A/N: So I haven't written in a while and I'm truly sorry. My poor story has been seriously neglected. But college isn't as peachy as they make it seem. I am a Journalism student and this year our entire focus is on writing the paper so you constantly have to be worry about getting news story ideas. And by the time that I'm done writing those stories I forget all about this one. But I am going to try my hardest to get this story back into a consistent flow. Thanks for being patient. :D

I rolled over and blinked at the sunlight that was streaming through the windows. Someone had come in and opened the blinds. I sighed with frustration, threw back the covers and slammed the blinds closed. I jumped back into the bed and noticed that Lucan was gone. He had been leaving me a lot these days. He got tired of listening to my sobs and woes so he would disappear off into the forest to hunt small animals.

I buried my face in the pillow unable to cry. The room smelt awful. It was stale and musty. It needed fresh sheets and a cool summer breeze but I could not get out of bed. It was just too hard. Every time I looked at myself in the mirror I saw a sad lonely girl who had lost her one true love. I pulled the blankets up over my head and told myself to sleep. But even in my dreams he was there. His smile, his blue eyes and even his strong tanned hands.

As I tossed to the other side I heard the sound of the door creaking open. I frowned at the thought of being bothered.

"Go away!" I snapped without even looking up from the blankets. "I don't want any food. I don't want to go outside. And I don't want anyone to make it better! Just leave me in peace."

"Oh Susanna." Her voice was sweet like honey and it was what made my heart beat with happiness. I threw back the sheets and burst into tears, which I shouldn't have had. "Oh my poor girl." Debbie said as she threw her arms around me.

"I-I-He's dead." I sobbed onto her shoulder and she brushed my long, greasy hair back.

"Sh…it's ok." She said and rubbed my back as I sobbed. After a while I stopped crying and sat up.

"Why are you here?"

"The King sent for me." She said smiling sadly. "He told me of your…well he told me and I knew that you wouldn't allow anyone to see you but us. So mother and I fought over who would come and in the end I won." She smiled brightly and I laughed and wiped my dripping nose. She handed me a clean handkerchief and smiled at me.

"I-can't-do-anything." I hiccupped.

"Yes you can. You need to get up. Jesse loved you because you were strong and determined. He didn't love you because you laid around and didn't wash for months."

"It hasn't been months." I said wiping my eyes.

"Well it's been almost a month. You look like you've turned into a scrawny twelve year old again." She teased and brushed the hair from my face.

"How do you do it?" I asked, feeling tears in my eyes again. Her eyes teared too for the children she had lost and she shrugged.

"You just realize that there is so much more life left. Dwelling on the dead makes you die too and people need you." She smiled and wiped a tear from my cheek. "They rely on you. I know I have three tiny people at home who can't wait to see their favourite aunt."

"I'm their only aunt." I said.

"Not for long. Bradley has brought home a woman for us to meet."

"Gina?"

"No. She…no." Her smile fell and her face was sad. "You know how your father is. He would never allow it."

"He's ashamed of his son."

"His ashamed of the bastard." Debbie said with a sigh. "Lets not talk about it." She pushed back the blinds again and I blinked against the light. "Come you need a bath."

"No. I cant." I whined, reminding myself of Samuel after he would play in the mud.

"You need to get clean or you'll start attracting the flies." She said smiling. She rummaged through my wardrobe and pulled out a white dress with yellow flowers stitched into it.

"Its too soon for white." I said tossing back the covers.

"Well you don't have anything black." She said as she pushed things aside. "There's this?" She pulled out a white and black dress. The dress was white satin with large black stripes on it. It had black sleeves and a long black train.

"Do you think we can dye it?"

"Susanna, you cannot ruin a beautiful dress like this. It is offense to the King and to the dress." She said admiring it. I shook my head at her.

"You realize the love of my life died right? What should I care who I offend?"

"Because you still have so much life ahead of you."

"What's the point when he's not going to be there to share it with me?" I yelled and threw myself back onto the pillows. Her hands were on my shoulders and she coaxed me up into a sitting position.

