Some weeks previously….
"Is this really necessary?" Pizyap glanced down at the explosive harness, looking distinctly uncomfortable. It had not one, not two, not three, but a full dozen felsteel charges wired to it, despite being imp sized.
"Of course it is," Wilfred said, not bothering to look up from the forms on his clipboard. "Minion, have you perfected the resummoning spell?"
"I think so," Hermione said, adjusting Pizyap's harness as the imp nervously fidgeted. "But I haven't had a chance to test it yet. It should allow me to recall Pizyap almost immediately from the twisting nether. We'll just need a chance to test it."
"You could just dismiss me," the imp offered, trying and failing to undo the harness. "Then summon me again. Really, blowing me up first isn't required."
"Don't be silly, we have to field test your harness as well," Hermione said, shaking her head. "Now we just have to find some undead and we can begin our survey mission."
"There is a disappointing lack of undead so far," K Lee agreed, putting the last case of explosives on their mule. "How are we supposed to have a control group if the only undead we can find are the forsaken?"
"At least we could use them to test out if the Impinator 4000 works," Hermione suggested. "The apothecary camp isn't too far from here."
"An excellent place to start," K Lee agreed. "From there we can head into the Dragonblight. I've heard there are lots of undead there!"
The trio of gnomes (and very reluctant imp) departed from Westguard and headed north west up the coastline of the Fjord. Their progress was slow, for both K Lee and Hermione stopped constantly to check for new mineral deposits. They're tried to search Whisperwind Gorge, but because it drove everyone who entered it insane they had not been able to find anything. Not because they hadn't tried to get in, but because the already insane prospectors had kept stealing their ore and driving them off. Hermione hadn't even minded the maddening whispers: it had been nice to have someone else to talk to.
While traveling, the group found only deposits of cobalt ore. While somewhat useful, it lacked any real special properties aside from being a key ingredient in several explosive recipes. It was interesting enough to make several new varieties of bombs (much to Pizyap's growing consternation) but ultimately did not forward their Social Explosiveering research project very much. Hermione did try to interview several shovel horns to collect some base data, but the animals caught one whiff of the scent of fel corruption on her and scattered to the wind.
And so, it was with little research data that the trio arrived at the Royal Apothecary Society forward base camp after two days of traveling. Most people would have been disturbed at the blighted soil that surrounded the camp, horrified by the twisted and diseased corpses that littered the ground nearby, and ran in terror at the gibbets displaying the tortured remains of several vrykul. The gnomes and Hermione just saw an excellent research opportunity.
Not even bothering to hide their approach, the three waltz right up to the camp with their pack mule in tow, much to the astonishment of the forsaken guardians.
"Come no further, scum!" an apothecary with a metal mask and a plaguespreader on his back warned the group. "We are conducting important research here! So unless you want to be my test subjects for my plague strain, begon!"
Instead of fleeing like any sensible being, Hermione and K Lee's faces lite up with delight.
"Really? You're giving out free samples?" K Lee asked excitedly.
"How much can we have? Is there some sort of limit?" Hermione demanded, reaching forward for the plague spreader on the apothecaries back.
"I-what? No!" the apothecary jerked back, holding the nozzle of his spreader above his head as Hermione tried to take it from him. "I meant I'd expose you to the plague and melt your flesh from your bones! Please, this is very important for my research into plague virulence!"
"Oh, well, I'd have to advise against that," Hermione said, lowering her hands and taking out a clipboard and quill. "Any attempt to disrupt our research efforts will result in a sudden and unfortunate demise on the part of anyone so impinging on the scientific process."
"I have already died once! I fear not the grave," the forsaken sneered, lowing his weapon. "And I would never interfere with the scientific process! To be an apothecary is to be at the forefront of scientific research."
"Truly?" K Lee asked, whipping out her own clipboard."Have you lost all fear of death? On a scale of 1 to 5 with one being an extreme fear and 5 being a complete lack of fear, how would you rate your fear of death?"
The apothecary scratched his head in confusion. "Um, well, I mean, that was a tad hyperbolic on my part I suppose. I guess if you're really asking for the sake of science, I suppose I'd have to say it's more of a two."
