On the day of Natalie and Cal's wedding I was still a little tender in the bottom, but I was a feeling much better overall. The house was coming together and I'd been spending much of my time writing thank you notes and recording and taking pictures of all the gifts. The truth is that I didn't want to forget any of the presents and I wanted to make sure to send the right gift to the right person if Ranger ever went through with that divorce.
I walked down the aisle and waited for the rest of the bridesmaids and the Matron of honor to join me. Then Natalie walked down the aisle and Cal had tears running down his face. Let's be real here, Cal may be the most scary to look at but he had the softest heart of all the Rangeman employees. Cal was in love and he was damn mushy about it. Actually my husband, who was standing directly across from me, could use some lessons in that area.
The dress I was wearing was shimmering pink and the other girls wore dresses of the same style in other spring colors. It was a dress we could wear again just as Lula's had been. Both women did a great job of choosing something that could be moved into our regular wardrobe. I loved both dresses.
Natalie arrived and the minister began the ceremony and my eyes drifted from Natalie and Cal to Ranger's. His eyes were on mine and they weren't budging. His eyes were boring into me as though to will me into something. I had no idea what he was trying to communicate to me, but I knew it was important to him. The look on his face was very intense.
Padma passed Cal's ring to the minister and moments later Natalie slid the ring onto Cal's finger. Both of them were crying now and I realized, inexplicably that there were tears running down my face as well. I looked over at Ranger and found his eyes were a little misty too. Why? Was it wishful thinking on his part? Was he wishing we'd had something like this instead of a wedding that was in fact completely forgettable?
I swallowed and took a steadying breath and bowed my head as the minister prayed. I listened to his words and pictures flashed in my mind. There were vague memories of another time, of that time. I could see flashes of our wedding in my head and I knew I was happy. I couldn't hear the words or make out who else was there, but I could see Ranger gazing down at me and smiling. I shook my head and said amen as the minister finished.
Then after a few moments and a long kiss, Natalie and Cal walked back up the aisle and slowly the bridesmaids and groomsmen followed. Ranger and I were the last to go back up the aisle. I walked to the center and put my hand through my husband's arm and smiled slightly up at him. He was still gazing at me intently. He was still willing me to know something. One day I may be able to read his mind as he reads mine, but not yet.
I went straight to Natalie and hugged her tight and told her how beautiful she was, and then I did the same to Cal. That was moments before the entire church full of people descended on them and their reception was beginning. Ranger and I stood in the receiving line. Everyone knew who he was from both the bride's side and the groom's side. He was boss to both of them. And when he introduced me to them, there were always happy smiles. Evidently they knew about me as well, and some of them didn't know me as the bombshell bounty hunter but as Cal or Natalie's friend or Ranger's wife. That was really nice.
After the receiving line was disassembled we found our places and sat down to enjoy our dinner.
"Would you like to dance," Ranger asked me with a smile.
"Sure, but be gentle with me. I can't bunny hop yet," I teased.
"I think we can manage a nice slow scoot around the floor," he said with a smile.
We took to the dance floor with Rob Thomas singling 'Ever the Same'.
Fall on me tell me everything you want me to be Forever with you
Forever with you
Forever in me
Ever the same
Call on me
I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me
Forever it's you
Forever in me
Ever the same
Forever in me
Ever the same(Ever the same)
My arms slid up around his neck and we moved slowly around the floor. That song ended and the next began after a short pause. It was Faithfully by Journey.
Highway run into the midnight sun
Wheels go round and round
You're on my mind
Restless hearts sleep alone tonight
Sending all my love along the wire
They say that the road
ain't no place to start a family
Right down the line it's been you and me
And loving a music man
ain't always what it's supposed to be
Ranger's arms tightened around me briefly and I felt him tense just for a second before he began to move again. His face slid down into my hair and his right hand reached for my left and he slid his fingers over the rings lying there.
Memories flooded my mind. We were walking down to the beach following a judge.
