This isn't the first time I've watched her like this, but when we're at my apartment I can always escape to my gym or bathroom when I need to. Here, I have nowhere to run to. I am forced to endure her soft moans and watch her twist under the covers as her body searches for something it can't find while sleeping.
I've known that she dreams about me for a while, but I didn't want to embarrass her by bringing it up. It isn't as if I don't dream about her, but I know she'll somehow make herself out to be a bad person for fantasizing about me. I can just hear her berating herself for having wanton thoughts, and blaming herself for my wet dreams, as if she could corrupt me. As far as I'm concerned, it's a good thing for her to explore her sexuality on her own for a while, like a normal teenager.
She suppresses her emotions so much though, that I worry she'll end up torturing herself over them. I'm sure she uses that doll of me to scold herself about being lustful. It's sitting on her table, face molded into a commanding sneer. That girl has such an authority fetish. I shake my head sitting up and scooting away from her; she's squirming too much for me to sleep peacefully.
"Ren," she pants my name and I bite my lip, stopping my hand before it can reach out to her. If she gets too loud, Taisho and Okami-san might hear her.
"Taisho-san is going to kill me before I even get to do anything." I lie down on the floor, a safe distance away from her, intending to fall back asleep and continue pretending that I know nothing about her dreams.
"Ren," Kyouko fidgets in her sleep, her arms spreading out, hands searching the space I vacated for something warm. I can see her thighs press together beneath the cover, and she releases a desperate whine. Actually, I might die of frustration before Taisho-san can kill me.
Sighing, I crawl back over to her and kiss her forehead. My sleeping beauty curls her arms around me and buries her head against my neck. "You're killing me."
Hours later, I'm desperately trying not to think about stripping my girlfriend's clothes off in front of a camera. We're in a meeting room with Fujita-san discussing our next commercial. It will take place in the ballroom of a fancy hotel. I've been to so many nice hotels that it doesn't faze me, but Kyouko is positively giddy about it. She's so happy that she fails to realize that I'll be removing her fancy ballgown.
"It's one of the largest ballrooms in Japan, and the chandeliers were brought in from France." Kyouko informs us.
"Really?" Yukihito looks at the pictures of it with her, and they both have a faraway look in their eyes. One is probably picturing our wedding; the other some sort of Disney fantasy.
"How do you know so much about it?" Fujita-san asks, still ignoring my question.
"I tried getting a job there once, but they said I didn't fit their image. It would have been nice to see all the balls and banquets that go on there up close. All those pretty women in their gorgeous gowns..." I am in danger of spiriting her away to some dark corner and kissing all her insecurities away.
"Now you'll be the belle of the ball with your own gown to dance around in, and those people who thought you weren't good enough for them, will have to cater to you." Yashiro-san says mischievously. "Since we'll be staying overnight there, you could order room service and be super demanding. There's also an indoor pool, and a sauna, but you're not old enough to use it. Ooh, if you want to sneak in I could be the look out. I won't let anyone catch you doing anything naughty."
"We're going to be there for work Yukihito, not to play around." I warn sternly, wanting everyone in the room to focus on the script, so we can go back to discussing changes to make it less raunchy. "Fujita-san, you didn't seem to hear me before, why do you think it's okay to have a seventeen-year-old stripped for a commercial?"
Fujita-san sighs in annoyance, "She won't be naked, and the set will be closed for that scene. I'll have as little crew members as possible. Even Yashiro-san will be out of the room."
"What's wrong with just a ball scene?" I ask, eyeing Kyouko, who has frozen with a wide-eyed expression. "Why do I have to undress her?"
Slowly, Kyouko turns her head in my direction, before dropping it to stare down at the script. She scans though the pages, panic setting in as she reaches the part about me slowly unzipping her dress.
"I have to get naked!" I cringe, hating myself for making her feel self-conscious.
"Like Fujita-san said, it'll be a closed set. And you'll… be covered," I try to soothe her.
"You're going to undress me?" We both blush and quickly look away from each other. My eyes land on Fujita-san, who has a smug grin on her face. I glare at her, she must enjoy tormenting me.
"You'll be fine. I won't let anything happen to you." I offer what little comfort I can.
