Chapter Twenty-Five: Old, Unhappy, Far Off Things
"I have no idea how you pulled that off," Mai breathes as soon as they are well out of the range of Admiral Maboro and his men. "That was... I'm not going to question it."
Azula catches her breath and sits down, leaning against a tree. Korra wriggles out of her grasp, looking far from disturbed by being kidnapped. Mai still has not let go of Katara, and Katara does not want to let go of her.
"We're completely off course now. We're going to have to go into a town to get back on track to Ba Sing Se," Zuko says, wiping saliva from his mouth as he stops panting.
Azula simply closes her eyes and breathes in. "This isn't easy at all. It's never easy."
"I think it's Katara and Zuko. They just have abysmal luck and it's rubbing off on us," Mai remarks with a tiny smile and Katara punches her shoulder.
"What's the point of being born lucky if it wears off at the absolute worst time?" Azula sighs, slumped even further against the tree. She does not know how she gets into all of these awful situations, and she is cursing the spirits she was born under, her father, her mother and every single person who had anything to do with this.
"It's going to be okay," Ty Lee says softly and Azula silently nods in acknowledgment. "Let's set up here for tonight and then find a town tomorrow."
Usually no one listens to Ty Lee, so she is surprised when her friends start unpacking. They do not have many of their supplies left. The tents are ashes, bags of items and weapons were left behind when they had to run. Just a few items they managed to cling to, which makes the matter of their survival significantly more pressing.
Zuko sets up a small fire as Azula does not move, her hands clasped over her lower abdomen. Ty Lee walks to her gently and sits beside her in silence. She does not like seeing Azula this way in the slightest. In fact, it absolutely kills her.
"I'm going to find water," Azula declares and her friends nod. They are sitting around and trying to get warm and comfortable despite a distinct lack of sleeping bags.
Ty Lee leaps up, grabs Azula's hand and follows her. Because she does not intend to ever let go.
They walk, hand in hand, searching for some sign of water that will not kill them.
"Why were we not trained in this? Soldiers are trained in this," Azula murmurs, still looking beyond angry about what happened with Admiral Maboro.
"Korra's fine," Ty Lee says softly and Azula grits her teeth.
"I don't care about that," she says sharply, ducking through a thicket of trees.
"You feel bad because of what happened to Kazumi. So you protect Korra. I think that's what your Avatar dream meant," Ty Lee says and Azula perks up. She certainly had not thought of such ambiguous wording.
"If it weren't for Kazumi, you would have killed Korra. Or at least not done so much to protect her," Ty Lee says calmly, as if commenting on the weather. Azula studies her for a moment, wondering how she can hide wisdom behind her sweet smile and innocent eyes.
"Stop saying smart things," Azula murmurs as they finally reach water. Azula simply stands there until Ty Lee realizes she expects her to do it, so she takes the pan from Azula and fills it.
Azula stands with her arms crossed, still looking troubled. Ty Lee worries, and worries, and worries. If Azula slips, they are all screwed. She seems to be their only chance of defeating Ozai, at least until Korra is sixteen. Ty Lee does not want to wait. And she does not want to see Azula fall into ruins again.
"I just," Ty Lee says, before sighing and shifting her weight from foot to foot. "I just want to tell you that I love you."
Azula purses her lips for a moment. "I love you too. Just stop being so soft and come back to camp with me."
Ty Lee nods with a small frown, and follows Azula to their friends. She half expects the camp to be in ashes, but everyone is sitting and talking, Mai nearly glowing from regaining Katara. Zuko is showing Korra a firebending trick.
They are a family. Better than Ty Lee's family or Ozai and Ursa or Mai's parents. They are the best family that any of them could ask for. And nothing will tear them apart, if Ty Lee has a say in it. Nothing.
"Team meeting!" Katara calls as she sees that Azula and Ty Lee have returned. Azula rolls her eyes; it is not Water Tribe's place to call team meetings when Azula is the leader. But she swallows her pride and gathers around the fire.
"So, what's our team meeting about?" Azula asks with a cocked eyebrow. Zuko feels his stomach churn at how bitter she is; this is not looking positive for them.
