Hermione sat on her bed wrapped in a towel, her face still deathly pale as her hand gingerly floated over one of the picture frames still sitting on her night stand. Severus sat on the bed opposite her and saw a million emotions register in her drained face. A weak smile graced her bloodless lips for a fraction of a second as she looked at the picture and a fresh onslaught of tears filled her murky brown eyes. The smile faded to nothing and her bottom lip retreated into her mouth and her chin quivered slightly. Her eyebrows knit and her posture became rigid only for her to release her lip (which now was bleeding ) relax her eyebrows and her posture deflated as her eyes fluttered shut not blocking the tears from spilling onto her cheeks in gentle narrow streams. She clasped the frame to her chest tightly.

"Hermione?" he asked now moving beside her. He gently moved the dripping veil of dark hair that prevented him from seeing her face.

Hermione sighed and moved closer to him. He reacted by wrapping an arm around her closing what space might have been between them. She accepted his embrace and lowered the picture she clasped to her chest.

In the golden frame there was a picture of a very thin, fair boy sitting among the daffodils planted in a magnificent garden. The boy had blond hair that was nearly white, and his face was as white as Hermione's, a brightly coloured daffodil held in a slightly bony hand washed him out further. Despite his bony hand and lack of pigment, his face was more fleshed out, blood allowed some slight colour to grace his cheeks and lips as he beamed brightly at the camera holder (who he correctly assumed to be Hermione). The boy's eyes were a deep violet that even he found breath-taking that sparkled at the photographer. Those intense eyes were wiser than his boyish face would indicate, but they gleamed with the glow only love could light.

"This is Joshua..." Hermione managed.

So this is you, Joshua, he commented mentally, noticing he looked nothing like any of the infinite images that have been running through his head since Hermione accidently called him by her lover's name. He was so fair, his cheekbones too pronounced, and he was so slight.

Stop picking the poor boy apart. He scolded himself feeling ashamed of picking up on flaws he knew were subtle and only noticeable under close scrutiny. He was trying to find some fault with the boy. You're twenty-two years older than the boy, exercise some maturity.

That's when he saw something in Joshua's eyes other than happiness and love. There was an air of understanding and pain that lent him to looking wise and he was too thin. Joshua was beyond fair and slight, he was...

Sickly.

"Joshua and I met when we were twelve at a camp for sick kids in Ireland that my Nana recommended they send me to." Hermione told him not taking her eyes from the picture. "I met him through his twin sister, Violet. Violet was my best friend. She and I shared everything, though I held out the fact I was a witch and she neglected to mention she was trying to set me up with her brother. Though Joshua and I had always been close, we didn't actually see merit in what she wanted until December last year."

Severus saw tiny droplets of water hit the glass cover the sacred picture her hands gripped like a life-line. He tightened the circle of his arms about her and very lightly skimmed her temple with his lips hoping the affection would serve as some sort of comfort.

"I remember it all so well..." she began, gaze still glued to the picture. "Snow drifted gently to the ground, giving the moonless, starless night a sparkle. An unscathed blanket of snow covered the streets before me. The streets were empty and I had been waiting for my parents to arrive in the frozen night alone at three AM with only the light of the street lamps.

"I wasn't as alone as I thought, my attention was turned to a tall and slight silhouette of a man just beyond the pool of light from the street lamp across the street. The silhouette was motionless, but he was facing in my direction. I felt his eyes upon me even though they weren't visible. Pulling my scarf up around my face I set my mind to things other than him.

"Phoebe would be spending Christmas in Canada, and yet my parents thought it was a good idea to go to Sweden for a ski-trip. It would be the first Christmas spent without my sister that I didn't have Harry and Ron to distract me. My thoughts quickly turned to two other friends I wouldn't be seeing. Violet and Joshua were both able to go home for Christmas. It would be their first Christmas in two years they would both be home. Being separated from my own sister was forgotten as I imagined the two bickering about silly things like where to place the ordnaments on the tree and whether to leave the lights on over night, arguments my own sister and I had when my illness didn't rear its ugly head.

"Happy thoughts of Joshua and Violet were quickly stolen as I saw the silhouette of the man approaching me. My breathing quickened and my heart thudded in my chest, screaming at me that it couldn't beat much faster without harming me. I felt my body stiffen in caution, though I knew he could just be approaching to ask a question, my fingertips hovered over the handle of my wand. I was ready for an attack.

" 'Daffodil?' the man said giving away his identity before he stepped into the light, revealing his boyish face.

'Joshua!' I cried happily throwing my arms around him. 'You scared me, you dolt!'

'Comeon, Hermione,' he laughed holding my gaze with his. Those violet eyes were so intense, so beautiful.

I hadn't paid much attention to his appearance before then. He was tall and slight, though treatments left him too thin, and his would be fair anyway skin was an unhealthy bloodless colour and his hair had fallen out from the medication so many times, it now grew back white, which was now long enough to stick out of his tuke slightly and the only pigment he seemed to have were in the deep violet of his irises.

That was when I realized despite the clues we both constantly looked for in each other, I thought Joshua was a beautiful boy. Everything about Joshua was beautiful. His beaming smile that made us all forget how sick he was, the sparkle in his violet eyes that could light up a funeral parlour. His voice had recently settled on what it changed to, and his laughter was the sweetest melody I had ever heard. Joshua was a gentle man, he loved everyone and everything. He was never bitter about his illness, and he never gave up hope. Joshua had quickly become my life line after we met. Sometimes, I can still see his eyes, still hear his laughter ringing through the cob-webbed halls of my mind.

'What are you doing here, Joshua?' I asked with smile that conveyed too much.

'Didn't you get my letter?' he gave me a crooked smile as he pulled me in closer to him. "I believe I closed it with 'I can't wait to see you.'

'I thought you were talking about summer!'

He simply rolled his eyes and tapped my nose with his frozen finger. 'Nope. Good God, girl! You're frozen!'

'I don't imagine you're much better. Why are you out here in this weather?'

There was a mischievious sparkle that crossed his eyes as that smile found his face again as he answered slyly with: 'Taking you out of it.'

He lowered his face slightly and his violet eyes bore into mine hypnotically. I felt jittery and uneasy under his gaze, I didn't recognize why my stomach churned in knots as he looked at me nor the rush of excitement causing my heart to flutter. But I was very much aware he wasn't the little boy I met when we were twelve.

He let go of me only to gently clasp his hand around mine and led me down the street. We spoke of pointless things, exchanging anything that could lead to laughs that shrouded the truth. Joshua and I became experts in hiding from the truth as the years passed. It was as if the distractions were warm woolen blankets we pulled around ourselves to shield us from the bitter cold of reality. We learned early on to laugh away the truth.

But then we stopped and Joshua turned to look at me. His lips were pressed together and his brow furrowed as his eyes stared through me. There was a sincerity in his face that cut through my soul like the sharpest dagger. I attempted to quell my squirming when he asked that dreaded question, bringing the reality of our conditions crashing down on me putting an end to the care free moment.

'How are you...really?'