"What about when you were alive? That is, before you were resurrected as an undead. How would you rate your fear then?" Hermione prompted. "And for legal reasons, I must inform you that this survey is confidential, no personally identifying information will be retained in our records or sold. This information is to better understand the state of unlife/life and how explosiveering can help with the transition between the two."
"Oh, explosiveering? Hmm, I wonder if that's a course offered at the Royal Apothecary College?" the Forsaken mused. "Well, I would say when I was a pathetic human, my fear of death was really around a four, possibly a five."
"We need you to be certain sir. Was it a four, or a five?" Hermione demanded.
"Ah, put me down as a four. I think it was more concerned of embarrassing myself in front of my friends and family really," the apothecary admitted.
"Apothecary Grick!" an angry voice shouted. "What in the Dark Ladies name are you doing? Dispose of these interlopers at once!"
A new forsaken came around the corner, this one in the guard of a Death Guard. She was holding up a wicked looking sword and advancing on the gnomes with a menacing gleam in her eyes.
"Oh but Bertha, these are just some fellow researchers doing a scientific survey. Surely I can kill them after they've finished their research? After all, what are we in Northrend to do but further advance our own science of plague research?" Grink asked, a pleading tone in his voice. "This Explosiveering sounds very promising. Imagine if we could combine it with-"
Wilfred stepped forward, flexing his tiny muscles. "Ma'am, I must warn you, before you stands the mightiest summoner of demons ever to walk Azeroth, none other than Wilfred Fizzlbanks, Master of the Dark Arts and Doctorate of Demonology!"
"Oh, my Phd is in Epidemiology!" Grick said excitedly. "Tell me, did you manage to secure any research grants for your project? Let me tell you, it's been positively cut throat at the College lately, what with all the new ideas for our modified plague competing. It took me a full year to secure all my funding."
"We did receive a grant from the Gnomish College of Explosions and Other Engineering," Hermione said proudly. "I helped write the grant myself. Pizyap, if that Death Guard takes one more step, blow her up."
"Do I really have to?" Pizyap whined. "Can't you just like melt her face with curses or something?"
The Death Guard snarled and sprang forward, and despite his best efforts, Pizyap found himself jumping to meet her.
"NoooooOooooo!"
BOOM!
When the dust settled, nothing but a pair of boots with tibia's sticking out of them remained. Of the imp, there was no sign by a faint whiff of sulfur."
"Oh, that was a rather impressive explosion. I especially like your use of a suicide bomber to deliver the payload. I wonder if such an apparatus would have any use as a plague delivery vehicle," Grick mused, dropping his plaguespreader to take out a pair of spectacles and some parchment as he furiously wrote down notes.
"Now to see if if the ritual will work," Hermione said. Taking a deep breath, she drew out a soul crystal she'd harvested from one of the insane prospectors (he hadn't looked much the worse for wear with his soul suckd out anyway, and besides Hermione and some lingering anger issues in regards to dwarves). She quickly drew a ritual circle in the ground, and began the ritual. "01100110 01110010 01101111 01101101 00100000 01010011 01010101 01001101 01001101 01001111 01001110 01011111 01010100 01000001 01000010 01001100 01000101 00100000 01110011 01100101 01101100 01100101 01100011 01110100 00100000 01001001 01001101 01010000 00100000 01110011 01110000 01100101 01100011 01101001 01100110 01111001 01011111 01101111 01100010 01101010 01100101 01100011 01110100 00100000 01010000 01001001 01011010 01011001 01000001 01010000."
"Ah, excellent use of SQL," Grick commented. "Personally I prefer Java Quick Summons."
A purple void appeared, and a moment later Pizyap popped out, screaming hysterically. This continued for several moments after the imp appeared, with poor Pizyap standing rigidly straight with his hands over his eyes.
"Pizyap? Pizyap! PIZYAP! Ugh, imp, I order you to be silent!"
Pizyap immediately stop screaming, though he did start shivering and tugging at his ears with his talons.
"Well, did it work?" Hermione prompted.
The imp swallowed. "If...if I tell you it didn't, that I'm not Pizyap, will you make me put on the harness again?"
"Yes," Hermione said.
"Then I am Pizyap, and you won't make be blow myself up again?" the imp asked hopefully.