"About getting supplies and a map," Katara says and Azula has to admit that seems like a good thing to meet about.
"Alright. I'll entertain it," Azula states regally and everyone pretends that it matters.
Dealing with Azula is very far from Katara's favorite part of saving the world. While she no longer hates Azula for everything she has done, because she has made up for it by now, she still struggles to tolerate her. And her ego.
But Katara breathes in deeply, ignores Azula, and starts the meeting.
Many miles away from the cold and wet forest where Katara is heading a team meeting, Fire Lord Ozai has not yet heard about Admiral Maboro's failure. News travels slowly even for the Fire Nation, and now he is just going through the motions.
He is unhinged, and constantly lost in his thoughts instead of in his work. Every day he hears more about the fire Azula has started and how it is growing out of control. His people are loyal to her. To her. And he wants to have all of them executed for treason. Buried in mass graves instead of burned, because he deserves to be Fire Lord, and his daughter is not fit at all for the title.
She is crazy after all. Surely he has that going for him. Maybe she will just finally snap. While it may be sick for him to wish that, there are darker things in the royal family. With closets as spacious as the ones in this palace, there is room for more skeletons than most families can keep.
He should have known the day was coming when Zuko would leave him. During the eclipse, he did not genuinely predict it. He thought his son was still in the palm of his hand. But the tale of a son rising against his father is old and overused. It happens too often. But Azula. Azula he dared to trust. Because he poured everything of his into her, and she became the perfect daughter.
But not anymore. Part of him wants her to come home. All of him knows he will not be able to kill her, and that when he did not kill her after the Agni Kai, it wasn't because her eyes wanted it; it was because he could not bring himself to do it. But he will keep her in line. He will.
He kept her under his thumb long enough without her challenging him. He can do it again.
In the evening, Ozai finishes his work. It all involves war; something he is familiar with. And therefore, the fact that his children want to end it, and not by conquering the rest of the world, unnerves him. His thoughts on the way that Zuko and Azula have decided to restore balance when they were raised to conquer, born to dominate, he decides to visit his youngest daughter.
Kazumi. It was the second choice for Azula's name. And Azula was what Zuko's name would have been if he were a boy. Ursa disliked the idea of using Zuko's girl name for the child who was meant to replace a living one, but it happened because he wanted it to.
She liked the name Kazumi. It disturbs him that it was the first name that came to mind, but he decided it would have to do. His intention was to be rid of it... her. Azula was only using her as leverage, until he realized that she could be leverage against Azula and Zuko.
So he claimed her as his heir. No one asked any questions.
Most servants figured it out quickly.
The populace, however, would never imagine such an awful thing.
He walks into the heavily guarded nursery and sees her sleeping. Newborn, and he finds her cute. He even thought Zuko was cute as a newborn, before he turned out to be such a disappointment.
Ozai did love his children. He knows he did. He still does, even now that they defy him. And he can remember both of their first steps, the days they first bent fire or spoke. First words and sentences. When they were babies.
But, on the other hand, he is just as willing to destroy them for the throne as he was willing to kill his father and brother. Or sacrifice his wife. They are both valuable to him and expendable, and he tries not to think about it.
"I'm going to hold her," Ozai says to one of the multiple nannies caring for her. She nods, as if she needed to give him permission.
He takes Kazumi in his arms and she does not wake up. She just stirs in her sleep.
Ozai looks at her and tries to spin it in a positive light. Sacrificing them all was worth it, perhaps, because he has Kazumi anyway, and she won't be so twisted like Azula and Zuko. Corrupt like them.
But Zuko and Azula are strong. Zuko joined the Avatar and if Azula weren't stronger, would have overtaken Ozai. Iroh now heads the Earth Kingdom forces and has pushed back the Fire Nation for over three years. Azula is the most dangerous. And she is heading directly into the arms of the enemy.
Kazumi wakes up and Ozai is ripped from the constant circus of thoughts about his children and the choices in his life within his head, her golden eyes fluttering. She looks more like her mother... or maybe her father. It's difficult to tell. The same eyes, after all. Dark hair against pale skin. The ideal Fire Nation child. The features of Ursa that Ozai saw in her are starting to fade, or maybe he is learning to ignore it; he is not sure.