It was that instant, walking down the street hand-in-hand I recognized the feelings I felt when we embraced under the lamp light. I knew him so intimately, as he did me, that we could see through every barricade and battlement constructed around us. There's a great deal of trust, as you probably already know, needed to be able to be around that one person who sees the real you. Joshua and I both only ever wanted to hide, it made more sense for us to run away as fast as we could in opposite directions, but instead we ran to eachother. We were beacons of light in a long, dark and cold tunnel that every sick person seemed to go through. Joshua had always been my peice of heaven in the icy bowels of hell. And I knew, looking into those eyes, so concerned, I had loved him with all my heart, and I was horrified.

'You know we don't talk about that, Joshua,' I tore my eyes away from his, fighting back tears and ripping my hand from his.

I watched as our feet christened the sparkling blanket of snow, trying to focus on anything that wasn't him. He took my hand back and kept my slowed pace. I could tell in his touch that my feelings weren't unrequited and the fact that I had hurt him was punctuated by our silence.

It killed me, but I knew he was healthier. That was so wonderful and I wouldn't—I couldn't drag that down with my own deteriorating condition. That's why I pulled his hand away from him. He was getting better and I was getting worse. The doctors all said I didn't have much time, and I thought Joshua had all the time in the world. I was sure he would outlive me by a lifetime and I was afraid that if we got together he would feel abandoned when I died in less than a year later.

I wasn't going to do that to anyone, especially him. If everyone was happier with my being healthy it was easy to pretend I was and avoid getting too involved in everyone's lives. So it was easier when I..."

Hermione took a deep breath and shook her head. She wasn't going to finish that sentence.

Severus wanted to object, to say something to ease her mind and say that two people who loved eachother should be together no matter what difference there may be in life spans. Most importantly, he wanted to tell her she wasn't dying. But he knew better, so he let her continue.

Hermione now gathered her composure, her eyes dried and she breathed deeply. "Joshua broke me from my stupor as we reached his car by calling my name.

'I miss you, Hermione,' he told me in a hushed voice that was trying not to break.

'I missed you too, Joshua,' I replied feeling brave enough to look into his eyes.

He looked at me as though I were the only thing on the planet. He closed his eyes and shook his head as his posture deflated from disappointment. A defeated sigh escaped his frozen lips.

'What?' I asked feeling my body freeze over not from the cold, but from knowing what I missed.

'No, Hermione, I said I miss you," he cradled my head in his hands as he stared through my transparent disguise. 'You've been distant since I met up with you. What aren't you telling me?'

The truth bubbled at my lips and I swallowed the words, choking on my feelings and those three words I came to realize I had been putting off for years. My mind slipped into how out of place I had always felt with Viktor, and how I had never felt quite right with him. I knew it wasn't just my illness, it was because I was in love with Joshua.

'You know you can tell me anything, Hermione,' he told me pressing his forehead to mine. 'This isn't like you to keep secrets...'

'Then why do I feel like that's all we ever do?' I didn't know if I was asking him or myself...perhaps I was asking us both.

'I don't know,' he sighed. 'but I do know I head seeing you walking around like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. I thought I had been helping you with the load all this time.'

That was it. Those words and the ring of betrayl in his voice gripped around my heart like an icy vice, each word tightening it, and the disappointed expression on his face seemed to cut into the very fabric of my being. I knew it then and there, there was nothing I could keep from him-nothing I wanted to keep from him.

'I-I' I choked, still not knowing what to say. Finally, the truth broke through my lips in a barely audible whisper. 'I love you.'

'I didn't quite get that...' he hesitated.

'I'm scared,' I admitted. ' I don't want ...I can't...Are you, I mean—' I was so terrified to come clean, my brain couldn't even form sentences, yet I remember every sentence I wanted to finish in that mess. I remember the snow clinging to Joshua's eyes lashes, the warmth of his embrace the—I'm just running away on a tangent now!

'I'm afraid of leaving.' It finally managed after what felt like years of fumbling for words. I felt the sting of tears in my eyes and prayed it he would think it was the snow melting on my skin. 'There's so much I've never done, and so many people I'm afraid to be without. I don't want to leave anyone, I don't want to be remembered as just some pity case, another sick little girl. And despite everything Dr. Chance says, I'm not, but I feel like I'm going to be abandoning everyone.'

Joshua looked at me with his eyes wide and he backed away from me as he gasped. Tears began to pool his eyes as he looked at me, shaking his head in disbelief. 'Hermione, what are you talking about?'

'I'm dying.' I whispered, but it felt as though it was as loud as a bomb. I might as well have run him through the heart with a diamond dagger and twisted it once it was embedded in his bleeding heart. I debated if it would have been better if I didn't tell him. Maybe I should have told him I love him and we could have spent a happy year together, ignoring our illnesses and living blissfully until eventually the reality of our illnesses came crashing down and one of us had to part. That's what we were doing before...

'No!' he cried. 'It's not true. Hermione, you're in remission, it's been dormant for months now! This is impossible!'

I choked again. I was having trouble finding words as he gripped my arms, holding me at arms length as he examined my face, violet eyes on the brink of brimming over as I imagine he searched for signs I'd been mislead, signs I was healthy.

'Please...Joshua, please don't make this harder than it already is,' I couldn't raise my breaking voice above a whisper and my own eyes brimmed over as i felt the weight of my confession crash down upon us. 'You're sick too, Joshua, you know how this works.'

Joshua then drew me into him, clinging to me as though his grip would deter death's. 'I can't lose you, Hermione. I won't! You never once gave up on me, I am not about to do any less!'

I returned his embrace as I wept. 'I love you!' I admitted loud enough for him to hear. 'But I can't—My time is coming, and I don't want—I can't abandon you! I'm scared of not being with you.'

That was when he backed away, I felt like the dagger my words formed was now in my heart, twisting and tearing until it had been shredded from the inside out. He stared at me for what felt like an eternity, I wasn't sure if I froze more from his gaze or the weather. That's when Joshua leaned in closer to me, he pressed his lips against mine so gently i felt my knees begin to buckle.

I felt the world stop spinning and the troubles of the world fade away. All of a sudden, I didn't care that my only hope for survival come the next year was a transplant, or that he was struggling with his illness. I didn't care about my shortened life span or the war waging on. All there was in the world were him and me, outside of that, nothing seemed to matter.

'If you're afraid of being without me,' he said parting his lips from mine. 'Then why not be with me while you can?'

I just laughed at this as I began to think he was right, that the best thing for both of us was to spend what time we had left together. And that's what we planned. I had toyed with the idea of quitting school, but pretending there was a future was important, and I couldn't abandon Harry and Ron...Or perhaps it was just my own selfish need to do something worthwhile before I died...

My parents lied to me, allowing for the amazing surprise of being with everyone before I had to go back. Joshua had been there to pick me up to take us to the airport. Joshua, Violet and his mum Abigail would be spending Christmas with us in St. John's Newfoundland with Phoebe and Mark. It was lovely and we all couldn't have been happier to have spent it together.

