This chapter is dedicated to my friend Annoyer who always keeps me on the ball and reminds me to write this story X3
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach :( Songfic song by Avril Lavigne.
Chapter 25. Slipped Away
Hinamori was again surrounded in the darkness, and it seems she had been that way for centuries.
The memories kept replaying themselves in her mind and repeating the scenes and words she least wanted to see and hear.
After feeling that intense pain and agony, Hinamori had lost consciousness, smelling the vile stench of an ocean's worth of blood. The last thing she had heard was the snake-like voice of Ichimaru Gin, saying the name of the man she used to love. That had been the last thing she remembered from reality, but all of the memories had played over and over in her thoughts. She knew them all by heart now, and whenever she witnessed one she hated, she would try to close her eyes, but it would just keep playing, like a torturous scene repeatedly in her mind.
Once again, she was trapped in the memory of when she and Toshiro had been sitting together on their porch and she was talking about Aizen, and there was no way out. She watched as the younger version of herself repeated the lines about wanting to join the 5th Squad. She tried to drown out the words; she was sick of hearing them.
But suddenly, the memory vanished, and she was in darkness again. That was odd. Usually the memories finished themselves before she was engulfed in the shadows once more.
Then, she heard something, like footsteps, and she assumed that the next scene was starting to play. But the sounds of the footsteps did not sound familiar and she waited, anxious to find out what was happening. She thought that she heard muffled voices, but she could not pick out whom they belonged to.
Gradually, the footsteps grew louder and seemed to get closer. Panic pounded through Hinamori; she could only see blackness, and had no clue who or what was coming, but whatever it was, it was coming her way.
Finally, the padding of the feet stopped very close to her, but all was dark and she saw nothing. She could not even see her own hands.
Then, she heard one of the voices again, and she could actually make out what they was saying.
"Some words?" The familiar sound was somewhat soothing, but it also sent terrible confusion and fear shuddering through her body. W-What is Unohana taichou doing here? I mean…why…why can I hear her? This has never happened before, so how can I be remembering it? What's going on?
Suddenly, the darkness cracked and shattered like glass and she could see again. She was not looking through her eyes, but she wished she were. They felt heavy, yet numb at the same time, for she had not opened them for what seemed like years.
Somehow she was seeing what was happening around her, but it was through her mind's eye. She could see the gray, shadowy figure of Unohana standing off to her left side. The 4th division captain was looking across the room, who was she speaking to? "Couldn't you say some words to her?" She pressed, pleadingly to the other person. "She is… waiting to be called by someone who needs her." She insisted.
Hinamori felt shock ripple through her. Who…who would I need? She tried to push of the instinctive thought of her former captain.
There was a moment of silence; Hinamori felt anxiety in the air around her.
Finally, the other voice replied.
"The way I am now…" Hinamori could have sworn that she gasped. Hitsugaya-kun! He's all right! Oh thank goodness!
Never before had she wanted to open her eyes as badly as she did now. Hearing his voice gave her strength and hope, and she desperately tried to open her eyes. A feeling of triumph and excitement surged through her as she physically felt her eyelashes twitch as she tried to force them open. Almost there…
Then, Hitsugaya continued. "…I have no words I can say to her."
Hinamori felt her heart come to a stop.
Then, her field of vision was swept away and she was left facing the complete darkness again, and she could no longer hear the conversation going on around her. She felt dull, disbelieving pain wash over her body. He…Hitsugaya-kun doesn't want me anymore. He doesn't want to see me or talk to me. He hates me… She wanted to throw her head back and wail and sob, but she remained frozen. It's all my fault… I drew my sword against him and betrayed him… but I did it for Aizen taichou…Isn't that what a good subordinate's supposed to do? Follow orders?
Her mind did not believe the concept that Aizen had been the one to betray her and the whole of Soul Society, she had been trained to see him as a loyal, and good man, and therefore she was not allowed to think of him otherwise. Taichou…why? Why did you have to leave?
