Chapter Twenty-Five:
Someone Else
Zack awoke slowly, his senses coming dully to alert. Something was wrong, but through his drug-induced drowsiness, he couldn't seem to hold a clear thought long enough to identify the source of his sense of foreboding. Calm down, he told himself, an old lesson from his childhood rising to the front of his mind. Never react before fully assessing the situation. Panicking gives the opponent the upper hand. Taking a calming breath, he tried to sort the sensations one by one. Maybe he could make them make sense that way.
Light, yes, there was light on the other side of his closed eyelids, so it must be daylight. No, wait, it didn't feel like sunlight on his face. It was artificial lighting then, so there was no telling just what time it was, or where he was, for that matter. His nose twitched slightly as he took in the scent of antiseptic. A hospital, perhaps? Yes, he must be in a hospital. A moment later, he was able to sort out the tenderness in his ribcage, then the weight of a heavy bandage on his arm, and then the dam broke. Everything hurt, he realized suddenly, from the top of his head right down to the tips of his toes . . . and someone was holding his hand.
His hand fluttered ever-so-slightly at the almost familiar sensation as his mind searched for focus. Where was he? What was going on? The last thing he remembered was . . . was fighting with Katya. Gazing up at her tear-stained face as she dug him out of the rubble . . .
No . . . He winced as the memory of that fight rose to mind. He remembered grabbing her hand, knowing it was injured and using that against her. He'd brought her to her knees in pain, all the while ignoring that nagging voice in the back of his mind that screamed to him that he didn't really want to do it . . . only he hadn't had a choice.
Why hadn't he had a choice? Why had he been fighting her, again? He couldn't seem to remember, but he had to. He lowered his brow, trying to dig out that memory. Yes, there it was. She'd been trying to stop him from doing something . . . but what? In another moment he had the answer . . . and he felt goose bumps run down his back. He'd been trying to kill Logan . . . because Logan was Eyes Only . . . and because Manticore had tricked him into it.
Suddenly, in a blinding flash, it all came back to him, the torture, the brainwashing, and the nightmares that had been tormenting him since that last view of Katya's tear-stained face. He felt the breath catch in his throat.
What have I done . . .
Exactly what Manticore wanted you to do, came the answer.
After all these years, Manticore had finally gotten him, and they had turned him into a monster, into a mindless, will-less machine. They had even taken away his choice to die. There wasn't a doubt in his mind that he would have killed Logan if he'd gotten the chance, and, if she'd gotten in the way, he would have gone through Max to do it.
Max . . .
Oh God . . . All this time he'd been trying to protect Max, trying to protect all of them. All those years ago, as he'd led them on a mad dash through the Wyoming snow, that had been his only thought. He'd even died for Max, sacrificed his life so that she could live, but none of that would have mattered if Katya hadn't stopped him, because Manticore had turned him into the very threat he'd been protecting them from for so long. Or rather, trying to protect them from.
They'd turned him into the enemy, and even though he knew he'd been powerless to stop it, he hated himself at that moment, hated himself with all the passion that had fueled his hatred of Manticore since the night of the escape.
We have met the enemy, he thought bitterly to himself. And he is us.
But Katya, what had he done to Katya?
"Come on, big brother," came a familiar voice. "I know you're awake." He felt a reassuring squeeze on his right hand, perhaps the strangest sensation of all. He wasn't used to having someone hold his hand, and digging back through his foggy memories, he couldn't remember the last time anyone had, not counting Katya. In fact he'd lay odds on the fact that no one before her ever had. Taking a deep breath, he opened his eyes.
"Decided to join us?" Jondy asked teasingly, one corner of her mouth tilted upward. He stared at her, remembering the lines of her face as it slowly came into focus above his own. But he could see something in her eyes, some worry that she was trying to keep hidden from him, perhaps from everyone.
His eyes drifted up over Jondy's shoulder to the man standing behind her. He paused for a moment, trying to sort through the memories. Mikhail. On the other side of the bed stood Tanya and Sergei, but where was Katya? His heart skipped a beat. Had he hurt her worse than he'd thought? Aside from her hand, she'd seemed fine physically in his last confused glimpse of her, but what if there was something that he couldn't remember about that fight? What if . . . He moistened his lips and opened his mouth to speak, but the words came out as a whisper.
