On the funny side of the street
"So how did you get up Cerberos from the underworld, if you didn't even know how to get down there yourself?" Hebe asked.
"Easy enough, I never brought him up," Herakles replied and leaned back in the large sofa while looking at the little gathering in the living room. In the sofa opposite of him and his Hebe sat the goddesses Palaistra and Dicaeosyne. Palaistra had originally come over to hear about the result of the meeting with Hera. When Hebe had told what transpired down in Argos, Palaistra too wanted to know the secret behind the 'Cerbereus Labour'. And Dicaeosyne had just tagged along in lack of anything else to do on a day like this when the rain even mingled with snow.
"But... I thought..." Hebe began. "And so did that king Eurystheus, and all those other people who claim to have seen the hellhound with their own eyes. They say they saw you enter the Royal Castle of Mycenae with Cerberos in a leach, and that the beast was terrible to behold with its three heads with glowing eyes and razor-sharp fangs."
"Hebe, I could never have brought Cerberos out of the Hades realm," Heracles began. "The being - which isn't really a canine, or even an animal to be true, wouldn't survive a trip through the dimensions. No, my last labour was nothing really but smoke and mirrors, and therefore one of the easiest. At the same time it was truly one of the hardest."
"Now I don't understand this really, or do I?" Palaistra said and shook her head in confusion. "You mean it was just stage magic you performed back there?"
"Sort of. Although I was using real magic. Illusionism. I conjured up a picture of the beast from Hades. A picture imposed on thin air. I know that's never been a big deal for you, my ladies, you learn it as kids. But when I did it, I had just been taught the magic by Athena and then I learned where to locate the beast from Persephone. After that I practiced for months. When everyone thought I was venturing to the land down under I was actually hiding in a cave just north of Mycenae, practicing the my illusionism, working for days and nights to make a good and believable render of Cerberus. However not as big as the real thing, because that one is by far larger than the greatest hall of the Mycenaean castle. And in the end I was 'there' with the doggie and went down and presented it to the Mycenaean king, who became so scared that he jumped into a large barrel of wine."
"Yeah that's the best part," Palaistra laughed.
"Yes and perhaps it saved my butt too, because when everyone was occupied with Eurystheus making a fool out of himself, I could dismantle my illusion and sneak away. You know the barrel tipped over and there was wine flowing out on the floor and down the stairs, damaging valuable carpets, furniture and people's clothes. Then some jerks even took their chance to a free helping of the spilled out beverage. It became quite a commotion, so no one took notice of me or the fact that Cerberus just disappeared."
"Perhaps they thought you returned him to Hades," Hebe pondered.
"Yes, I've heard that part," Heracles replied. "As if anyone would venture down there twice!"
"Was there any other labour you faked?" Dicaeosyne asked.
"No, come on, Dica, now you're being unfair! That wasn't fake, was it?" Herakles turned to Auxesia's daughter. "I was asked to present the hell hound but nothing was said about in which form I should do it. After that Eurystheus let me off the hook. I'm quite sure he was tired of me embarrassing him all the time."
"How about all the other labours then? You really went to the Hesperides to get one of their treasured apples?" Dicaeosyne persisted.
"Yeah, well Atlas got it for me in exchange for me helping him with his roof which was about to collapse. Besides, Atlas isn't such a dickhead as everybody says he is. He may sound grumpy and ill-tempered, but I think that comes with having been exiled for such a long time. And when he was finally let back into the immortal society, he found that a lot of people were giving him the bad eye. So who can blame him for choosing to more or less stay a reclusive? "
"He's my ancestor," Hebe huffed. "But that doesn't stop me from considering him a bitter old fart. For all I care he can stay back there in his castle."
"And on the way to Atlas - or was it on your way back - you zapped Antaios?" Palaistra wanted to know.
"Well, not really 'zapped' - I haven't been good at 'zapping' until for about a year ago. Before that... Actually, what I did was strangling Antaios to death."
"They said he was impossible to kill, you know that?" Palaistra went on.
"I only got to hear that after I'd done him in - lucky for me. However I was almost losing the battle when I remembered Athena telling me that Antaios was an expert on tapping the Earth-lines of Energy. So I figured I had to hinder his access to the Earth Energies. The only way to do that was to grab him, hold him high in the air and at the same time block my own channels for Earth Energy. THAT was harder than to barter me an apple, and if I ever get around writing my memoirs, I'd label that my labour eleven."
"You really have to do that!" Hebe urged. "Now everyone and his dog are out there telling her or his version of those labours, and in the process they are becoming more and more exaggerated and further and further from what really happened. So if someone wants the truth you'll have to give it to then, honey."