It was four AM and I couldn't sleep. I played with the lights on the tree that stood on the coffee table in the hotel room Violet and I shared. In five hours we would be making the drive to St. Margarets Bay to spend Christmas day with Nana. Till then I just watched as the technicolour lights on the tree flickered.

In the dead silence a red bulb had burned brighter than all the others, over powering the others. I stared at it, the bulb blinked, once or twice, faded in intensity and then just faded out. I thought briefly of the super nova. A star shines brightest when it's about to blink out forever, burning with a beautiful intensity to be seen light years away. Perhaps it was a graceful way from them to burn out so we remember them forever.

Or maybe it was their last efforts to live. You know when someone's having death throes because they are giving everything they have to keep life within their grasp. They are fighting to live. Perhaps a super nova is just a star's death throe. Giving it all it had before it eventually blinked out of existence forever. Just like that light bulb.

I stared at that now dead light bulb as tears stung my eyes. I sat at the table and touched the bulb, it was still hot from its nova. The thought of the star entering its super nova because it knows it's about to fade away for eternity and just wants to be remembered well by those it leaves behind is a romantic and poetic thought, but I knew the truth. It was clinging on to existence until it couldn't muster enough strength to keep its grip. And very soon I would be that bulb—that I would enter my own super nova.

That I would die. Why am I so afraid of saying that? Everybody does it and before I was sick I knew I was no exception—"

"Because before you were sick you thought you had all the time in the world," Severus sighed hating the words that left her as much as she did. He didn't want to hear them, but nonetheless, he sat therelistening to her, doing the very same thing she had claimed Joshua did. Holding her so tightly he hoped death couldn't take her from him. A foolish thought, but it was all he could do. That or helplessly watch her illness consume her. "Now that the odds are stacked against you, you don't. And you're wrong."

Hermione shook her head lightly, eyes still fixed on her Joshua. "You don't believe that either. Even if you want to, you know that my days are numbered."

Severus hated her for her words. At least, he wanted to. But he only felt a pang as he rested his chin on her shoulder and searched for words of comfort for the girl. He wondered what comfort the boy in the picture had offered. Had he helped her cope? Or perhaps given her hope that there was a future? A future that she could exist in?

He wondered where Joshua was now. He knew the pain and isolation of being sick, and from her story he was involved with her for a while. So, why did he leave this poor girl to feel so lonely that she was looking for affection from a drunkard or a man over twice her age? How could the boy have promised her hope and walk away from her? It didn't matter, if Joshua had done any damage that her situation hadn't he would try and help her.

He listened eagerly, selfishly, hoping he could be justified in hating Joshua.

Hermione continued, now sounding distant.

"I heard a knocking on the door, it was so light, I almost didn't hear it. I wondered who could be calling on me so late, a breif panic took over. I didn't even know what I was panicking about! First it was a death eater trap, but I shook it from my mind as soon as it entered. Then it was an accident, my heart began pounding. Then, what I didn't want to cross my mind did. What if something happened to Joshua! He'd been so healthy, but what if his brain tumour became agressive again? Cancer had a funny way of waking up when you least wanted it to. Of coming back when you thought the eviction was permanent.

With that last thought rushing in my head, my heart began to flutter as I sprang to my feet, I ignored my dizzy spell as I opened the door with shaking hands in anticipation of the horrendous news.

'Hi, Hermione,'

I felt a wave of relief wash over me as I saw Joshua, alive and well, standing in the doorway, leaning as he smiled crookedly. He wore his jacket and hat, telling me he had intended to go outside. An excited and playful light crossed his eyes as he seemed to stare into me, sending shivers up and down my spine. But his smile faded as solemness robbed his violet eyes of their loving playfulness.

'Have you been crying?"

'It's nothing,' I lied, I had gotten so used to lying. I shrugged and tried to forget. 'What're you doing here?'

'Walk with me?' he asked pressing his smiling lips gently against mine.

'Joshua,' I laughed. 'It's four o'clock in the morning!'

'So we can be alone,' he grinned from ear to ear, wrapping his arms around my waist as he raised his eyebrows suggestivley at me.

I nearly roared with laughter there. 'It'll shrink to nothing in this weather!'

He kissed me again and refrained from laughing himself. 'Why, Hermione! I just wanted a romantic stroll in the park. How unlady-like of you!'

'Where?' I asked slipping on my coat and shoes.

'We're like a five minute walk from Pippy's walking trails.'

We walked down the snowy trails in the bitter cold. We were the only ones in the park, I knew the cold had scared most the night owls into there well-heated holes. I could see Joshua's words leave his lips in the form of swirling grey fog, like my own. I felt the cold cut through me like a knife, chilling me to the bone. I wasn't aware of my fingers toes or ears anymore, as they were too numb to be acknowlegd. I couldn't help but stare at Joshua and pray the cold didn't make him worse.

Snow spakled in the moonlight, off the branches of the barren trees. I saw it refract off the jagged surfaces of the cliff we stood and create a shimmering trail on the rolling Atlantic. The black waters lapped at the frosted rocks below, and the starspangled night sky blended with the ocean, as the waves tried to reach the diamonds twinkling above. It was so beautiful, and the only sounds were the beating of our hearts and the lapping of the sea.

Tears sprung from my eyes at the beauty, I had never seen anything like it, and I knew that only Joshua and I were in privleged to the scene. We stood in the moon's unblinking eyes as we watched the ocean strive for the stars. The twinkling made me think of the bulb, the dying stars. The enevitable super nova. I remembered, I was dying.

I fell to me knees and began sobbing, forgetting my company. I knew, I didn't want to die. I wanted to cling to my life and finish everything on that stupid list I wrote so long ago. I wanted to stop time, to stand before this scene before my realization and just feel Joshua's arms about me. I would have made a deal with the devil to stop the enevitable sunrise.

That's when Joshua knelt before me.

He leaned his forehead against mine and clasped his hands around the back of my neck. 'It's alright, It's-'

'I wish I had more time,' I whispered. 'Oh, Joshua, this is so lovely, but I just-'

'Look up, baby,' he whispered in my ear before kissing just below it.

I did, but the breath-taking beauty of before couldn't be restored. I knew that the stars I was looking at were just light emitting from stars that had faded away into nothingness centuries ago. I knew the moon was just a rock refracting the sun's harsh and cancer inducing light, I knew the ocean was an uncontrollable force that took away as much life as it held, and that the blaket of sparkling snow we sat in was nothing more than a protective and hydrating blanket mother earth clung to like a child afraid of the cold that only we dared venture into.

'The stars we see now died centuries ago,' he began, folding me into his embrace as he saw his words bring more tears. 'The light from them reaches us only because we're so far away. But in space, where we see a star from earth, there's potentially just a black hole, a void created after the star shone for eons, and eventually just burned out. But long after their deaths, their light have helped sailors find their way when lost at sea, inspired composers and painters, and still, to this days, people make wishes on these long dead stars and every now and then-' he pulled something out of his pocket. 'They come true.'

