Chapter 25: You're not Worthless
The next morning Remus left early in the morning, not bothering to wake his dorm mates and friends, simply leaving, though he wasn't really going as far as anyone thought. He had told everyone last night (everyone being James, Sirius, Peter and Cassi) that he was going home to visit his mother who was ill, really he was going to a secret hospital room located in the Hospital Wing. This room was reserved for him when he had his transformations, 1 day before the moon and 1 day after. He spent his actual transformation in the Shrieking Shack that was connected to Hogwarts by a secret passage under the incredibly vicious Whomping Willow.
Remus was dreading this transformation more than any of the others, save for his first one after he had been bit. He was in a new place, with new friends that the wolf brain had never thought about before; this was bound to be one of the worst he ever had. He had to lie to his new, unsuspecting friends, Remus wasn't even sure if you could count them as friends since their friendship was based on a lack of communication, particularly about the fact that he, Remus, was a werewolf. He was horrible monster, a fiend, he didn't deserve friendship, he didn't deserve the chance to come to Hogwarts considering what he was.
But he was here. He was at Hogwarts and he had friends, even if they didn't know about him, they could still be friends the other 353 days a year, they didn't have to know what went on those 12 days. Remus was at Hogwarts, he had friends, and he deserved it. After all the crap he'd been through, all the crap he goes through…he deserves friends. He deserves to be care free and to be a regular teenager.
Remus' mind was always filled with conflicting opinions of himself at the full moon. Part of him though he was a horrendous monster and part of him thought that he wasn't really that bad, he was still human, even if it was only a part of him.
Now he walked to Dumbledore's office for their meeting before he would go to the room that only he and the professors knew about. This was bound to be a long day.
While Remus wrestled with his inner demons, the girls and Marauders were busy getting ready for their day of school. Once they were at breakfast, Cassi met up with her fellow Marauders.
"Has Remus left already?"
"Yeah, before we even got up, he didn't wake us." James answered shovelling food into his mouth.
"James, you eat like a troll."
"I...ru...Roh" He answered still chewing.
"You know the scariest part about that is that I actually understood what you said, and yes you do." James rolled his eyes and continued to eat crazily, Sirius wasn't too much better either, in fact it was kind of strange how they somewhat mirrored each others movements.
The rest of the day dragged on, classes blurring into one another as homework was piled on. Unfortunately, the Marauders, minus Remus had a detention that night. It was at 7 and didn't require anything too laborious; they simply had to polish the trophies, which didn't take too long when it was divided by four people.
By 8:00 all the trophies, were polished and the four friends made their way back to Gryffindor Tower.
"I swear those trophies are only there as a punishment." James said as they climbed up the long staircase.
"I know how many trophies does one school need? Does anyone even know how many there are?"
"643." Cassi answered without hesitation.
"You counted?" Sirius asked looking at her like she was mad.
"No, I didn't, not all of them. I usually do around 129, and assuming everyone does the same amount, which I'm pretty sure you guys do, then that would be 129 multiplied by 5 of us for a total of 643. Though tonight there was only four of us so we did a few more each." James and Sirius stared at Cassi in shock, open-mouthed. "What? I'm good at math."
"You could say that." James said shaking his head.
"I'm pretty sure that room is just used for punishments too. Did you know there's a trophy for the Bloody Baron for being the bloodiest Hogwarts ghost?"
"Yeah well I found one for Peeves being the biggest trouble maker, 1990 to present." Sirius said shaking his head.
"I say we take that trophy. I purpose that we, the Marauders (Remus included); set a goal to have that trophy by the time we graduate. All in favour say 'ay'" Cassi said sounding like a member of parliament purposing a bill.
"Ay" The boys responded, even Pete, who rarely says anything, joined in the chorus.
:.:.:
The next day passed much in the same fashion, though for once they didn't have any outstanding detentions and they didn't receive any new ones. The Marauders had the night free.
So how did they spend it? Playing Exploding Snap and nearly causing the entire Common to catch fire. Well, really it was only Sirius and James who did that. Peter sat watching them and Cassi sat in one of the many window seats looking out at the sky quietly.
