Hey broskis, So here's a little tidbit chapter (honestly with the way this story is going, it's going to be like 50 chapters long. Complainers can get at the back of the line, thanks) that I wanted as a standalone thing because it aides in the character development of *dun dun* Kylo Ren/Ben Solo and his relationship with Leia, because honestly I'm the author of this story but I have no idea how Leia feels about her son. I need to go get coffee with her and we need to chat or something. You guys can debate about it in the reviews. Share your ideas and I'll read them while stroking my dog with my foot.

Oh Fuck. Oh sorry. There was a reason why you got a random author's note at the beginning of a chapter instead of the end. I'm shit at trigger warnings. Sorry. Sorry. But yeah, there's a described anxiety attack in this chapter for those of you who are sensitive to that sort of thing.

Ben laid awake staring at the ceiling, his sheets knotted around is knees and sweat beading on his forehead as he listened to the pulse in his ears.

Nights were always extremely difficult for Ben. They had been since he was a little boy. Nightmares made themselves a reality. The Darkness threated to overtake everything he loved. Every time he closed his eyes he was forced to relive the mistakes of his past, causing him to panic. The screams of children half of his age as he cut them down. His father's eyes, wide with betrayal. The emptiness in his mother's voice.

He grounded his fists into his eye sockets until fireworks clouded his vision. Terror made his pulse race and he fought to keep his breathing even in vain. He picked at the skin that tingled on his arms with his fingernails.

He pushed himself to a sitting position on the edge of the cot and put his head between his knees, letting this anxiety attack run its course. There was no point in calling on the Force to calm himself down when another wave of panic would start again in a couple of minutes anyway.

There was a whooshing of a door and Ben looked up to see his mother standing in the doorway, her arms crossed over her chest.

"Why…aren't you asleep…Mom?" He managed between heavy breaths. Hyperventilation made his lungs feel like they were going to explode out of his ribcage. She crossed the small room and sat down next to him on the bed, placing a hand on his sweaty back and pushing him down so his head was low between his knees.

"Breathe." She ordered softly. "Inhale slowly. Hold. And exhale."

He did as he was told, forcing himself to breathe slowly. He felt his heart rate drop and the pounding in his head lessened. "Did I wake you?" He asked after a moment. There was a weak empathetic link that bound them in the Force. Mother and son. It was the link that would save him from rolling out of bed when he was a toddler or catch him before falling out of a tree.

"I haven't slept very well since you left, honestly." She said and rubbed his back. "Nights are hard for me too."

He picked his head up and looked into his mother's eyes. They glistened even in the dark. "I'm sorry." His voice cracked with tears. "I've been so horrible to you my whole life. You never deserved it. You deserved a child like Rey. You both deserved a child like Rey." Ben pulled a knee to his chest, curling his toes around the edge of the bed. He thought about Rey. His father had taken an instant liking to her, she was spunky and independent and knowledgeable about piloting, something Ben had never taken an interest in.

"Maybe." He looked at her and could see a tiny smile on her lips. "But we didn't want a child like Rey. We wanted you." She placed her chin on his shoulder and her hand clasped with his. "And we thought we lost you forever. But you weren't lost. Not like Vader."

He made a thoughtful noise. "No, I'm not Vader. I wanted to be. I wanted to be better than Vader. Now though…" He ran his fingers through his hair that was starting to puff with sweat. "Now, I just want to make everything right."

She kissed the back of his fingers and put his hand down. "Well, you need to get some sleep." She stood up and walked out the door. "You have a pretty big day tomorrow."

Ben laid back down on his cot, one of his long legs on the floor. Another wave of panic crashed over him like tsunami. He squeezed his eyes shut and felt the sweat bead off of his face, as he fought to control his breathing. Big day was an understatement.

It was going to be the day of reckoning.