That did it. That brought me to smile through the tears, and turn to look at him. Stars swirled and glittered in his violet, his pale face shone like the moon and his lips formed a faint, sincere smile as he pulled my left hand out of my pocket and I felt him slip something onto my finger. 'Johua?' I squeaked, not able to speak.

'I'm hoping they'll grant me this one,' he said softly. 'Hermione, I know we're not going to live for a very long time, but nothing would make me happier than to spend the last of my days with you.'

'But, Joshua,' I gasped. 'You've been so healthy... and I-I'll be lucky if I see next Christmas.'

He kissed me again, more fervently than I had been used to and parted, tears now pooled in this eyes. 'Hermione, Idon't care if you going to be with me for a forty years of a second. But I can promise you that you;ll see passed next Christmas. Marry me next Christmas and let me prove it to you.'

I hesisitated, I felt his violet eyes bore into mine, i felt his heart beat against my chest and saw the grey fog escape from his lips as he waited my reply. All he wanted was love and hope, and love I could give him, but hope was a beast of a different kind.

I wanted to live, and I knew, looking into Joshua's eyes, I wanted to live with him.

'Yes,' I barely managed."

"Wait, you two are engaged?" Severus gasped not believing her tale. What the hell did she want with him if they were engaged? What the hell was she doing with that sleeze in the bar when her fiancee waited to for her back home? She didn't even wear his ring!

"Were engaged...' Hermione sighed as more tears fell.

Severus felt his anger shift from Hermione back to Joshua. How could he have someone so wonderful as Hermione and walk away? How could he have given her such hope, how could he have given her something to cling to and just rip it away from her? Hermione didn't deserve that...

"I remember everything about him. The way his flaxen hair shone gold in the sunlight, the way light would play across his violet eyes revealing his emotions, his light laughter, the way he'd hum in the mornings as he read psalms from a book his mother gave him, the way his brow would furrow when he entered a hospital, the way he held me when I was on the brink of giving up, and how he seemed to have a spring in his step after I kissed him...I miss him. But I'm sure he's happier where he is."

Before Severus could say more about it, Hermione continued.

"We couldn't have been happier. We were knee-deep in wedding plans for the rest of the year, and I was working out how to tell Harry, Ron, Ginny, Neville and Luna about Joshua while being able to omit how we met. I had told about my life at Hogwarts, sparing no detail and he was going back to Secondary school. Life was...normal. There was a buzz of excitement and we were healthy.

But that may, I got the most awful letter about Violet. Her tumour became more and more aggresive, it was too big for gamma ray surgery, and chemo wasn't doing the trick. She was hospitialized with three months left to live. I immediatley wrote back saying I could be there right away. Apparently, dropping everything to see her was not what she wanted. I respected that, knowing I felt the same when it was me. So I waited.

As soon as I met up with Momma and Dad at King's Crossing I begged to leave for Trinity Hospital immediatley. They agreed, driving to the ferry terminal as fast as the tires could carry us. The milling tourists and buissnessmen seemed to consume any air in the room, their faces blurred and their voices blended together, gurgling as if they were submerged deep under water.

I felt my heart pound violently against the wall of my chest and oxygen burned my lungs in urgency to leave the terminal as my surroundings blurred. The room, like my world, was spinning with my reeling mind.

Was this how Violet felt? Did every fibre of her being scream at her to leave the room as she clung to consciousness and life with what stregnth she could muster? Would she be wasting away in a hospital bed unable to keep track of what's going on around in the room because the drugs made her too loopy? Was Abigail holding her hand as tears found the eyes of even the most seasoned vetran mother? Did Joshua feel every molecule of his being being split in half as his twin sister lay dying?

When we left the terminal to board the ferry I felt Momma's arm wrap around my back and urge me to lean on her. She whispered something in my ear but I couldn't make it out above the drone of submerged tourists and buissnessmen.

We stood on a little corner of the deck not occupied by camera happy tourists, Dad watched helplessly as Momma rubbed my back trying to soothe me while I stood looking over the water, clinging to the hot metal rails while I fought my dizziness and nausea. Momma abandonned her attempts to comfort me and whispered questions to me over and over after I showed no sign of settling. Was I just sea sick? Was it my chest? Should she call Dr. Cavanaugh? Was I okay?

I was too busy asking questions of my own to answer any of hers. Was Violet okay? Was she hurting? Scared? Did she feel like she was alone? Was she ready? Was she really even dying? I had been given enough death sentences know doctors can be wrong...I hoped it was the case with Violet...

The hospital room was dead silent, only interupted by the beeping of the heart monitor and sorrowful weeping as a grey cast draped over us in the sterile room. Violet slept in her bed hooked up to so many god awful machines. Abigail clasped Violet's hand and leaned her head on Joshua's head, surrendering to despair.

The woman clinging to her daughter's hand and leaning on her son sobbing her eyes out was not Abigail Grey. This was not the woman who forced a smile on my parents' faces when they broke down. This wasn't the seasoned warrior that dealt with twins single-handedly who were diagnosed with cancer when they were two. Violet and Joshua were cut from the same cloth as her mother. Physically and mentally, they were exactly alike. They always found a smile and when my world was at its darkest they were a constant beacon of light. Without Abigail to insist they go to a coffee shop of a midnight coffee, or take a walk while we were sleeping or to encourage them to go home every so often, my parents would have been lost.

I knew by the way she wept so unconsolably, this was it. This was Violet's home stretch. I sat at Violet's feet and looked at the undeniable proof Abigail was right.

Violet's bare head was covered by a blue scarf, her tiny ears stuck out and were red and flaking. I could see her joints swell and stick out of her cold, white hand. Her skin barley covered her skeleton, nearly every bone was pronounced beneath her transluc-no transparent skin. Blue veins that no longer delivered the corret amount of blood were also visible through her skin, her eyes lids were nearly gray, and i could see her eyes slowly move beneath them. Her chest barely moved and wheezes came out of her chapped and faded lips.

Tears sprang to my eyes and I clung to my mother for balance. I just wanted a nurse to come into the room and tell us we were all in the wrong room and that this emaciatated skeleton laying in the bed wasn't Violet but some other poor soul. That Violet was fine...

That wasn't going to happen. The girl lying in the bed was Violet and she was dying. I felt my chest tighten and my lungs constrict as the room, like the world, had spun out of control. My heart fluttered as I struggled for air. I gripped onto Momma's arm to keep on my feet and make sense of the spinning blurr before me. I felt the familiar weakness in my limbs and the painful vice tightening around my heart. I remember thinking, please, no, not here. I remember begging God to at least let me see her eyes flutter open and asure us she's not in pain.

But soon things went from blurry to black and I fainted.

Dr. Cavanaugh looked at the X-rays that he took of my heart that he'd taken a week later. He took off his reading glasses and I felt those ice-blue orbs communicate to me the words he searched for my parents and Joshua, who all clung to me like a lifeline.

He didn't need to say anything. The blue vein peaking on his temple, the light gone from his face and the resignation in his eyes poorly guarded by their drooping lids told all of us what he was afraid to. Lines on his brow wrestled as he wrestled internally. He stood quiet behind his desk for a few seconds, an onocologist's job is never easy. I wondered how many people he delivered the news to that day.

