Nothing is like it was

Turn my grief to grace

Nothing comes easily

Where do I begin?

Nothing can bring me peace

I've lost everything

I just want to feel your embrace

-Kate Havnevik "Grace"

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Edward's eyes peered at me, muddled and slightly confused, tinged red around the usual butterscotch color he had when we were together. My heart was banging in my chest, and I was unsure of what to say, but wanted to say so much.

I could feel the crowding of everyone behind me, and it made me nervous. It was too hard to fathom that Edward – always so careful with me – could not be trusted to stay sane. He was perched by the window as if he were unsure about staying there. Jake's hand was still wound with mine, though he was behind me, and I knew the Cullen's were right outside the door.

"I need to get closer," I said. I didn't really want to let go of Jake, and I could tell he didn't want to let go of me, but if I was to maybe have any sort of effect on him I couldn't have everyone surrounding me.

Jake stayed by the door by sheer force of will, allowing me to venture a little further into the room. Alice was in one corner, Jasper in the other, and Emmett hovered nearby as well. I could feel the worry, the hope; all the unspoken feelings and the pressure to try and help him remember what happened. It was overwhelming to think so many powerful, supernatural beings were relying on me.

His eyes were still fixed on mine, his eyebrows drawing together. "Why… why are you all in here?" he asked quietly. His tone was very uncertain.

Alice's voice was gentle. "Edward, someone you knew very well from before has come to visit you, someone you were in love with and who loved you."

"I was in love with her?" he asked.

I heard a soft sound from Jake, and I was already reaching back for his hand. My fingers found his and gave a soft squeeze. I needed him to understand, and I felt some reassurance when he squeezed back.

"Yes," Alice was continuing. "She wants to try and help you; to see if she can help you remember."

Edward tilted his head, absorbing this information. Suddenly, he was in front of me, but so were Alice, Emmett, and Jasper. Jake was already by my side. Edward shrank back, his features twisted a little in fear.

"Remember what we told you, Edward?" Jasper asked calmly, but with an authoritative tone.

"I'm a vampire. I already knew that," he said staring at his family.

"Yes, but you must have been fed human blood – or fed off them yourself – so you have to be extra careful to move slowly around humans and not get too close," Jasper added.

Jake's arm was shaking against mine, and I leaned against him, weariness threatening to take over. The fear and grief was a constant pressure, and I battled with it to remain calm.

Edward cocked his head to the side, listening to Jasper's words, seemingly absorbing them. "She's human," he stated. "I can hear her heartbeat; it's fast and I can hear the blood pumping." I would have been thoroughly freaked out if I wasn't seeing his expression. His eyes weren't changing with thirst, just curiosity.

"Don't you remember me, Edward?" I whispered plaintively.

He frowned, looking child-like in his struggle to remember. "No," he mumbled. "You seem familiar in some way, but ultimately… no."

The collective breath everyone had been holding escaped. They all looked so defeated, but I sucked in a deep breath. "If I seem familiar in some way, that's good, right? I mean there's a possibility of regaining some memory, I would think."

"I suppose that's possible," Carlisle said rubbing a hand over his face. "I guess time will tell. Maybe certain places or things will help; we haven't really tried much else."

"Can… can I have a minute alone with him?" I asked hesitantly.

They all protested, but my main concern was Jacob. Our eyes met while the Cullen's debated the wisdom of that. I begged him to understand - to realize this wasn't a traitorous move - and that I just wanted to get a feel of how Edward felt without so many feelings and voices in the room.

"I love you," I mouthed at him.

He smiled a little, though he looked pretty weary, too. "I love you, too," he mouthed back.

It took some convincing, but Edward was calm, so when they finally agreed to go in the hall, to wait nearby, I took a deep breath. Suddenly, I was alone with Edward. He was standing by the window, looking out at the forest.

"You used to run through the forest with me on your back because I was just too slow. I was clumsy, even more than a regular human normally is."

He gazed out the window, then back at me. "I wish I could remember. I'm trying, but all I can see is papery-white skin and blood; lots of blood."

I swallowed hard as he gazed at me. He moved a little closer. "They told me to be careful, so I will be," he promised as he moved deliberately slow. He lifted a lock of my hair, breathing deep, as I tried to relax.

"You smell good," he told me. I heard movement outside the door and knew everyone was paying attention and ready to come in if need be.

I rested my hand on Edward's and met his eyes. We just stared at each other, until he finally broke the silence.

