Eloise woke suddenly from yet another nightmare, gasping and choking into her pillow. Tears streamed down her face as whispered to herself, "It was just a dream, just a dream, just a dream." She had a hard time believing it; every second had been so real, so vivid. For the last 4 or 5 hours she had been alternating between crushing nightmares and random dreams of moments in her past.
She was so, so confused. At first she dreamed of getting hit by the car in the Costco parking lot, of fighting with Mona at the cliff, and of Ian trying to kill her- horrible, traumatic moments that she did her best to forget. But then the dreams shifted to moments she could barely remember.
She awoke every few minutes, sweating, at a different recollection of her old life. They were random, sometimes lasting only a few seconds, but were clear moments that happened to her. One was of studying for a science test with Emily- "What did you put for number 6?" "Meiosis is different from mitosis because. . . " and then blackness. Another was her and Toby baking cookies- "How much sugar?" "Two cup." "Three cups?" "No, Toby, just two." "Let's add more," and she slipped away into the mixing bowl. A third was just her eating dinner in silence with her parents. A forth was holding Aria while she cried after Ezra died- "Aria, are you sure you feel okay? You should probably go home and dry off-" "NO. Spencer, I can't miss Ezra."
What the hell was happening? Was she hallucinating? Or were these just bizarre fever dreams? She had no idea as she slipped into yet another dream, this one lasting longer, but it was as vivid as the others.
"Oh, oh yesssss, OH YES!" Hanna cheered as she plopped down on Spencer's couch next to Emily, two Saturdays before school ended during their junior year. "This is heaven, absolute heaving. Goddam whoever decided that there should be a blackout on the hottest day of the year."
"Glad you're enjoying the air conditioning," Spencer said as she dug through her freezer. "I always thought that my parents buying a generator was useless, until today."
"Thanks for letting us all stay here, Spence," said Emily. Aria, who was seeted on the other side of Emily, started to echoed a thank you, but started sneezing and reached for another tissue. Emily sighed and rubbed Aria's back in slow circles.
Aria had always had terrible spring and summer allergies, and she was barely able to breathe today. Sometimes it got so bad that her parents took her to the hospital, but it hadn't gotten to level yet today. She was close, but the air conditioning was helping.
"Do you guys want mocha chip or cookie dough?" Spencer asked, grabbing some ice cream bowls from the cabinet.
"BOTH," cried Hanna. "It'll probably be the last cold thing I get for a while."
Emily asked for cookie dough, and but Aria declined, mumbling that her throat her too much for her to swallow anything.
"Have you eaten anything today?" asked Spencer, concerned. Aria shook her head no.
Spencer checked the clock: 3:32 PM. Spencer handed Emily and Hanna bowls of ice cream and crouched down by Aria. She rubbed her knee and said gently, "You're not going to feel better until you eat something. Just get something in your system. Or at least drink something, some tea maybe."
"Do you have any orange juice?" Aria asked, her voice heavy and raspy.
"Sure, of course." Spencer got up and poured a tall glass of orange juice. "You want anything else?"
Aria cleared and throat and said, "Chocolate chips?"
Spencer shrugged and grabbed a bag from the pantry, taking both the cup of juice and the bag to the coffee table. Aria grabbed two chocolate chips and tossed them in her mouth, and she took a swig of orange juice. She repeated this process a few times before she noticed everyone was staring at her.
"What. Are. You doing?" asked Hanna, her brow furrowed.
"Oh," Aria breathed. "Well, when I was little, I hated swallowing pills when I was sick, so my mom would give me a bunch of chocolate chips and hide the pill in them. Then I'd swallow them two at a time and never notice the pill because I was so excited for the chocolate. Now, I just do that whenever I get sick. It kind of reminds me of being a kid. It makes me feel safe, you know? Safe, and loved."
Spencer smiled. "Aria, that's so adorable."
"For me, it was grape soda," Emily offered out of nowhere. She had been slow to offer up conversation since Maya died, so her friends listened eagerly. "When I had the flu, my mom would let me sleep in her bed and drink all the grape soda I wanted. The stuff is pretty artificial, but it just makes me feel at home. And loved, just like Aria."
"Aladdin," Hanna blurted out. "My mom would give me a bubble bath and we'd snuggle and watch Aladdin together. When I was sick, I mean. That's what'd I'd do when I was little."
"That your favorite cartoon?" asked Emily.
"Naw, my mom just thought Aladdin was hot."
All the girls laughed, and Hanna said, "Spence, what about you?"
"What about me?"
"What was your childhood sick-day memory?"
Spencer shrugged and said, "Usually when I was sick, my mom hired a nurse for the day to stay with me. She said it was probably safer for my health, and there was nothing she could do that a nurse couldn't do better."
The others looked away from her and blushed. They all knew Spencer had a rocky relationship with her parents, but she rarely shared any information. Was she really that neglected as a child?
Well, no one could call it neglect. Spencer was given every privilege and opportunity in the world. But was she really that. . . unloved?
Sensing her friends feeling awkward, Spencer blurted out, "Well, there was this one time."
She sat down and the others scooched close to hear the story. "When I was about four, maybe five, I got whopping cough."
"Oh, that's nasty, Spence," said Emily. "Were you okay?"
"Yeah, I was fine after a bit, but it was pretty much hell when I was sick. I coughed for literally hours on end. And this one night, I was so, so tired. I hadn't slept because I had been awake coughing, and I was just miserable. So my mom sat me on her lap while I was just coughing and crying from coughing, and she rubbed my back, and she... sang to me. Rainbow Connection, from the Muppets. You guys know that song?"
Everyone nodded, and Emily picked up the lyrics. '"Why are there so many songs about rainbows, and what's on the other side?"'
Hanna chuckled, and continued in a Kermit the frog voice. "'Rainbows are visions, but only illusions, and rainboooooows have nothiiiiiing to hiiiiiiiiide."'
She couldn't remember any of the other words, so she stopped while her friends laughed. Spencer continued for her, singing softly as if she were comforting a coughing baby Spencer. '"So we've been told and some choose to believe it. I know they're wrong, wait and see."' None of them had ever heard her Spencer sing before, and it was beautiful, like her voice was covered in blankets. It wasn't the most professional singing voice in the world, but it was soft and loving, like a real mom. The girls listened in awe as Spencer finished the verse, her voice growing softer with every word: '"Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers, and me."'
They let the Spencer's last notes filled the room for a few slow seconds, until Spencer started her story again. "She held me close, and she sang that song to me until I fell asleep. I remember sleeping in her arms that night for the first time in a long time, and I guess the last time. Ever since then, I have just loved that song so much. It makes me feel safe and warm, like she's still holding me and telling me everything will be okay. It makes me remember that some one loves me."
Again, Eloise woke in a cold sweat. OH. Okay, thought Eloise. So THAT'S why I sang that song to Aria. She moaned slightly and rolled over, too tired to think about it now. She closed her eyes and braced herself for another horrific round of nightmares.