Chapter 25 – An End and a Beginning

I wake in my mother's room, feeling slightly disoriented as I look around at the early twilight dimness and the figure sitting beside me on the bed. I must have fallen asleep…

"It's just me." Jasper's voice is quiet, and I can see his shadowed eyes watching me.

I grunt and struggle to sit up, rubbing my eyes and yawning. I must have slept for hours. I notice the ultrasound photos on the quilt, and surreptitiously put my hand over it and slide it under the pillow. I don't want Jasper to see just yet.

"I didn't know where you were," Jasper says. "You weren't anywhere in the house."

"You know I like to come in here."

"You've been in here a lot lately," Jasper says carefully. "Is there something wrong?"

Everything is wrong, Jasper. I've messed up everything.

I shrug and play with my hair a little bit. "There's some things going on…but I think I've figured it out now."

"You can talk to me if you want, you know that right?" Jasper taps me gently on the leg. "Did you have a fight with Royce?"

My heart thuds. "What makes you say that?"

"Because he called my phone looking for you," Jasper says wryly. "Said you weren't answering yours."

I turn my phone on, grimacing at the number of missed calls and messages. "Yeah actually, we did have a fight. But it's not a big deal…like I said, I've figured it out. " I grab his hand and give it a squeeze. "Do you want to do something tonight? Go to a movie or something?"

"Sure." Jasper sounds both surprised and pleased. "That'd be good. We can grab some dinner too…let's go."

I have fun with Jasper. He makes me laugh, and he's so relaxing to be around. He cares enough to buy me peanut M&Ms without asking and knows me well enough to snitch them without asking too, because I'll never share my peanuts otherwise! I'd almost forgotten, in all my months with Royce, what it's like to be with someone who knows all my flaws and doesn't care about them. I'm almost happy when we get home and I fall into bed to go to sleep, carefully tucking my precious ultrasound photos into my jewellery box before I do so.

The happiness has fled in the morning. All I feel is a heavy, sinking feeling of dread as I eat my morning oatmeal and listen to the messages Royce has left me overnight. His messages run the gamut from furious rage to grovelling apology, but I delete everything before I go up to my room to shower. I can't listen to his excuses. Already I feel my heart softening and beginning to try and excuse what he did, and I know I can't let myself do that. Not this time.

My capri pants won't button anymore, so I loop a hair tie in the button hole and stretch it across the bulge of my belly to the button to hold them on and slip on one of my own t-shirts, not trying to hide anything now. I'm going to break up with Royce today, and tell him about the baby. Once that's done I can think about telling Jasper, and Dad, and everyone else. I don't want to lie anymore.

I intend to call Royce and meet him someplace neutral, someplace public to talk to him. I don't acknowledge it, but the truth is I'm scared that he'll hit me again and I know I'll feel safer if there are other people nearby. But when I go downstairs again he's already here, sitting on the front step with his shoulders slumped and his head in his hands. Reluctantly I go outside and sit down beside him.

"Hey."

"Hey." He looks at me with his dark eyes intense. "You didn't answer your phone. I've been calling you all night."

My hair is still damp from my shower, and I carefully curl a lock around my finger. "I know. I didn't want to talk…I needed to think."

"I am so sorry about yesterday," Royce says hoarsely. He reaches across and strokes my face, and I stiffen. "Please Rosalie…you know how much I love you. I was just angry…I didn't mean it."

I want to cry. His face is looking at me so sadly, his eyes pleading with me to forgive him, and I hate myself for how much I want to forgive him. I know that what he did was wrong and our relationship is all kinds of screwed up, but I can't help the way I still love him.

"Please." Royce's face is closer now, and he brushes his lips across mine. "I love you. You know that. I'm sorry…I would never hurt you."

But you did. You hurt me a lot. And every single time you said you were sorry.

I pull away. "No. I can't…we can't do this."

"Do what?" Royce tries to take my hands. "Rosalie, it was just temper, that's all. We can just pretend it didn't happen and go back to normal."

"But it did happen, didn't it?" My voice is shaking, and my trembling hands twist in my hair. "I think…I think we shouldn't see each other anymore."

Royce's face goes hard. "What are you saying?"

"Royce, we're not good together. Maybe we can still be friends, but I can't go out with you anymore. We need to break up," I say softly.

"That's a load of crap," Royce says flatly. "We don't need to do anything. You're mine…and yeah, okay, maybe I need to try and keep my temper a bit better, but I can do that. You don't need to go anywhere."

