Well, there hasn't been a plot bunny willing to dictate an entire story in these parts for some time, but this one did pop out from behind a large upright freezer and sing me a little song. Presumably this makes it another escapee, so here it is. It happened after I stumbled upon a kids' show called Veggie Tales - go and look up 'The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything', and you'll see just how catchy the damned tune was. Anyway, this damned bunny insisted on giving it a bit of a re-write, to produce...
Another tune from 'Supernatural – The Jimiverse Musical'!
The Hunters Who Don't Do Anything
Sam: Look, I'm not complaining about the idea of taking a day off, or even singing a silly song about it...
Dean: I am complaining about these board shorts. Shouldn't they be longer? And not so tight?
Lampito: You want to go with the stripper pirate outfits again?
Sam: NO! It's just that, well, something resembling functional elastic in the waistband would've been nice. And why are we slathered in suntan oil for an indoor set?
Lampito: Because The Denizens like the idea of you oiled up. As it was, I had to insist on the board shorts.
Sam: You shameless panderer.
Lampito: You betcha.
Dean: I don't even know the tune!
Lampito: Oh, FFS, here, let me show you.
She takes out her phone and finds 'The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything' from Veggie Tales to play for them.
Sam: Heh heh, that is kind of a funny song.
Dean: Ergh! Yuck! Vegetables are gross! Is there one with singing doughnuts, and singing pie?
Lampito (brandishing pointy stick): Probably, but if there is you'll go out there wearing chocolate glazing, and a dusting of powdered sugar, and big smiles.
Dean: Huh, I've been covered in worse...
Lampito: And nothing else.
Winchesters: Aaaaaaaaaargh!
Lampito (still waving stick menacingly): Now, get out there, lounge around languidly, maybe writhe a bit, and sing the song.
Sam and Dean make their way on stage, eyeing the pointy stick warily. They take their places on the banana lounges, trying not to slide around too much, carefully pick up their drinks, and start to sing.
We are the Hunters who don't do anything,
We just sit at home, and drink our beer,
And if you ask us to Hunt anything,
We'll tell you, we don't do anything.
Dean: Well I've never stabbed a shojo
And I've never shot a werewolf
And I've never torched a wendigo, those bastards are so tall,
And I've never dug a grave up
And I've never killed a demon
And I've never been to Boston in the fall.
Sam: Well I've never drawn a sigil
And I've never made a hex bag
And I've never stopped a leprechaun with salt to make him stall,
And I've never brewed a potion
And I've never read a grimoire
And I've never been to Boston in the fall.
Both: We are the Hunters who don't do anything,
We just sit at home, and drink our beer,
And if you ask us to Hunt anything,
We'll tell you, we don't do anything.
Dean: Well I've never knifed a banshee
And I've never staked a trickster
And I've never immolated any rugaru at all,
And I've never nuked a fairy
And I've never used the First Blade
And I've never been to Boston in the fall.
Sam: Well I've never done a séance
And I've never ganked a vampire
And I've never drawn a sign to banish angels on a wall,
And I've never caged the Devil
And I've never killed a hellhound
And I've never been to Boston in the fall.
Dean: Well I've never screwed a singer
Never bonked a ballerina
And I've never done it with a llama herder from Nepal,
And I've never porked a pilot
And I've never sexed a sculptor
And I've never bedded women in the fall.
Sam: Llamas are from South America!
Dean: They're an introduced species.
Sam: That was alpacas.
Dean: Whatever.
Well I've never shagged a soldier
And I've never laid a lawyer
And I've never fornicated with a doctor who's on call,
And I've never slept with sisters
And I've never tapped a tailor
And I've never bedded women in the fall.
Sam: You're supposed to be singing a funny song about not doing Hunting things!
Dean: Well I've never banged in showers
And I've never boned in spa baths
And I've never done the deed beneath a tree or waterfall,
And I've never balled on buses
And I've never schtupped on sofas
And I've never bedded women in the fall.
Sam: Dean!
Dean: Sam is the Hunter who won't do anyone,
He'd rather stay home and read a book,
And if I ask him, have you done anyone,
He'll just tell me...
Sam: Screw you, jerk.
With a searing Bitchface in place, Sam gets up from his banana lounge to stomp off stage. The amount of suntan oil all over him makes him lose his footing; he slides across the stage and lands in the first row. The Denizens seated there are not at all unhappy about that.
Dean: Sam!
Before Dean can go to his brother's rescue, the second row open up with their supersoakers full of chocolate sauce. He too slides off the stage. Shenanigans ensue.
Curtain comes down. The Driver sighs, and begins to mop the stage. Lampito retires to the box office, cackling, to count her reviews.
fin