"Where's Katya?"
Where's Katya? It was the last thing Jondy ever would have expected to hear. She'd been dreading this moment since they'd brought him here to Metro Medical, and she'd spent the last few hours searching her soul for the best way to handle the situation. She'd thought she'd been prepared. She'd been expecting a "Where is he?" or a "Did I kill him?" or maybe even a "Where's Max?", and she'd prepared herself to deal with any of those questions, but those two simple words left her completely at a loss. Of course, it also meant that he remembered the fight.
He remembered, and injured or not, he still had the orders Manticore had given him. Certainly he was too weak now to get up and go after Logan again, but that was why the 44's were here, wasn't it? To be here, just in case? Was he angry with Katya? Was she a target now, too? Glancing nervously at Sergei and Tanya, she decided that Zack was in no condition to cause any damage at the moment, and she leaned slightly to the side.
At first Zack didn't understand. He was tired, and his eyelids were already becoming unbearably heavy, but as his eyes struggled to remain focused on Jondy, another figure came into view. Back behind her, leaning against the far wall, Zack could make out Katya's figure. Her hand was bandaged, he realized as he felt his stomach sink, and she was standing as far away from his bed as she could possibly be without leaving the room, but it was the expression on her face that got him, and the way she studied him so carefully with those wary green eyes.
And for a moment, the pain of that realization overshadowed every aching bone and muscle in his body. He swallowed slowly as his eyes fell back to the bandage on her wrist.
He'd hurt her, and he hated himself for it. And now, looking across the room at her, at the distrust in her eyes, he knew she had good reason for feeling the way she did. After what he'd tried to do, after what he'd done to her, she'd never trust him again . . . and he couldn't blame her a bit.
"I'm sorry," he whispered to no one and everyone at the same time. Noticing Jondy's look of confusion, he belatedly realized that she'd probably never heard him speak those particular words aloud. No, he'd never been one to apologize, not until recently anyway. Apologies were a waste of time, a waste of energy that never really mattered because they didn't undo the original mistake, and he'd never bothered with them before now for those simple reasons. So why was he bothering now?
Because he'd gone soft, he realized in an instant. He'd forgotten what it was to be on the run, to spend more time watching behind you than in front of you. It was a mistake he couldn't continue to make.
Turning his eyes back to Jondy, he saw the confusion melt into warmth, and she gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. Yes, there was Jondy, always trying to take care of someone, trying to play the mother, and here she was, trying to make him feel comfortable, even though she didn't know that it was over. She didn't know that Logan's life wasn't in danger any more, at least not from him. He took a deep breath and returned her squeeze.
"It's okay, Jondy." His voice was getting stronger, even if he was still tired. It sounded more like a croak now than a whisper. "I remember . . . I know what they did to me. I'm not going to try to kill him again." It hurt to make such an admission, to acknowledge what Manticore had done to him, and to concede his part in it all. He watched as she regarded him cautiously for a moment, as if not quite sure what to believe, then she reached up to wipe the hair from the bandage at his forehead and smiled.
"It's okay. You need to rest. Dr. Carr's looking after you, and he says you need to keep quiet and let those nanocyte things do their job, okay?"
Zack studied her for a moment through heavy-lidded eyes. Yes, he was still tired. They'd probably had him under some sort of anesthesia, a thought that made him more than a little bit uncomfortable, and a lot had happened in the last twenty-four hours, but he couldn't just lay here. With so many dangers at their backs, he had to keep moving. Forcing his eyelids to stay open, he watched a frown cross Jondy's face, as if she were reading his mind.
"For once, Zack, just stay put. We're all out here watching, and if anything happens, we'll take care of you, okay?" She frowned down at his determined expression and tried one more time. "Look, you're in no condition to go running around outside. If anybody's out there looking for you, they'll have no problem catching up to you like this. You're safer in here where you can just lay low. Don't worry," she said as she glanced up at her companions, "they're keeping an eye out for trouble too, okay?"
It was on the tip of his tongue to refuse, and at any other time, he certainly would, but he was so desperately tired, and she was right. In this condition, he'd be an easy target for anyone hunting transgenics. Besides, he'd seen what one 44 could do. With four 44's and several X5's around, Jondy was probably right. He'd be fine with them around.