'I'm afraid you're too far along-' he began.

'Bullshit!' my mother screamed slamming her fist on the doctor's desk. 'My daughter is fifteen! I've had enough of this, you have told us Hermione's dying twice now, and here she is! Sitting right in front of you. You were wrong then, and you're wrong now! She's fine. And if you can't find something to do with her, I'm sure we can find someone else who will!'

'Siobhan,' he said calmly. 'I've been working on Hermione's case since she was diagnosed. Whether you want to believe me or not, I'm Hermione's best chance.'

'You just said she's too far along!' Momma cried pulling me close to her, nearly ripping me from Joshua's arms. 'How the hell can you be her best chance if you're willing to give her a death sentence?'

'There has to be something you can do for her?' Joshua and Dad pleaded.

'There is something we can do, but the chances of...' he sighed and i felt the tension rob the very air from my lungs. 'Without a transplant Hermione will die.'

I felt the weight of his words pull the world down with greater force than I ever imagined anything could possess. Crushed beneath the gravity of his words, I tried to push out. I at least succeeded in that. I felt as though I was floating above the situation. I was only vaguely aware of my mother's tightening grip around me and Joshua taking my hand as my father looked from me to the doctor in disbelief. But I felt as though it was someone else he said was dying, an acquaintance I did not know well enough to mourn...

Then it hit me. Without a transplant I was going to die. I would never see Joshua at the alter, I'd never see my niece grow up to be the lovely woman I knew she would be and I was never going to see my sister again. The grey veil cast over the world that I had seen since my arrival at St. Luke's was lifted and all the colours grew in intensity, the wool on my mother's jumper felt softer and Joshua's hand clasped around mine re-developped details, a rough patch on his fingertips brushed the thin surface of the back of my hand while the rest of his hand served as a very soft, yet protective cover, I felt his body heat diffuse into my own flesh, then crawl up my arm and find its way to the rest of my body.

It was like some cruel joke! It was as if knowing I would never see or feel again made those senses better, sharper, something I wanted to relish in a while longer. It was so creul, and I—I just couldn't stand it. I had gone from being too numb to feeling too much. The vibrant colours, the feeling of the air entering and leaving my lungs, the warmth eminating from the bodies of those around me were too much. There was too much in that room that I wanted...that I needed to live for. That's when I knew...

I wanted to live!

But I wasn't going to. Tears blinded me as I tore from my mother's embrace and bolted from the room. I ran out of breath half way down the corridor I-I fell over and just before I blacked out, I heard my mother screaming 'Oh, God, is this it?'

Next thing I knew I was lying in a hospital bed hooked up to oxygen, a heart monitor and IV with Joshua laying beside me. He breathed lightly as a murmur escaped his lips, asking God to spare me, even if He can't Violet. That he already resigned to his sister dying and—and —that he couldn't bear to live without the both of us!

I looked over Joshua to see Abigail , Momma and Dad sleeping in chairs they'd pushed together between mine and Violet's beds. The curtains were open the slightest crack and I could see the world outside was dark. Violet was awake, staring at the ceiling, probably beseeching God and cursing the adults in the room for the ease with which they breathed. It's—it's hard for people like us to not be jealous.

Gripping the IV pole for support, I crept out of bed, taking care not to wake Joshua. I don't know why I didn't want to wake him, it might have eased him, if only a little to know I was alright, but I didn't even consider it. And I'll regret it always.

I walked over to Violet, who was looking rather confused, as if it was her first time being awake for a long time. She looked right at me, water filling her violet eyes and her bottom lip quivered as she sat, clutching her sheets in tight clentched fists up to her chest. She was too frail, her skin not only ashen, but drained, even the inside of her slightly opened mouth was grey rather than red, her bones were too pronounced. She was so fragile and small, walking as far as my oxygen leash would let me, I wonder how this ghost in was still alive at all. But I was overjoyed despite these horrific details because she was awake.

Joshua might have loved to see the both of us awake and coherent. All I had to do was nudge him, whisper, touch him, something to wake him! Why the hell didn't I? The next time Viol—Damn it! What the hell is wrong with me?—I—I'm an awful person." She sighed and hung her head, nearly going limp as she was jarred from her own memory and back into the present.

It became quite obvious at this point to him that her friend Violet died. He wondered if that was the last time she was coherent. Hermione was racked with guilt for some reason, and he imagined that was it. Severus realized as Hermione's tale went on that he was being unfairly judgemental of the boy. Joshua seemed to have been there for her every step of the way. He wondered if he left her after the death of his sister. Or even if he blamed her for not waking him up to see the last time his sister was coherent before she died. It was understandable, even, but wasn't she feeling guilty enough without him adding to it?

He noticed her resigned posture stiffen as she bit her lip and her body shook with tiny sobs.

"Breathe," he spoke gently, soothing her back. "You're fine. You're fine."

"I know I am," she sighed, resignation colouring her tone.

"Violet's eyes brimmed over as we hugged. I was almost afraid to hold her because she was so frail, I thought I might break her. I remember thinking I could feel her life force leaving her body, and I—I did nothing to stop it.

'I'm dying,' she whispered with a broken voice.

That was it. That confirmed what everyone had been saying for so long. I knew it was true, but I wanted it not to be. I wanted her to go off and do all the things she never got to. Violet Grey was hell-bent on making the world a better place. She didn't deserve to be sick...nobody does.

'I am too,' a barely managed.

We promised to stay with each other until we were at death's door and agreed to meet there after.

'Don't be afraid of being alone.' I remember saying. 'I'll be with you shortly, Violet.' I guess I lied.

We clung to eachother and cried as we gave way to our despair, knowing we would both be died before summer ended. Terrified of leaving everyone we ever knew, mourning eachother's loss, yet taking solace in the same thing, knowing we weren't alone.

The next two weeks happened so quickly that it was all a blur looking back, just one painful, earth shattering experience after another, yet, it all felt like an eternity. It was just this summer it all happened, but it feels—no scratch that—it was a life time ago.

Momma and Dad gave in to my begging to let me go to talk to Dr. Cavanaugh alone, in retrospect, it might have been better for them to know what lie ahead than not. I thought they didn't need to hear about how I would deteriorate, how I would be in such intense pain or completely strung out, there was so much I didn't think they could hear. I don't know if I thought it would shatter them or if I just didn't want them to see my reactions—yeah, I thinkthat was it...

Joshua wasn't exactly convinced I should go it alone, so he went with me while Momma and Dad comforted Abigail. It was my first time back in his office since we were told that I was dying and nothing changed. The room was still harshly lit and pictures of some poor soul's brain tumor lie frozen in time on his desk. Even the air was stagnant.

'Dr. Cavanaugh,' I said weakly meeting his gaze.

There was an evident sadness in his eyes. Again I found myself wondering if his job ever got easier. I highly doubt it. Though as many people as he sees to the end, I have to remind myself that for everyone he sees die, there is another he whose life he saves.