"Suze, he will be there. Every step you take he'll be right beside you. On you're wedding day, when you birth your first son, when you cry because he has scraped his knee and wants you to fix it. Jesse will watch over you for the rest of your life and wait for you in Heaven." She said. It all sounded wonderful when she talked like that. I shook my head and looked at the dress.

"There's a black hat in there that I will wear with this." She smiled at me and shook her head.

"If you're going to mourn you might as well do it with style." She said fetching the hat. She tossed it on my bed beside the dress and pulled me from the tangled sheets. She pulled me down the hallway to the bathing room and I was met with hot steam.

"Arms up." She said, as if I were one of her children and I did as she said. She led me to the large ceramic tub in the middle of the white room and helped me step into the hot water. I cringed at first but the warmth was welcoming to my stiff muscles. I laid down in the tub and dipped my head into the warm water. When I resurfaced Debbie poured soap onto my head and started to scrub my hair. Mary took a brush and scrubbed down my body while another maid tending to my nails and face.

Within the hour I was clean. My hair was up in a neat but and the small lace veil of the hat covered my face. Debbie, who wore a pale blue dress that was borrowed from the tailor, held my arm every step of the way until we reached the garden. Lucan came running up to me when he saw me and licked my hands excitedly. He had been chasing the birds that were eating the corn in the field. Debbie led me out to the stable and I saw Lea running circles in the small pen where the other horses were running. Men were standing in front watching her, but I walked right past them, without Debbie's help and went to the fence.

Lea walked right up to me and nuzzled me excitedly. She knew that I always carried treats but today I had forgotten.

"Oh my darling. I'm sorry." I said as I kissed her nose.

"Here try this." Adam said standing beside me and giving me the ripe apple that he had been eating. I nodded and gave it to my horse. She neighed happily and trotted off to join the others.

"How are you feeling?" He asked. He was dressed as a commoner, ready for mucking the stalls. I felt like I was the King and he the common girl.

"Debbie has forced me into daylight." I sighed and he smirked looking back at my sister.

"She's a wonderful woman. We have missed you around here. Especially the chef. Lucan keeps getting under his feet when he's cooking and he only listens to you." Adam laughed.

"I'm sorry. I just…" I didn't finish my sentence and by his face I knew that he understood.

"It took me a week to tell you. It was hard for all of us." I nodded and we fell silent. This had been such a promising vacation.

"I hope I have not ruined the summer for you." I said studying my horse.

"No, those blasted Frenchmen have. They took my best friend. They killed my people and are planning on attacking my country." He shook his head. "I'm sorry. But sometimes it makes me so angry."

"But why did you start this war?"

"Because they went back on their word."

"How so?"

"It's a long story." He sighed and I touched his shoulder.

"I've been asleep for a long time. I have all the time in the world."

"About a year ago it was arranged that I would marry the King's oldest daughter. He has three you see, and no sons. So it was agreed that I would marry his oldest daughter and together we would rule both England and France and that way the throne wouldn't pass over to the King's greedy younger brother. But 4 months ago it was discovered that the girl had secretly wed a young pageboy during the night and our agreement was lost. The King tried to force his other daughters on me but they were children. Girls of 14 and 12. I wasn't about to stoop so low." He snarled as he talked and I shook my head. "The only option was to show that I was angry with them and that meant war. But now we are fleeing and it looks as if I am a horrible King for sending men off to war over a stupid marriage."

"It's not stupid. You were betrayed. You have to show them that you are not soft. That they cannot do things like that to you." I turned to him and touched his arms. "You are the King of England and everyone loves you. Show them how great you are." I said and he smiled and kissed my fingers.

"Why couldn't you be a rich princess with a million men who would fight for me?" He asked and I smiled and then the idea came to me.

"But we have men. Many men." I said and he blinked at me.

"Susanna, I don't think you understand."

"No they may not be men of status or men who have been trained in the art of swordplay but they are brave men who know when they must fight. Offer large rewards to any man who is willing to fight. Promise animals and land to those who have naught." He studied my face and a smile burst onto his face.

