Fifty Grades Harder Chapter 5

I kept my gaze on my coffee, stirring it as Anastasia sat across from me. We'd decided to meet somewhere public. I knew we needed to talk and I didn't want our physical sides overtaking us. Neither of us had spoken, we both ordered separately and sat down across from each other at the back of the coffee house. It reminded me of our first meeting in the coffee house in Portland. It seemed so long ago, but in some ways, we were at the exact same place in our relationship, yet so much had happened.

"I'm sorry," Anastasia said.

"I don't want your apologies." I met her eyes.

"What do you want?" she asked shyly.

"What do you want?" I countered.

She looked thoughtful for a moment. "I want you."

"And I want you," I sighed, "but we need to hash some things out first."

She nodded her head, taking a sip of her drink.

"I know some of what Elena's been telling you," I said and Anastasia froze.

"I know," she breathed out, "I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't, so I did the next best thing."

So, Anastasia had transferred me so that I would read Elena's messages and figure out what was going on, she knew me well.

"Is that the only reason you transferred me?" I asked.

"No," Anastasia shifted, "I didn't like how close you were to your coworkers."

"Ana, they're just my friends, I love you, that hasn't changed."

"I also didn't like how I was behaving, always checking on you, visiting your desk. I'd never been to the IT department before. I've spent a long time establishing myself as a powerful CEO, but visiting you was breaking down the barriers I'd carefully put up." Shit. "I trust you, Christian," she said, and thank fuck she wasn't calling me Chris anymore, it made me smile. "It only made sense, after you got a job at my company, to put you somewhere more useful."

"Do you care that I got a job at Steele International?" I asked.

"Of course not," she said, "I've been asking you to work for me since the moment we met. I like you being close. Why did you quit SIP?"

"I didn't like my boss." I shrugged, that was the simplest answer.

"No one likes their boss," Anastasia said, "I should know. Do you regret it?"

"No." That was an easy one, fuck Jacklyn Hyde and whatever she was up to. Barney hadn't told me anything, but he'd spent the rest of the day scowling at his computer, tapping away. I figured I'd grill him tomorrow, I was too focused on Anastasia and the fact that she had agreed to talk to me.

"I want to talk about Elena," I said, "and exactly what she said to you on the day we broke up."

"You read the messages," Anastasia said, picking at the napkin on the table.

"I think we both know they don't tell the full story. Come on, Ana, I'm still here, I'm not going anywhere."

"I… I had been confiding in her about us," she said, not meeting my eyes. "Elena seemed fine with it all, I think she thought it was just a phase I was going through or something, she didn't expect it to last. That day, I told her we'd slept together, twice… She lost it. She started grilling me about it and I told her how much it hurt. This only enraged her further.

"She started playing on my insecurities. She reminded me why males are a hard limit for me. She told me that if it hurt the first two times, it would always hurt. She started attacking you, saying that you wanted nothing but sex from me, that you were trying to change me to fit what you needed and not what I needed. I don't know, you read the messages. She just wouldn't shut up and she didn't let me leave until I agreed that leaving you was the best decision."

It was good to finally know the truth.

"Elena abused you," I kept my voice level, "you were fifteen, she was your mother's friend. I don't care if you were on a bad path or if she saved you, what she did was unacceptable. You don't fix someone's problems by having sex with them, by playing into their fears, by dominating them. Do you understand this?" I asked. "I know you said before that you've never really reflected on it, but I hope during our time apart you have, at least a little bit." She stayed silent. "What are your thoughts on this?"

"I agree," she said softly, "but-"

I cut her off straight away. I needed her to see this for what it was and I knew how to do it.

"Elliot's fifteen," I said and her face fell. "Imagine Elena doing to him what she did to you. He's too young, he's too susceptible, and he, as far as I know, didn't have your rough start in life. You have to see it, Ana. I don't want to hear you say that Elliot would be different. It doesn't matter who it is, Elena is a predator."

"I… How do I fix things?"

"What do you mean?" I asked confused.

"She can get to me too easily, you know that. …You're right. I can't say anymore than that right now because I was at fault too. How could I not tell that she was manipulating me? I didn't even enjoy what she was doing to me. It was just different, it was acceptable… How could I let her do that to me?"

I was out of my seat and sitting next to Anastasia in an instant. I wrapped my arms around her.

"Don't you dare blame yourself," I said sternly, "predators pray on the weak. She saw you as an easy target and that's all on her, not you. Look at me, see me as the opposite. You still have the same demons, but have I ever once manipulated you? Everything we've done has been mutual, I made sure you were comfortable, I loved you. Elena never loved you."