Girl
you stand by me
I'm forever yours
faithfully
Circus life under the big top world
We all need the clowns to make us laugh
Through space and time
Always another show
Wondering where I am lost without you
And being a part ain't easy on this love affair
Two strangers learn to fall in love again
I get the joy of rediscovering you
Ranger's pace slowed and his hand slid up and down my back and his lips pressed into my hair and down to my ear. And the memories continued to slide through my mind like flashes of video or photographs.
"Stephanie I love you. You are my best friend and today I give myself to you in marriage," he said softly. The memory was so vivid that it could have happened ten minutes ago. The look in his eyes said it was real. His emotions were laid out. There was no mask. Was this memory real?
Oh girl
you stand by me
I'm forever yours
faithfully
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
oh oh oh oh oh oh
faithfully
I'm still yours
I'm forever yours
Ever yours
faithfully
I pulled away and looked up at him in confusion. What was real and what was my fantasy. I just stood there in the middle of the dance floor and stared at him for a moment and in his eyes just briefly I saw fear. He was afraid of something. What was he afraid of? Was he afraid of something I'd remember or something I wouldn't?
I swallowed, "excuse me." I pushed gently through the crowd making my way to the ladies room. Once in the stall I sank to the toilet and stared at the door blankly. I'd once said that I didn't want to see the video that Manuel had of my wedding, but now I had a feeling that the video would contain answers to questions I really needed answers to. I just wasn't sure what those answers were.
There was a tap on the stall and Padma's voice followed, "Steph…are you okay?"
"Yes," I said clearing my throat. "I just got a little warm." I got up and opened the stall and came out with a smile.
"You've been through a lot lately," she said gently. "How are you holding up?"
"I'm okay," I assured her. "Didn't Natalie look beautiful?"
"She did," she smiled sweetly and put her hand on her belly. "I on the other hand look like a beached whale."
"No you don't," I assured her. "You look beautiful." I hugged her to me. "I envy you this time Padma. You're happy. You're in love. You're starting your family."
"Steph…you're in the same place, aren't you?"
I force a smile over the threatening tears. "Sure…but first kittens and puppies."
"Ranger and his commitment issues," she rolled her eyes.
"Right," I smiled. "I better get back to him or he'll start worrying."
"Okay," she smiled and hugged me before entering a stall.
I left her in the bathroom and returned to the dance floor. Ranger was on the edge waiting for me. He offered me his hand and pulled me back to the center again as Journey once again came from the speakers. This time it was Open Arms.
Lying beside you, here in the dark
Feeling your heart beat with mine
Softly you whisper, you're so sincere
How could our live be so blind
We sailed on together
We drifted apart
And here you are by my side
So now I come to you, with open arms Living without you, living alone But now that you've come back
Nothing to hide, believe what I say
So here I am with open arms
Hoping you'll see what your love means to me
Open arms
This empty house seems so cold
Wanting to hold you, wanting you near
How much I wanted you home
Turned night into day
I need you to stay
I knew the tears were running down my face and there was nothing I could do but bury my face in his jacket and hope that no one else knew. I could only hope that he wouldn't realize. But who was I really kidding. He always knew. He knew everything I thought and everything I felt. He knew me inside and out. He knew my soul.
He sighed and rubbed my back gently. "What do you want to do?"
"Run," I whispered.
"Let's go," he said seriously.
"I can't," I shook my head.
"Babe…"
"I can't. I owe them this much," I said seriously. "This is their day. I won't make it about me. There are enough days that are about me."
"What days are about you?"
"The days I'm in the hospital or being blown up or…"
He sighed and shook his head and wiped my cheeks gently with his sleeve. "You're one of the least selfish people I've ever met in my life. They would understand."
"They can understand some other time," I said quietly.
He nodded. "What's your second choice?"
"We keep dancing," I said seriously.
And we did. We danced until I hurt too much do dance anymore and then we went back to our seats and chatted amiably with our table mates about the wedding and the flowers and the cake and how beautiful the bride was. We acted like grownups.
