A/N: So, I'm really not much of a U2 fan, but I like a couple of their songs. And I had my iTunes on shuffle as I wrote this chapter and the song this is named after came on. It struck me as very fitting. But I did not write it. The credit for it belongs entirely to U2. Clear? Sue me not.
Chapter Twenty-Five: With Or Without You
Ruby's birthday happened to fall on the last Sunday before school started. So, naturally, she planned a blow-out for Saturday, convincing her far-too-lax mother to visit relatives… or something. Her mom knew full well that there'd be a party, but as long as everything was cleaned up and no one got hurt, she didn't care. So far, Ruby had managed to meet these two requirements every time. And at this party she'd upped the ante, hiring live music—an emo garage rock band from school.
Several guests had arrived already, but the house was by no means full. And most of the important people hadn't shown up yet—them being Louis, Tawny, and the rest of the gang.
Ruby was wearing a blue summer dress, making the punch in the kitchen and Ren, in faded jeans and a white top, sat on the island across from the birthday girl, her legs swinging a little. She'd been trying to get a hold of Tawny for the last week and had had no luck. She'd even gone to the girl's house a couple times—each time to hear Tawny come to the door and then leave, presumably after looking through the peep-hole. But the stubborn younger girl would be here tonight, or so Lukas had promised. Hopefully she'd talk… Ren sighed at the thought. Why should I think she'll suddenly open up? She's as stubborn as I am… maybe more…
She sighed again, and looked over at her friend. "Need any help, Ruby?"
"Nope," Ruby shook her head, grinning happily. "This is my special mix, if you know what I mean."
Ren nodded, not intrigued. Of course she knew what Ruby meant. Everybody knew. She looked at her friend, considering for a moment to discuss the Tawny situation with her. But it didn't seem right. Obviously Tawny had been very secretive about the whole thing. So her father was having an affair? So he was an unmitigated asshole? These were the problems, or some of them anyway. And of course there was the matter of the barely-kiss that they'd had… Did she think I'd just give in? Well, I did kiss her back… but I wouldn't have gone any further…would I? Ren shook her head. No, I've gotten used to waiting. I can wait as long as she needs me to. But I shouldn't slip up like that again, I don't want to lead her on.
"Ooh, Louis is here," Ruby squealed, running around the island to greet her curly-haired boyfriend. "Hey!"
"Hey birthday girl!" he exclaimed, lifting her from the ground.
Ren hopped off the counter. Tawny should be coming with him and Twitty…
Sure enough, Tawny entered shortly after, followed by Twitty, Brandi, Lukas, and Tom. She was wearing a black top with see-through sleeves over a red tank top, and black pants. So much black for early September in California, Ren thought, though she thought the blue-eyed girl looked as gorgeous as ever.
Ren wasted no time in trying to talk to Tawny. She poured a cup of punch and approached her. "Hey."
Tawny turned, not seeming surprised to see Ren, nor particularly excited. "Hey," she said plainly, crossing her arms.
Ren smiled nervously and held up the cup.
Tawny hesitated, but took the drink. "Thanks."
Ren nodded. "So…"
"I haven't returned your calls, I don't answer the door when you come over," Tawny said. "I think you are intelligent enough to interpret these things correctly."
"Tawny," Ren protested.
"I don't want to talk about it," Tawny insisted. "I don't. I'm not going to. That's it. So, back off."
She pushed past Ren and forced herself to look happy as she tried to mingle with other guests. Maybe find a suitable partner for the night…
Ren frowned, her hands planted firmly on her hips.
Meanwhile, the others gathered around the punch, serving themselves and their partners.
"So, you two seem to have hit it off really well," Ruby said to Tom, grinning.
"Yes, we certainly have," Tom laughed.
Lukas grinned and nodded as well. "It sucks he's going to be in San Diego again in a few days."
"Well I have more of a reason to visit frequently now," Tom said.
"That you do," Lukas beamed, kissing Tom on the cheek.
"So cute," Ruby remarked, then turning her attention to Brandi. "And you and Twitty? Are you guys sex-buddies or what?"
"We're officially a couple!" Brandi said, trying to seem casual and cool, but unable to hide the excitement in her voice. "He asked me to be his girlfriend a couple days ago."