'There is no heart.' Dr. Cavanaugh admitted, Joshua looked as if each word he said were a dagger plunged into him. 'You're on a waiting list, Hermione, but there's no way for a heart to come in time. I'm sorry.'

I inhaled deeply, taking in what little shock hearing this aloud provided. I turned to Joshua, to see him biting his lip as tears filled his eyes. Colour drained and his eyes fixed to mine as he pulled me closer to him . his expression was a slap in the face telling me he wasn't ready. It was then I realized that I hadn't a tear to shed for myself. I had made peace with dying.

WE walked in silence to the gardens held outside and walked down the brightly coloured paths. Flowers were closing, shrinking into themselves and the emerald bushes swallowed the brightly coloured flowers. Over head stars spangled the navy sky. Joshua melted into my side, his arm pressing me into his. His silence was deffening and I struggled to find so much as an ounce of comfort on my breath.

'It's going to be alright,' I tried to assure him. 'I'll—'

'Be dead in a matter weeks,' he finished. 'Don't say things will be fine when they won't be. I don't want to lose you.'

'Look up,' I said remembering the night he proposed and pointing at the stars. 'Most of the stars you see are already dead. But you can still see them, and they will still help you find your way when you're lost and alone.'

That stopped him dead in his tracks. We stood in the middle of the walking path, staring at eachother, and I swear I saw a spark of light reignite in his eyes. For the first time since I was admitted he looked like he had hope. Little did I know it would be so short lived." Hermione trailed off once more, she took in a sharp breath and took to staring down shutting her eyes tightly. She shook her head lightly as she bit her lip again.

A silence passed and he heard her inhale deeply readying herself to continue. "V—V—" one more sharp breath and release of built up tears and she was once again in the past.

"Violet died the next day. It was afternoon, light seeped into the window through the gauzy curtains casting an eerie glow over Violet's white, sleeping body. It was exactly twoPM and I had spent the day watching her, a girl who once shared my insomnia fast asleep, with each passing hour she didn't open her eyes causing my heart to grow heavier.

'Violet,' Abigail sobbed at her bedside, Momma held her hand in assurance. It was a bitter sweet, much like it was for Violet and me, it was hell, knowing they would lose a child together served as some small comfort. Niether Abigail or my mother would be alone. There was at least some solace to find in that.

'Do you think she'll wake again?' Joshua asked staring hopefully at his twin.

'I don't know, Joshua,' Abigail answered her words coming between sobs.

'She has too,' I said with a shaky voice, I couldn't bare the idea of her life being taken from us without all of us having a chance to say good bye. 'I-It's just not right to have her slip away without a chance to say goodbye. Do you think it's true? That she doesn't feel any pain?'

'I don't think she feels anything, baby,' Joshua sighed I could see the pain in his face, he dissolved at the mere sight of her.

I remembered the energetic and curious twelve-year-old girl I met all those years ago at Jenny House. Violet was willful and kind, and I don't think I ever knew someone so optimistic and happy. She was so sure that things would find their own way in time and that life was a prescious gift, that not a fraction of a second was to be taken for granted. As the years passed I watched the years were on all of the other children at camp, eating away at their very souls, including Joshua and me. But Violet seemed immune to all of this, infact, at our worst, it was always Violet who saw us through. She who taught us how to hold on was letting go.

I can't remember when or why this turn came about, and it hurt to sort through all of memories of her trying to spot the change I could only catch in retrospect. When did she give up? I still don't know...

'I think you need to lie back down,' Joshua said catching me before I hit the floor.

'But—'

'She's not going anywhere, Hermione,' he sighed helping me up.

'I think it's a good idea for you aswell, Abigail,' Momma rose to her feet and took me from Joshua. 'You too, Joshua. You and your mother haven't had a night's sleep in days. Will can drive you two home. I promise I'll call if something changes.'

Dad looked from me to Momma, he seemed to be saying something to her. Some objection he didn't want Abigail and Joshua to hear. If she knew what he was trying to convey, she didn't care. She simply turned away from him and ushered me to bed.

All it took was one look at her face to see she was as tired as the rest of them, dark rings stood out from under her eyes, her normally olive skin paled to a bloodless colour, tears gathered like pools in her eyes that she refused to let brim over, she herself had become thin, and her bottom lip quivered. I could see the weight of her shoulders clearly in her posture. She was fighting her own exhaustion and the pain. I could see her sheer vulnerability she had tried so hard to hide for the entirety of my memory anyway. In an instant, I could see the flames burning in her eyes, the tales of her childhood and what it was like growing up in the streets of Belfast during the North Ireland and Irish Republic conflict, her advocacy of peace and gathering of like-minded people under a banner like Joan of Arc and her own struggles coping with the knowledge she would not die before her youngest child. And through all of it, she was unafraid. As my death approached I saw this woman, my mother, for who she was and the years of fear catching up to who, to me, had always been an embodiment of courage. I remembered who she was. I averted my gaze from this great woman ashamed I forgot.

'You look so tired, Momma,' I told her after a moment of painful silence.

'We all are, Hermione.' She tried to smile through the tears I could see welling in her eyes. 'But the important thing is, things will be okay in the end.'

I took her hand and smiled lightly and kissed her cheek. 'I know they'll be. Don't worry about me, I'm ready for this.'

'I'm not,' she confided biting back a sob. 'It's not natural for a child to die before her parent. I keep praying that the doctors are all wrong. Like they've been before, and I don't think I can accept this is it until you're finally—"She wrapped her arms around me like when I was a frightened child.

She finally allowed her eyes to brim over and I could hear her sobbing for the first time in years. I held her to me and soothed her back as I searched for words of comfort. I felt it was strange that I the dying child was to comfort the soon to be bereaved mother...but I felt it was right.

Yes, it was better this way. If I could give her some words of comfort, something to hold on to, maybe she'd be able to move on in her life, and let herself live the life I've always wished for her to live. At least that's what I remember thinking.

'I can finally lay down my burdens, Momma,' I whispered. 'I'll be at peace. I won't feel any more pain, my illness will be behind me. I'll be with God in heaven, watching over you.'

'I know, Hermione,' she stopped sobbing and looked me in the eye. 'All I want to do is protect you from all this. You're so young, I dreamed you'd've gotten to do more with your life. That you would be given time to know what it's like to live fully.'

'I already have, Momma,' I smiled. 'Because of you and all who loved me I have lived the fullest life one could imagine. I can die at peace and I'll be with God in heaven where nothing can hurt me. A wise woman once told me that to love another person is the only way to live a full and happy life and find the light of god. That was you.'

'Hermione, I'll miss you so much.'

'Don't worry. I know everything will be alright. I love you.'

Momma wiped her eyes and started to tuck me in, like she did when I was a small child, taking some solace in the action that I was only acutely aware of. She kissed my forehead and sat at the side of my bed. She looked at me expectantly, on edge, soothed by my words but still frightened.

The room, despite it being a summer afternoon began to dim and I felt heat seeping away from my body. I didn't feel any pain, but a calm washed over me, my eyelids grew heavier and for the first time I felt relaxed. I was sure, and not for the last time, that I was dying.