"Will you help me?" he asked his voice again almost child-like. I swallowed hard and nodded my assent.

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JPOV

Standing outside Edward's bedroom door, surrounded by the rest of the Cullen's, while Bella was inside with him, had me struggling not to flip out. I didn't want to be near them anymore; I needed to breathe, and I needed Bella away from them. I gave a small sigh when I heard Edward ask for her help. I knew she wouldn't be able to resist that, and I even felt a small stab of sympathy myself.

It was miniscule, though.

Bella finally came out of the bedroom and it was all I could do not to grab her and pull her far away. As it was, Carlisle looked like he had more to say. In the living room, I perched on the sofa furthest away from the Cullen's, anchoring Bella against me. Alice looked like she wanted to hang on to Bella again for dear life, but I refused to give her up.

"He doesn't remember me," Bella stated the obvious, staring down at her folded hands.

Everyone was quiet. "I know you and Edward had the meadow, and I suppose even your old bedroom at your father's house, could help trigger something," Carlisle finally said.

I felt my body begin vibrating again. It seemed to escape everyone's notice that Bella and I were more than friends and the references to her past relationship were pushing my pissed-off meter even higher. It was probably due to my damn insecurities, but it would be nice if they could recognize that, but I suppose it didn't really surprise me. They were damn leeches after all.

"Would you be okay with that, Jake, if Bella chose to do this?" Alice asked.

I knew she wasn't a mind-reader like Edward, and her visions didn't include me or my pack brothers', so I was surprised she picked up on just what was bothering me. Her pixie face was turned toward me, but her face was a blank. She was the one who relayed to Bella that it was okay to move on – with me if she chose – but this was her "brother" after all.

"If it's what Bella truly wants," I said my voice cool. "I don't want her pressured into this by your desperation to make him better; she's affected by this as well and I don't want to see her hurt again by this."

Bella nodded, leaning against my arm. "I do want to help." The pain on her face had eased after she left Edward's room, but I could still see it in her eyes.

"We haven't discussed the Volturi yet," the blonde male said changing the subject.

"We have no idea why they went after Edward like this. There are a lot of unanswered questions," Esme put in still looking as if she could cry.

"Are you going after them?" I asked. Goddamn vampire world with their freakish governing body.

"No. I think they're going to come after us," Alice murmured.

I froze for a second, and then I was up off the couch, furious but nsure of what I planned to do. The big one – Emmett I thought - jumped up as well and we nearly collided. There was quite a bit of chaos as he flexed and his eyes sparked, and I could feel the uncontrollable snarling in my chest as I prepared to phase and lunge at him.

Bella's pale hand on my chest stopped me and the blonde pulled Emmett back, though her teeth were bared at me.

"How dare you come back here?" I yelled. "You're bringing these stinking leeches you call royalty to Forks! Not only does that put Bella in danger, but it threatens my home and the people I'm sworn to protect."

"I don't know what else to do," Carlisle said in a pained voice. "We don't have an advantage in Volterra, and we put people in danger regardless if we lead them somewhere else. We would have more of a chance at home – with a place we were familiar with - and I plan on asking the Denali coven to help us and whoever else we can find willing."

"I'm not asking you to do this, but it would be an advantage to have the pack working with us." He didn't look comfortable saying this, but it was what everyone was thinking.

I felt a well of emotions bubble up. How could I take Bella and flee the area leaving my father, Charlie, my brothers' and my people in danger? If they came here, we would fight and lives might be lost. I knew deep down this wasn't easy for the Cullen's, but my fury with them was just too strong.

"I'll talk to Sam," I said as calmly as I could. My throat felt rubbed raw, and I wanted to be alone with Bella so badly.

Alice said as gently as she could, "I'm sorry, Jacob. We all truly are sorry. We aren't perfect, but we honestly are trying to get through this with the least amount of lives lost on both sides. If it helps, my vision of rescuing Edward came from one of the leaders of the Volturi. Aro. I don't know yet, but it's possible he might be trying to help us. That's a very good thing."

I nodded, not trusting myself to speak anymore. I knew she was trying to help, and she was the only one I felt I could say something to and have her understand somewhat. It was really the weirdest thing and just added to the crappiness of this day.

"If I get a vision, I'll be in touch," she added.

"We'll be staying in La Push," Bella replied quietly.

To their credit, they didn't react too much to that. Alice flung her arms around Bella, holding on to her tightly. I shifted feet, uncomfortable and ready to go, as Bella held her back just as tightly. After she hugged each in turn – even that bitch Rosalie – she slid into the car and I was pulling out of the long driveway.