And so, with his tired eyelids sliding downward, Zack gave a simple nod and did something he'd never done before.
He let someone else take care of him.
"I don't care if Mrs. Dreyer doesn't tip," Normal yelled across the din of the busy room. "You aren't going on break until that package is delivered, and that's final." Without waiting for a response from his unhappy messenger, he turned and reached for his coffee. "Unwashed miscreants," he muttered under his breath.
From his place in the corner, Logan wiggled uneasily in his seat. He'd only been here for a few hours, and he was already forming a new respect for Max and Original Cindy. How did they put up with this everyday? Whatever little they got paid for this job, it couldn't be nearly enough. "Look, I'm really sorry to be in the way. I can leave if-"
"No, don't worry about it," Normal interrupted as he studied a paper attached to his clipboard. "No problem at all."
Sure, Logan thought. No problem at all.
Scooting around in his seat some more, he tried to get comfortable. For a moment, he was glad that he couldn't feel anything on the lower end of his body. He'd been sitting for so long that his rear-end was probably numb. His back was already killing him.
It had been Jondy's idea to bring him here. She'd been afraid of what might happen if he was around when Zack woke up, and she didn't want to take him to any obvious location, just in case Zack was somehow able to come after him, so she'd called in a favor. Annoying or not, he had to admit that JamPony was definitely not somewhere Zack would think to look for him, and he certainly had enough witnesses. Alec was, of course, playing bodyguard, and even though he'd spent most of the morning across the room, Logan could tell that the X5 wasn't missing a thing. He frowned as the phone beside his ear rang for at least the hundredth time that morning, and he glanced up as Normal answered it.
"Thank you for calling JamPony. How may I help you?" Logan had heard the phrase so many times today that he was sure he'd hear it in his sleep for at least a week. "Oh, hey, how are things?" He glanced up to see that Normal was motioning towards the phone at the far end of the counter. "Okay, sure. I'll put him on," he told the person on the other end of the conversation, then reached up to hit the hold button. "Line 2," he told Logan as he turned to hand a package to another messenger, though Logan could tell he was still paying close attention.
"Hello?"
"Well, hello there, Cale," came Jondy's familiar voice. "You and Reggie havin' fun?"
"Tons." He listened to her chuckle as Alec made his way across the room to the counter. "So," he asked nervously, "what's going on?"
"Well, he just woke up briefly. He talked a little, and then zonked out again, but there's definitely some good news." It must have been very good news, because she was sounding considerably more upbeat than she had the last time she'd called.
"How good?" he asked, trying not to hold his breath.
"Well, apparently his memory's back, all of it. He woke up, apologized, and said that he remembered Manticore torturing him and trying to convince him to kill you. Just before he fell asleep again, he said he wasn't going to try to kill you again." Logan paused a moment, considering.
"Are we sure he's not lying?" he finally asked. "What if it's just bait?"
"No, it's not bait, don't worry. He didn't really seem all that concerned about you, except to say that he wasn't going to kill you, and he didn't mention Max at all. He seems more concerned about . . . other things." Logan wondered briefly just what those 'other things' might be, but decided to leave it at that.
"How's Max?"
"Like new. I don't know how comfortable Dr. Carr's sofa is, but she was out like a light as soon as she lay down. She just woke up a few minutes ago." Jondy smiled at the relieved sigh she heard through the phone. "Anyway, I figured I'd better call and let you know that the coast is clear."
"Thanks. I'll be over as soon as I can get there."
"No problem. Hey, can I talk to Reggie again?"
"Sure," Logan said, motioning to Normal. Alec frowned as he watched his boss pick up on the other phone.
"That was Jondy, she said that-"
"Zack woke up and remembered everything," Alec put in. He gestured briefly towards his ear before lowering his hand and turning the gesture into a neck rub in case anyone was watching.
"Yeah," Logan said. He'd forgotten about that super-sensitive transgenic hearing. "I'm heading back to the hospital," he called back over his shoulder as he grabbed his coat and headed out the door.
"Wouldn't want to miss your woman," Alec muttered as he watched Logan leave, then he turned towards his boss and watched as Normal hung up the phone. He studied him for a moment, then slid down the counter towards the pickup window.