She will do great things. As disgusting as it is to admit, without the influence of Ursa and her ancestors in the child's veins, her blood runs with qualities Ozai finds superior.
But when he looks at her, he still thinks about his wife. Zuko. His father. Azula. Iroh.
The memories are vaguely painful, like they never had been before.
And they all are most painful because he is afraid.
He is fucking terrified of his children. And he never stops thinking about them for a single second during the day.
He holds Kazumi and tries to focus on her, and not see Azula or Zuko looking back at him.
Meanwhile, the team meeting begins. Zuko looks impatient as Korra is playing with water, already performing complicated moves as a baby. Azula picks at her long nails, not sure why she even is here. Every day she thinks more and more about just abandoning them all and taking on the Fire Nation herself. She could do it.
Katara outlined the plan for them to regain supplies and it is risky. But they have found more trodden paths nearby, and she knows that if they follow them they will find a village. And hopefully not get caught in said village.
After the team meeting finishes they go to sleep, prepared for the journey through main roads, and hoping that no one will recognize them. It is a slim chance that they will survive long enough to reach Ba Sing Se, and weighing those abysmal odds keeps Katara tossing and turning almost as much as the thoughts of her lost bending.
"I'm cold," Ty Lee complains the next day as the sun is hitting its apex. They are walking and the grass is dusted with frost. Her limbs are seizing up from it. "I'm so cold!"
"We know," Zuko groans, rubbing his neck. Ty Lee's complaining is getting immensely tiring.
"We lived in the South Pole for like five months, Ty Lee," Mai says, rolling her eyes. "You can handle a little Earth Kingdom chill."
"I almost miss the Fire Nation," Ty Lee sighs, ignoring her friends. "The palace was pretty nice, even if it was a prison."
"Well, when we go back I'm renovating. Tearing all to most of it down," Azula says and Zuko sighs.
"That sounds expensive," Zuko says and Azula sticks her tongue out.
"How many statues of you will you put in, Azula? I need to cheer up," Mai inquires, speeding up to be between the royal siblings.
"Four to six. It depends on how good they look. I only really have seven or eight excellent angles, and I need to save one for my second portrait, and I've used one angle for the last one."
"Expensive. Extremely expensive," Zuko snaps.
"Have you seen the treasury? No, you haven't because you've been royalty for three months in the past half of a decade. We can afford some renovations," Azula says, cocking an eyebrow.
"You'll have to pay reparations to the Earth Kingdom and Water Tribe," Zuko says earnestly and Azula simply laughs.
"Reparations? I'll give them a change in management and pull out of the colonies. That's their reparations." Azula shakes her head slowly in disbelief of Zuko. "But, of course I'll help restore balance or whatever I'm supposed to do if I want to be Fire Lord again. I'm not just going to throw money at the other nations and expect them to get better. I'll actively attempt to improve their lives while still having enough money for four to six statues of myself. And believe me, we have enough money. One hundred years of endless pillaging does wonders for an economy."
"You know what, it's way better than the past three Fire Lords, so we'll have to take it," Mai says with a shrug and Azula smirks.
"I'm going to end the war in a way that lets everybody win. By strangling my father to death. It really is just a win win for everyone involved."
"Except for father," Zuko says and Azula shrugs. "Who is going to be strangled to death."
"Yup. Everybody wins but him. That is exactly how I imagine the war ending after I, well, ended the war two years ago in Ba Sing Se." Azula smirks and shrugs pleasantly.
"I can't believe the comet actually lost us footing. I mean, it literally is the key to Fire Nation victory and it just fucked us," Mai remarks, laughing mirthlessly.
"I know. You think I don't know? If we had just stayed home during the comet everything would be so much better," Azula says airily with yet another small, smug smirk.
"It was your idea, Azula," Zuko growls.
"Zuko, just shut up. That's your talking limit for the day," Azula snarls.
"But... it was. You were the one who said we should burn everything to the ground. It's essentially your fault that─"
"Honestly, Zuko, I'm with her too. You've surpassed your talking limit," Mai interrupts.