My breathing eased as I began to drive away, though the smell of them was wafting off of Bella. I tried not to wrinkle my nose, but she smelled awful. We were both quiet, but then she murmured, "Are we going to your dad's or to Sue's? I'm not sure where we're staying."

"I would like to see my dad," I said. "We'll ask your dad and Sue once we get there to pick up Tinker. She's there with him anyway, and we can find out if that's okay."

We got back to Charlie's house where I listened to her responding quietly to what were Charlie's thousand questions about what had happened. She couldn't give much away, so she just told him she was tired and would talk to him tomorrow.

"Bells, I'm serious. I need to know what's going on, if we have to worry," he told her.

"Edward needs time to recuperate," she said lamely. "He's the one who knows what happened, and he doesn't remember."

Charlie brushed her hair back, worry lining his face. "Are you sure you're okay?"

She just hugged him, and I felt conflicting emotions. I was afraid to ask her that question because I didn't know how she was feeling about Edward. She was obviously afraid, upset by what happened to him, but to dig down into the nitty-gritty was not something I was looking forward to.

Sue hugged us both again and said, "I meant to tell you earlier, but I expected you both would stay at my place again. Is that okay?"

"Perfect," I assured her. "We wanted to make sure that was okay with you."

After we said our goodbyes, we picked up Tinker and headed back to La Push. "Do you want to come in and see Billy or just go to Sue's?"

"I'd like to see him," she said. "I probably won't stay long, but you should spend some time alone with him."

I didn't want to leave her alone, but I had a feeling she needed a little alone time first. She confirmed that.

"I just need a little bit of time alone, and then I just want to spend some time with you."

So, we went in to see Billy. The little red-brick house was exactly the same as it always was, but it still felt different. The cracked and dilapidated steps were still the same – though I vowed to fix that tomorrow for him. He used that ramp we had installed, but I had neglected too much.

He reached his arms out to me, and I leaned down to give him a hug. He turned to Bella, and with a small smile, she did the same.

"Are you okay?" he asked her, his dark eyes intent on her face.

"I don't know," she answered. "I'm not sure how to feel. It was really difficult."

She cast her eyes downward, but Billy reached out and tilted her chin up, giving her a small smile that was still slightly lopsided. "You know we're all here for you, Bella."

It was such a simple statement, the kind of thing my dad would normally say to someone he loves, and it brought tears to her eyes. "Thank you," she said squeezing his hand.

We talked about his therapy and how his speech had really improved with our working together on it, his diet and how he sometimes missed having something fried and greasy, and he had a good time watching Tinker bounce around the house. I knew Bella was ready to leave, so I told her to take the car and go right to Sue's. I wanted to follow her to make sure she was okay, but I also knew I had to let her take care of herself. I did tell her to text me when she was there, even if it was a whole five-minute drive to Sue's house.

Once she left, Billy turned to me. "How is she really?"

Tinker jumped into my lap and curled into a little ball. Absently, I stroked her fur as I said, "Not that great. She's being as strong as she can, but I can see how much it's hurting her to see the result of what's happened. Edward seems so lost; it rattled me as well to see him like that."

Billy eyed me shrewdly. "So what don't you want to tell me?"

I frowned at him, annoyed that he could be so perceptive when it came to his kids. "Look, there isn't a lot of information about it yet…"

"Jacob, I know you. Something is bothering you, and it's apparently serious."

It bubbled out before I could stop it. "The leech royalty might come to Forks because the Cullen's took Edward back. They came back here, to Forks, where they're putting the lives of the pack, my family, and our people at serious risk. I can't lose Bella, I can't lose my brothers' and my sisters', and I can not lose you." My voice had risen in anger.

"Jake," he sighed, looking shocked and then weary. "Don't worry about me. You need to talk to Sam and do what you can to protect the reservation and the people of Forks."

"How can I not worry about you?" I snapped. "I left here, leaving you behind where you had a stroke, and I wasn't here to stop it! I didn't protect you." Freaked out at the emotion slamming into me, I realized I had bottled up too much after my dad's stroke.

Tears were actually threatening, and I swallowed them back. "I will do whatever it takes to protect everyone I can, but I won't lose you. You will do what I say to stay safe." It was more an order than a question.

