I sit on my smoothly carved wooden desk, chewing on my pencil, with an empty sheet of paper lying uselessly in front of me.
Mother had made me tea. Looking at her soft, assuring smile, it was only more difficult to remember what had happened after the last night in the games, once I was retrieved from a soaring hovercraft in the sky. I decide it's just too painful and time wasting to try to remember. I distract myself and look at the paper once again.
What in the name of Panem am I ever supposed to write to my dead best friend for his funeral? This letter is going to be much harder than I thought.
It seems like Mother had read my mind. Her familiar rough tone approaches the back of my neck and makes me jolt. "Lucretia, this letter thing is driving you crazy. You know you don't have to write to him."
"I know."
"Why are you, then?"
"Ajax is my best friend." I can't say any more than that, being choked up by the sound of my own voice; although Mother doesn't seem to understand me, for some reason.
She exchanges looks with Father, and he gives me disapproving face which I simply ignore.
I thought I would be happy to win these Games. I was so confident. I was prepared. Now I'm just disgusted with myself knowing that I actually enjoyed the majority of it, you know, before my best friend died. The thought of it makes me want to break my pencil in half and smash the innocent cup of earl-grey tea on the ground. How can I ever forgive myself for all the lives I ended and all the families I destroyed? Nothing will ever be the same. I think of the last boy I killed, and how I actually felt bad for him, unlike everyone else I tortured. I remember seeing Ajax when I looked at him. I remember feeling like I was the one who had killed Ajax at that very moment. I almost couldn't do it.
I think of Marlena. Her ghost-like presence sort of creeps inside of me and automatically makes me pick up my pencil. Intensely, I begin to write, rage pouring the words inside of me out and onto the fragile page.
Dearest Ajax,
This letter was extremely hard to start, but now that I have it going, I think it will be pretty easy to finish. Before the Games started, the only thing I thought about was how I was going to handle competing with you. I knew it was going to be one of us who survived, the other one just like the rest of them. Dead. I couldn't accept it! It was driving me crazy, keeping me up almost every night after both of us volunteered at the Reaping. I had felt like I was already lost in the arena before I knew what it looked like. Now I feel even more lost knowing that you're gone.
That arena really changed us. We were so driven by it since we all had the same goal: to win. But I don't even feel like I won, since I had to lose what was most important to me. We've played so many games and had so many talks. It's just hard to believe it all had to end in the game we fought the hardest to win.
Always thinking of you,
Lucretia.
A/N's:
Joseph: A/N Hey everyone, this is Joseph speaking. or typing. whatever. Anyway, I'd like to thank everyone that's been reading, and just so you, we have more planned... :). Also, since this is the last chapter, even if you're a guest, would you mind leaving a little note and let us know you've been reading. We all greatly appreciate it!
Nadine: Hey guys, it's Nadine here :) this is my final chapter and the last chapter for Already Lost. It's like a little epilogue thing, I suppose. This collaboration was a wonderful experience and I'm so glad I got to work with two amazing people and writers! Thank you guys so much for all the support :) stay tuned for future collabs! ;)
Sophie: Hola, it's me, Sophie. Well, I'd just like to thank everyone for reading and going through this journey with us. This was my first collab, and fanfic ever, for that matter. It was truly one of the greatest experiences ever. I'm very honored to have worked with such great writers for my first collab J. Once again, thanks so much for sticking with us. If you would, please leave one last review for us! We'll be back!