I had known he wouldn't make this easy, but this is harder than I thought and I have to steel myself to meet his eyes. "I'm sorry, but whatever you say doesn't make any difference. I don't want to be with you anymore, so it's over."

"Why? Is there someone else? God help me, Rosalie, if you've been seeing someone else behind my back…" Royce's face is ugly with menace.

"There's no one else! But it's not working and you hurt me and I'm scared of you!" I bite my lip hard so I don't say more. I have seen the gleam in his eyes when he spies weakness, and I don't want to show him mine.

"But you don't have to be," Royce says, soft and conciliatory. "You know how much I love you and I promise I won't ever hurt you again. We'll work it out. You know you love me and we have a good time together- you don't really want to throw that away over one mistake." Confident that I'll give in to him, Royce reaches towards me.

"I'm pregnant!" I burst out, jerking away from his touch.

The silence is deafening. Royce's face is suffused with rage, but when he speaks his voice is flat and emotionless.

"You stupid bitch." He stares at me. "Get rid of it."

My hands are shaking again, and I clasp them together so he won't see. "No."

"I mean it Rosalie, you are not doing this. Get rid of the fucking thing! I'll give you the money, but you are damn well going to the clinic and fixing your mistake."

"My mistake? I didn't make this baby on my own you know."

"You goddamn worthless…" Royce's fists clench, and even though I don't want to I instinctively cringe away from him. "You are not doing this to me. If you think this means you're getting money from me or the old man or…"

"I'm not doing it for money! I don't want anything from you!" Tears are brimming in my eyes. "I'm breaking up with you, remember? You can just walk away if that's what you want, and I'll take care of the baby by myself."

"Are you really this stupid? You're not breaking up with me. You're mine."

"I'm going to have the baby," I say quietly, trying to lower the emotional tone. "You can be as involved, or not involved, as you want. But you and me…that has to end."

Royce is shaking his head. "No way. You want to have a baby? Fine, go ahead and have the rugrat and play mommy if that's what gets you off. I don't give a shit. But you are mine Rosalie, and you don't get to walk away unless I say you can."

He sounds so determined, and inside I quail. I'm so used to giving in to him! And the idea of being alone, of raising this baby as a teenage single mother is so frightening…

No! He hurt you, remember? He hit you, and if you don't break up with him he'll do it again. And maybe next time he'll hurt the baby too.

"You can't decide for me Royce." I get to my feet and fold my arms tightly across my chest. "I don't want to be with you anymore and I'm not going to change my mind. I hope we can stay friendly, and if you want to talk about the baby then we can, but that's all it will be."

I don't know if he's even listening. He's staring at my middle, at the tell tale bulge he can see with my folded arms pulling my tshirt tight. The visible evidence, if he needed it, that I'm telling the truth.

"This isn't all," he says quietly. "This isn't finished Rosalie, and don't you pretend to yourself that it is."

"It is over," I say tiredly. "I'm sorry, but I can't do this anymore. We're done." And I turn and walk back into my house, closing the door gently behind me.

It doesn't end there though. Royce hammers on the door and screams and swears at me to open it, to talk to him, to let him in. He threatens me, and safe on my side of the door I cower, but I don't break and give in. I wish Jasper were here, or even my dad, as I sit with my back against the wall, watching the door while tears run down my cheeks. I knew he had a temper, I knew that there was a streak of violence in him, but I hadn't expected this and I don't know what to now that's happening.

I think about calling Jasper, or even the police, but I'm too ashamed to do it. I know, logically, that this isn't my fault but I'm too embarrassed to ask for help if it means someone coming and seeing the shambles I've made of my life.

In the end it's a neighbour, fed up with all the noise and unafraid of Royce, who comes out and yells at him to go away and take his foul mouth with him or else he'll call the police. Royce hurls a few choice words in his direction, but a few moments later I hear the roar of the engine and the squeal of tires as he takes off.

Safe.

I try and breathe deeply. It's over now. He's gone away, and he'll calm down and accept that it's over. We'll have to talk about the baby one day, but that can wait until we're both ready to deal with each other in a different way. It's going to be okay. You've told him and that's the hardest part.

I can't stop the shaking, and I know I can't be by myself right now. Despite what I keep telling myself, I'm afraid that Royce might come back and that I'll give in to him like I always do. I need someone to talk to, someone who really loves me and can make me feel steady, can help pull me out of this quicksand of fear and uncertainty that Royce has left me floundering in. But Jasper's phone goes straight to message bank and I don't know where he is, so I turn to the next number. Vera. Who answers on the second ring, and whose voice is so reassuring and familiar that for a moment I can't even talk through the tears.

