Chapter 25
Jack lay quiet in the dark, Sam wrapped securely in his arms. He wanted to sleep, but it just wasn't coming. Instead he stared blindly at the shifting shadows created by the moonlight filtering through the clouds, leaves and curtains. On an unconscious level, his brain evaluated the constantly moving patterns and deemed them friendly, while his conscious mind wrestled with Sam's sudden desire to transfer to Groom Lake. Her reasons were sound and Jack respected them, but truth told, he was immensely relieved and that relief had him feeling guilty.
Jack knew, perhaps better than anyone, that Carter could handle herself. He knew she was more than capable of leading her team through the Gate and that she deserved the command position of the SGC's premier off-world team. She'd more than earned it. In the 8 years since she'd walked into that briefing room and challenged him to arm wrestle, she had grown from Soldier/Science Geek into a true leader - a leader capable of surrendering the Science Geek to the Soldier and bringing her team home against all odds. Jack was inordinately proud of her. Proud that his influence had created such a fine example of an Officer.
When he had become a General and put in charge of the SGC, Jack had wrestled with himself. His pride and confidence had warred with his overwhelming fear of her stepping through the Gate without him. He had never let her see what it cost him each time SG-1 went out without him. Jack had never doubted Carter's ability or right to lead and knew she deserved no less than the outward showing of his confidence in her. And Carter needed his confidence in her like she needed air to breathe, so Jack had retreated behind the mask he so frequently wore. He worked and perfected the mask, so that even those who knew him best could not penetrate the façade to see the gripping fear beneath.
Everyone knew he worried a bit more over SG-1. It was natural. They had been his for so long and not just to command, but his friends - tried and tested through horrors few could imagine - but Jack's outward concern was always equal for three of them. He never let anyone see his most pressing fear was for her, for the possibility of loosing her. He knew he would never survive her loss. And the guilt of not being there to protect her would have sent him back to the dark and dangerous pit of emptiness that was his life after Charlie died, only this time there would be no return.
In the back of his mind, Jack had worried the fact that SG-1 was effectively disbanding. Teal'c was spending more and more time on Dakara. Teal'c had rebelled against Apophis and joined SG-1 to see the freedom of all Jaffa. Jack could not deny Teal'c's right to lead his people through the sudden and difficult transition from slavery to independence. Earth would need his influence to guide the Jaffa High Council on the difficult road ahead. And Daniel . . . Daniel had been pressing for Atlantis for quite some time and Jack's bag of excuses was near exhausted. He would have to let Daniel go.
And so that left Carter. SG-1 would still have been hers, but she would have had to pick replacements. Individuals from other SG teams would vie for the slots and while not untested, in Jack's mind they would be wanting. He had been able to trust Carter to Teal'c and Daniel and, in turn, them to her, but to trust Carter to others? Jack had so wholly rejected the idea, he had pushed it far away from his conscious mind, completely unwilling to even contemplate the thought. And now, without even realizing it, Sam had effectively removed the cold tendrils of dread that had wrapped themselves around his heart at the very thought of her stepping through the Gate leading another team. Not SG-1. Never SG-1. SG-1 was them: Him, Daniel, T and Carter. Even now, in all their minds, it was still the four of them, even with him staying home and keeping the Gate open.
Jack shifted minutely, unconsciously pulling Sam tighter to his chest. He tucked her head beneath his chin, breathed deeply of her scent and held it for as long as possible. Like a Junkie taking a hit, O'Neill.The thought was wry: sweet with a bitter twist. He loved her - more deeply than he thought possible. O'Neill had loved Carter and Jack had loved the idea of Sam . . . but the reality was a blending of both their personas and the love more profound and powerful than anything he could previously have imagined.
Their acknowledgment of all they'd left in that Room and the initiation of this new relationship had unleashed within Jack a need he had never before experienced. He sometimes felt like he'd been turned inside out, with every nerve ending exposed and raw. Sam was the only balm that soothed the ragged edges. Holding his breath and her scent deep in his lungs helped ease the tension bound deep in his muscles. Jack released his breath in a long, slow, steady stream, feeling his long held anxiety flow out with it.
Sam shifted in his arms. He felt the warm snuffle of her breath against his neck. A shiver raced up his spine and spawned goose flesh along his arms and legs, each hair extended atop its ridged point.
"Tell me," she murmured soft into his neck. It wasn't a question, but it wasn't a demand either. Sam knew Jack would talk in his own time, or not. She waited patiently and snuggled deeper into his embrace.
Long moments passed before Jack shifted so he was on his side facing Sam. He brought his forehead to rest against hers as he tangled their fingers and drew them to rest between their chests. He stroked her fingers with his thumb. Their breath mingled. Jack inhaled deeply and allowed his eyes to lock with hers. Sam's brow flicked toward her hairline - silent encouragement - and a small smile lifted the corners of Jack's mouth.
"I feel guilty." The admission was soft and Jack watched Sam's brow fold downward as she frowned. "I'm relieved that you want to go to 51."
Sam contemplated the revelation and its implications before she spoke. "When you became General and I began leading the Team, I was afraid to go out there without you. I couldn't have done it without Daniel and Teal'c and the knowledge that you were waiting for us."
Jack's brows flew to his hairline. He had not expected to hear his own fears reflect in hers. "I--"
Sam disengaged her fingers and laid one gently across his lips, quieting him and continued, "I know you never doubted me, but I know you were afraid - for all of us. You hide it very well, General, but not from me - not from any of us." Sam gently teased.
Jack's eyes dropped from hers and a wry smile twisted his lips. "I thought I hid it pretty well."
"You did, but we've known you too long, Jack. It was hard to go out there without you, but we did it and by some miracle, we won. I survived going out there without you because I still had Daniel and Teal'c. I don't want to lead another team. SG-1 is us and however unfair, I will never trust myself to anyone the way I trust the three of you. Our lives are changing. We saved the world and now I want to concentrate on . . . other things." With that, Sam slid her fingers through the hair on Jack's chest and stroked the hard muscles under her palm as her lips settled over his.
Long, breathless moments later, Sam slid her lips to Jack's ear and bit gently on the lob before she whispered, "No more guilt, O'Neill. It's my choice and I've made it." That said, Sam licked and nipped at Jack's neck while her fingers sought and found the hard bud of his nipple.
Jack released his guilt along with a deep groan. It had been her decision. Jack lowered his mouth to hers once again, reveling in the taste of her mouth as his tongue thrust along and around, making lazy love to hers. He opened his eyes and gazed down the length of her body. Moonlight pooled silver on her skin, making it glow, pale and pearly. He was desperate to make love to her, but from recent experience neither was terribly good at containing the more vocal expression of their combined passion. Jack's hesitation must have been apparent. Sam pulled back and eyed him quizzically.
Jack ducked his head, momentarily mortified at the flush creeping up his face. He was sure she'd see it, even in the moonlight. "Ahh, we've got a full house and we're not exactly--" Jack reached for a word, "quiet."
Sam chuckled low in her throat, delighted with this new version of Jack as Shy Lover. It wasn't something she'd ever pictured. Sam filed this in her expanding Book of Jack and bent again to his ear, nibbling as her hand drifted lower to stroke Jack's firm belly and play with his navel, swirling her finger in and around the opening. She was rewarded with another long, low groan. "Oh, come on, O'Neill. You're Black Ops. Don't tell me you can't do stealth!"
It was a challenge. Jack's head snapped around, brown eyes locked on blue. A smile broke slowly across his face, his eyes glinting with promise. "Oh, I can do stealth, Carter. Question is: can you?"