Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Winter Song

Chapter 24: Smells Like Teen Spirit

Load up on guns

And bring your friends

It's fun to lose

And to pretend

She's over bored

And self-assured

Oh, no, I know a dirty word

Hello, hello, hello, hello

Hello, hello, hello, hello

With the lights out

It's less dangerous

Here we are now

Entertain us

I feel stupid

And contagious

Here we are now

Entertain us

A mullato

An albino

A mosquito

My libido

Yeah

"Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Tori Amos (Crucify EP)

The rain had let up, at least outside. Inside it was still as cold and damp. Jessica had stopped drinking, but she still sat, listlessly staring. Xander passed by her without looking. Tony was in the kitchen, staring out at his wife, at his son, at the home that had been broken. Xander could remember when that kitchen was bright and happy, when food was cooking and he was young enough to run around with Willow and not have his parents care.

The house was suffocating, the memories it held oppressive. Xander all but ran up to his bedroom…and stopped dead. The walls had been stripped of all his pictures, the desk had been cleaned off. He ran to his desk drawer and sighed in relief when he saw that the lockbox was still there. His window, however, had been nailed shut, the lock on the door was removed, and the stereo was gone.

Trembling with rage, Xander stalked down the stairs. He felt like punching something, an urge he rarely had. His mother sat like a zombie, a statue of a woman in mourning. He doubted she did it, but even if she did he didn't have the courage to confront her. Instead he headed to the kitchen.

"Where's my stuff?" he demanded.

"It seems that we can't leave you alone for a minute," Tony said nastily, lucidity appearing in his features once more. "You think we're completely stupid? You've been sneaking out of the house!"

"What the hell else do you expect me to do, considering you haven't let me leave for the last, what, three months?!" Xander yelled, his voice rising without him telling it to.

"You have earned every punishment you've brought on yourself!" his father snarled. "Don't you dare take that tone with me!"

"Oh, yeah, I forgot – honor thy father and mother means letting them control your personality, friends, love life, and career," Xander snarled right back. Tony leapt to his feet, absolutely shaking with rage.

"Don't you take the scripture and twist it to your anger, you little snake!"

"You're a fucking hypocrite!" Xander screamed. Tony froze in shock, and Xander realized this was quite possibly the first time he'd ever cursed at his parents. He was shaking, his fists clenched, his knuckles white. He felt close to tears or close to a fight, full of confusion, anger, pain.

"You…go to your room!" Tony ordered, his voice shaking.

"No," Xander said coldly.

"Excuse me?" Tony asked, his voice deathly still.

"I'm out of here," Xander said, and then he was heading for the door.

"Don't you take one step out of this house!"

"I hate you!" Xander yelled furiously. "You're ruining my life!" Tony stopped, shocked, looking like Xander had just punched him in the face, but Xander didn't have time to care. Instead he just walked outside and slammed the door behind him. He hit the streets running, his footsteps matching his frenetic heartbeat.

Shaking with emotion, he finally stopped and dry heaved in a side street. His stomach hurt and his heart felt like a fist was squeezing the blood out of it, pump by pump.

Where the hell was he going to go?

***

The hotel was small and kind of seedy, and Xander stopped outside its door. But he'd already come all the way here, and there was really nowhere else he could think to go. No one he really wanted to talk to. The manager hadn't bothered trying to hide his client's privacy, so Xander got the room number right away.

At 56, he stopped and knocked on the door.

"One second," he called, and then the door opened and Larry was standing there. "Harris?" he asked, confused.

"Um…hi, Larry," Xander said weakly.

"Are you okay, dude? You look like shit," Larry commented, waving him in.

"I just had a fight with my parents," Xander said, stepping inside. One room, one bed, dirty carpet. There were clothes in the sink and Larry smelled like he'd just taken a shower. Xander stood nervously, unsure where to go here.

"Jeeze, man, are you okay?" Larry asked. There was concern in his gruff voice, and Xander almost started sobbing as he realized that big gay Larry was still big football player Larry and there wasn't really a difference between the two.

"No, not really," he said instead.

"Well, do you want anything? I've got some food and water in the mini-fridge," Larry said with a self-deprecating smile. Maybe it was the fragility lurking in those eyes that had once been narrowed meanly as they insulted him, maybe the similarities in their situation. But once it was out, it was out.

"How did you do it, Larry? How did you come out to your parents?" Xander blurted.

"Why—OH!" Larry said, staring at Xander in shock. "Oh!"

"Yeah, oh," Xander said with a weak smile.