She had meant to read a book, but as soon as she sat down the light of the full moon glistened on the page calling her attention to the grounds. They looked eerie tonight with the large round moon illuminating the glassy lake. The trees cast creepy shadows every where and the blowing wind caused them to dance about the fall grass. The sight should have been unsettling and it was a little. But Cassi couldn't help but admire the beauty of it all. Everything just looked…surreal, like a still frame captured by the most skilled artist. Nothing was positioned or poised, but that's what made it beautiful. The entire night was disconcerted; it left a feeling of anxiousness and worry running down Cassi's spine. Something told her that this was not just a regular night, not just a regular full moon…and that's when she heard it.
Far in the distance, very faint, was a howl, sounding out to the moon. It would not have been heard by the other students who were busy with themselves, but to Cassi, who was just sitting there thinking about the grounds, the howl was clear. One would think that she would have been scared of it, a menacing howl filling her ears, but it wasn't. The howl was familiar. Only once did it grace her ears, floating over on the unnerving wind, but it stuck with Cassi, echoing slightly in her mind as she thought to the howls she had heard growing up.
Instantly Cassi thought of her cousin, Adam, the one who was no longer with them. She had only just started to think of him, think of the night and what it meant, when Lily walked over to her, shaking Cassi from her reverie.
"We're going up now, you coming? I think the boys are too, well, I think they actually were sent to their rooms, so…" Cassi nodded her agreement and stood, following her friend up the narrow staircase to their dormitory.
:.:.:
The night past somewhat restlessly for Cassi, though she slept, she didn't fully relax. Something was bothering her, but she didn't know what it was. She hadn't heard any more howls and didn't think about her cousin, but still…something was off.
Cassi was up at 5 that morning. She just couldn't sleep, so she got dressed in jeans and a warm sweatshirt and walked down the stairs to the Common Room. The fires that had been burning last night were extinguished and the entire tower was still asleep. Everything was dark and quiet. Eventually, Cassi found her way over to the Portrait hole.
She walked silently over to the Entrance Hall and down to the grounds breathing in the crisp fall air. It was roughly 5:30 and the first rays of light were only beginning to show now. Cassi walked along the lake side, the surreal sensation of the grounds still there from last night. Everything was very silent and Cassi did her best not to disturb it.
Cassi was walking along the dewy grass taking in her surroundings as an early morning breeze blew past her. The Whomping Willow was in front of her, though she wasn't quite at its base, and it was still. It was uncharacteristically still.
Then a figure, a familiar figure at that, emerged from the roots of the tree. Clearly this person was injured, they limped slowly and what must have been painfully toward the castle, weaving slightly from side to side.
It's Remus. The thought came to Cassi's mind as she rushed over to the figure she had just identified as her friend. She didn't think about the fact that Remus was supposed to be miles away visiting his sick mother, or the fact that he just came out of the roots of a vicious tree. All Cassi cared about was getting to him and making sure he was alright.
Cassi ran up and stopped in front of the swaying and badly injured Remus. She grasped his forearm firmly with her hand to help steady him, then without a word moved so that she was beside him, his arm around her shoulder. One of her hands held Remus', the one she had draped over her shoulder, and the other was around his waist. Slowly they began walking toward the Castle, Cassi trying to keep Remus steady and upright.
"Remus, you're alright, just a little bit further." She said encouragingly.
This situation wasn't all too strange for her. Cassi had helped her older cousin walk back to the house after one of his transformations-
Oh my Godric, Remus is a werewolf. The poor guy, going through all of this alone…
Just then Madame Pomfrey appeared at the entrance to Hogwarts. Cassi and Remus weren't too far away from it now, only 10 feet or so. As soon as she saw the limping figure, Madame Pomfrey knew it was Remus, but what stunned her was the other figure supporting Remus'. She hadn't been aware that anyone else was going to help Remus to the castle, and besides, the figure looked to be a student.