'Take my hand,' I asked. 'Tell everyone I love them and I will see them in good time.'

She took my hand and I let sleep take me. I don't remember a dream, I don't remember feeling like I was waking. The next thing I knew I had waken and Momma was beside me, fast asleep with tears staining her cheeks. Had she thought what I thought? Should I have waked her and apologize, or let her sleep away the pain? What was I to do? I thought for sure I felt death come for me...or was my mind beginning to fail as well as my heart?

I looked to Violet, who still slept peacefully. The drone of heavy machinery was the only noise in the dead room. I wondered how long she had. Violet couldn't have had too much longer, death would come for her, despite the frantic prayers screaming in my head.

I was saved from my thoughts when I saw Joshua enter the room, strangley put together after finally rest.

"Hey," Joshua smiled with two bouquet of daisies, daffodils and violets in his arms."How're my favourite girls?"

I tried not to cry when I looked over to Violet, her skin was much too pale, her bare hands were bony, her cheek bones under her closed violet eyes were too pronounced. A blue scarf covered her bald head, and she was bundled in pink blankets. The girl who once shared her insomnia slept all day.

"She's so tired all the time. The pain medication makes her loopy, and when she speaks she only talks about the past. I'm afraid she isn't too lucid." Tears began to fall as I turned to face him. "Oh, Joshua! I just wish—"

I was cut off with a passionate kiss, I felt his warmth as he embraced me. I was relieved his skin was warm, that his arms felt firm, no words could describe how grateful I was it was me in the hospital bed and not him. Though I wished I could trade places with Violet. Any fool could see she was dying.

He crawled into bed with me and held me tightly with a strength a man being treated for cancer normally wouldn't have. Remission looked likely and I endlessly prayed he would go into remission. I wished Violet would go into remission, but she was given a death sentence two days ago.

I ran a hand through his soft flaxen hair as she looked into his violet eyes, so filled with love. They were filled with tears making them sparkle, but through his tears his pale lips smiled. He wanted his sister better, but he was glad to have me.

"I don't want to hear you say you'd take her place, Hermione," he held me closer to him and set the flowers on a side table. "You're going to be fine if a heart comes through. I don't want to get better if I have to go on without you. I love you."

I wrapped my arms around him and tried in vain to keep from sobbing. "I love you, too.I don't know what I'd do if our positions were reversed. Lord knows I'm not that strong. If anything happened to you...if your tumour starts to grow again I'd—"

"Shhh,"he pressed a thin finger to my lips and moved his hand to dry her eyes. He smiled beautifully as he held me, he kissed me again softly. "We're both going to see the end of this summer. You'll part ways with me at the ferry terminal like you do every August, and we'll write novelesq letters to each other through out the year. In case you haven't noticed, I'm a hell of a lot better, and once your heart is replaced you will be too."

I wanted to tell him to give up on that and to hold hope for something more. To let it be, and be happy. I couldn't.

"I'm going to miss her..."I sighed recognizing the enevitable.

"I will too. She's my twin, Hermione," he turned to look at Violet. "We share a soul, she's quite literally my other half. We've never done anything apart. We're just like the Gemini twins. I will never be the same, and not a second will pass I won't miss her. But we'll see eachother through it." Whimsy twinkled in his violet eyes as a soft smile came upon his lips."I almost think she planned this. Us, I mean. Helping eachother cope. She always kept trying to push us together, even after we were as close as any friends could be. She knew we would always see eachother through this."

We sat a while in eachother's arms and basked in eachother's grief and love. Violet must have seen our separation, everyone saw it. Joshua and I both sank, drowning in the waters of denial, but after Violet was hospitalized and put on heroin, we had to face the music. Violet said she made peace with dying, but I wasn't as ready as Joshua was to let go. And Joshua was only ready because they had always prepared to be separated by this illness.

We stayed in their loving embrace as they cried together. I never before and hadn't since felt so warm and safe. Joshua was a fire in the dead February winter of my mind. No, he was a fragile flower whose seed was planted beneath the deep snow. He pushed through the tempest's litter and bloomed, the most beautiful and brightest flower ever to be seen. No winter could kill him. I would let the cancer take me before it'd take him away the way it was about to take his sister.

"Joshua? Hermione?" a weak, cracked voice piped from the bed at the other side of the room, barely audible.

"Violet!" we nearly cheered in unision. My heart skipped a beat, glad to see her awake.

Joshua helped me up and they walked over to Violet's bed. I used her IV as a cane so she wouldn't put too much wait on the recovering Joshua and was careful not to run over the oxygen tube. I looked at the fragile girl lying in her bed. I clasped her cold hand as I looked into her violet eyes. They were the only thing that still looked like her. Her lips were white, her fingers were dusky and her body was too thin and wiry. She was so cold all the time.

"I love you two," the chapped pale lips formed a smile that wasn't so alien to her. It was Violet's smile.

"We love you too, Vi," Joshua held our hands, his were the only giving off warmth. "How are you feeling?"

"I've never felt better," she joked, her violet eyes gleaming as she smiled. She turned her head weakly to me. "You take good care of my boy?"

"I could never take care of him as well as you do, but I promise I'll do whatever I can to come close," I damned my breaking voice betraying my breaking heart. "I love you both too much to let you down."

"Please don't cry for me, Hermione," she smiled and turned to her brother. "Same goes for you Joshua. I won't have my brother missing out on life because he's too busy grieving my death when he could be living. Enjoy your time together. We never know how much we have. And treat my bestfriend right. I know you two are perfect for eachother."

"No one will take better care of her." He promised.

Violet closed her eyes lightly and smiled with a peaceful continence. She looked like angel ready to receive her silver wings as her gripped on their hands weakened. Her breathing softened and a single tear rolled down her glowing cheek. She was glowing as the gold sun came shining through the window, creating a gold halo around her holy body. There was a sadness in her wise beauty, and a beauty in the sadness. She was fading away, but her love expanded like light from a beacon, illuminating the darkest corners and drawing us near. She touched our hearts and we touched hers. In all of the turmoil our illnesses gave them, we shared a great beauty that made it worth it.

I held Violet's hand and felt her life fading from her. She asked me to sing her a lullabye and to not let go of her hand. I kissed Violet's cold cheek and began to sing to her, she prayed the sound would cover the sound of her heart breaking.

The three of us basked in our shared love, holding on to one another as Violet Grey fell asleep for the last time."

Hermione now leaned against his shoulder and was once again regaining her composure. Her pain was so excrutiating it broke even the heart he once thought was turned to stone by Lily's death.

He sat in silence again, as he soothed her back. Severus Snape was indeed no stranger to pain, or to being certain that he was to die, and the guilt he felt when he was wrong. But there was so much he couldn't relate to. Her illness devasted her and those around her. She wanted to die and release them, he knew that. He could also tell she wanted death as a release for herself. She didn't need to say it.

"Two weeks later was the last time I spoke to Joshua. Everyone stood around my bed as I lied clutching my chest. My heart kept throbbing and wretching, my pain shot up and down my muscles, I could even feel my blood trying to get to my heart and failing. Every breath shook my lungs and I couldn't help but whimper under the intense pain normal bodily functions put me through.