Zuko grumbles something to himself and slows down to walk with Katara, Ty Lee and Korra.
In the afternoon, as they set up camp, Korra demands to go with Katara to learn how to hunt. No one protests, although Katara wonders if it is a good skill to teach her, given how dark the concept is. But the child is insolent, demanding and overconfident, so Katara scoops her up in her arms and walks into the woods with her.
The loss of bending has become more normal for Katara, as sick as that makes her feel. She focuses on setting up snares and talking quietly to Korra. Maybe it is a good skill to learn in a world where being a fugitive is more common than being able to show your face in public.
And the Avatar will always be wanted. That is, unless they succeed in killing Ozai.
"So this is how you make a snare," Katara explains, thinking briefly about Sokka explaining the exact same thing to her. She hopes he is okay, and alive and well in Ba Sing Se where she last saw him. "Careful not to cut yourself on it."
"Mhm," Korra says, nodding. Katara sets it up. "Now what?"
"You have to leave and check back later," Katara says with a small smile. Korra raises an eyebrow.
"What? That's it?" she asks, looking confused. Katara shrugs. "This is boring."
"I didn't promise it would be exciting," Katara says, standing up and grabbing Korra's unwilling hand.
The little Avatar grumbles in frustration.
That night, the camp is abuzz. Everyone is still on their high from the fight with Admiral Maboro, even though it was a week ago. Mai and Ty Lee and Azula are laughing together, Azula's arm wrapped around Ty Lee and Mai with a surprising amount of life in her movements.
Katara stands on the outskirts, unsure where to go, after she tucks in Korra for the night.
She still feels off, slightly miserable. Pitying herself is not something Katara likes to do, but she cannot believe she let herself get captured. It was all because her bending has abandoned her. She will have to find a way to regain it at some point, but that feels far off right now.
Sitting down by Zuko, Mai, Ty Lee and Azula, she tries to catch up on their conversation.
"...and I slept with her, actually." Zuko rubs his neck as Mai's eyebrows shoot up. It is one of the most drastic expressions Katara has seen on her face. Azula laughs and Ty Lee looks mildly repulsed.
"Who?" Katara asks, curious.
"Jun the Bounty Hunter," Zuko mumbles, his face nearly as red as his scar.
"So, you're telling me you slept with Jun the Bounty Hunter," Katara remarks with a small smirk. "Really?"
"Really." Zuko rubs his neck again, the fire illuminating him and his discomfort. Really.
"And you're all hissy about me and Katara," Mai says, rolling her eyes. "Her? I agree: really?"
Azula cocks an eyebrow. "You all just really can't be satisfied with one lover, can you?"
"Don't get so high and mighty about your precious relationship with circus girl," Katara snaps and Azula's eyes flash.
"I think I can. I mean, your boyfriend died very recently and you're already hopping on Mai's lap. Mai slept with Zuko at our waterfall camp, you and Mai have been sleeping together regularly despite Mai telling both of you she's dating you. Zuko slept with Jun and presumably multiple other girls during the exile I sent him on. I'm the only person who stayed true to my first love. I even freed her from prison. Three times," Azula says, one palm upturned. Katara wants to smack the smug smirk off of her face.
"You're also the one with a lovechild, who, I'm pretty sure was conceived while you were dating Ty Lee, who, last time I checked, can't get anyone pregnant," Katara snarls, bristling over the criticism of she and Mai. Azula hesitates, blinking in surprise and Katara is almost proud that she said something to leave the snarky princess speechless.
But then Azula is gone. It is Katara's turn to be shocked as Azula disappears into the woods, her shoulders shaking slightly.
"Did you see that?" Katara asks, glancing between her friends.
"I'll go talk to her," Ty Lee says, pushing herself up off of the rock she was seated on and dashing into the forest. Losing Azula would be very bad for everyone.
"What was so wrong with what I said? I get tired of her smugness sometimes," Katara says, although she feels a twinge of guilt for clearly upsetting Azula. She only intended to make Azula think twice about being condescending and rude, not to make her cry.