"God, man," Larry said. Before Xander could say anything he had been pulled into a giant bear hug. Larry was big and muscular enough for Xander to feel almost as safe and protected as he always felt around Angel. It was enough comfort for now. Xander's knees went weak and he shook with aftershock as Larry just held him through it.

"Thanks," he muttered after a while. Pulling back, Xander sat down on the end of the bed.

"How long have you known?" Larry asked, sitting beside him.

"Since last year," Xander said. "But I think I knew before that, I just didn't really let myself know."

"I know what you mean," Larry said, putting his arm around Xander's shoulders. "I tried so hard to chase girls – I mean, you know me. But when I went out for football…yeah, I love the sport, but that was when I really started popping wood in shower time, you know what I mean?"

"Did you freak out?" Xander asked curiously.

"Big time. I thought that I was sick, you know? I was afraid that the other guys would…well, you know," Larry said awkwardly.

"I haven't talked to anyone but my friends about it," Xander said.

"I can imagine," Larry said sympathetically. "I mean, with your parents…"

"Yeah," Xander muttered, his voice hoarse.

"So what did you fight about?"

"I came home and they took everything out of my room…it just set me off. It's been a really crazy day," Xander said with a hysterical laugh.

"I'm sorry," Larry said softly. Larry's hands were large and warm on Xander's shoulder and Xander sunk, exhausted, into the football player's embrace. Larry's chapped lips softly rested on Xander's forehead, and Xander wondered at the warm bolt it sent through him. This wasn't like with Angel, more a comfortable sort of feeling that could turn into…what?

Comfort, maybe? Was that why he was letting Larry's lips go lower, hesitantly resting on Xander's brow? Xander looked up at Larry's warm green eyes and sighed.

"Larry…I can't do…" Xander said awkwardly, wondering what to say.

"Don't worry about it," Larry said with a slight smile. Licking his lip's nervously, the quarterback leaned in and then his rough lips were on Xander's. For one small, unforgivable moment Xander kissed him back, that slow, comfortable warmth rolling through him. This wasn't like with Cordelia; this was attraction, lusty and unsure. It also wasn't like with Angel – that was deeper, that was love.

"Angel," Xander muttered, pulling back.

"Sorry," Larry said, blushing.

"It's not your fault," Xander promised. "Thanks."

"You have a boyfriend?" Larry guessed.

"More," Xander said simply.

"I'm happy for you," Larry said, sounding genuine.

"I'm sorry, too," Xander said.

"Nah, man. Nothing happened," Larry said firmly.

"Thanks."

"You wanna call him?" Larry asked. "Got some phone service hooked up for now."

"How are you affording this?" Xander asked curiously.

"I have a job," Larry explained. "I work at Jerry's Store."

"How are things with your parents?" Xander asked, determined to keep things light.

"They're…actually getting better. My mom's family isn't from around her, and they're talking with my folks. I'm thinkin' that maybe it might turn out okay," Larry said hopefully.

"I think they will," Xander said firmly, squeezing Larry's hairier hand.

"This coming from church boy?" Larry challenged.

"From gay church boy," Xander corrected with a grin. Larry guffawed roughly, manly football player's way of saying Thanks for the joke man, yeah, everything's okay. "Can I use that phone?"

"Sure, man. Dial nine to call out of the hotel."

***

"I kissed Larry," Xander confessed to Angel over Chinese food that night.

"What?" Angel asked with an odd sort of grin. They were sitting in the living room of Angel's apartment at the coffee table, parked on the floor next to each other. It was quiet and cozy, the light coming in from the windows and the stove light from the kitchen. The half-light made things hazy, like a fairy tale.

"It was a hurt/comfort sort of thing; it didn't really mean anything. I just didn't want to lie to you," Xander said, blushing.

"I know it didn't mean anything," Angel said calmly. "I'm not jealous."

"Sorry," Xander apologized anyway.

"Hey – considering my mistakes, let's not dwell on it, alright?" Angel offered.

"Agreed," Xander said, solemnly shaking Angel's hand. The moment of levity didn't last, though. Xander felt a frown threatening to break through, but Angel just leaned forward.

"But you did kiss him," Angel said, his eyes warm.

"Well—mph!" Xander said as Angel captured his lips. "What is this, kiss Xander day?"

"What do you mean?" Angel asked with an innocent smile.

"Well, Cordelia jumped me earlier," Xander said.

"My, Xan, you do get a lot done in a day," Angel drawled. Xander sighed and explained everything that had happened during the day. "And all the money's gone?" Angel asked. Xander nodded glumly. "That's going to be hard as hell for her to get through."