She could hear the echoing of her mind bouncing around in the dark.
Aizen taichou…
I miss you
Miss you so bad
I don't forget you
Oh, it's so sad
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly
The day you slipped away…
Was the day I found
It won't be the same
Gradually, the darkness in Hinamori's mind melted away yet again, and began to repaint a scene it had shown her so many times already.
The buildings of Seireitei with their wooden floors and roofs, as the 5th division lieutenant re-watched herself as she ran through the streets, desperately racing at top speed to be on time for a meeting.
She remembered that feeling, that unnamed thing that had willed her to slow her pace and come to a stop. She turned around to see the mangled, bleeding body on the wall near the top of the building behind her. She tried to block out the sharp sound as her cry ripped through the air. The echo of her shout dangled in the air for a few seconds, until the scene faded away again into black.
Hinamori sighed, knowing that her mind was back in the routine of showing her these parts of her memory again and again. Hitsugaya did not need her, for he did not speak to her, so did this meant that she would be trapped in this unforgiving darkness until someone who needed her spoke?
She tried to recall the last time she had seen Aizen before his 'death'. She remembered being next to him when the ryoka had broken through Seireitei's shield. That was the last time she could remember seeing him, although she was certain there had been more. She just could not place her mind on them.
Against her will and out of nowhere, her body made her experience the pain and grief of learning of his death and that Hitsugaya had killed him.
Suddenly, it was as though she had gone back in time again.
I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't, oh
I hope you can hear me
Cause I remember it clearly…
Hinamori pushed away the feelings she had felt so long ago; she knew what Aizen's true intentions were now, and she did not want to remember herself being so foolish.
She hated herself for betraying her friends, just because he had told her to. She did not ever want to remember the things she had done, and how she had been so blind so she could not see through his treacherous plans.
But something deep down inside of her still tugged at her memory. There was a part of her that was still loyal to Aizen and that believed that he was innocent. Hinamori franticly tried to shove it away, but it still burned in the back of her head like a firefly. She did not know how to destroy it, which she wanted to do very badly; she did not want it to take over and prove itself right. That portion of herself, deep inside, was the thing that was making her see all of these scenes over and over again, and she was determined to put a stop to it.
But somehow, she felt that she could not do it alone. She needed someone's help, but she did not know whom. Perhaps it was that one person who needed her, that would talk to her, and call out to her.
Whoever it was, Hinamori prayed that they hurry up and call for her, so that she may wake up.
She wanted to apologize to her friends, even though she was not sure how much good 'sorry' would do after what she had done.
The day you slipped away
Was the day I found
It won't be the same
Exhaustion overcame the brown haired girl like never before.
She did not know why, but her body felt tired, even though her eyes had never opened. She was about to let the darkness take over again when she felt someone's presence hovering above her. She realized that something clogged up her sense of smell, and that the air she was breathing was odd somehow.
Suddenly she realized that she was being brought back into the present again. She could feel that she was lying on a bed, and she could hear a faint beeping off to one side of the room. But something told her who the person staring down at her was. Hitsugaya-kun! She wanted to cry out with joy.
But then, out of nowhere her body stared to shiver and her breath came in less and less. She strained to inhale and felt another tremor shake her body. Panic rose in her, and she could tell that Hitsugaya was worrying too; there was apprehension and alarm in the atmosphere of the room.
An intense pain shot through her chest and the place she knew her heart was burned like an awful, unquenchable fire. Her ears were filled with the hard, fast pounding of her own heart and she choked out and gasped for breath. Beads of sweat gathered on her forehead. Then, she could not breathe at all and she held her jaws in a silent gasp as she felt her lungs freeze.
Then, after what seemed several long years, she exhaled and sucked in huge mouthfuls of air. After a moment of painful breaths, Hinamori felt her lungs begin to ache less and less, and her heartbeat stopped pounding frantically and returned to a normal pace.
What…was that? She asked herself as her body heaved as she panted.