Oh no, how are we going to explain this. She thought as she hurried over to where Remus and the mystery person were walking. This is going to be interesting. It seems that this was a bad one- The matron's thoughts stopped short as she saw the state Remus was in. She was closer to them now, and could easily make out the faces and details of the two students.
Remus had scratches and cuts all over him. His entire body was mangled and he could barely keep himself upright, depending more and more on the person beside him who was talking to him soothingly. Remus' face was no exception to the cuts and blood that covered his body, his left arm was torn open and bleeding freely, and the hand over the person's shoulder had a gash in it.
Madam Pomfrey's breath caught in her throat and she felt tears welling in her eyes at the sight of the young student in front of her. That was when she remembered the other student. Her eyes flashed to the person's face seeing that it was a girl who looked to be Remus' age. She didn't seem too bothered by the blood that was dripping onto her sweater, but it clearly pained her to see a boy she obviously knew go through so much, Madam Pomfrey could only guess that this girl had no idea what Remus went through, what he was going through, yet she remained calm as she guided him to the castle.
"Please help me," The girl said as she came closer to Madam Pomfrey.
"Yes of course, we need to get him to the hospital wing." Madam Pomfrey said as she took Remus' other side.
All the way up to the wing, the young girl never stopped talking quietly to Remus, speaking softly and soothingly. When they reached the wing, Madam Pomfrey led them over to Remus' special room, not caring at the moment that this other student wasn't supposed to know it existed. Remus had fallen unconscious on the walk up and the girl became quiet.
They laid him on the bed that was set up and the girl stood by Remus' bed holding his limp hand as Madam Pomfrey rushed to get the potions that would take away the pain.
"Is there anything I can do?" She asked. Madam Pomfrey looked somewhat flustered; she had to give him potions and heal his wounds and get more potions and the chocolate. Cassi, of course, knew all this since she had gone through it with her cousin, and so she offered to help.
Madam Pomfrey handed her a rack of different coloured potions and Cassi let go of Remus' hand and set it on the bedside table.
"Give these to him" Pomfrey said as she went to a cabinet to get more supplies, she was about to continue with the order that they needed to be given in when she turned around to see the girl pouring the potions down Remus' throat.
She had started with the bright blue one before moving on to the dark green one, Pomfrey looked quite surprised since that was the order the potions were supposed to be given in and the rack that had held them all had not been in order. The girl continued by giving Remus the dark pink potion and finally the dark blue one, then she looked up at Madam Pomfrey and it seemed as though the girl was wondering where the bandages and ointment was.
Pomfrey returned to her work, setting down the bandages and ointment on a table at the foot of the bed and as she began dressing Remus' wounds the girl cleansed the minor ones with the ointment and bandaged them. It seemed as though this girl, whoever she was, knew what she was doing.
When they had finished bandaging Remus, Madam Pomfrey turned to the girl who was watching Remus with concern.
"And who might you be?" She asked not knowing how else to start. The girl seemed to remember that the Matron didn't know who she was and turned to her with a small smile.
"Cassidy Taylor, Madam."
"And why were you outside so early in the morning?" Madam Pomfrey, though she did not question students, she had often seen McGonagall do it, and so employed the same tactics.
"I couldn't sleep, so I went for a walk and then I saw Remus and here we are." She explained glancing at the unconscious boy. Madam Pomfrey frowned; she didn't know what else to say without mentioning Remus' condition.
"I'm going to have to ask you to wait in my office, I need to fetch McGonagall."
Cassi nodded understanding that Pomfrey didn't want to leave her alone with Remus in case he woke up in which case he would feel the need to explain, and so went without fuss to the Matron's office. Though as soon as she sat down she heard the door to the Hospital Wing swing open. Looking up, Cassi saw that Professor McGonagall had walked into the wing, evidently to check up on Remus. Madam Pomfrey walked hurriedly out of her office and began to explain exactly what had happened to her. McGonagall's face went from disbelief, to shock and finally staying worried.