"Yeah. I sort of felt bad after she…"

"You don't have to, Xander," Angel said. "I'm glad that you called me."

"I wanted to go where I felt safe," Xander explained, blushing. Angel smiled slowly and pulled him into another kiss, slower, deeper. Their heartbeats seemed to move together and flickers of flame slowly spread through Xander's body. The kiss deepened, Angel's tongue slowly moving into Xander's mouth, Xander responding with gusto.

Here I go again

Slipping further away

Letting go again

Of what keeps me in place

I like it here

But it scares me to death

There is nothing here

It never ceased to amaze him how easily his body responded to Angel; one minute he'd be fine and the then Angel would touch him and suddenly he was on fire, his groin hot and hard with need. Angel played his body like a maestro, his long, graceful fingers playing archepeggios along Xander's spine that had him shivering with pleasure.

Angel breathed life into Xander's body, his warm breath creating a sort of magic between them as Xander's hesitant fingers tickled along the broadly muscled expanse of Angel's back. Their lips moved in a sort of dance, giving and receiving in equal flow, a rhythm old as time. Xander had never felt so connected to one person before in his life; Angel seemed to anticipate everywhere he wanted his lips and then Angel was gently suckling on Xander's neck right at that spot where Xander moaned loudly.

The light is beautiful

But I'm darker than light

And you are wonderful

But this moment is mine

All of this dust

All of this past

All of this over and gone and never coming back

All of this forgotten

But not by me

Xander was gasping for breath, his lips tingling with the pressure of Angel's caress. His hands twined through Angel's thick dark hair, gripping with intent of half-formed thoughts. Xander felt a sort of inclination, a hallucination and a desire all at once filling his body, connecting him to Angel. He remembered that night when he'd seen Angel wet, nearly all of his naked glory…an inclination, but to what he did not know.

"Xander," Angel panted, his breath coming harsh. "I…"

Xander moved back and nervously unbuttoned the first button of Angel's shirt. Angel stared at him, their eyes meeting, a question asked and answered before Xander was aware of what was happening. Angel kissed him gently, his fingers working, and then Angel was before him, his chest bare and glorious as Xander remembered. Memory provided a hunger and Xander leaned forward and placed his lips at the hollow of Angel's collarbone, leaving a little dark mark as he began to move lower.

"Xan…baby…God," Angel muttered. Xander was curious as to the taste of Angel, sweat and soap and something indefinably Angel that tasted like smoke and leather and honey all at once. Xander laid a string of kisses on that chest, little bite marks as if staking a claim. Angel moaned enthusiastically and, encouraged, Xander laid the flat of his tongue against one of Angel's wine-dark nipples.

Angel pushed him back, his eyes black and hungry as he lifted Xander's shirt over his head. Leaning in, Angel returned the favor, his talented tongue raising Xander's nipples to stiff peaks of sensitivity. Angel blew gently over them, a cool tingling shooting from Xander's nipples to his balls, making him tip his head back and give a choked sort of scream.

Angel smiled with tenderness in his eyes and gently cradled Xander's head, moving in, joining their lips together again, a dance of love and trust between them. Xander wondered if this was what making love felt like, not just sex, because sex was easy, it was fun but then it was over and there was nothing like this, no lowering of barriers and meeting of hearts and souls in unison. With Larry, that heat had been lust, the pleasure of the kiss nothing but sex.

With Angel, it was a union, and Xander felt almost holy, as if they were married.

I find comfort here

'Cause I know what is lost

Hope is always fear

For the pain it may cost

And I have searched for a reason to go on

I've tried and I've tried but it's taking me so long

I might be better off

Closing my eyes

And God will come looking for me

In time

The first time that their bare chests met, sensitive skin to sensitive skin, Angel's well-defined muscles to Xander's hardening chest, they both buried their gasps into each other's mouths, a secret language known to only them.

"I love you," Xander whispered into Angel's neck. "I love you so much…"

"Xander, my Xander," Angel murmured. "Love you…"

All of this dust

All of this past

All of this over and gone and never coming back

All of this forgotten

But not by me

At first, neither of them heard the door open, but when she spoke, it broke them apart like ice.

"Well, isn't this lovely?" Drusilla asked, an odd, hinged note in her voice. She looked strange and Xander realized that her usual dramatic flair was missing; Dru was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. Her eyes were wide and dark and dangerous. He realized that the danger he was sensing came from the absolute burning hatred in her eyes when she turned her glare on him.

"What the hell are you doing here, Dru?" Angel asked, cautiously moving up to his knees.

"Apparently, he does give out," Drusilla went on, her voice cruel. "Pretty little high-school boy, isn't he?"