"So," he said, leaning closer, "what's up with you and Jondy, anyway?"
For a moment, Normal had to struggle to keep the amusement from his face. No, he couldn't let down his work persona, not for Alec anyway. "Just an old friend," he answered vaguely as he made his way down a package checklist.
Alec pressed on. "How old? I mean, how'd you guys meet anyway?" Normal looked up from his clipboard for a moment, as if pondering his answer.
"Well, I've actually known her since '09. She ran in front of my car one morning on the way to work. Messed up the hood and broke out a headlight." With an ambiguous shrug, he turned to the stack of packages beside him. "Well, Logan's gone, and you don't have to hang around here, so I'm going to have to make you work for a living, now, aren't I?"
"Huh?" Alec hadn't realized that Normal knew why he'd been sticking around. He'd thought that Normal had simply overlooked giving him any packages.
"421 Montgomery," he said as he handed Alec a brown packing tube. Then he turned to hand a package to another messenger. Alec stared at him a moment, trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together. He'd ask Max about it sometime, he decided as he turned to go.
"Hey," he heard Normal call from behind him. Turning, he saw him motioning him back.
"What do you need, boss?" he asked as he sauntered back to the counter.
"Don't take all day about it, okay?" Alec nodded and turned to go as Normal leaned forward to whisper in his ear. "And pull up your collar would you? Your barcode's showing again." With that, Normal turned and walked back to the far counter to study a ledger book, leaving Alec standing alone at the window with a bewildered expression. After a moment, he reached up, discretely adjusted his collar, and made his way towards the door. Sending one last baffled look in Normal's direction, he decided that he would definitely have to ask Max about this one.
When Zack awoke again several hours later, it only took a few seconds for him to remember where he was. He still hurt, but he was already feeling much better. The tenderness in his ribs had receded into a dull ache, rather than the pounding pain from before, and the throbbing in his temples had nearly gone. Closing his eyes, he tried to go back to sleep, but sleep eluded him, so he lay there, wide awake, his gaze fixed on the ceiling above.
And now that he was awake, all he could do was think.
To tell the truth, he felt guilty about what he'd almost done to Logan. He didn't exactly like Logan, but he didn't exactly want to kill the guy, either. Maybe he was a danger to Max, but Logan had also stuck his neck out to help them in the past, especially that fateful night when they'd tried to take down Manticore, and even he could admit that Logan's help had been invaluable. Jealous? Of course he was jealous. He'd always cared for Max, and knowing that she loved Logan instead of him was like a sucker punch to the gut, but he still didn't want to kill Logan. And if Logan loved Max back, he couldn't exactly blame him for that, either, could he? Certainly not when he knew the feeling himself. Zack sighed. He could acknowledge the fact that Max loved Logan, even if he didn't like him, and he knew how much hurting Logan would hurt Max. He didn't want to hurt Max, but what was he supposed to do? He didn't have the slightest clue.
Frowning slightly, he turned his head to the side, his gaze moving from the ceiling to stare at the hallway outside the window. There, standing just outside his room, gazing in at him hesitantly, stood Katya.
For a moment they merely gazed at each other, each mapping and analyzing the anxiety in the other's eyes, both wondering if the other would ever trust them again. Then, taking a deep breath and rallying her courage, Katya stepped away from the window and entered the room.
She'd thought that the air had been heavy out in the hallway, but she'd been wrong. In here, it felt as if it was weighed down by some unseen force from above, and she was finding it hard to breath. Taking a few more steps forward, she came to rest at the end of Zack's bed, her eyes leaving his only briefly to quickly survey his injuries, but when her gaze came back to his, it was the cuts, bruises, and bandages that registered in her mind, not the look on his face. Speak now or forever hold your peace . . . She took a deep breath and opened her mouth to speak.
"Hey," was all that came out. She didn't really know what else to say. It hurt to look at him, to remember her part in what had happened, to remember the look on his face as she'd dug him out of the rubble . . .
"Hey." It sounded so pathetic to his own ears when he really wanted to take her hand in his and beg for her forgiveness, but no, he couldn't do that. Several days ago, he might have, but an apology would do no good now. No words could take away the pain he had caused her, nothing would.