In response, Wilfred gleefully strapped a new explosive vest to the imp, who whimpered in fear.
Just then a new group of forsaken ran over, bearing plague spreaders and vials of acid. "Grick, what in the Dark Ladies name is going on?"
"Ah, Anastasia, Celina, Samuel, these are some fellow researchers here to invent new and creative ways to destroy their enemies! I've just been taking a survey to help them with their research project," Grick explained.
The other apothecaries stopped, eyeing the crater worriedly. "What happened to Death Guard Bertha?"
"She was standing in the way of scientific progress," K Lee said mournfully. "Sadly, for the good of the future of Social Explosiveering, she had to be removed."
"Social Explosiveering?" Anastasia asked. "Is that anything like my research into social engineering to get long incubation period plagues to spread farther in small communities?"
"Oh, I've always been interested in explosiveering!" Samuel declared. "I bet we could combine that with my new plague shells to unleash a devastating plague upon our foes!"
Soon, all four apothecaries were happily filling out survey cards and sharing their own ideas for the future of explosiveering.
"I must say, the concept of using social explosiveering to ease people into the transition into unlife is a very marketable one," Grick mused when it was time for the gnomes to depart. "Really, you should come to the Undercity sometime and present your research into this field at the Royal Apothecary Society. I'm sure Lady Sylvanas and Grand Apothecary Putress will be most interested in your findings."
"Why, if you're at the Wrathgate in two weeks time, I'm certain he'd be happy to hear whatever research you've uncovered so far," Celina opined.
Samuel nodded. "Of course, you do have to promise that you wouldn't interfer with his own research project in testing the plagues effectiveness on both mortals and Scourge."
"We will always honor the honest scientific endeavours of all those who pave brave new pathways forward," Hermione assured the apothecaries. "Are you certain that we can't have just a small sample of plague?"
Celina shook her head sadly. "We're still under an NDA until Putress lifts the ban. But I'm certain he'd be more than happy to give you as much as you want after he lifts it on his attack on our allies and enemies alike."
"Sounds like an excellent research opportunity!" K Lee declared. "Thank you so much for your efforts in assisting our research project. Have a wonderful day!"
The research group left, waving goodbye merrily as the stepped over the scattered remains of the apothecaries former friend.
"Dark Lady watch over you!" Grick called as the group left. He smiled, tapping the rotting remains of his chin. "You know, we really must kill a few gnomes and raise them as parodies of their formers selves. I think they could really energize the field of Plague Research."
/\/\\/\/\/\/\/\/\\/\/\/\/\\/\\/\/\\/\/
The Wrathgate was through the Dragonblight, and so into the Dragonblight Hermione and her companions ventured. Once they left the Howling Fjord, there were far more opportunities to interview the undead, much to Pizyap's consternation. Their first encounter was at the Forgotten Shore, the sight where Arthas had burned his troops ships and framed the mercenaries he had hired for doing so. There had been a slaughter there, and the spirits of those slain were bound there as ghosts.
Sadly, ghosts turned out to be rather poor at taking surveys. For one thing, they couldn't hold a pen to fill them in, and for another they didn't seem to be able to understand the living. Hermione would attempt to interview a spectral footman, only for them to scream something incoherent at her and attempt to kill her. Pizyap was exploded several times, but that was largely ineffective at destroying the ghosts. Draining their souls, on the other hand, proved highly effective, and very stimulating.
"Not quite like draining the soul of the living, I think," Hermione remarked as she stood over the pool of ectoplasm that had once been a spectral knight. "Still, it makes me all tingly, and gives plenty of power. Not stale like a regular undead soul at all."
"Fantastic. Can we stop blowing me up though? I'd be better of chucking fire at them," Pizyap said with a heavy sigh.
"Oh, I don't think so. Fire could set off the explosives!" K Lee said. "We didn't fireproof them."
Pizyap flinched, and started twitching.
"Best move on," Hermione sighed. "We haven't gotten a single survey."
Next, they found a party of ghouls. After killing several by blasting them apart with shadow bolts, Hermione managed to rip the legs off two, and attempted to administer the survey. One ghoul slobbered on the pencil and ate the paper, while the other just kept screaming and crawling forward with its hands to attempt to bite Wilfred.