"Why couldn't you have been a man?" He asked next and I laughed.

"Because then your love for me would be illegal." I said and he laughed.

"Don't not leave me ever!" He laughed and I shook my head.

"From the state of those covered chairs I would guess that we are leaving on the morrow." I said with a sad smile.

"It is true. The summer is at an end. But I promise I will see you soon."

"Not too soon. I've had enough of you for a while." I laughed as he swung my arm through his and we walked towards the house.

I flew at my closets; tossing everything I had into trunks and having my maids refold them. These days I found anything I could to make life difficult for him. He sprung this surprise trip the vacation house on me and expected me to drop everything. What a man! He would give me the same excuse, "but darling it's Christmas time. It's lovely there. We'll be a real family again." Only he would stay in town until Christmas day, watch everyone open presents and leave. Oh how I hated that man. I wish I had never laid eyes on him. If I had one day that I could take back it would have been 17 years ago.

The snow was falling softly outside and the children were dying to go out and play. Debbie had told them that she would take them out after she finished plucking the turkey but they would not wait.

"I'll take them out to play." I said putting on a pair of woolen mittens on my hands. "I haven't been to see Lea in days anyways." I gave each child a sugar cube and we put on our warmest coats before heading out into the fresh snow. Samuel screamed a warrior's cry and ran into a snow bank. Aggie rolled her eyes and lifted her tongue to the sky.

"Snowman?" Nathaniel asked as he tugged onto my hand.

"We'll see." I said.

"The snow isn't right for it Nate." Aggie said picking up a pile of snow and trying to make a snowball. "It's not frozen enough." She tossed it into the air and Nathaniel giggled at the extra snow. We tossed tuffs of snow at each other as we walked down the hill towards the barn. It was dirtier down here because the men were always heading out to town or using the wagons for work.

"Aggie, let's have a race." Samuel said with a mischievous twinkle in his eye.

"Alright Sam." She said smiling back.

"No cheating," I said catching both of them by their coats. "Ready, Set, GO!" I shouted and Nathaniel jumped up and down as the two children raced to the barn together. They were getting faster every day. Aggie was a little bit faster due to her longer legs but Sam was growing fast and soon he would be taller than her. Another sign that she was not his true sister.

Nathaniel and I slowly raced each other down the hill and he screamed as I picked him up and ran down the hill with him in my arms.

"Whoa there." David said as he came out of the house. "You almost knocked me over kid." He said rubbing Nathaniel's blonde curls. My baby brother was now officially a man. He was taller than me, had a deep voice and a small cluster of red hairs on his chin. My brother's would tease him about it but I loved it. It gave him character.

"Uncle Dave, we're going to give Lea this." Sam said showing the tiny little white square in his hand.

"Wow. Hey can I go with you?" he asked then turned to me. "There's a visitor for you." He smiled at me and I rolled my eyes. I didn't need to see the magnificent black stallion being led into the barn to know whom it was.

"How long has he been here for?"

"About 10 minutes. He's in there talking to father and Jacob." David said smiling again. He took Nathaniel from my arms and chased the kids into the barn. I watched them run off, squealing at the thought of being caught and laughed before I went into the house.

"Absolutely," my father said. "It would be my honour."

"What would be your honour?" I said unbuttoning my coat and slipping off the gloves.

"Susanna!" They all jumped and Adam smiled at me. I raised my eyebrows and Adam shrugged.

"I asked if I could attend your Christmas dinner." He said.

"Don't you have a fancy ball to go to?"

"No one will notice if I am missing." He said, even though we all knew that he was the main attraction. "Besides next year I'll throw a huge feast no one will remember the year I didn't show up."

"But wont your family miss you?" I asked as I poured the hot tea, sitting on the table, into an empty mug.

"I'm getting the strange feeling that you don't want me at your Christmas dinner Susanna." He said.

"Well it would be the first time you were right." I said with a playful smirk and sat beside the fire. My father gave me a stern look and Jacob shook his head, as they did every time I talked to Adam in a less than formal way. "I mean of course Your Grace. We would love for you to attend our small, simple Christmas feast." I said bowing my head and then taking a sip from my tea.