But Katara is fairly certain Azula does not want to hear condolences from her.
"Nothing," Zuko says as Mai opens her mouth. His hurried tone leaves Katara to believe she is about to be lied to. "She's just sensitive about Kazumi being left behind."
That made it worse. Now Katara is frowning at the campfire.
"I didn't think about that. It's easy to see her as so unfeeling," Katara sighs, her eyes burning from the acrid smoke. "We left her baby behind..."
Mai studies Zuko's face closely and they both wonder how much the other knows.
"She'll get over it," Mai says, patting Katara's back and gazing into the dark woods.
Katara waits for Azula, but when she comes back from Ty Lee consoling her, she isolates herself in a corner of the camp. And Katara can tell that Azula does not want to talk to her. So Katara watches water broil, knowing she will not be able to sleep.
But Mai approaches her, saying, "Want to go for a walk?"
"I'd love to," Katara sighs, taking Mai's hand and letting Mai help her to her feet.
They walk towards the woods, carefully examining the trees by their camp so that they kind find their way back. It's the full moon and Katara can feel its power, but she cannot make the water do as she wants it to. She feels weak and helpless and it enrages her.
"I want to talk to you about this Hama thing," Mai says and Katara supposes she should have expected Mai to have an agenda. "I want to tell you that you're not Hama, whoever she seems to be because I'm still pretty unclear on it, but I want to tell you that I've never met anybody like you before."
"Like what?" Katara looks at Mai's amber eyes and sees that she is entirely genuine. She also sees emotion she has never witnessed before. Tonight is strange.
"You care about people and things. I've never known somebody who ever did things without getting something in return. And whoever this Hama lady is, I doubt she is anything like you." Mai looks uncomfortable after that. "I've spent my entire life surrounded by people who don't do anything for anyone unless they're getting something out of it. Everybody just manipulated each other. When I saw you in the Boiling Rock helping people for no reason at the expensive of getting beat up by guards, well... it was different. A little annoying. But I liked it."
"It's..." Katara does not know what to say.
"I'm not so great with expressing my feelings. I kind of try to avoid it, but I've kind of made it clear that I, uh, feel things about you. I guess, I'm trying to say, Katara, you're a really rare kind of person; a genuinely good person and I probably don't deserve you seeing as I cheat, steal and lie and─"
Katara kisses Mai on the lips. She does not need to hear any more, as she feels her heart heat up and melt. They linger there in the woods, clinging to each other. It is perfect, amongst the painful imperfections of the world after Sozin's Comet.
It starts to rain, and Katara groans in frustration, breaking away from Mai. This is exactly what they need. Freezing rain while they have no tents or sleeping bags. Mai can only laugh at how much worse everything is getting.
Katara catches a raindrop and wills it to move. She can feel it; for the first time she can feel the water since her bending betrayed her. As she reaches for more raindrops, to try to bend them, she cannot. No progress, except for the fact that her senses have returned.
But what good is feeling the water if she can't bend it?
Then again, progress is good regardless.
Maybe it isn't gone forever.
"Do you think about if we die?" Ty Lee whispers as she and Azula are on watch together.
The camp is silent, everyone fast asleep. The exhaustion of cold days walking with limited food and water has taken a toll on all of them. And Azula is starting to slip and bend, her nightmares getting worse as time passes.
"I try not to," Azula lies.
"You always think ahead; don't give me that," Ty Lee says and Azula swallows.
"I never expected to die this young. Seventeen is a bit too young to die. People... people have this way of believing that nothing bad will ever happen to them; only to others. I thought that in my little glass palace before it broke. I didn't anticipate the Boiling Rock or being dethroned. I didn't anticipate the fact that I'm probably going to die young."
Azula is silent for a moment. Ty Lee wonders if she should speak.
But Azula continues with, "I kind of thought we'd grow old together and have grandchildren before we died on the same day. I also thought when I died, I'd have the funeral of a Fire Lord, and my son or daughter would take the throne. That's my dream."
"Neither of us would be left alone to grieve for the one who went first," Ty Lee whispers and Azula slowly nods.