Nothing will happen to her, except that she'll be pressed against me while I remove her gown. It'll be worse than my most erotic fantasies, because it will be real, but I still won't be able to do anything. Kyouko makes a pitiful noise, and I reach out instinctively, wanting to protect her but, there are other people in this meeting. No one can think my concern is anything more than a sempai worrying about his young kohai, so I let me hand fall back to my side.
"If it were anyone else, I wouldn't dream of filming this scene, but I know she'll be safe with a gentleman like you, Tsuruga-san." Fujita-san irritates me with her fake reassuring tone; she's just trying to push me far enough that I break.
"You'll be alright Mogami-san, I promise not to let anything happen to you." I declare, glaring at our director.
"There you see, everything is settled. The two of you can get changed for your photos, and then we'll go to the hotel Sunday night." She stands up, gathering her papers. "Oh, and Kyouko, don't forget what we talked about. I want to hear all about your weekend with Okami-san. That was a really thoughtful gift for a sempai, Tsuruga-san." The old pervert raises her eyebrows
suggestively. At least she's nice to Kyouko, but as far as I'm concerned, that's her only redeeming quality.
We finish up our photo shoot and head to our private waiting room. I should really request a raise for Yukihito. It seems there is no comfort he can't negotiate for us, except he didn't manage to get us out of that stripping scene. Still, that's more Fujita-san's fault than his. I need to pay the president a visit anyway; I'll sneak in a bonus for Yukihito then. The president will be in a generous mood, thanks to his mistake in introducing that heartless harpy to Kyouko.
"How did your meeting go?" Kyouko asks, twirling in front of a mirror to watch her gown fan out around her ankles. I should buy her some fancy dresses, just to watch her happily dance around in them.
"You were there weren't you? Or was that head of yours in the clouds while we were discussing me stripping you in front of a camera?" She does her best not to blush.
"The meeting for your drama!" Her hands come up to cover her beautifully flushed face and I can't help myself, striding over to her and sweeping her into my arms.
"Ren!" She giggles, wrapping her arms around my neck as I carry her over to the couch.
"That meeting?" I tickle her sides, watching the light sparkle off the tiny rhinestones that start as tight rows on the bodice of the gown and scatter out on the skirt.
"Yes, that one." She laughs, gripping my arms as I continue my assault.
"I promised them that I could be done filming in a week, so there really is no need to spend two extra weeks outside of Tokyo." She stops laughing and stares up at me, preparing to scold me. I laugh, stealing a kiss. "I'm kidding. We have to go to several different locations, and there are the other actors to consider. Even if I worked my hardest, I think I could only shave it down to one and a half weeks, but that isn't accounting for travel time." I pout. "I've never been less excited to film in my whole life. What am I supposed to do without my princess?"
"I think you'll survive. Just remember to eat." She orders, kissing my pouting lips.
"Eating isn't a problem. I'll eat three times a day and have a snack in between every meal, if it pleases you. What will kill me is a severe lack of Kyouko. I need at least five doses each day, and that isn't counting the necessary lectures about the importance of eating. You'll call me before you go to bed, won't you?" She bobs her head up and down, the slightest blush on her cheeks. "Every night, even if it's just to say goodnight."
"Yes, Ren I'll call to say goodnight, every night. And you'll text me every morning, I'm sure, but if you focus on work instead of me, you'll have a lot more fun filming." I shake my head and give her my best wounded puppy look.
"How can I focus on work when you're so far away? I need my princess, or I'll waste away to nothing. I'll always need my princess." She shakes her head at me, an amused smile playing on her lips.
"You shouldn't say things like always, Ren. What if you get sick of me or find someone better than me? If you say always, I might start to believe that we're going to be together forever."
I take her chin between my fingers and lift her face to meet mine. "I will always love you." There is a world of hurt hidden behind the smile she gives me. "Your mother was a fool for leaving you, and Fuwa was an idiot who couldn't see what he had. I'm not them, Kyouko. I've loved you far too long to let you get away from me."
"You say that, yet I don't even know your real name." The words slip out, and she slaps her hands over her mouth, her eyes going wide. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said. I'm sorry." She smacks her head into my chest in her attempt to bow and beg for forgiveness. Old habits die hard, I guess.
