Phil, Dan, and Jenny spent most of the nerve wracking next few days attempting to contact Mel through every method known to man. They tweeted, texted, called, emailed, and personal messaged; they even sent her private videos in which they begged her to contact them, all to no avail. Eventually, they had to come to the conclusion that Mel must have gone back to abiding by her restrictions.

Jenny called the leaders of all the US branches of YTRPFWA, asking if anyone knew how to get a hold of the elusive writer. It seemed as though everyone they talked to knew melazingfirekickstickzneribedtimehexaplantbrycoollikeradgemonkeyssayhoottosnakesOMFGDFTBA_13 but, with the exception of Jenny, no one actually knew Melanie.

That wasn't all they had to deal with though. Dan and Phil spent pretty much every moment that they weren't trying to contact Mel attempting to keep each other alive – and to a lesser extent, sane. The frequency of their dramatic meltdowns had increased along with the suicide attempts, meaning that Dan and Phil could pretty much never be left alone.

After explaining the situation to her boss at YouTube Real Person Fanfiction Writers Anonymous, Jenny was given a special leave to help Dan and Phil deal with the repercussions of Mel's work in progress, or "WIP" as she called it.

At first, the two were very reluctant to let Jenny stay with them – due to the fact that she was a former stalker. Eventually though, they consented when they realized that even sleeping had become a dangerous activity.

They had discovered this fact when Dan had just so happened to wake up at four A.M. and found Phil attempting to drown himself in the bathtub. So, they worked out a shift system with Jenny wherein one of them would sleep at a time and the other two would stay up to deal with any "external influences".

"You know, I think that there's still hope," Jenny told Phil one afternoon as they sat in front of the TV, half-heartedly playing Mario Kart Wii.

They had rigged up some video baby monitors – surveillance system style – so that they could keep an eye on their sleeping counterpart.

"Which is…?" Phil asked as his virtual car hit a banana peel and skidded off the track.

"VidCon," Jenny said. She hit a power-up just in time to take the lead from Yoshi. "According to that tweet, Mel's still going. That means that all we have to do is keep you guys alive for two more weeks until we can fly out to California, find Mel at the convention, and beg her to stop writing."

"Because it's not like there will be thousands of other people there so that it's next to impossible to find anyone," Phil sarcastically replied.

Jenny put down her controller and looked him right in the eyes. "You can't give up, Phil. You're not dead yet. Yeah, things are looking pretty grim, but we've held on for so long already. We can make it. I really believe that. "

Phil was about to reply when they heard the sound of sheets rustling on the baby monitor. Jenny flipped on the display and they saw the fuzzy image of Dan sprinting out of his room.

"Crap!" Jenny yelled. "Get him!"

The two jumped off the couch and raced down the hallway, trying to figure out where exactly he'd gone. After a quick search, Phil found his flatmate standing in the bathroom in front of the open medicine cabinet, about to stuff a handful of pills into his mouth.

"Dan!" Phil shouted. "Don't you dare!"

"What's the point?" Dan asked, his voice eerie and foreign. "Nobody likes me. No one would care if I were to just… disappear."

"That's not true," Phil said firmly, taking a step closer. "Now, give me the pills, Dan. I really don't want to have to kiss you again."

"You don't want to kiss me because you don't like me," Dan answered in the same hallow tone. "No one likes me."

"Dan," Phil warned, "that's a lie. Now, just give me the pills, and nobody gets hurt."

"We're already hurt, Phil," Dan's voice floated back. "Everybody's hurt, and nobody cares."

"I care," Phil said, taking another cautious step forward, "and so do the rest of your friends, and your family, and your fans, and lots of other people. Your life does not have to end in tragedy. We're better than this. We can fight this."

"Goodbye, Phil," Dan said, dropping the little white capsules into his mouth.

At that instant, Jenny—who had taken advantage of the last few moments of distraction to crawl unnoticed into the bathroom—used a hardcover book to smack Dan in the back of the head as hard as she could. She and Phil then caught him as he crumpled to the floor and quickly proceeded to fish the slimy pills out of their unconscious companion's mouth.

"You see," Jenny panted as they dragged Dan back to his room, "this is why we can't give up."

"I know," Phil sighed. "I could never give up on him. Next stop Anaheim."

A/N: Hello lovely reader!

Today was a good hair day. As I'm sure you've experienced, these days tend to be few and far between, so I thought I would let you all share in my delight! Or hate me for it... that's an option too.

Is it just me, or don't good hair days always come when you were just going to stay inside and do homework all day? Like, it would be nicer if you could save up all your good hair days for special occasions on which you know you will be seeing lots of people. Oh, what a cruel world we live in!

So, in the reviews, people keep asking when I'll get on with the "Phan" part of my phanfiction parody... Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Um, well, you see... *ahem* I don't really... um *ahem* well... *ahem* idon'treallyshipphan *ahem*

O_o

There! I said it! I don't really ship phan. Well, I do, but not in the way you're thinking. I like the idea of them being in a relationship... but (unless they themselves make it otherwise) a platonic relationship. Now, I don't mind reading romantic Phan stories (obviously, considering the source material of this parody). I'm just not going to be writing one anytime soon.

I'm not trying to be all holier than thou; I'm just not that big on writing romance at all.

Regardless of Dan and Phil's actual relationship, (which ONLY Dan and Phil know) I hate the idea that platonic relationships are somehow not as good as or less important than romantic ones. You can "like-like" people without loving them, and you can love people without "like-liking" them. You don't need to be sleeping with someone for your relationship with him or her to matter.

*climbs down off soapbox*

...

...

...Is anyone still here? Can we still be friends? Did I just commit the cardinal internet sin of insulting your OTP?

Well, this has been awkward... Perhaps a word from Shakespeare can rectify this situation!

"(Thou hast) a plentiful lack of wit!" ~ William Shakespeare, Hamlet.

Best wishes! (even if you hate me now)

~Bethany