From the room leading off Madam Pomfrey's office Cassi heard Remus groan and shift slightly in his bed causing a sharp intake of breath when he did. Cassi was torn, did she go and see him or wait. If she went to see him he might be upset that she knew, but right now he was in pain and could really use some chocolate. Cassi decided that she would go remind the sidetracked women about their first concern, the werewolf in the next room.
She walked up to McGonagall, her sweatshirt splotched with Remus' blood.
"Um, professor, Remus is awake and he could really use some chocolate, I'd go myself but that might cause a bit of an issue." She said after a moment where the two women just stared at Cassi, Madam Pomfrey nodded and headed into Remus' room.
Telling Cassi to stay in the office, McGonagall joined Madam Pomfrey in Remus' room.
"Mr Lupin I'm afraid there's something we need to tell you about, there was a bit of a…complication last night." McGonagall began as Remus ate the chocolate Madam Pomfrey gave him, he looked up at her slightly worried, actually he was terrified that he had gotten out of the Shrieking Shack and had hurt someone.
"A-a complication?" He stuttered.
"Yes, it seems that as you were making your way back to the castle to meet Madam Pomfrey, one of your friends, who was outside for Merlin-knows-why, saw you and helped you into the castle." Remus' eyes bulged and he chocked on the chocolate he was trying to swallow.
"WH-what? WH-who wa-was it?" Remus said between coughs.
"Cassidy Taylor." Remus' face which had been a mixture of surprise and worry changed to an extreme sadness.
"So she knows?" He asked swallowing visibly.
"That's what we aren't sure about. When Madam Pomfrey was giving you your potions, Miss Taylor offered to help. When she was allowed, she knew instantly the order that the potions had to be given in and how to treat your wounds. We haven't mentioned anything about your…condition, and Madam Pomfrey didn't before but it seems that she knows. Now it is up to you Mr Lupin whether you tell her or pretend it was something else." McGonagall finished.
Great, now I have to guess whether she'll freak and tell the whole school if I tell her or whether she'll go along with an 'I fell out of a tree' story. Remus thought bitterly.
"For what its worth, Remus she didn't seem to be at all…disturbed by the possibility, but we are still only assuming that she knows at all." Madam Pomfrey added. "She seemed concerned about you; I think you should talk to her."
Remus nodded still not sure what he was going to tell her when she came in, but she deserved to hear some sort of explanation. McGonagall and Pomfrey left the room, and a few seconds later Cassi came in worry and relief all over her face.
She rushed over to his bed and gave him a small smile before giving him a hug, careful not to hurt him. Remus hugged her back hesitantly; this was going to be interesting. When she let go of him and sat on the edge of his bed gently, Remus sighed and looked away from her.
Meeting her eyes again, he decided to tell her the truth.
"Cassi, I haven't been totally honest with you-" He started but Cassi cut him off.
"Remus it's alright, I know…I know that you have lycanthropy." She said staring at him with a small smile on her face. Remus looked away, tears springing to his eyes as he realised she would not want to be his friend anymore.
"I-I understand if you no longer want to talk to me, but please could you maybe not tell anyone?" He asked still looking down at his fidgeting hands. Cassi put one of her hands over his.
"Remus, I'm not going to stop being friends with you because you happen to have a very rare condition." She said he looked up at her quite honestly confused.
"But I'm a monster, Cassi, a monster that wants to kill people. I'm a werewolf Cassi!" He said trying to make sure she understood just exactly who he was.
"Remus Lupin, don't ever let me hear you say that again! Do you understand me? You are not a monster." She said fiercely. "You are one of my best friends, you are not a monster, understand? You are a werewolf but only for 12 days a year. For the other 353 days you are Remus Lupin, you are kind and smart and loyal and a damn good prankster. You're my friend and like hell you'll get out of that so easily." She said smiling at him. "Do I need to keep complementing you or do you realise that you're not a monster and therefore still my friend?"
Remus couldn't help but smile at Cassi.
"Yo-you really still want to be my friend?" He asked feeling as though this was too good to be true.
"Of course" She answered hugging him again. When they pulled back Remus remembered a question that had been nagging his mind.