"Oh my God!" Ruby squealed. "That's so great!"
"I know!" Brandi laughed.
"Wait," Louis interrupted their conversation. "Twitty is only seeing you now? He's not… what?" He left without letting them respond, seeking out his tall, blond friend. "Hey, many, what's the I hear about you and Brandi?"
"Oh, dude," Twitty laughed. "Yeah, we're together now. Like officially. She's my girl. As of Thursday night."
"So, you're done with all the other girls?" Louis asked, unbelieving.
"Yeah," Twitty nodded with a shrug. "It's pointless when you only have eyes for one girl."
"Someone should tell Tawny that," Lukas said, appearing by their side.
"Really," Brandi agreed, also seeming to pop out of nowhere.
They all laughed.
"Speaking of Tawny…" Lukas glanced around. "Where is she?"
Tawny had helped herself to Ruby's mother's liquor cabinet, and had only managed to down four shots of vodka before Ren found her with the bottle, alone in the laundry room sitting on top of the dryer.
Frowning, the older girl took the bottle away, sealing it and setting it on the counter behind her.
Tawny tilted her head to the side. "You're still going to try and make me talk. You're probably going to try and take advantage of my being a little tipsy now."
Ren shook her head. "Come out to the party, you shouldn't be alone."
"Why not? I'm a big girl," Tawny replied, smirking. "You're worried about me again?"
"Yes," Ren nodded, pulling Tawny down from the dryer. "Come on."
Tawny didn't put up any resistance to Ren leading her back out to the kitchen and living room areas. She leaned heavily on the taller girl as they made their way to the counter.
They stood there for several minutes, pretending to be involved in whatever conversation was taking place.
In actuality, Ren was entirely concentrated on making sure Tawny didn't drink anymore, as four consecutive shots was more than enough for a girl her size, and making sure she stayed standing. She stood beside her with an arm wrapped protectively around the middle of the younger girl.
Tawny just stared off into nothingness, occasionally attempting to get another shot or sip of something being passed around or offered, not because she really wanted it so much as she enjoyed watching Ren's efforts at deflecting any and all alcohol that came their way. She enjoyed the protection Ren was offering up, though she didn't feel she needed it.
After awhile the buzz started to wear off, though the slightly light-headed sensation remained with her. They'd stood there at the counter, fake-socializing, for over an hour.
"You know," Ren whispered in her ear. "I don't need you to give me any specific details, really. I just…tell me what's wrong… what's bothering you… let me help you."
"I don't need help," Tawny replied mechanically.
Re furrowed her brow. "Don't lie to me."
"Then listen to me when I tell you the truth: I don't want to talk about it."
Ren sighed with resignation. "Fine."
"Thanks," Tawny said. "Now let's see how long you can actually do it for."
Ren rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. She doesn't want to talk about it… yet. Fine. I can wait. I've been waiting for months now. But I'm not about to let her wander off with some stranger again for the night. I can't just stand guard over her though… that's too obvious. Although, she knows how I feel so…no point in hiding it really. But it would be more effective. She should loosen up, have some fun… maybe then, if she's comfortable, she'll feel like talking.
"Come here," she said, pulling the younger girl after her over near the dance floor.
"No, I don't want to dance tonight," Tawny said, shaking her head.
"We're not going to dance," Ren said.
Tawny looked at her, a bit puzzled. "Well, then--"
Ren gestured to a television with a microphone hooked up to it. "Ruby wanted me to start some karaoke. It gets too hot with so much dancing. And the band is going to take a break. She thought we could have a karaoke intermission. After they finish this song, we're going to sing something…"
"Ha, we're going to sing something?" Tawny smirked. "No chance in hell."
"Come on," Ren smiled. "It's the least you can do since you aren't sleeping with me."
Tawny's jaw dropped. "Very funny."
"Seriously," Ren pressed.
"Seriously no," Tawny replied.
"Here's the book," Ren said, lifting if off a table with her one free hand—the other gripped Tawny's arm tightly, forbidding the younger girl to make a dash for it. She pulled her down onto the floor, against the wall. "Pick a song."
"I'll pick one for you to sing," Tawny said, taking the book. "But I'm not singing one."
"Sure, you are," Ren said.
