be a dear and put these books away for me when you leave? I'm starving!"
"Fat chance, Evans!" they laughed.
Grr.
Scooping up as many books as I could carry, I started walking toward their respective bookcase. I froze. For a moment there, I could have sworn someone was watching me…but when I turned around, the boys were all absorbed in their work, and there was no on else in the immediate area. With a shrug, I continued on my way.
I paused again, stopping in front of a very tall oak bookcase. What was that odd creaking noise?
"Evans! Watch out!"
Suddenly, I was shoved out of the way by a messy haired blur that I was pretty sure to be James Potter. I scrambled to my feet and pushed my hair out of my eyes.
"James Potter you—"
CRASH!
Oh. Dear. Lord.
The bookcase had fallen over. On James. I brought a hand to my cheek and screamed, joining the cries of Sirius, Peter, Madam Pince, and various other students that had been attracted by the sound, scrambling to pull James out from underneath the bookcase.
"We have to get him to the hospital Wing!" someone cried as he was pulled, unconscious, from beneath the mess.
My legs gave out from underneath me, and suddenly I was on the floor, still starting with horror and awe at the sight unfolding before me. Though I was still very shocked and confused, there was one thing I almost instinctively knew for sure.
That bookcase was supposed to have fallen on me.
A/N: What do you think?