- Chapter Twenty-Five -

Planning Ahead

I woke up at the crack of dawn and threw on an old pair of jeans and a cardigan, quickly did a touch of make-up and then went up to the Great Hall for breakfast.

Today was going to be a big day. Today was the day the serious hardcore revision would begin.

I went out into the Entrance Hall just as James, Sirius, Lily and the rest of the Marauders came down the Marble Staircase, right on time. They all deposited their luggage with everyone else's, and then I walked with them on their way to Hogsmeade station.

Easter had caught up fast, but I was really going to make up for it over the next two weeks. Since everyone else was spending the holidays at home, I was left all alone at Hogwarts with no distractions. James was taking Lily home to meet his parents, and I guessed that Remus and Peter wanted to be at home to study. As for Sirius, I hadn't really been talking to him about the holidays. I just knew he wasn't planning to stay at school.

That was all right, too. With none of them staying it meant that I had nothing to do. And if I had nothing to do, then hopefully studying would be part of the something that I would end up doing.

I was going to see them off, make a cup of tea, and then head straight for the library.

As we were waiting in the drizzling rain for the horseless carriages, Sirius pulled me slightly away from the others and leaned down to speak to me.

The rain was getting in my eyelashes as I looked up at his face. He pushed a few strands of hair out of his eyes before speaking.

"I've been doing an awful lot of thinking," he said seriously, his eyes never straying from my face. He continued quickly, almost urgently. "And I want to say this before I forget. I want to see you over the hols – No, wait, that's not right. I need to see you. So I was thinking we should do something. I dunno, get dinner or tea or go to a film. You could buy me that telephone. Or you could pick out the owl you need. Diagon Alley seemed easiest at first, but I've never actually been to Bath. I could get a hotel. Or if your mother wouldn't mind me staying over – I dunno. What do you think, anyway?"

My eyes were wide and my heart was suddenly beating frantically in my chest. "But – But, Sirius … I'm not going to be in Bath." Sirius stared at me, frozen. I shook my head quickly in bewilderment. "I'm going to be here."

Sirius did not make any movement at all for a long time, and then he shut his eyes, his brow wrinkling up. "What – What – Wha …" he stammered. "Why …" He opened his eyes and looked down at his feet, a look of distress crossing his face. He met my eyes again and he smacked himself in the face. "You're staying? Here?"

I opened and closed my mouth a bit, and eventually got out, "Well, yeah!"

"Wha – Why?" he beseeched.

"I have a library to study in, and peace and quiet-"

"You're staying all on you own?" he proclaimed.

I stared at him. "It's what I've been doing since second year!"

"Why didn't you say anything to me?" he demanded, looking rather frantic.

"I – I thought I did!"

"Well … Why didn't I hear you!" he yelled.

I shook my head in confusion. For a long moment he gazed into my eyes, and behind his grey ones I could practically see his mind working furiously. I heard wheels turning on gravel as the next carriage pulled away, and James's voice called over to Sirius, "You coming or what?"

"No – I …" Sirius began, glancing fervently at me. His chest rose as he took a deep breath. "I don't understand," he muttered, looking down again and rubbing his temples.

He stepped aside as James and Lily came to hug me. Sirius glowered at me the whole time, and James gave us an odd look before stepping onto the carriage. I waved to Remus and Peter as they followed, and then turned back to Sirius, completely bewildered.

Sirius just stood there and took turns of looking at me, and then at the carriage, and then at me again. Eventually, he touched my shoulder. "I … I have to go," he said breathlessly.

"I'll write you, OK?" I said quickly.

He nodded.

We found ourselves simply staring at each other in pure and utter bafflement as he climbed backwards into the carriage. He mouthed 'I don't understand' again, and I literally could not find anything to say at all. With one last searching look, he shut his eyes tight and turned and disappeared into the carriage, shutting the door behind him.

I stood for a moment as the carriage began to roll away, before turning quickly on my heel and heading back to the castle, trying desperately to hold myself together.

But I couldn't. What the hell had just happened?

I couldn't get the look on Sirius's face out of my head, the one he made just before he turned away from me. That wasn't supposed to be how we said goodbye for the next two weeks. And what had it all meant? Why hadn't he realised that I was staying at Hogwarts for the holidays, and why did the fact that I was staying bother him so much?

Because he wanted to see me over the hols. No … he needed to see me.

What did that even mean.

I just didn't know what to think any more. But now I decided that I would not push it from my mind and refuse to let myself think about it. I could think about it … as long as I didn't jump to any conclusions.