"Hebe I'm no writer. No story teller!"
"I can ghost write for you! I've already done that with some of Ares' war reports since he too claims he's a man of deed rather than words."
"I'm prepared to agree there, guys!" Dicaeosyne tittered."You should see the things Ares writes! They are all incomprehensible, and the grammar is awful. If you do meet the challenge to interpret his handwriting you'll soon find that it's all about long lists of weaponry used and then a lot of very descriptive scenes about killing people. I mean, if you want to know how Ares and his posse invaded Sicily you don't care that much about how the entrails of an enemy looked when they poured out on the ground."
"Gross!" Palaistra, "Is that's what he puts in his reports?"
"Yeah!" Hebe confirmed. "'Editing' is not really what I'm doing with them, it's rather like I'm rewriting them. I'm kind of used to it, so honey, if you ever find it hard to think about writing down your labours, just turn to me, I'll do it for you!"
"I'll keep that in mind." Herakles replied. "And don't worry, sweetie, I won't bother you with the colour of my diseased enemies' entrails."
"Thanks for small mercies," Hebe said. "By the way, wasn't it on the way to Atlas you put up those famous Pillars of Herakles."
"Yes, one pillar on each of the sound of Gibraltar. One on my way there and the other on the way back. High upon those black rocks."
"Why?" Palaistra asked.
"To tell the world I had been there. A bit of a bragging of the kind you don't have to do being a god. And now I'll probably outlive them anyway, and not the other way around as I thought then. Thus it feels more a bit nutty to have them standing over there. Pillars of Herakles on the other side of the world, quite conceited."
"I couldn't care less," Hebe replied. "As long as I have another pillar of Herakles within a bit more convenient reach," she added, watching her beloved blush gently.
At the same time there was a nymph at the doorstep.
"Visitor," the petite blond said. "Your brother the great Dionysos."
"Let him in!" Herakles smiled and soon the god of wine joined the other four and sat down next to Palaistra in the sofa. He looked frozen in spite of a thick woolen tunic but still in a good mode. Then again, Dionysos was always in a good mode.
"I was actually looking for my wife," he said, "and I thought she might be around here."
"I believe she went with Semele and Hera, to find out if Hera could convince Zeus to deificate the former." Hebe said and cuddled tighter to her beloved. "And perhaps she could act as some kind of moral support; after all she underwent the process too."
"It's Thyone these days." Dion said and grabbed a cookie from the plate. "Don't ask me why, but that's the name my mother has chosen."
"Thyone, hmmm." Heracles mused. "Sounds cool! My fiancée had promised me to ghost write my memoirs."
"Wow!" the God of Wine beamed as he turned to his brother. "I've always wanted someone to do that for me too, after all I've also been trough quite a lot. But since I'm a lousy story teller everyone just think they are a drunken man's bragging. So Hebe would you consider..."
"Hey wait! I promised Herc, but I don't know if I can do more than that." Hebe almost pushed the thought away physically. She could not imagine sitting inside for the next ten years or so writing memoirs first for her husband-to-be and then for Dion. Not to mention that if she started something like that there would probably be more gods and goddesses knocking on her door asking the same favour.
But Dion didn't seem to mind.
"That's cool, Hebe, I understand." he smiled instead, before turning to Herc: "While we're at the subject, I was wondering about that Amazon story. How you got hold on queen Hippolytia's fancy girdle. After all that one was said to be one of a kind! And I wouldn't think that exceptional Amazon... unless you of course..."
"Actually..." Herakles started and blushed.
"That's not very tactful of you, Dion!" Palaistra huffed at her uncle. "In case you haven't noticed, Hebe is sitting right there!"
"Oh, don't worry!" Hebe shook her head. "I can handle that story too. It's not like I'm unfamiliar with the fact that Herc has a past. He even has offspring."
"Let's just say that - Hippolytia's labour became harder than mine," Herakles grinned. "She got twins."
Hearing that, they all started to laugh. While drying off her tears Hebe suddenly made out another familiar voice - her mother. Hera - here! With surprise marking her face she turned around, letting go of Herakles slightly.
"It seems like we've ended up on the funny side of the street," the Queen of Heaven said where she stood together with Ariadne at the doorstep. The poor nymph was standing a bit behind, blushing and trying to sort out conflicting protocols. On one hand she had not introduced her master's latest guest, who had arrived way too fast for her; on the other hand you did not refuse Queen Hera no matter what.
But luckily for the nymph none of the gods seemed to care. Dicaeosyne regarded the arriving duo and informed them:
"We're getting to hear 'The labours of Herakles - the true story'".