And little did she know, that Hitsugaya had been frozen with horror for her. He kept asking himself why this had happened and why she would not wake up.
Hinamori slowly felt her mind slip into unconsciousness as she heard footsteps move away from her bedside and towards the door. The fading steps were the last things she heard for the longest time, and she soon could not longer feel the bed, or the presences of people anymore.
Hitsugaya…kun…
I've had my wake up
Won't you wake up?
I keep asking why?
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake it
It happened you passed by
Hitsugaya shifted in his seat by Hinamori's bedside.
The sun was just passing noontime outside right about now.
Lately, in the recent days Hitsugaya had come to visit, there had been no changes in her condition. She isn't getting any better. He thought dully. But, she isn't getting worse. He contradicted himself and he perked up a bit. She would often get tremors, as Unohana called them, when her body would shake, but now, they seemed to be getting less and less violent. This made Hitsugaya even more confident that she would wake up, even if it was not soon, but in time, she would.
He just wished that he could help her, and make her wake up very soon. He could not help but feel that he was the one that she needed to hear, and that he was the one that must talk to her. But he still greatly regretted not speaking to her right away, the moment Unohana had asked him to share a few words with her.
"What was I thinking?" He mumbled angrily to himself. "I couldn't just say one simple little thing to her? Maybe she would have woken up if I did." He sighed. He lifted his aqua eyes up and laid his gaze upon his best friend. "Oy, Bed-Wetter, when do you plan on waking up?" He asked softly, in a playful tone. Almost as if in response, her hand twitched under the covers. His eyes widened and he briefly wondered if she could hear him, but he passed it off as a coincidence.
The temperature was beginning to drop, as Autumn was well on its way now, but there were still warm remnants of Summer fighting till the very end. Hitsugaya could not help but wonder how many more seasons would pass before she woke up, if she woke up. The captain shook his head. No! She will wake up! She has to…
Again, guilt overcame him and he wished that there was something else he could do to help her. He stood and stretched out his stiff limbs, slowly making his way over to the open window. He could never tell when it was cold or not, thanks to his Zanpakutou and the powers it had granted him. The only way he could tell weather it was cold or not was by the wind, if the people around him were cold or if it was plainly snowing. He pushed the window down until it was only open a fraction.
He made his way back over to her bed and took his seat once again. He slid his hand under the sheets and found her small, cold fingers. He grasped her hand and tried to warm her up by sucking away the cold particles in the air and drawing them towards himself.
How much longer will you make me wait, Hinamori?
Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere you're not coming back
Hinamori was aware that she no longer felt so lonely when she was stuck inside that dark abyss, for she knew that in the real world, Hitsugaya was by her side.
She had not the slightest clue how many days were passing; she could not even tell a minute from an hour. But she knew that time was passing, and even though weeks must have gone by, Hitsugaya still stayed by her side, no matter what.
She still experienced those strange and painful convulsions from time to time, but each time, Hitsugaya would call out her name and sooth her until the pain ebbed away and finally died. She was becoming more and more aware of the present and she slipped into the consuming darkness less and less. She felt that she was starting to get her strength back and she wished that this meant that soon she would be able to open her eyes.
Now, more than ever, that small firefly inside of her was beginning to fade as she kept telling herself that Aizen was not the man she nor anyone else had thought he was, and she hoped that that small fire would soon burn out.
Presently, she felt a slight pressure on her left hand and felt the familiar touch of someone else's fingers closing around her hand. She knew that it was none other than Hitsugaya. She was able to feel his fingertips stroking her frozen skin, and she anxiously wanted to just sit up in bed and throw her arms around him. He did not hate her and she now knew that that was a fact, but even though he now spoke to her, she had still not found the strength to open her eyes, let alone get up. She thought that this meant that he did not need her, so she would not wake up, but she had quickly fought that option away. She knew that if he had not spoken to her and visited her every day, then she never would have found half of this strength that she felt in her body now. If he had not kept coming back and speaking to her, she would probably still be caught in that dark corner of her mind, forced to watch her horrible past again and again.