"Rosalie? Rose, what is it?" Her voice is high and anxious. "What's going on?"

"Are you at home?" I finally manage to stutter. "I need…" I can't even finish.

"I'm at home," Vera says. "Come over Rosalie and we'll talk about it. Whatever it is…we'll sort something out. Come over, I'll be waiting.

She is waiting. Standing at the edge of the sidewalk with unwashed hair and baby spit up on her t-shirt, looking anxiously down the street for me, Vera is beautiful and I fall into her arms with a choked cry. She hugs me tight, and makes little noises of distress as she leads me tenderly into her apartment and sits me down on one end of the sofa, sitting beside me and holding my hands tightly.

"Tell me what it is."

"It's…I broke up with Royce…and he hit me…he hurt me and I can't do that anymore…and I'm having his baby and I've messed up everything…" I'm really crying now, and I don't even know if she can understand me through my hiccupping and sobbing and snuffling. But it doesn't matter.

"Oh god, Rosalie, you poor thing…" Vera hugs me and I bury my face in her shoulder and cry for a long time before I pull away and wipe ineffectually at my eyes with my hand.

"Here." Vera hands me a cloth printed with bunnies. "It's clean. Wipe your face and blow your nose and tell me about it. Royce, the baby, all of it."

I wipe my face with the soft cloth and say dully, "You were right about him. He's not the way he seems to be, but I was too stupid and naïve to work it out…"

"Don't talk about yourself that way," Vera scolds gently. "Rose, you're one of the smartest people I know and he wanted you to see him in a particular light. He wanted you to want him."

"There were signs I should have seen," I whisper. "He wasn't always good to me. He did…things. I guess I didn't want it to be true, so I pretended it wasn't. I pretended that it didn't matter because he didn't mean it and he was sorry, but then yesterday we had a fight and he…hit me. Hard." I cup my hand over the side of my face at the memory. "I couldn't pretend that away."

Vera is blazing with anger. "That asshole! I knew he wasn't great, I knew there was something bad going on…oh Rosalie, you poor thing," she croons, as I lay my head down on the arm of the sofa and cover my face in an agony of shame.

"I was so stupid," I choke. "All of it…I was just so stupid, and I should have known better and..."

"No, no no NO," Vera says fiercely. "It wasn't your fault Rosalie, you were the victim and this is all on him. He's the one…oh, sweetie, I wish you'd told someone earlier and hadn't been living with this all this time!"

I shake my head wearily. "I couldn't. I couldn't see it, and everyone always said how good we were together and how perfect it all was, and I wanted that. I wanted him." I wipe my eyes again.

Henry cries, and Vera jumps up to get him. The few minutes she takes to change his diaper give me time to compose myself, and I'm sitting up and breathing more steadily when she returns. Vera grabs a pillow and settles Henry at her breast, waiting until he's sucking fiercely before she turns back to me.

"The other thing you said," she says hesitantly. "Is that…?"

"I'm pregnant. And it's his, of course."

Vera blinks. "I don't even know what to say. Damn…are you sure? Have you made up your mind what you're going to do?"

I touch Henry's toes in his knitted elf boots. "I made up my mind a long time ago," I say in a low voice. "I'm sixteen weeks pregnant now, and it doesn't matter that I'm alone and scared and that Royce is the dad. Because I love my baby, and I want it, and I can make it work."

"Well, that's all that matters then," Vera says stoutly, sniffing as the tears well in her eyes too. "It won't be easy – god, how well I know that it won't be easy! – but I'll help you all I can. You might not have Royce, but Jasper will be the best uncle in the world, I bet." She brushes her fingers gently across the curly dark hair of her son. "You'll work it out Rosalie. You've already done the best and the hardest thing by breaking up with Royce."

I spend the rest of the day in Vera's safe and cosy little apartment. I play with Henry and rock him to sleep in my arms while Vera and I talk and laugh and even cry a little. Jim comes home with lunch and joins in, and when I watch how tenderly he looks at Vera and how gently and lovingly he handles the baby I know that, no matter how much it hurts, I've done the right thing. I can't bear the idea of Royce treating the baby like he treated me, of doing anything that's going to make her afraid of him. If that means I have to take care of her alone then that's what I'll do. But as Vera and Jim talk and laugh, I smile back at them and then think of Jasper, and I know I'm not going to be alone. Not really.

I have no idea, not even an inkling, of what's going to happen next.