Momma stood beside Dad, leaning her head on his shoulder as they both wept inconsolably. Phoebe had come over from Canada to say goodbye, she knelt by my bedside and wept in the safe circle of her arms, Abigail ran her fingers nervously through Phoebe's hair in a vain attempt to comfort her. Joshua sat in my bed, holding me in his arm embrace.

I wished for the words I said to Momma, I wished for sound to escape my mouth other than my sobs. I wished for so many things, but most of all for my fear to pass. I wondered if that's how Violet felt, fearful and in intense pain. I was so afraid to die. I thought I was ready.

I turned my thoughts to Joshua. His eyes had brimmed over and his flesh paled as the realization came over him. His arms were firm and strong around me. I remember his left arm shook as he tried to press me tightly against his chest. He was warm, safe and he smelled of spring flowers. I heard his heart beating, a sound I wanted to cling to forever, and with that my fear subsided if only a little. At least he would live.

'I love you all very much.' I said weakly and managed to smile for them.

'Hermione, you're going to live. Dear God, you'll live!' Joshua cried holding me closer to him.

'I'll be without pain,' I smiled. 'I can finally rest.'

'She's getting colder,' he cried. 'Page a doctor!'

'Don't you worry, Joshua. It's alright,' I sobbed. 'I don't feel any pain. Nothing can hurt me now. I'll rest at last in your arms. Just stay with me, and let it be. Everything's going to be fine. But for God's sake, ' I managed to raise my voice and turn to face him. With all my strength, I wrapped my arms around him. 'Please stay till I am sleeping.'

There was a pain more intense than any words could convey in his violet eyes. His bottom lip quivered as his hands lightly ran over my cheeks, wiping my tears. I returned the favour, feeling his tears like rain on my fingers. Fear touched my heart again as I felt the heat fading from his body. He paled and his entire body shook briefly.

I felt warmth for the first time in hours when I saw him smile through the tears and a his eyes gleamed with love once more. He was going to be able to let me go. He held me and began to comfort me, keeping me close. I knew that in death I would be able to do what I could never do in life. I would sleep in my fiancee's embrace for the first and last time.

'I'll stay with you, until you're sleeping,' he promised realizing what was happening.' If only you could live a hundred years with me. I love you.'

'Think of the stars,' I whispered. 'I'll be with you long passed my time. I will be with you forever, shining down upon you in your darkest hour.' Fear took over and I began to shake as I sobbed.

I clutched my chest as the intense pain was added to by a sharp stab. It was the deathroes I had been expecting. My heart wanted to keep beating after the tumour had decided it couldn't.

We cried together, in an embrace God himself couldn't break. We cried for the wedding day we'd never have, for the life together we had prayed for that we'd never see. We cried for the family we knew we would never have had in the first place, and for the family I was leaving behind. We cried for our separation. For him, for Violet, and for me.

My vision dimmed again and I, despite the warmest and kindest embrace, grew colder. I felt like ice as it got darker and I felt life trying to leave and clung to it despite the intense pain I felt trying to stay awake. I had so much more to say to him. So much to apologize for and so much to confess. I loved him and I didn't want to leave him.

'Hermione,' he said softly. 'I love you so much. I'm here, and I'll always be. Is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable?'

'Just hold me close to you.' I smiled. 'As long you're here I can't feel any pain. So, don't you fret, Joshua. I'll be fine once I'm at rest. I'm no more than a breath away from you, and that's all the comfort I need.'

'Hermione, I wish I could take you home.' He cried kissing my forehead. 'I'm here right now. I'll always love you, I promise.'

'And I promise, no matter how far away from where you are, I'll always love you,' I now spoke through sobs as I clung to him. 'But it's alright, I'm already home.'

'Hermione,' he sobbed.

We gazed into eachother's eyes still terrified and mourning our goodbye. We would be parted for a life time, and despite all my preparation, I couldn't bear leaving. Even with my fading vision, I still took in every detail. His violet eyes gleaming,tthe dark circles gathered under them and the tears running down his milky cheeks, his lip quivering, his flaxen hair, soft beneath my finger tips, and his hot breath blowing in weak huffs on my face with each sob.

We were a mere breath away from eachother, and to say goodbye we closed the gap between our lips and kissed for the last time.

It was heart breakingly beautiful, soft and tender, even in all my grief I could find bliss in that perfect last kiss. Brief as it was, the action of our lips moving together seemed to tell him everything I was afraid to leave without saying. He loved me and I loved him. Everything else seemed to melt away.

Then everything went dark and cold.

I remember a warm light. I was walking toward it, for it was the only light and warmth. A serenity washed over me as I drew closer to the light and all my fear and confusion melted away without a moment's lingering. It beckoned me closer.

I now basked in the light, it's warmth washing over me and I was happy. It was bliss I hadn't known before or since. I was so close, I could touch it. I reached out my arm to touch the only warmth, the only light, and I was sucked away from it. I felt the force dragging me away from it, further and further until it was just a spec of light in the distance.

I tried clawing my way back to the light, but I couldn't. Fear gripped my heart and then it was taken by resignation. I took one last glimpse of that light, taking in its warmth, kindness and happiness knowing I'd never again feel so safe or warm.

The next thing I know, I'm watching doctors cut into my body to remove my heart and replace it with another. For hours I saw knives and scissors cut at my flesh and inside my chest. I saw them clamp blood vessels and cut them, I saw them carelessly take my heart and throw it in some basket as they pulled another from an icebox and o-so-carefully sew it into the arteries and viens the old one was attached to!

When that was finally done, I regained full consciousness and was able to actually carry on a conversation once I wasn't loopy from the endless array of drugs I was taking. The first thing my parents told me was that my operation was a success.

I asked where Joshua was and the room just fell silent. I felt my blood run cold as I saw the look in my mother's eyes. My surroundings blurred and there was a grey cast to everything and everything sounded as if I was three feet underwater while my parents hummed and hawed.

I was able to regain focus on my parents and hear clearly just long enough for them to tell me Joshua was dead!

Believing I was dead, he gave up. His progress seemed to back track and eventually, his cancer just took him.

He died while I was in the operating room...I still don't know where from or how I got the heart when it seemed my fate was sealed.

Dammit! I was supposed to die, not him!"

Hermione clutched the picture of her beloved to his chest as she howled in her pain. She shouted incoherent sentences to the ceiling she stared at and rocked lightly back in forth. Gulping sobs racked her body, making her shake. Her cries disturbed him deeply and he tried to comfort her.

Severus couldn't soothe her, couldn't think of what to tell her. Hermione's grief was beyond even her eloquent words and the soothing of it was beyond his inflated language as well. He felt her pain, he knew what it was like to lose the one you love, but he still didn't know what to tell her.

When words failed to come to him, he simply pressed his lips against her temple and gently slipped the picture frame from her arms and placed it on the bedside table. He then laid her down and covered her. He sat at her side and ran his fingers affectionately through her hair as she wept.