"It's like they're not intelligent at all," Hermione mused. "Just beasts. They don't even really have souls to drain. More like a connection that can be severed."
"We'll just have to classify these as magical constructs," K Lee declared. "Let's move on."
Fortunately, next Hermione located a group of Scarlet Crusaders, remnants of the old Lordaeron military that had vowed to eradicate the undead. These days most of them had folded into the Argent Crusade, but a few maniacs still refused to join Highlord Fordring, claiming he wasn't willing to destroy all undead, such as the Knights of the Ebon Blade or the Forsaken who fought against the Scourge.
Sadly, initially the Scarlet's turned out to be rather opposed to taking a survey.
"Warlocks and demons! You must be allies of the undead!" the captain said when Hermione and the gnomes approached. "Slay them all!"
The Scarlets roared and charged, only for Pizyap to scream in agony and explode himself, killing several. Hermione rapidly began to hex and curse the remaining Scarlets who were dazed by the explosion, spreading plague, blindness, madness, and lighting a few on fire with her mind. She channeled the captive souls in her belt pouch, using them to fuel the dark power of her spells and grinning at the power she wielded. She knew it was probably wrong to kill living people, but the Scarlets had tried to kill her first.
Once only a few survivors were left, and those weak with plague and shaking in fear from the curses laid upon them, Hermione walked around and handed out surveys for them.
"What...what is this?" the captain asked, trembling as he picked up the pencil and paper.
"This is a survey conducted by the Gnomeregan College of Explosiveers to learn about your state of unlife," Hermione said helpfully. "As you're not undead, you will be acting as the control group. Please, do you best to answer each question honestly."
The captain blinked, scratching at the weeping sores that now covered his body. "You'll...you'll let us go if we fill out the surveys?"
Hermione beamed at him. "Of course! I already drained the souls of several of your men, so I hope you've learned your lesson!"
"Monster! I'll never give in!" the captain snarled, standing on shaky legs and swinging at Hermione with his sword.
She blasted him with a bolt of shadow, then drained his soul as he slumped over. He was dead in moments. Hermione turned to the other survivors. "Now, will we be having any more problems?"
"NO!" the four remaining Scarlets quickly filled out their surveys and handed them in.
"Thank you for participating in our Social Explosiveering survey!" K Lee said brightly. She handed each of the Scarlets a small piece of candy. "Have a wonderful day!"
"Well, this certainly was the most productive that we've been so far," Hermione remarked as she examined the surveys. "I think these will make an excellent control group. We'd best be heading to the Wrathgate now. I think we should survey the living human and orcish troops before they're killed and raised as undead. That would make an excellent data baseline."
"Good idea!" K Lee agreed. "We might even get lucky and get some plague samples of our own to test! I wonder how they'd work with the thought outsourcer...I still haven't found any ore but cobalt and titanium and those just don't have the right properties."
"Ugh. I just don't want to blow up again," Pizyap complained.
"Silence minion!" Wilfred ordered. "You are bound to serve your mistress!'
"Yeah, yeah," Pizyap muttered, hopping up onto the mule. "Damn engineers."
"Here," Hermione said, handing Pizyap a candy. She patted the imp on the head and smiled at him. "You've been a great help! Thanks for saving us back there. Have a treat."
Pizyap looked at the lollipop in his talons, then back at Hermione as she eagerly discussed interviewing men who would die and be raised as undead. "Eh. Guess she's still the best mistress I've had." The imp popped the candy in his mouth and tried to get comfortable despite the explosive vest. It wasn't like this was the first time he'd been blasted to bits.
\/\/\/\/\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Everything had been made ready. The barrels of plague were loaded, the apothecaries in position with their catapults.
"Soon. Very soon. Both the living and the dead shall tremble before the might of the Forsaken!" Grand Apothecary Putress growled, clenching his rotting fist around a vial of the modified plague. "All these fools shall-"
"Excuse me sir, but do you have to time to take a survey?"
Putress paused, glancing around to see an imp, a human teen, and two gnomes.
"What is the meaning of this?" Putress demanded.