"How are you feeling?" she asked, feeling like a hypocrite. What kind of a person beats the snot out of someone and then comes to inquire as to their welfare? She winced at the thought.
Damn it. He'd hurt her. The pain was right there in her eyes, and there wasn't a damn thing he could do to take it away from her. He wished briefly that his bed was right beside of a wall. Maybe then he could have turned and taken out some of his frustration on the innocent drywall, but the closest wall was six feet away, and he didn't need to let an outburst like that come out when Katya was right here. Just what she needs, right? To see me beat up on something else?
"I'm alright. I've had worse." He frowned at the bandage on her wrist, mentally kicking himself. "What about you?" He watched the corner of her mouth come up in an attempted half-smile.
"I'm alright. I've had worse." And then her failed attempt at a smile fell, and her eyes left his face and focused on the far wall, as if she couldn't bear to look at him.
Why are you so surprised? he asked himself suddenly. He lived a dangerous life, and anyone who crossed his path ran the risk of being hurt. He'd let Katya get caught in the crossfire because he'd forgotten the risks he ran by being what he was. It was too late to undo what he'd already done, but maybe he could keep from hurting her further. She didn't seem to be able to stand the sight of him now, so the sooner she didn't have to look at him, the better.
"Any word on how much longer they're trying to keep me here?" He watched as her eyes drifted back from the wall to meet his own. She shrugged.
"Not too much longer, I'm sure." She managed a half-decent smile. "You heal a lot faster than Dr. Carr's normal clientele."
"Yeah." He paused and took a deep breath. "I'm just kind of anxious to get out of Seattle."
If he saw the pain those words sent through her, he didn't show it, but it amazed Katya that she hadn't doubled over. So that was it. He still wanted to go. He'd come to Seattle and tried to kill Logan, but now that he'd changed his mind about that, he had no reason to stay, not even for her.
And just as quickly as it had come, the pain vanished, leaving only anger in its wake.
"Don't you ever get tired of running?"
Her question caught him off-guard, but only for a moment. Of course he did, that was why they'd attacked Manticore that night, wasn't it? So they wouldn't have to run anymore? But see where that got us, he thought bitterly.
"It doesn't matter if I get tired of it or not. I have to do it." A bit of defensiveness crept into his tone.
"But how much have you left behind you?" she pressed. She was lucky, she realized. Maybe she lived a life on the run, too, but she wasn't constantly moving, and besides, she took her family with her. How could he stand to live a live devoid of any real human relationships?
Maybe he doesn't want any, she thought to herself, and that thought hurt a little more.
"I haven't left anything behind," came the answer, and for a moment, Katya heard an echo behind his voice. Never think about the things you want that you just can't have, never become too comfortable with your situation, and never tie yourself down so tightly that you can't run if you need to.
Zack had followed her own rules better than she had, Katya realized suddenly. Since she'd met Zack, she'd broken them all. She'd let herself imagine a life with him, one that she realized now she couldn't have. She'd become too comfortable with him, deluded herself into thinking that they just might have a chance, and now that she didn't want to leave him, he was taking that choice away from her.
She wondered briefly about the changes she'd watched in him since they'd met. She'd fallen in love with him before he'd remembered everything, and she couldn't help but wonder who the "real" Zack was. Had he only just remembered enough to remember who he was? Or was the man she had fallen in love with the "real" Zack? Was the man before her no more than a cleverly constructed façade, a mask that he had erected against the real world?
In the end, it didn't matter, not really. If he wanted to leave, then there was nothing she could do to make him stay. Trying to convince him otherwise would only be a waste of her time.
So why was she still here in this room? If it was over, then it was over, and no matter how much it hurt, there was nothing she could do. She took a steadying breath.
"You lead a very lonely life, don't you?" she asked, then frowned and turned back towards the door. She would never know just how close she had come to the truth, because even though she stopped as she lay a hand on the door handle, she never turned back to face him, she was too busy hiding her tears, and she never saw just how deeply her remark had cut.
"I fell in love with the person you let yourself be before you remembered that you were supposed to be someone else," she said, trying to control the shaking of her hand against the doorknob. "I see now that I was mistaken, and I hope that I haven't been too much of an inconvenience for you." She swallowed, trying to keep the sound of tears from her voice. "Good luck, Zack. Goodbye." And then she was gone.