Then we threw birdseed and Natalie and Cal after Ranger helped decorate their escape vehicle with cans and plenty of safe sprays that would just wash off. We waved them off as Ranger's arm slid around my waist pulling me gently against his body. There was no way that anyone looking on would have even considered that we might not be intending to stay married to each other. There was no way that anyone would have given it a second thought. But I saw Mitch on the other side of the parking lot watching us with a speculative look. He knew. He knew that we were performing. He knew. I wondered how our acting was.
After the wedding we headed back to the house. I was tired. Ranger was probably even tired. It had been a long day.
We stopped and picked up the mail and there was a manila envelope on the top from Cayman from Manuel. I could tell the envelope contained a disk of some kind and I was pretty sure what was contained on the disk. The envelope was addressed to me.
We went into the house and I headed up the stairs to change. I kicked my shoes off and slid out of the confining panty hose and pulled my dress over my head. I took a quick shower and pulled on a nightgown. I dropped carefully to the bed and picked up the envelope and turned it over and over in my hands. I wasn't sure that I wanted to see what was on that disk. I wasn't sure if it would break my heart in more ways than one.
Ranger came into the bedroom with his tie hanging on his collar and his jacket over his shoulder. "Okay Babe?"
"Um-hmm," I nodded.
"Aren't you going to open that," he asked with a raised brow and went into the closet to strip.
"I don't know," I said honestly and dropped to my back on the bed with the envelope in my outstretched hand.
"Why," he asked exiting the closet naked.
"I'm just not sure it's a good idea."
"Who's it from," he asked.
"Manuel," I whispered.
He stilled at the bathroom door. "Babe…" His voice was hoarse.
"Yea," I closed my eyes.
"Nothing," he said and went into the bathroom with his head down.
I lay there for a while with the envelope in my hand and then put it in the drawer of my nightstand and climbed between the sheets with tears welling in my eyes.
When Ranger returned to the bedroom I was still lying there staring up at the ceiling. He crossed immediately to the bed and sat down on the side of it. "Babe…"
"Umm," I swallowed.
"If I ask you not to look at it, will you please…" He stopped and struggled for a moment trying and failing miserably to get his blank face on, "will you please not look at it."
I opened my eyes to see him looking at me and there was no mask. There was fear. I frowned. "Why?"
"Babe," he groaned.
"There has to be a reason Ranger. I know why I'm faltering. Why are you faltering?"
"It's complicated."
"What's complicated about it? It's supposed to be the video of our drunken wedding on the beach."
"I know," he whispered.
"What are you afraid I'll see?"
"It's not…" He stopped talking and got up and paced the room before dropping beside me on the big bed.
"It's not what?"
"I don't know," he whispered.
"That's clear as mud," I nodded quietly.
"I'm just asking you…please…"
"I just wish I understood your motivation."
"I just…I don't want you to look at it."
I swallowed gazing up at his pain and fear, "all right…for now."
"All right," he whispered.
"All right," I repeated.
He nodded and leaned over to press his lips to mine gently.
My fingers slid into his damp hair and I sighed in his kiss and it deepened. We made love slowly touching every inch of each other caressing and tasting. There was no desperation even though the need was definitely there. He was careful with me. And when he was inside me, he moved slowly each stroke was tender as his kiss pushing me up slowly to the highest I'd ever been.
I thought once that only Brian had ever made love to me, but now that wasn't true any longer. Ranger made love to me. He loved me as though he cherished me and each moment we had together.
I lay there in the warm circle of his arms for a long time after that. What could be on the video that he didn't want me to see that much? More than that, why wasn't I brave enough to watch it either? It scared him…that disk. It scared him what I'd see. There was part of me that knew I couldn't avoid it forever. I'd need to see it. I'd need to find out exactly where we were. I'd need to know what he was hiding. For now though, I was content feeling that he loved and cherished me. For now…that was enough.