I loved that feeling of being cold from an afternoon in the snow, and then having your stomach warmed by a hot cup of tea or soup. I sighed and stuck my legs out in front of me to warm them by the fire. I was wearing my black winter gown, specially made since I was still in mourning but I had accompanied them with bright red stockings, which I knew Jesse wouldn't have had a problem with. They kept my feet warm and made me smile when I saw them. Of course father would scold me with a cough and Jacob would do something to distract Adam's attention away from my shameful ways. But to me this made me laugh and Adam always seemed to find the amusement in these situations.

Since the end of that horrible summer Adam had visited us a lot more than I had ever imagined would happen. He would come by at least once a week and one time he stayed over for three whole days before deciding that it was better to ride back to the castle and make an appearance. Since that summer he had changed.

Every plan Adam has concocted for the war had fallen through and now thousands of homes were starving and men were being slaughtered from left to right. Not only had Adam lost his best friend but he had also lost his spirit, his country and about 25 lbs. He was very thin, always looked tired and he tended to zone out and not pay attention to things that were going on around him.

"So what are you cooking for dinner tonight?" Adam asked as he sat in the rocking chair by the fire. I looked up at him and raised my eyebrows.

"If we're lucky she wont have touched anything." Jacob teased and ducked as I through a small piece of wood at his head.

"Susanna, please." Father scolded. "Once again your highness I'm sorry for her childish behaviour." He said shooting me a look.

"No, no. It's quite all right. I grew up with no siblings so seeing siblings interact with each other always fascinates me."

"Yes well. My daughter should remember that even if His Royal Highness were not here she shouldn't throw things that could harm someone else."

"Besides its our last piece of wood." Jacob smirked and father sighed with defeat.

"Well then you better go and cut some." I said to Jacob and when my father was not looking I stuck out my tongue. He smiled and tossed the chunk of wood back and it landed in the fire. We burst out laughing and Adam smiled politely.

"Don't you have something to do that is productive Susanna?" My father grumbled as he put on his coat.

"You want me to work while I have a guest?" I pretended to be shocked. "Father are we forgetting our manners?"

"Listen Miss…" He started but Adam cut him off.

"Its alright Susanna. Show me what to do and I'll help out." We all stared at him like he had just sprouted an extra head.

"I'm sorry but pardon?" I let out a laugh.

"I would like to help out in whatever way I can." He said and looked sincere about it.

"Well…" I looked around the house and met Jacobs's shocked expression. "Debbie might need help with the vegetables. We're eating in their here tonight so we might have to clean up a little." I said looking at the old hay on the ground.

"The boys are going to lay out the fresh hay and get the table set up. You just worry about the food." Father said as he opened the door and headed out to the barn.

"As a good woman should." I grumbled and Adam smirked.

"Self-pity is not a good look for you Susie." He said as I wrapped a scarf around my neck and buttoned up my coat.

"Yes well…Depression is not exactly your best colour." It slipped and I instantly bit my tongue. I took a deep breath and turned to him. "Adam I'm sorry I didn't mean to…"

"It's alright." He said with a sad smile. "I expected at least one person to point out the fact that I had to get my entire wardrobe replaced with smaller clothes." He buttoned up his coat, which was also made of black wool with bright silver buttons.

"It's not that noticeable." I lied. "I think I noticed because you're always here. " I pushed open the door and we walked out into the falling snow.

"It's harder than I ever thought it would be." He said with a sigh.

"What is?"

"Being a King." He shook his head and frowned. "I can't eat because I know that so many mothers are starving just so their babes can eat. I can't sleep because I'm haunted by the ghosts of the men that I sent off to war. I can't smile for I fear that I am betraying my only friend who know lies in a frozen grave in France." He sighed and I felt tears in my eyes. We were silent for a second as we walked up the hill.

"He's not your only friend." I said linking my arm through his. He looked down at me with tired brown eyes and smiled.