"Shut up," Angel snapped, his voice cold and dangerous. "I told you the last time you came here – go away. It's done, damn it!"

"Yeah, you bastard, cast me out for your little boy whore!" she screamed, her voice breaking into hysteria. "Five fucking years, Angel! My Angel!"

"I'm not your Angel anymore," Angel said, looking away.

"Oh, so you're going to tell yourself that you're his now, just like Spike?" she demanded. "Damn you, you little shit!" She rounded on Xander. "You just have to ruin my life, don't you? Suddenly, I'm sick! Well, fuck you!"

The slap came out of nowhere. Xander didn't even see her move, just registered the line of fire across his cheek where it connected. Angel was a blur as he slammed her up against the wall, his face hard and furious.

"Don't you ever fucking touch him! Get the hell out of my apartment!" he roared.

"Oh, daddy, you're hurting me!" she whined in a sultry sort of voice. Cocking her hips at him lewdly, she rubbed herself against him. "That's good!"

"God, Dru," Angel whispered, shoving her away from him. "Just…just leave, please? Please leave." He sounded defeated, broken, bruised, and Xander ashamedly pulled his shirt up to cover his chest.

"I hate you, you son of a bitch!" she screamed, her eyes wide and horrified and furious all at once. She turned her hateful glare upon Xander as if she could kill him with her mind, and sprinted from the apartment like a demon from the face of the Lord.

All of this dust

All of this past

All of this over and gone and never coming back

All of this forgotten

But not by me

Angel was shaking, trembling; he looked white and sick.

"Angel…" Xander whispered, his voice cracking. He realized that Angel was a laughing, a sort of hysterical sound that made Xander's heart break. He got up and slowly wrapped his arms around Angel's waist, pulling Angel's back into his chest, comforting. He wrapped himself around Angel like a big Xanderblanket, and Angel's head rested on Xander's shoulder.

"I'm sorry," he whispered after an eternity.

"You don't have to be," Xander said. "I'm sorry, too, though."

"Don't let what she said make you…you have nothing to be ashamed of, Xander," Angel said firmly. He sniffed and firmly sat forward. "We love each other, and being attracted to each other is nothing to be ashamed of."

"I mean that I'm sorry that you have to keep dealing with her, when you're so busy dealing with you. And then I come over here and fall to pieces—"

"Xander, honey, don't you dare blame yourself for mine or Dru's problems," Angel said angrily. He squeezed Xander's hand. "I'm glad that you came here."

"She came by before?" Xander asked, registering something that he'd said.

"Yeah, last week," Angel said, scrubbing his face with his hand tiredly. "She just…she won't let go. Spike keeps trying to talk to her, and I've been trying to get her to see this therapist that I've been going to once a month, but she just…

"I love her, Xander. I'm not in love with her, but I care about her and I don't want her to hurt anymore," he confessed, his voice small.

"There's nothing to be ashamed of there. You were together for years," Xander said, trying not to give into the whirling emotions in his heart. "Of course you don't want her to hurt."

"You're so good to me," Angel said with a wry smile.

"Well, I'm hoping to crash on your sofa," Xander cracked with a winning smile.

"No, you're taking the bed," Angel said seriously.

"Angel…I'm not ready…I—" Xander began, panicked, but Angel chuckled and silenced him with a quick kiss.

"I meant that I'm taking the couch, sweetheart," Angel said.

"Oh," Xander said, embarrassed.

"It's okay," Angel said. "I'm not going to push you, Xan. Hell, I don't even know if I'm ready…not the way I feel about you. I've never…every other time it was someone I didn't know, or Spike or Dru or Darla. With Buffy it was different…I'm scared that I'll hurt you, the way I hurt her," he said, his voice small.

"Don't worry about it," Xander said. He kissed Angel's cheek. "Things always look better in the morning, right?"

"Right," Angel said with a slight smile. "Let me go get some sheets and grab my night pants."

I can see myself

I look peaceful and pale

But underneath I can barely inhale

I can hear myself singing that song

Over and over until it belongs to me

Angel's cotton sheets were warm and comfortable and every fiber of them smelled like Angel, like Xander was wrapped in his love through sleep. He slept like a rock and dreamed of nights on the beach with Angel and days in the ocean with his friends, his mother and father happily building a sand castle on the shore, decorating it with lambs rather than bloody crosses.

Songs used in this chapter:

Smells Like Teen Spirit by Tori Amos (Crucify EP)

All of This Past by Sarah Bettens (Underworld [Original Motion Picture Soundtrack])