He stared at me. "Jacob Black, I am your father, not the other way around. I'm also chief of this tribe. I know what I have to do to protect myself. And I won't allow you to blame yourself for my stroke." His voice softened. "I'm an adult, and I made the choice to eat whatever I wanted, and not take care of myself. Yes, the wheelchair hinders me in that respect, but there are things I can do and didn't. It is not up to you, son."

That was the most I had heard him speak since the stroke.

"I have always been proud of you, and I didn't like having to lean on you so much and turn you into an adult before you were ready, but I know you did it without thinking twice or regretting it."

I was overwhelmed at his declarations and at the idea of what could happen and reined it in. Fear would just cripple me, and I wouldn't back down from this fight if it came. I would protect everyone I loved.

"You need some rest," he said. I glanced up at him, steeled myself, and nodded. "I'm here to help you just as your brothers' are, and apparently the Cullen's, as well. We need each other to lean on; it's what will give us the edge if it comes to this. Let's not jump the gun just yet, though, okay? Go to Bella."

I hugged him a little harder and longer than I had before. Closing my eyes, I felt like a kid again briefly, as he patted me on the back. I picked up Tinker and hurried back to Bella.

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BPOV

I sat at the little table in Sue's kitchen in the dark. I could hear the ticking of the clock, and the hum of the refrigerator. Edward's red-rimmed, butterscotch eyes kept swimming in my mind. How could he be so lost to his family and to me? I couldn't begin to imagine what happened to make him like this.

My thoughts were a jumbled mess as I thought of the possibility of the Volturi coming here. It was a terrifying thought; one I knew was possible even before everything happened with Edward. I had been told that I had to become a vampire because I found out about them. At the time it hadn't seemed like a big deal. I had wanted to die and be with Edward in a body frozen in time. Now I wasn't so sure anymore and with the possibility of them coming here, I was afraid that might come to light.

I was scared for Jake and Charlie, Billy, for the pack and their girlfriend's, and for all the innocent people who were friends of ours. I had fear for the Cullen's, too, especially after what happened with Edward. They couldn't take him again, they just couldn't. I closed my eyes, leaning my forehead on the cool wood of the table.

The only thing that kept me partially sane was Jake. He had always been solid; a rock to cling to in the most tenuous circumstances. I knew he needed me, too. He was angry, and he would never back away from a fight if it meant keeping me and others he loved safe, but I couldn't lose him.

I dragged myself away from the table, slipped into the bathroom to shower and brush my teeth. Exhaustion was setting in, and I was hoping Jake would be here soon. I had just changed into a set of pajama pants and tank top and had pulled down the handmade green, brown, and yellow quilt on the bed when I heard the front door open.

"It's me," Jake announced. I was glad he did because I was feeling extra jumpy tonight.

I appreciated his restraint in following me here to make sure I arrived safely, but I was so glad he was here now. I felt safer. "I'm going to take a quick shower," he said.

I got into bed, curling into a ball on my side, tired but not sure if I would be able to sleep. The glow of the moon slid in through the crack in the curtains, and I shivered, reaching over to twitch them fully closed. Fear was beginning to take over, and I was glad when Jake came into the bedroom. Once he slid into bed, I curled into his familiar warmth.

"You're shaking," he said quietly. His arms tightened around me as I pressed my cheek to his chest.

It was better than sobbing out my grief and fear and upsetting him with it. The Volturi had been terrifying when I went to save Edward, but knowing they were even more evil than anyone had anticipated, was so much worse. There was so much more to lose, and I wasn't sure I could bear that.

Every time I closed my eyes, Edward's eyes haunted me, his pleading voice asking for my help cut me deeply. Interwoven were images of losing Jacob in the fight or Charlie or one of my friends. I clung a little more tightly to him; it was unbearable and Jake was the only one who could calm me down.

"Just hold me," I whispered. "Tell me something, sing, just please distract me."

His arms tightened until I felt as if I could burrow into him. He wasn't much of a singer, but he hummed quietly, a soft deep-throated sound that reminded me of a lullaby. As the soft hum of his voice surrounded me, I took what comfort he could offer me. It was still hard to fall asleep right away, but I did finally manage it as I relaxed to the sound of his voice.

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AN: Out of curiosity, what do you think of the understanding, and as of right now, the-almost-but-not-quite-possibility of a friendship?

I couldn't find anything specifically Quileute for lullabies, so the one I'm thinking of is the Oglala Sioux by Jerry Garrett on the album "Under the Green Corn Moon." It's all lullabies of different Native American tribes. Very beautiful!