Hinamori felt a slight pain in her chest, and she knew what was coming next. Leisurely, the pain began to build up and even though she was used to it by now, it still hurt as much as it did the first time. She could feel her best friend's fingers tighten around her hand and anxiety fill the atmosphere. She let out a very small and very soft whimper that was cut short as the pain started to burn. Her lungs blazed as she choked out for air. She still was not sure what was preventing her from taking in fresh air, but whatever it was, was about as much help as it was normally when this happened. Her heart began to beat faster and faster until it was thudding like a woodpecker.
She was faintly aware of the beeping off to her left side as it increased, but mostly she concentrated on trying to breathe. She had eventually figured out that when this happened that she should just slow her breathing and even her heart rate. After she had learned how to control her body to do so, it had gotten easier and easier to fight these fits off. She heard her name being whispered soothingly above her and she gasped again, trying to slow her frantic breaths. Finally, the fire began to lessen its fury and eventually her lungs were free once again as the beeping slowed once more.
She heard a sigh of relief from above her as Hitsugaya's grip loosened and then, he let go of her hand altogether. Then, Hinamori felt his fingers dance gently over the exposed skin on her face. She knew that she would have blushed, but her skin felt far to cold for that.
Hinamori held her breath as he caressed her cheek and made small circles with the back of his hand. Then, he tucked a lock of soft brown hair behind her ear. It seemed that he did that a lot, mostly after she had one of her tremors. Once again, Hinamori felt the urge to try and get up, but most of her body felt numb again as it always did. She had for the most part, forgotten how to use her voice but she knew that when she made even the slightest noise, it proved to Hitsugaya that she was getting better. She let the comforting feeling of his soft touch seep in and relax her.
Hinamori just hated being unable to open her eyes. All of her senses were in effect except for seeing, and she was getting accustomed to the blackness, but she longed to see colors and sunshine and her friends for real, and not just in memories. She wanted to wake up almost as much as Hitsugaya wanted her to. She felt utterly lost without her friend, even though he was there she needed to see him.
After all this time they had spent together, he just seemed to slip away so quickly.
The day you slipped away
Was the day I found
It won't be the same
Hitsugaya sighed with relief as Hinamori's heartbeat went down again.
He continued to rub his fingers against her soft skin and twined his fingers slightly in her long, loose hair.
Although the tremors she was suffering were lasting for shorter amounts of time, they still seemed to hurt her all the same.
Hitsugaya blinked drowsily as he turned behind him to see the sun sinking already. In fact, it must be dusk by now even though it only seemed that 5 minutes had passed. His aqua eyes widened, and he yawned sleepily. Usually, he went back to his quarters to sleep, but it was already so late that he decided to stay that night.
As he shut his eyes, he found that it was impossible to fall asleep in the chair unless he was dead tired. So he knelt down on the floor and laid his arms on the mattress near Hinamori's shoulder, lying his head down on his sleeves. If there had been another bed in the room he would have slept there but this was the best he could do.
He stared up at her until his eyelids got extremely heavy. She seemed to be sleeping, peacefully, but really she had no choice but to lie there and keep her eyes closed. She was not sleeping, and even if she was, she was not having pleasant dreams; he knew that much. I can't believe I let her slip away…
"Oyasuminasai, Momo-chan." He repeated what he had told her before bedtime when they were little, that he had told her every night recently.
He had no idea how badly Hinamori wanted to say it back.
The day you slipped away
Was the day I found
It won't be the same, oh
I miss you…
A/N: Sorry for such a sad chapter! T_T
Next chapter: Pretty Girl
Aizen Taichou. She thought. Why did I always have to say his name? Now I'll never forget it, no matter how much I want to.
"Yamada, what's wrong?"
Hanatarou shook his head and looked up at Hitsugaya with sorrowful eyes. "I'm loosing her!" He cried.