"Christian," she wrapped her arms around me, "I've missed you so much."

"It's okay, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere."

"How can you even be with me?" she asked.

"You let me worry about that," I said, pulling her back so I could look at her. "I don't want to presume anything, but can we take this back to your place?"

Anastasia looked at me warily.

"We still have a little more to discuss," I said, "and I'd rather do that alone."

She nodded her head and we stood up. I wrapped my arm around her and led her outside where Taylor was waiting for us. He opened the door and Anastasia slid in.

"Hey, Jason," I said, shutting the door slightly, "can you make sure Kate's alright while I'm at Ana's. I don't want Jacklyn coming back."

Taylor nodded his head and I hopped in the car. As soon as I was seated, Anastasia melted into my side, resting her head on my chest. I wrapped my arms around her, holding her close, before kissing the top of her head. I sighed contentedly. We still needed to talk about us and moving forward, but so far, we'd been doing well. Neither of us had yelled. I think the time apart really put into perspective what was most important to us and that was each other.

I breathed a sigh of relief when I stepped into Anastasia's apartment.

"I missed this place," I said.

There was a slight smirk on Anastasia's face. "More than me?" she asked and it was good to see her looking more relaxed and even joking around.

"I don't know," I smiled back, "maybe I missed you a little bit more… Maybe."

"Oh, my silly boy." Anastasia launched herself into my arms, wrapping her legs around my waist. "I've never missed anyone like I missed you," she said, "I didn't like it."

"Me either, baby. Thank you for checking on me and holding me that night I was drunk. I just wish I'd been there to enjoy it, but now that I have you back in my arms I'm not going to let you go."

I walked us over to the couch and kept her on my lap as I sat down.

"We need to talk about moving forward," I said. "Where's your head at with all that?"

"I don't know," she answered. "I know the simple things, that I want you and I want to try, but I don't really know how I'm going to go about it or even if it would work."

"I have an idea," I said, "and I don't know if it'll work, but let me tell you about it. I think we need to approach this as though it's your first relationship."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Simple," I said, "you missed that in your life, you went straight into a BDSM relationship, and I'm not saying that's bad, but you need to try a normal teenage relationship."

"I still don't understand."

"We're going to start slow," I said, "really slow. I'm talking about handholding, hugging, snuggling, kissing, going on boring lame dates, simple stuff like that. Then we can slowly progress to making out and other fun stuff. I want to show you a different way, a healthier way. It won't be easy, I know that, but are you willing to try?" I held my breath, I wasn't sure I could handle it if she said no.

"That depends," she said. "Will there be any BDSM in this relationship? …I'm not sure I can give it up. I need it, I've missed it, it's all I know."

"I've missed it too," I said and it surprised her, "there's something freeing about being told exactly what to do. You don't have to think, you just submit yourself fully. I know you need it and I'm not going to ask you to give it up. I feel it's best if we keep doing it while we're trying our new relationship. I'm wary about too much change, too fast because that tripped us up before. Would you agree to one scene a week?" I asked.

Her eyes widened. "Are you sure that's what you want?" she asked. "We could do it less."

"Well, I don't want to presume again," I said, feeling embarrassed, "but before we split, I was basically living here. I want to do that again. I want to wake up with you, get ready for work together, go to work, come home and relax, and fall asleep with you in my arms. If you agree to that, I think once a week is a good idea. We can play it by ear. It's not a strict rule, none of this is, if we don't feel like it, we don't have to do it. If we need it more than once in a certain week, that's fine too."

"You've really thought about this, haven't you?"

"Of course," I said, "this is important to me, you're important to me. I've had five weeks to think this through. It's not going to be easy, I know that. I don't want you to hide your demons from me and I promise to make sure I'm as open and honest with you as I can be. We will make this work, but only if you want it to."

"I want to," she said resolved, "and I trust you and your planning. I'm glad you're on my security team, Christian. I love knowing that you're right below my office looking out for me."

"Always, baby." I flashed her my handcuff bracelet. "I never took it off," I admitted.

"But at work?" she said, touching it.

"It was hidden under my shirt," I said simply. "I was mad at you."

"I don't blame you."

"Hey, none of that, okay? I don't want you putting yourself down, that's a hard limit for me."

"I don't deserve you," she muttered against my chest.

"And I doubt I deserve you either. Come on, let's go to bed. I've missed sleeping next to you."