"How did you know? I mean I didn't even last 1 transformation without someone finding out, how is this going to work?" He said voicing his concerns.
"I don't think you need to worry about other people finding out. You see, lycanthropy becomes quite easy to see in other people when it's happened in your own family." She said quietly, Remus' expression fell to one of sympathy, but before he could say anything she continued.
"It was my cousin, Adam. I miss him a lot; I mean it's been 3 years but still." At Remus' confused look Cassi continued, looking down at her hands. "He was 14 when he died. The healers had told us he would most likely die young since most werewolves drive themselves mad by middle age, but we didn't think it would be that young.
"He was bitten when he was 7; I was four and didn't really know what had happened. Everyone was crying all the time and he was in the hospital, he was my best friend, you know. I made them tell me eventually, I kept asking, bugging them and reading any book in the house I could find, even if I didn't understand half of it. A couple months later I had figured it out. One night at dinner, when it was just me and my parents, I asked them why everyone is so said that Adam's a werewolf. I thought it was sad of course that he had to go through the painful transformations, but I didn't see why everyone was so worried, he was still Adam.
"He was good for a little while. But then he got his Hogwarts letter, Dumbledore would still let him come to Hogwarts, we were all thrilled, but Adam…he fell into a deep depression. He wouldn't come out of his room and when he did he was miserable. He thought of himself as a monster. As an unworthy, good for nothing monster. That month, at the full moon, when the wolf brain took over…he had practically torn himself limb from limb. He was full of scratches and deep gashes, more than the usual. As soon as I saw him-it was my job to help him into the house after a transformation, I liked feeling that I could help him. But when I saw him…I knew that it was different, I knew that it was the end."
Tears were rolling down Cassi's cheeks as she retold the night of her cousin's death. She had been the one to find him, to help him; she was the first to know that he was going to die. Wiping away some of the tears that were still running down her face, Cassi continued the story.
"There was so much blood, Remus; it was just spilling out of him. I tried to get him to the house, but he was too heavy, so instead I shouted for someone to help me and I laid him down using my clothing and what was left of his to try to stop the blood.
"But it just kept coming. Finally someone got up and called St Mungo's. When the healers got there they set to work and managed to get him to the hospital. But his injuries were too intense, far too severe for them to be treated. The healers tried their hardest, a whole team of them were working on him…but in the end…he died at 6:00 in the morning, July 18, three years ago. He was only fourteen.
"After he had died I went back to the place he used for transformations. It was destroyed as was to be expected but etched in the wood were his final thoughts: I'm worthless. I am a monster. I am a horrible monster.
"He gave in Remus; he gave into his wolf brain. And you know the worst part is I could have stopped it. If I had just made him see that he wasn't worthless, that he was my best friend…I should have known how he was feeling. I should have showed him what he could do, but I didn't and now he's dead." She finished her story with tears pouring down her face and she buried her head in her hands. Remus wrapped his arms around her.
"Cassi, it's not your fault. There's nothing you could have done different, you couldn't have known. The transformations, they reduce a person's spirit, and it's hard. I know it's going to sound bad, but your cousin didn't fight, he didn't realise what he was worth, and no one could have made him realise it, he gave into the wolf. It's a struggle that every one of us has to face, and in the end it's the individual's choice. It's not your fault." Cassi nodded into his shoulder and after a couple moments pulled away wiping her tears with the sleeve of her blood spattered sweatshirt.
"Thank you Remus, but you have to promise me something."
"Anything" He answered.
"You have to promise me that you will never forget one thing. You're not worthless Remus, and you're not a monster. When-when you struggle, please remember that you're not worthless." She said smiling at him.
"I promise, Cassi, I will remember that. But you have to promise me that you won't blame yourself for things you have no control over." He said.
"Deal" The two shook hands sealing their promise. It was not binding in terms of magically and it wasn't written down anywhere, but that hand shake and the looks in each of their eyes bound them both to a promise and they grew a thousand times closer in that moment.
A/N: So what do you think? Please let me know! Review.