"You can sing, I can't," Tawny replied. "It would be cruel to everyone else here, making them listen to me."
Ren laughed. "You can sing fine. And we'll sing together anyway, so we'll both sound even better."
"Again, very funny, you know, you're on a roll tonight."
Ren rolled her eyes. "Come on, sing with me."
Tawny shook her head. "I'll just listen to you."
"Fine," she sighed. "You… promise me you'll be here when I get back? I mean, you aren't going to wander off and get smashed in the laundry room again or anything?"
Tawny rolled her eyes. "No, I want to hear you sing."
"Did you pick a song?"
"No," Tawny looked back at the book. "I don't care what you sing, though. You're singing, you should pick something you like."
"Well, I should probably start with a louder song, huh? I like slower songs usually…Let me see the book."
Ren flipped through several pages before finding a song, just in time as the band's frontman announced they'd be taking a break for half an hour. "This one is good, it's in between. Slow, but not too slow. Not a great opener, but good enough. Now, you better be here when I get back. Promise?"
Tawny nodded. "I promise."
She got up and went over to the television and got the karaoke system running. "Hey everybody," her voice echoed through the microphone. "While the band takes a breather, we've got some quality entertainment for you. Nothing better than some good ol' karaoke to really get a party going… or at least get a few laughs. Ok, so, I'm starting this off, I guess. I'm going to do an older U2 song…one of my favorites…one of the only U2 songs I really like, actually. It's appropriate for right now, for me."
She pushed a couple buttons and the music started, a twinkling guitar and thumping bass, with simple percussion…
Tawny recognized "With or Without You" right away, not that she was much of a U2 fan either, though she didn't not like them, but everyone knew this song. Why was it appropriate for Ren?
Ren was blushing a little, but she wasn't shy, and once she got started singing, she got into it, giving a performance most in the room would be reluctant to follow.
See the stone set in your eyes Sleight of hand and twist of fate With or without you Through the storm we reach the shore With or without you
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you
With or without you
You give it all but I want more
And I'm waiting for you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
Tawny sighed, crossing her arms—not angry, just…sad, really.
My hands are tied
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
My body bruised, she's got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose
"I wonder if Tawny gets this," Lukas mused, turning to Twitty, who simply shrugged.
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
Tawny frowned, tempted to leave, but not wanting to since she'd promised she'd stay.
With or without you With or without you
With or without you
I cant live
With or without you
With or without you
I cant live
With or without you
With or without you
The upbeat guitar faded out as the song ended, Ren, out of breath, received a resounding applause. "So, who's next?"
At first no one volunteered, but then Lukas rushed forward and took the mic.
"What was that?" Tawny asked, as Ren sat down beside her again.
"I was expressing my frustrations through someone else's music, that's what it was," Ren replied, smirking.
Tawny looked away, not really sure how she felt about the whole thing.
"Tawny?" Ren nudged her. "Why won't you talk to me?"
Tawny just shook her head and got to her feet. She walked off, disappearing down the hallway.
Ren promptly followed her.
"Tawny?" she asked, pushing in a half-open bedroom door, and closing it behind her. "What are you doing?"
Tawny was standing near a window, looking outside. She frowned, turning to Ren. "You're just going to follow me everywhere?"
"I wasn't trying to upset you," Ren said, taking a seat on the bed.
Tawny just shook her head and stared back out the window.
"You're a complicated girl, you know that?"
Tawny half laughed.
"What's so funny?"
Tawny shrugged. "Nothing. I've just…nothing. I've been here since 8, it's midnight. I've stayed long enough that it won't look like I'm bailing if I leave now, right?"
Ren got up, ignoring what Tawny had asked, and moved over to the window. She sat on the ledge, placing herself in between Tawny and the glass, grabbing the younger girl by both arms so she couldn't leave. "I want you to be ok."
"I know you do," Tawny said, her voice barely above a whisper. "I know."
"Why won't you let me help you?"
"Because you can't," Tawny replied. "You think you can, but you can't. And I can take care of myself."
"By getting drunk and sleeping with a ton of random people?"
Tawny frowned.
"Well?"
"No," she answered grudgingly. "Being around you doesn't help me though. When I'm with you, I…I don't want to just talk with you, Ren. There are lots of other things I want to do. And I can't stand sitting here knowing I can just talk with you. I want more than that alone from you."