"Yes thankfully. I think that is why I seek out your company every day. You are the closest thing to him that I have and I can't seem to part with it." He smiled and looked up at Jacob's house on the hill.

"Well my family loves having you here. So you can come and visit any day." I said and he smiled again. He broke apart from me and walked towards a tiny tree that the children had hung decorations they had made from pieces of wood that would not burn and various pinecones. "All this sadness though, it must be hard for your system. You need to have a little more fun." I said bending down and picking up a mitten full of snow. His shoulders were heavy and I could tell he was frowning, but since his back was to me I could not see his face.

"It's hard to have fun when so much is not funny." He said. I paused for a moment and then pounced. I lifted the back of his shirt and through the snow down it. He shouted at the instant cold and squirmed away from me. His face was beat red and I couldn't help but smile. I burst into laughter and bent over. Without even realizing it he retaliated by doing the same thing to my and my back instantly convulsed to get away from the cold.

It was his turn to laugh this time and he stared at me with a challenge in his eyes. I pouted and picked up a pile of snow and attempted to throw it at him. But because the snow was too fluffy and he was too far away the attempt was a fail. It went everywhere and anywhere but on him and he only burst out laughing more. He picked up his own pile and threw it so hard that it hit me square in the face. I gasped and shrieked and ran at him with my own pile of snow. He turned to avoid getting hit with snow and I jumped onto his face and shoved the snow in his face. He grunted and gasped as I rubbed my mitten all over his face. He jumped backwards and landed in the snow with me still clinging to his back. He rolled over and I pushed snow onto his face again. He grabbed my coat and pulled me towards him and started burying me in the snow. I shrieked as the snow started seeping into my clothes. I grabbed onto his hands tightly and he struggled with me for a second but stopped.

This was when I became aware of how close he was. His head was inches above mine and it had changed in a matter of 10 minutes. His eyes were bright and his cheeks were pink. He studied my face as if he were going to forget it. Then slowly he leaned down and pressed his lips to mine. As if they had never been apart our lips instantly picked up from the last kiss. It was gently and steady then heated and rough. It was full of lust and passion and desire. It made my stomach turn, my head go light and my body go numb. But then there is that moment when something has to be said. And he said it. The big something that I never wanted to hear.

"Marry me." He whispered against his lips. It took my three long seconds to realize what he said and when I did I instantly stopped kissing him.

"What?"

"Marry me." He said again and pulled his head away from mine to look down at me.

"I cant-I don't-What!" I pushed him off of me and sat in the snow.

"Susanna, don't freak out." He sighed picking up a pile of snow and letting in fall through his gloved hands.

"You ask me to marry you and then expect me to remain calm? You know how hard it has been for me to lose Jesse. I still love him, in fact I'll always love him."

"I know."

"If you know then how dare you put me in a position where I have to remember it all and hurts us all that much more." I said standing to my feet and feeling my face go red with embarrassment and anger.

"Susanna, you are my best friend." He said before I could storm off. I paused and stared at him. "I know that you love Jesse, that I will never be him. But I am not getting any younger and you are the only one that I can even stand to have in my presence." He said sadly still sitting in the snow. I sighed and plopped down on the snow beside him.

"There are tons of young girls out there who are willing to marry you. Hell there's tons of old women how are willing to marry you." I said wrapping my arm through his and grabbing hold of his hand.

"Yes but there are none that are willing to marry me for being myself. They love me for my money or my beauty, not for my humour or charm."

"You're head is going to pop soon." I teased and he smiled at me. "You are the only one who knows me, who tolerates me, who has stuck with me through this tough time." I looked down at my mittens and sighed.

"I know I'll never be Jesse. I'll never fill the void just like you can never offer me the same companionship that he did. But at least I want to try and fill the void halfway, so it doesn't hurt so much." He said and I sighed.

"Adam. I know it hurts but it will get better." I smiled slightly. "I just…can't." He watched my face for a second and sighed.

"At least think about it." He said and flicked snow into my face. "It could be a lot of fun." He stood up without waiting for my answer and held out his hands for me. I shook my head and grabbed onto them and together we laughed as we walked up the hill.