"You're adorable," I chuckle, kissing her forehead. "I love you and I promise that I'll tell you everything. I just need some time."
Kyouko nods her head, but I can still see the uncertainty in her eyes. "Is there a reason you don't feel ready? I promise that I wouldn't tell anyone, not even Moko-san."
I almost say something about needing the president's permission, but stop myself. It's time I stopped adding to the lies, she doesn't deserve to be tricked like that.
"I know you'd keep my secret. I trust you, I just worry that," instead of finishing my sentence I lean in closer and kiss her.
What if she hates me? What if my secrets make her cry? She could act like she accepts the truth, while hiding how betrayed she feels about my deception. Eventually that pain will turn into resentment, and she'll leave me. I'm not ready to lose her, but I'll never be ready for that.
If I'm honest, there's more to my unwillingness to share my secrets. For starters, I've never said any of it out loud to anyone, and there's this part of me that's afraid speaking the words will make what happened real. Sometimes it all feels like a horrible nightmare, that I can escape by pretending it never happened. Kuon never existed, and I have always been the perfect, gentlemanly Ren. If I speak the words, and tell this girl what happened to Rick, along with all the things Kuon did, I don't think I could ever avoid my true nature again. Kuon would always be there, reminding me that I am a beast who does not deserve to hold this precious girl in my arms. I haven't been Kuon for five years, and I know I'm him but I'm also Ren, and I don't want Ren to fade away.
I want Kyouko to always see me as Ren, who can be the sort of prince she deserves - kind and loyal and patient. That is perhaps my most important reason for not telling her my secrets. Ren serves as a layer of protection for her. He'd never allow things to go too far with her. No matter how much my need for her grows, I will not touch her before I tell her everything. If she starts calling me Kuon, that barrier would crumble, and I'm afraid of losing my self-control.
"Ren?" Her cheek rests on my shoulder, and I can feel her frown. "I love you."
"I love you, princess. Please don't ever doubt that." I nuzzle her neck. "Just give me some time; I promise I'll tell you everything." How much longer will she let me get away with offering the same promise over and over?
The door to our private room opens. My arms tighten protectively around her, and I glare at the intruder. Yukihito holds his hands up to show me he has no camera.
"Alright you two, we need to get moving. Ren, you have an interview, and Kyouko, you have a photoshoot for some promotional ads for Sacred Lotus.
We go our separate ways, Kyouko with Yukihito in a company car, and me by myself. I feel lonely without them, and my interviewers aren't interested in my acting. They only want to talk about various rumors surrounding Kyouko. On one hand, I like that she's getting so much attention, and on the other, this is highly unprofessional behavior and they shouldn't be fishing for gossip like this.
"Kyouko-chan is a very nice young girl. and I assure you that she isn't interested in our manager or anyone else at the moment. She is dedicated to improving her acting skills, and I admire her for having such a level head at her age." I make sure to blush a little as I speak of her.
"Tsuruga-san, you don't expect us to believe that do you?" One of them asks, as she coyly pets my arm. I want to jerk it away from her, but instead, I pretend to find a more comfortable sitting position, allowing me to angle myself away from her. "Such a vibrant young woman is in the constant presence of two very attractive men, and you want us to believe that neither of you are the slightest bit attracted to her, or she to you. I mean, you are Japan's most wanted male celebrity, are you sure there isn't anything between you two?"
This time I don't have to pretend to blush as I let my mind wander to Kyouko flirting.
"Kyouko-chan isn't the type of girl who cares about looks or celebrity status. On top of that, we are both professionals and can control ourselves." I put emphases on the word professionals. "I consider her to be a dear friend, but I want to focus my time and energy on acting. There is no time to flirt when you're running from job to job and rushing home to get some sleep before work in the morning."
The male interviewer makes a lame joke about office romance, that manages to get a laugh out of the audience. The two speak to each other for a moment, before turning back to me to ask about my upcoming work. Finally behaving like professionals, I answer their questions politely and laugh along at the male's jokes. Once back to my dressing room, I check my phone. Yukihito called me three times, I wonder what that's about.