"I want more from you too," Ren replied.
Tawny looked away, over Ren's head. "I can't give you what you want right now. I can't. And I can't explain that in any way that you will accept."
Ren nodded. "So, it seems we're remaining at an impasse."
"So it seems," Tawny agreed, making to move away from Ren then, but finding the older girl's grip tightened on her arms, holding her there.
Ren hesitated only a moment, before releasing Tawny's arms and moving her hands up to the sides of the girl's face. She pulled Tawny's head down to her and their lips met.
Tawny moved her hands up into Ren's hair, and Ren dropped hers down to Tawny's lower back, pulling her as close as she could.
"Ok," Louis stood up on the island. "I have an important announcement to make!"
It took several seconds before he managed to quiet everyone down and make sure they were listening.
"Today is my girlfriend, Ruby Mendel…it's her birthday!"
"Happy birthday!" Several people shouted.
"This is her party, but today, Sunday, September 4th, is her birthday. Yeah, it's Sunday now. It's 12:39. And today, I wanted to tell her something, something very special! I wanted to tell her that I love her. I am in love with her!" his speech was slightly slurred, but he was sincere.
The crowd cheered and let out a chorus of "aww".
"You see, I liked her way back at the beginning of the year, but I never thought it would be more than a crush, you know? 'Cause you don't really think about that. And my best friend, Twitty, he sleeps with lots of girls—well, not anymore, because he's found his special someone too! And I was jealous of him, getting all the girls, until I got with Ruby! She's amazing and being with her is better than being with however many girls Twitty could get at a party like this! No offense, man!" he called over to his best friend, grinning. "I'm not trying to trash you! Plenty of guys would love the life you had. I didn't need it though. Because I have Ruby. And, if you could be with her, even for just one night, you'd know how much better it is. I hope you can feel at least a little bit of what I feel for her, for your girl. Because it's amazing! So, I'm just trying to say, happy birthday, Ruby, I love you!"
Ruby, the emotional girl that she way, couldn't help tearing up, though her and Twitty had exchanged a meaningful, pained look in the midst of Louis' speech that hadn't gone unnoticed by Brandi or Lukas.
The audience cheered some more and Louis hopped off the island, taking Ruby in his arms and kissing her, to which the crowd cheered some more.
A few minutes later the band took the stage again, forcing the last of a chain of awful karaoke performers away.
Meanwhile, down the hall, in one of the couple occupied bedrooms, Ren dressed herself.
"Where are you going?" Tawny asked from the bed, where she was lying naked under the sheets, her clothes forming something of a path from the window to the bed.
"Home," Ren replied bitterly, as she buttoned her shirt.
"Ren," Tawny crawled over to the older girl, slipping her arms around her waist. "Stay."
"No," Ren answered curtly, pulling Tawny's arms away from her and getting up.
"Why not?" Tawny asked, her voice very close to cracking in her anguish at the thought of Ren leaving her there.
"Why should I?" Ren hissed, unable to hide her anger. It was all at herself, rather than Tawny, though she was taking it out on the younger girl. She'd been in control, completely in control. And she just…let go. She gave in. She'd resisted for months, only to fail.
"Please," Tawny begged her from behind, grabbing her by the arm and pulling her back to the bed. "Stay." She kissed Ren's temple, then her cheek, then her neck. "Stay here, with me."
Ren bit her lip in agony, pressing her eyes closed before forcing out a reply. "No. You got your meaningless sex with me, why should I stay?" Ren asked, glaring at Tawny. I shouldn't be so mad at you, this is my fault, she thought, trying to soften her temper, but finding she couldn't.
"It's not meaningless," Tawny whispered.
Ren didn't hear her, and wouldn't have listened anyway. "I feel cheap and dirty and low. It's great, really, Tawny. Can't imagine why I didn't give in to this sooner." She stood up again and headed toward the door.
"Ren, wait," Tawny tried one last time. "Please, let's talk."
"No," Ren said, pulling open the door and stepping out into the hall. She looked back at Tawny. "I've given you exactly what you wanted from me."
Ren closed the door behind her quickly and slipped out of the party.
Tawny laid back down, unable to stop the tears from streaming down her face.