"The hero tells with his own words." Palaistra filled in.
"Or 'The Labours of Hippolytia'," Dion smirked.
"Ah hero - phoo!" Hera exclaimed, but there was laughter in her eyes. "So why did my son-in-law-to-be do that was so funny?"
"Knocking up the Amazon queen, to whore himself some bling-bling," Dionysos laughed.
"I get you for that!" Herakles called out and hit him mockingly over the back of his head.
"Dion, most means that leads to a successful end are good means. Or at least worth trying." Hera said and sat down in an empty chair. "Besides I always wondered how you managed to catch Artemis' magnificent hind from Cerynitia. And without upsetting your dear half-sister too."
"That was another deal I cut. I searched out Artemis and asked if I could rent the animal for a day or two. She was reluctant first of course, fearing that I would kill it to please Eurystheus, but I promised her I would return the animal unharmed. And in return she got a quiver of my magic arrows. Those which never misses their targets."
"What would she do with those?" Dicaeosyne giggled. "Artemis seldom misses a target even without magic arrows."
"I think she traded them off in turn." Palaistra said. "Or at least some of them, because I heard that the Centaur Peverin had some of those in possession."
"Peverin heh!" Herakles mocked. "He sure could use a couple, he can't hit an ox standing next to him. Nevertheless I'm neglecting my duties, what can I help you two ladies with?" he nodded to Hera and Ariadne.
"We mostly came to tell Dion that Zeus has clarifyed his plan for deificating Thyone now. She'll be under for about ninety days and then you'll have your mother back for real, dear," Hera told the god of wine. And Ariadne, who had snuggled up next to her husband said:
"He doesn't know anything yet?"
"Who?" Palaistra asked.
"Zeus. He thinks she's just a very special priestess of Hera whom he's deificating to do her a favour. "
"Oh my!" Dicaeosyne hid her face in her hands. "Grandpa is gonna flip when he learns that she's his ex-lover."
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Three months later, when Zeus got to learn the truth, he didn't exactly flip. No matter that he was presented with the truth about Semele and that Hera had tried to sneak behind his back with the marriage plans for Hebe and Herakles while HE in turn was setting HER up with exactly the same thing. When all the intrigues were laid down like a deck of cards on the table it hadn't take Zeus that long to see the funny angle of the situation. he had actually laughed quite a bit and in the end he had made Hera doing the same. After that he had soon figured out that the main plot maker in the game was none other than Athena. Athena who had conveniently made herself absent, running off towards some other heroes down south.
When Ariadne told Hebe and Herakles about the royal couple's reaction, Hebe couldn't help smiling. Athena had got what he wanted. She usually set plots in spin to help people she held dear - or to show off. And this time she got to kill those two birds with one stone.
"So which labour have you gotten to?" Ariadne asked, as she sat opposite of Hebe and Herakles in the latter's large living room overlooking a garden where the first signs of spring were beginning to show in form of early coltsfoots and hyacinths.
"The boar of Erymanthia," Herakles said. "Now that was a straightforward labour. Since I had to return the lovely hind to Artemis, Eurystheus wanted me to capture a beast he could actually enjoy the killing of. The jerk actually told me to bring the piglet alive so he could use it to perform a sacrifice to - whoever it was again - Apollo I think..."
"Who doesn't even like pork," Hebe cut in.
"...but when I returned to Mychenae with the game Eurystheus apparently chickened out and didn't have the guts to cut up that animal himself. At least he was nowhere to be found when I got home and in the end I had to take care of the boar myself. Later I heard that Eurystheus had hid in the basement all the time."
"What did you do with the boar?" Ariadne asked.
"I ate it. Me and some friends, we had a barbeque which is still being talked about I believe."
"He hid in the basement?" Ariadne giggled. "What a wimp!"
"The guy sure was." Hebe agreed, "Let me read some here for you!" And then Hebe out loud about when Eurystheus had ordered Herakles to clean the stables of Augeas. The reason for that duty wasn't really that the stables were dirty and filthy. Instead Eurystheus had the idea that this kind of menial work would be humiliating enough for Herakles to have him lose some of that Hero status. Eurystheus was sick and tired of hearing all the people praising the son of Zeus all the time so he wanted to dampen that by giving Herakles an unworthy and embarrassing task.
And when it turned out that Herakles - together with Athena in another set-up mode - created a clever irrigation system to clear out the stables with, Eurystheus had nearly had a fit.
When Hebe was done Ariadne was laughing out loud.
"Hera was right," she said.
"What?" Herakles and Hebe choired.
"This really is the funny side of the street. I sure must come here more often."
*** THE END***