Their lips meet passionately. Azula sucks on Ty Lee's lower lip. And she wants it to last forever. Her hands slip behind Ty Lee's back, holding her there.
They are pressed together in the cold night, beneath the full moon. Their fingers stray and their lips trace across familiar skin.
Neither of us would be left alone to grieve for the one who went first.
Azula feels physical pain as they pull apart from each other. Death is not a concept she ever wanted to understand, nor the concept of her caring about anyone but herself and her own life.
She just gazes out into the night, her eyes glazed, and can only hope that she will be able to defeat her father.
Fire Lord Ozai gets news of Admiral Maboro's failure and is livid.
"She just walked into the camp and you didn't restrain her?"
"They put her in handcuffs," the soldier offers and the flames burst and lick the ceiling with vivacity and rage. "Uh. We weren't expecting the strike."
"You deeply underestimate my daughter," Ozai growls and the soldier turns as red as his armor. He looks terrified and Ozai is glad of it.
"I need them now, before I'm forced to do something drastic."
Useless, useless. And Ozai can only feel bitter, metallic rage as he is forced to rethink his plan to claim Azula and her Avatar and kill the rest.
Rage.
Katara slips back on her clothes, holding Mai's hand for a brief moment. "I feel bad about Azula."
"Don't," Mai murmurs, finding her own clothes. They are damp and smell like forest. Ick. "I can talk to she and Ty Lee if you want. Not that I made any progress last time, but you did want us to overcome our dark feelings or something like that, didn't you?"
Katara slowly nods. Azula and Ty Lee do not trust her, or at least consider her a friend as much as Zuko and Mai. But Katara feels the same about her as she did about Toph, or Aang or Sokka. They are her family and she wants them to be happy.
Most importantly, she wants their heads on straight when they get to Ba Sing Se and start planning the invasion. That is invaluable.
"Please talk to them. I'll apologize first, if that helps," Katara says and Mai does not think it will help at all, but she goes along with it.
When Katara makes it back to camp, Azula is on watch with Zuko.
"I want to apologize," Katara announces without hesitation and Azula looks up at her for a moment. Her eyes are slightly stained from tears and Katara feels ill. She did not think her love for Ty Lee ran that strong, but perhaps it did. Perhaps Katara does not understand Azula as much as she thought she did.
"It doesn't bother me," Azula lies and Katara purses her lips. "Don't look at me so maternally," Azula snarls and Katara recoils from the force of her words. "I don't like to be mothered."
And all Katara does is mother people. She remembers that day, so long ago, when she fought with Toph. She is their mother; they are her children. But Azula would not want it, and Katara is not quite sure why. Zuko loved his mother; he proved that time and time again. Azula's difference in feelings is strange, but Katara knows better than to dive into it with Azula, so she walks to curl up beside Korra and Ty Lee.
"You were fucking her?" is the first thing Azula asks and Mai sighs. Zuko squirms uncomfortably.
"We slept together," Mai says and Azula sighs.
It is raining, and Mai and Katara are fucking, and the fire keeps dying, and Azula does not think she will live much longer. This could not possibly get any worse if her father showed up right now and dragged her by her hair from the Earth Kingdom to the Fire Nation.
"You need to talk about these feelings before you combust," Mai says, shivering slightly from the cold. Azula purses her lips and averts her eyes like a spoilt child. "Zuko, go to sleep."
"I don't know if I..." Zuko does not want to touch this with a ten foot pole.
"I'll take your watch. Go to sleep," Mai orders and Zuko hesitantly nods. He likely should do something about this, but he is tired, wet, cold and sore. If Mai and Azula want to fight, they can fight. "Alright, princess, we're having a heart to heart."
"I would rather die," Azula says sharply and Mai sits down across from her with a steely expression.
"I'm not moving until you start spilling your guts. So do it before we both die of exposure," Mai says, crossing her arms. Azula chews on her lips until they are shredded. They already had dots of blood from her turning into a habit since their captivity. Which only gives Mai more of a sign that Azula is struggling.
"You want a heart to heart?" Azula demands coldly. "I'll give you a heart to heart."
"That's what I like to hear," Mai sighs.