But instead of thinking about Sirius's reaction to my staying, and wondering what could have possibly been going through his head, I found myself thinking about what he had said to me right before that. It had been completely overshadowed by all the confusion, but he said he wanted to come to Bath. Could you even imagine that? Just imagine being able to meet up with him over the break and walk around the town together, just the two of us. Or even him staying in my house, and getting to see him all day everyday and just be around each other. It sounded crazy yet amazing, and I suddenly wished that it could really happen. It would sure beat being in the castle all on my own –

Ah, but amazing didn't matter. I still had to had to HAD TO study.

But what about summer? My mind was suddenly racing with hope. I was certain it would be all right with my mam, we had a spare bedroom after all. Suddenly I was thinking about heading off to London and staying in his flat for a few nights or something. Of course it was never going to be the same as practically living together while at school, but we couldn't stop that from happening, could we?

I reached the smaller gate that led back onto the grounds of Hogwarts and my mind hit a brick wall. Whatever could happen in the future, right now I was here and he was on his way far, far away.

I hadn't thought about not seeing him for two weeks and now it suddenly hit me.

I wasn't going to see Sirius for fourteen days.

…

All of a sudden it began to rain. It had been drizzling but now it was pouring down from the heavens, cats and dogs and all that. I stopped walking for a moment to look up and hold my arms up in exasperation before running to the nearest tree to take cover.

The lake seemed to be alive in a thousand different places as the raindrops disturbed its surface. I sat in between the roots of the Marauders' favourite tree by the lake where it was relatively dry. I shivered.

Fourteen days was a lot of time.

So, the plan was:

1. Go dry off,

2. Go to the library for ten o'clock,

3. Make a study plan for the next two weeks (which I should have already done, but I hadn't, so what can you do?)

4. Maybe get started on some revision before lunch …

5. …

…

6. Not talk to Sirius for fourteen days

7. Not see Sirius's face for fourteen days

8. Not get slagged over Sirius for fourteen days –

OK, so the last one wasn't so bad. But other than that …

Sirius Sirius Sirius Sirius SIRIUS. Oh God, what was I doing?

The question was … What would he have done if he knew I was staying? Would that have stopped him leaving? And if so, then why the bloody hell was he leaving in the first place?

It just made no sense at all, did it?

Or did it?

Ugh, why did he have to leave? Stupid boy. I hated him.

Just then I looked up from the Black Lake and saw someone coming up the path from the Main Gates where the carriages had been. The someone was running.

The rain made everything all blurry and he looked like nothing but a dark fleeting shadow, but yeah. Oh God.

I stood up quickly, my mind in a frenzy. He didn't see me under the cover of the tree as he ran up the sloping grounds. I yelled "SIRIUS!" and he halted so fast he almost slipped. Then he spun around to see me.

We looked at each other. The moment seemed to last forever. And I didn't really care why he was back, I was just relieved to see him. And my first thought was:

He is NOT allowed to kiss me in the rain because that is far too cheesy.

Oh SHIT, what the hell? Why would I even think of kissing him! The rain shouldn't have been the only thing stopping me from wanting to kiss him either! Oh! Crap! I shouldn't want to kiss him because … I just shouldn't want to kiss him!

Did I want to kiss him? In the rain? Or not in the rain? Did I?

STOP IT WITH THE THINKING.

He didn't move, he just stood there with his clothes all sopping wet and his hair plastered to his face and totally out of breath. And I found myself stepping out from under the shelter of the tree to approach him, totally risking a cold for the fucking mental-case. I stopped a few feet from him and said, "… What the fuck are you doing?"

He looked around for a moment and then pointed towards the gate. He swallowed slightly and said, "I'm not leaving." Then, in case I hadn't understood him, he held his chin up and repeated, "I decided I'm not leaving."

I scratched my head, and he dropped his arm and watched my face anxiously.

"Do you want to come in from the rain or something?" I got out eventually.

"Yeah, OK," he said, and we stepped back underneath the tree.

Sirius blew out his cheeks and pushed his dripping wet hair back from his face. He held his forehead in his hands and peered at me beneath his fingers. My eyebrows had knitted themselves together of their own accord while I stared at him and I couldn't un-knit them.

After a while Sirius inhaled and said, "I was only leaving because my mates were leaving. And I always just base it on whether or not the Marauders are staying. But Lily's staying with the Potters and everyone else won't be around … And if you're staying here … There is literally no reason for me to go at all so I decided I should just stay."

I shrugged a little. "OK."

Sirius pressed his fist against his lips and blew out his breath. "OK, so I just ran all the way here in the rain, so may I please just hug you now or something?"

I laughed and then we embraced. And he was all wet but it didn't bother me.

