Chapter 25- Changes
You get home and find Neela on your couch eating pizza.
"Hey there! Are you hungry?", she says, gesturing at the box.
You sit next to her, accept a slice "You bet…".
While you gorge yourself with pepperoni pizza, you can't stop thinking about what happened earlier. The look of hurt in her eyes is something you're trying very hard to forget.
Now, she probably thinks she doesn't mean anything to you. You wish you could tell her that it's exactly the opposite.
Neela dragged you to one of Ray's concerts, full of drunk teens. You fought hard against your drink cravings and spent the night thinking about not thinking about a certain someone. And then one of Ray's band mates started to chat you up, and you wanted to prove to yourself that you could do this.
And perched on a single's bed, you had the most depressing and meaningless sex of your life. And afterwards, she was still in your head.
But maybe it's better if she hates you. Then, she'll get over you quicker.
"You could have dinner with me…", that stubborn med student insists.
"Look Jake, for the last time: I'm not going anywhere with you!".
"Why not? We work well as a team, I thought I would be nice to know each other better".
"You're a med student", you declare sceptically.
"And so what? You were a med student as well, not so long ago!", he smiles.
You shake your head incredulously at this guy. The thing is, he's smart and you like that. But he's so young and…
"Are you still stuck on her?", he asks out of the blue.
"What?".
He looks at you for a moment "I mean, you do know that everybody knows… right?".
You sigh. "I don't want to talk about it".
"Look Abby, I like you. But all I'm asking is to have a drink with you. Just that".
"We'll see…", you answer before leaving him in the lounge smiling like a fool.
On your cigarette break, you go to the ambulance bay and watch the paramedics washing the ambulances.
Pratt shoots hoops with Carter.
You notice that Morales, one of the paramedics, seems very entertained looking at you and sharing jokes with his friends.
Hey gorgeous, I bet you miss having a real man!
Is he really talking to you like that?!
Morales, watch your mouth! You hear Carter warning him. The jerk backs off.
Carter walks in your direction "Are you ok?", he asks quietly.
"I'm fine… thank you for…", you trail off.
He sits next to you "Ignore him, he's a prick…When are you going to quit?", he says, pointing at your cigarette.
"Old habits die hard…", you answer, dragging in the last puff.
"She misses you", he says after a moment of silence.
"I know…", you answer, gazing at the dark sky above you.
When you arrive for rounds, Pratt makes you run the board. You look at him, surprised, but he just smirks "R2s run the board…".
You go through all the cases and it doesn't go too bad. You notice her blonde head when all the others go see their respective patients.
"How does it feels to hang out with the big boys?", Susan smiles, while signing some charts.
"It's strange, that internship seemed endless… Now I'm nervous and excited at the same time…".
"You'll make a good doctor", she responds, quietly.
A few months have passed and the wounds now seem healed. You talk to each other, not like you used too, but at least you're not at each other's throats. Above all, you have to work together.
You're still not completely comfortable when Jake approaches you when she's around. You ended up having that drink with him and now you're more or less dating. You can't say you're in love with him, but maybe because he's younger, he's so free of trouble and so full of optimism that it's impossible not to like him.
He reminds you of her, in a weird sort of way.
And it's good to have someone at nights. Though, sometimes when you're having sex, you can't stop your head wandering away and you end up thinking about Susan. It's not that sex with Jake isn't satisfying, he's young, has stamina, but it's just not the same
With her, you had butterflies in your stomach every time she kissed you and fireworks everywhere else when she touched you.
You broke up with her because you wanted to be normal. But now a very specific part of you longs for that wildness.
"He's cute, isn't he?", you overhear Chuny chatting with Chen.
"And he's a great guy, we went out the four of us, the other day…" Jing-Mei stops when she sees you.
"Have you met Susan's boyfriend?", Chuny chirps in, obviously expecting a reaction from you.
"Can't say I have", you say while rummaging through your locker. You didn't even know she was seeing someone. You can't help feeling a little tingle of jealousy but you're glad she's moving on with her life.
When Chuny goes check on a patient, you can't resist asking Chen "So, that guy she's seeing… anyone I know?".
"No. They met in her yoga class… Are you ok with that?", she asks cautiously.
"Sure, why wouldn't I be?", you say before leaving.
You're not surprised she's seeing someone. Why wouldn't she? She's so amazing and charming and funny and clever… And when she leans to listen to a patient's chest, the way she frowns her left brow and purses her lips just a little is so… She notices you looking and gives you a little smile. You don't know why but you blush and grab the first chart you find on the counter.
And when you can't find Curtain Area 2, you realize she still makes you nervous.
And that night you go to Jake's place where you kiss and undress him more forcefully than ever.
"Whoa, I like this side of you…", he chuckles when you push him roughly to the mattress and straddle him.
"Shut up and fuck me", you order, willing to drown those persistent thoughts.
"I didn't know you were on tonight", you say when you see Susan in the lounge.
"Carter's down with the flu…", she shrugs while making some new coffee.
Jake comes though the door, throwing his arms around you "I'm out of here, babe!" he says before kissing you. You break the kiss quickly, not comfortable with the audience.
"Call me tomorrow, okay, princess?" he smiles. You just wish he kept those silly pet names to when you're alone.
You watch him leave and accept the mug Susan's handing to you.
"Love is in the air", she remarks somewhat sarcastically.
You decide to turn the tables "What about you and that yoga-guy?".
She looks startled at you, then shakes her head "This place is unbelievable…". She takes a sip and confides "We've been together for a couple of months…".
"That long?", you ask, surprised.
"Look Abby, I didn't say anything because…".
You stop her "No, no… I understand. I mean, it's been a while since we had a proper conversation. And I certainly don't blame you for hating me and…".
She interrupts you "I don't hate you, I never did…", those piercing green eyes staring at you.
After a while, she continues "In fact, I think we should be friends again…".
You smile at her with all your teeth "I'd love that".
Her apartment looks a little different. You felt somewhat nostalgic when you noticed she doesn't have the picture of you two in her living room anymore. You don't see any pictures of that guy she's seeing, either.
The animosity is all gone and, God, it's so good to be around her! You watch TV and you have so much fun together.
"I missed this…", you admit.
"Me too", she says and you both ignore the television for a few long seconds.
Sometimes you think she still has feelings for you. The way she sometimes looks at you.
But you know her, she wouldn't be seeing yoga-guy if she didn't feel anything for him.
Sometimes you have this urge to taste her lips again, but you think better against it. You're not going to screw everything up again.
She deserves to be happy.
It's just unfortunate that it's not going to be with you.