"Hi!" the female gnome said brightly. "I'm Social Expolsiveer K Lee Smallfry! This is my assistant, Hermione Granger. We're here today to conduct a survey regarding your satisfaction with your current state of unlife as a part of our broader survey to determine beings satisfaction with their current state of life/unlife."
"I...what?" Putress asked, utterly baffled.
The human teen stepped forward, smoothing a few stray strands of frizzy hair away. "Hello, I'm Hermione Granger, intern for the Gnomish Department of Social Explosiveering. This survey is confidential, no personally identifying information will be retained in our records or sold. This information is to better understand the state of unlife/life and how explosiveering can help with the transition between the two. First, I need some demographic information. Are you alive, or unalive?"
"Foolish girl, I am Grand Apothacary Putress of the Forsaken! I am here to unleash the New Plague upon the Horde, Alliance, and Scourge!"
"Oh we know," Hermonie said, waving a hand dismissively. "Well be sure to interview the newly arisen undead. We already interviewed the living troops, and we'll be doing a double blind study to see how they feel both before and after their transformation into the undead. Now, as a forsaken I'm going to put you down as 'unalive.' For how long were you alive, prior to becoming unalive?"
"I...I was 38," Putress said, mystified as the human scribbled something down.
"And what was your race prior to unlife?"
"Um, human, from Lordaeron. Aren't' you concerned I'll just kill you and expose you to the plague?"
"Very good, very good. And how long have you been unalive? And do note that any hostilities against us will result in your immediate transfer over to ex-unlife via the massive bomb my imp is carrying."
For the first time, Putress noticed that the imp was wearing some sort of explosive vest.
"Pal, trust me, you are just better off answering the questions and moving on. I've already blown up three times today and let me tell ya, while it sucks for me, it REALLY blows for you."
"Oh. Er, you're not going to try and stop me from unleashing the plague upon the deserving?"
"Of course not!" K Lee said, horrified. "That would be a gross violation of the scientific method! As scientists and explosiveers, we must remain neutral observers!"
"Or incendiary ones," Hermione added. "Really, there isn't any middle ground here. Now, for the next section, I'm going to ask you to rate your experiences on a scale of 1-5, with one being Very Satisfied, 2 being Somewhat Satisfied, 3 being Neutral, 4 being Somewhat Unsatisfied, and 5 being Very Unsatisfied. Do you understand this rating scale, or do you wish for me to repeat it?"
Putress eyed the imp, who seemed to be twitching slightly. "Er, I understand it."
"Excellent. How would you rate your experiences while living?"
"Um, a 2, I suppose. I remember being vaguely happy most of the time."
"And what about the transition to unlife? How would you rate it?"
"Well dying was certainly painful, so a 5 on that. And coming back to this wretched existence... another 5. This is why I must spread my vengeance!"
Hermione nodded, carefully recording the answers on her sheet. "Good to know. And how would you rate your experiences in unlife?"
"Well it is a daily torment where I can feel nothing but pain, suffering, and a desire to destroy my enemies. So, well, the torment and all is a 5, but getting to slay all who still revel in life in mockery of me...that's a 1."
"Hmm. We'll just average that out to a 3. And finally, to ensure that you are a real unliving individual answering these questions and not a magical construct, please answer 4 to this question."
"Four?" Putress said, confused.
"Thank you very much for your time," Hermione said, snapping shut the folder she'd been writing in and smiling at Putress. "The Gnomish Social Explosiveering Society thanks you for your time and responses. Please, have a wonderful day, and don't forget to contact the Social Explosiveering Society for all your social explosion needs."
"What exactly do social explosiveers do?" Putress asked, still confused.
"Mostly blow people up," K Lee admitted. "We're working on that though. Soon, we hope to have an entire range of marketable social explosions, perhaps as a part of a program to transition from life to unlife. Now, we'll just go to a safe distance while you unleash your own social explosives upon your foes so we can record additional data."
"Bye!" Hermione said, waving cheerily as she and her suicide imp hurried away to the shelter of somenearbye rocks. "Good look with wrecking vengeance and all that!"
Authors Note:
I think we should kick the Forsaken out of the Horde and boot the gnomes out of the Alliance, then put them together in their own twisted evil faction.
Next chapter: The Wrathgate.