"You want me to stay, right?" Sirius asked suddenly, pushing me to arms length.

"Of course," I said. "But I still plan on studying, OK?"

"No problem," he said, grinning mischievously. He pulled me back into the hug and buried his head into my shoulder. I sighed contently.

And that was the first time Sirius chose to be left behind. And it was the beginning of the end of our days as just friends.

Padfoot,

Pads! Mate!

DO NOT SLEEP WITH HOLLY!

Kind regards,

Prongs.

I looked up from the letter and stared at Sirius, who was clearly finding it very hard not to crack a smile.

"I know," he said.

And it was right then that another owl flew down to join the first. Sirius grabbed the letter from it as it began to eat the toast. He read the letter and sighed, throwing it across the table to me.

Padfoot,

Right so as I was saying you can't do it with her yet OK? I know you just realised that you are TOTALLY AND UTTERLY ARSE OVER TITS IN LOVE with Holly (you two are so unbelievably perfect for each another it's UNBELIEVABLE) and this was literally about two seconds ago when you ran off. And you are going to run up to her and proclaim your passionate undying love for her and then you will kiss in the rain and it will be so beautifully perfect that it will almost HURT

but I swear to Bertie Bott that I will KILL YOU if you lose your virginity before I do.

YOU NEED TO TELL ME EVERTHING AS SOON AS PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE OK? At your convenience. You are just going to have to tear yourself away from Holly's sweet sweet lips for five minutes to send me a letter. If you don't I shall have the owls bombard you with droppings and peck your eyes out, etc.

I've been seeing Lily for, what, four months? But anyway

Anyway if Holly IS up for it then just don't forget protection, you are one lucky bastard and … have a good holiday mate!

Best wishes,

Prongs.

I couldn't eat for ten minutes because my stomach hurt from laughing.

"That boy needs to sort out his capitalisations."

"That boy needs to sort out his head."

Sirius had a little notebook of his own where the Marauders supposedly made plans for mischief and pranks. However, this year only held two entries.

The first was a 'Back to School Special' which involved transforming all the suits of armour in the castle into females; outrageously busty and curvy female knights with metal bodies, some of whom were wearing such skimpy amounts of chain mail that the only way they might survive the first five minutes of a battle would be if the male knights opposing them happened to get an eyeful. And instead of creaking eerily as you walked passed, they would strike a playboy bunny pose or let out some moan or groan, which I had to admit had even the girls in fits of giggles whenever we walked down the corridors. It was absolutely hilarious and a magnificent display of magic, creativity and pure balls, and I had to slap Sirius on the back when I realised that it had been the work of the Marauders.

The second entry in the notebook was not so much a prank as a simple plan; digging into their stash of firewhiskey during the second week of term.

Location: Dorm? – No way, get caught

Boathouse? – Think about falling off the rafters or drowning, etc.

Behind the greenhouses? – Spacious, secluded

Further investigation of secure locations needed

Target: Our livers.

Equipment: Alcoholic beverages (left over from Operation Intoxication 1.0); Our livers, mouths, etc

Necessary Skills/ Tasks: Need to have a wander and suss out possible locations. Check M's Map

First Meeting

Date: 12-09-1977

Time: 00.01

Place: Prongs' Bed

Subject: Operation Intoxication 2.0

Review Minutes of Last Meeting: Completion of Task 1 -

Agenda:

1. Decision of Location: Greenhouses most practical

2. Overcoming issues: Possible scenarios of 'getting caught' and how to overcome (e.g. be incredibly charming)

3. Where to stash

4. Problems: Moony et Wormtail pussying out?

5. Brainstorm possible arguments favouring rule-breaking by Prefects and/or Head Boys and spineless pussies.

AOB: -

Signed:

Padfoot

Prongs

Wormtail

Moony

"Wow," I said. "Wow."

Sirius just gave a shrug and pulled the notebook back to his side of the table.

"Want to do anything this week?"

"Always."

"What?"

"Study."

"OK, I'll just plan ahead," he said. He sat hunched over the notebook for awhile while I planned my timetable for the fortnight.

And our week went something like this:

Saturday (continued):

I made a start on my History of Magic Easter essay which was supposed to be ten feet of parchment and had to be researched from scratch. When I say I 'made a start', I literally collected a pile of newspapers and began going through them when Sirius appeared after being lost for over half and hour, placed a book in front of my face and pointed at a picture of a short-snouted, fair-furred fox-like animal with round black eyes and even larger pointed ears sticking out of the sides of its head, with the title, 'Fennec Fox.'

I looked up at him, and said, "What, you think that's it? My Patronus?"

He sat down beside me, pushing aside a stack of newspapers and said, "It looked just like that. Are you even seeing how adorable that thing is?"

We went and had a long afternoon tea break and never actually made it back to the library. We sat under the covered part of the Transfiguration Courtyard and listened to the rain as we got deep into really distracting conversations that went on for hours. And then we stayed up until the early hours of the morning in the kitchens, which became a bit of a routine for the rest of the week. Well, half of it, anyway.

Sunday:

We made it to the library but ended up playing Cluedo even though it doesn't work with two people. But it was rather funny charming the plastic people to act out the murders every time we made a conviction. Got kicked out of the library for noise even though there was NO ONE ELSE THERE.

Monday:

Sirius asked me if I was still planning on studying, and when I groaned and said I had given up, he let me see the plans he'd made for us inside the Marauders' notebook.

And that's how I found myself standing on the balcony of the boathouse, looking on as Sirius pulled back the tarpaulin on one of the boats which hung from the ceiling, revealing their stash.

I chewed my lip and stared at bottles and bottles of firewhiskey.

"What's the problem?" he asked, his tone accusing.

I glanced up at him. "I don't know if it's a good idea."

"What's the worst that could happen?"

I grabbed the notebook and pen from his pocket. "What's the worst thing? All right, First: Holly gets pregnant. Second: We die. Third-"

"Hang on, you getting pregnant is worse that us both dying?" he laughed. Then he immediately stopped and shook himself wildly. "Wait, how could you even possibly get pregnant?"

I grinned and felt myself blushing, but said, "To answer your first question, yes. A baby is worse than death. Can you even imagine me trying to be a mother? As for your second, didn't you ever get the talk, Sirius? The birds and the bees and-"

He was grinning too and trying very hard to stop himself. "How is that an outcome of this situation?" he asked slowly.

"I dunno!" I said, embarrassed now. "It tends to happen when two people get drunk together!"

"You really think-"

"OK, just fuck off! I can't afford to lose any brain cells this close to our exams!" Sirius began to smirk as our eyes met, and I said, "Oh fuck it – let's get pissed."

So there we were, lying on the overgrown grass behind the greenhouses. The sky spun a little when I looked up, and everything felt very heightened. Like I could notice my own breathing. I could notice the way Sirius's husky voice caught a little in the middle of his sentences. I could notice how incredibly green the grass looked, and the way everything seemed to be in high definition when you looked at it this close up.

But drinking with two people is rather pointless. We just ranted on about nonsense and got sleepy, which we do well enough sober.

Tuesday:

At breakfast Sirius waited for ten minutes before producing a neatly wrapped parcel and handing it to me.

I stared at it. "What's this?"

He didn't look at me, just gave a tiny smirk. "Happy birthday, Holly."

I glared. "How did you possibly know it was my birthday?" I moaned.

He grinned at me. "I may have been talking to Greta Catchlove. Why didn't you tell me it was your birthday?"

"I don't believe in them," I said grumpily.

He laughed and slung his arm over my shoulders. "Will you just open it?"

I scowled and carefully untied the ribbon and peeled apart the wrappings.

An expensive-looking, beautiful black leather-bound notebook fell out of the paper into my lap. I picked it up a little shakily with my hands. The cover was engraved with an intricate pattern, there was a red button on the front and a thin strap that wrapped around to keep it closed. A piece of ribbon stuck out from the bottom to mark the pages. I turned it over, and saw my name engraved on the back, along with the date.

I breathed deeply and stared at it in silence.

"I just thought you liked writing, so …"

My head shot up to see Sirius, who was looking ridiculously nervous. I threw my arms around his neck. He tensed up in surprise, and then laughed and hugged me back.

"Sirius," I whispered, my lips close to the smooth, pale skin of his neck. "Thank you so much."

He tightened his arms around me for just a moment and exhaled. "You are so welcome."

I laughed and drew away from the hug. He smiled down at me, and then I hit him with the diary. "I hate you so much. I hope you know that!"

That day, we snook out of the castle and went to Madam Puddifoot's disguised as a middle-aged couple who spent their entire date snorting into their tea and talking very loudly and sarcastically about how in love they were (even after all these years) and disturbing the other customers by telling them the stories of their lives.

Then we hiked up the mountain (which I still can't believe I agreed to do), and sat in a cave for a while. And we had a barbecue and stayed there for hours. After a while I tried to sketch something and Sirius began to read.

"OK, so this is the last time I'm going to mention Emily Dickinson."

"It's OK, I like her stuff too!"

"Good, because I was totally lying before."

He inhaled slightly and tangled his hands up in his hair.

"'I reason, earth is short,

And anguish absolute.

And many hurt;

But what of that?

I reason, we could die:

The best vitality

Cannot excel decay;

But what of that?

I reason that in heaven

Somehow, it will be even,

Some new equation given;

But what of that?'"

Sirius looked at the page for a little longer and then glanced up to meet my eyes.

I crawled over and sat beside him so that I could see the words myself. I felt his scrupulous eyes on my face as I read it over a couple of times and then looked up at him again.

"Earth is short, everyone dies, somehow heaven makes up for it all. But … what of that?"

"Yeah, I'm trying to understand the 'but what of that' part. But what of that?"

"But what of what?"

"What about it?"

"What's the point?"

"What does it matter?"

"What's the point?"

Sirius nodded slowly.

"We all die," I said. "Why do we always need to know what happens next?"

"Because we are self-obsessed." And then Sirius said, "My ideal sort of afterlife would have to be something just like this life. Not too different. Maybe we could feel all emotions but people can't get sick, or be depressed, or be really evil. Or evil at all, actually. No health issues might work. But people can't be really annoying either or we'd be eternally irritated and that would be worse than life. But that is so unrealistic. So we're back to the same argument, the eternal happiness card. I still don't like it."

"Heaven in general is unrealistic."

Sirius yawned and stretched and lay back on the hard, rocky ground of the cave. It was really nice being outside of school. We had so much freedom. It felt like we could have been anywhere in the world.

I lay back too and he put his arm around my shoulders.

"How would you like to die, if you could choose?" I asked him.

"In battle," he said immediately. "Fighting for some noble cause!"

I blew the air out of my cheeks. "Such a Gryffindor …" I muttered wryly.

"You say it like it's a bad thing!" he laughed. "What about you, anyway? Dying?"

"Dunno. People say they'd like to die in their sleep, but I would hate that. I wouldn't like my last thoughts to be carelessly thrown away, thinking that I still had tomorrow to do whatever and think whatever. I'd like to be fully aware of the fact that I'm dying. To come to terms with it, you know? I don't want to be old either. I really hope I die before I get old."

And then I got The Who stuck in my head.

Sirius barked a loud laugh and nestled his head against my shoulder. "Do we think about death more than the average teenage boys and girls?"

"I have no idea! How do we end up talking about this anyway?"

"Because … Well, I am the Grim after all."

"That's true … symbolism for your life, eh?"

"Well I've lived this long, haven't I?"

Since our motif for the day was climbing (don't ask me why) we found ourselves climbing up to the Astronomy Tower that night, because it was beautifully clear and the moon was just about new. We didn't plan to pull an all nighter, but we got so caught up doing astrology star charts and enjoying ourselves together that we just forgot all about being tired.

And Sirius's charts were just so fantastic, I was enthralled drawing them. It was the simple things I found fascinating, like his Rising Sign in fifteen degrees Aquarius showed that he was known to be cool, calm, detached and objective, whereas his Mars in twenty-eight degrees Scorpio clearly depicted how extreme his emotional reactions can be when he bottles things up and then has to release his tensions with this overwhelming passion. His sun in Sagittarius accounted for his energy, curiosity, his enthusiasm for everything that interests him and his love of reading; his moon in Sagittarius showed him to be an idealist, preferring the grand, the beautiful and the noble, and having unfortunately high expectations; Mercury in Scorpio was the Marauder in him, the love of mystery and secrets and unanswered questions, his sarcasm; and Venus in Libra meant that he hated to be alone. And this, it literally said this in my book;

"Try to avoid using your well-known seductive charm in order to get out of doing what you consider to be the dirty work!"

"I resent that," he scoffed.

And it's not like we planned to spend the night together (in the most innocent sense of the phrase). But that's just the way it happened. Neither of us even remembered the point of falling asleep. We just did. So when we woke up to the late morning light, blinking up at each other's confused faces, all stiff and sore from the hard wooden floors carpeted with scraps of parchment, and lying worryingly close falling right off the edge of the tower, it was just natural. But that day,

Wednesday:

was the day we fell.

AN: I recommend googling the fennec fox. It is absolutely adorable.

And this chapter is purposely rushed and brief, because something BIG is coming up!

If you like it, review. If you love it, review! If you hate it, review, but be nice! If you couldn't care less, well you must've wasted hours of your life to get to this point, so just gimme a review for the craic!

Things are gonna get crazy from here … Loose ends have, believe it or not, been tied, and now … Well, now things begin to boil up.

I, for one, cannot wait! ;) Until next time … (forgive me if it takes a bit longer than usual)