Bit of a shorter chapter, but I've also done a little drawing for the story that someone suggested. You can see it at . If anybody would like to PM me their own art based on this story, I will happily post it on my blog and share the link here. I'm pretty excited about this chapter, so I hope you enjoy it. Thanks for the reviews as always, they're fantastic motivators. And thanks for reading!
Daryl couldn't sleep.
He didn't know long he had simply laid there, staring at the ceiling, trying to convince himself that the strange feeling of 'wrongness' that hung in the air was not because of Lilly. Nighttime ticked by painfully slowly. The silence, lacking in the sound of soft breathing nearby, mocked him. He was half tempted to go try and sleep in the living room where much of the group slept, but his pride wouldn't let him. Besides, Hershel had been insistent on Daryl keeping the bed for tonight, certain that him and Lilly were the ones who needed the most sleep. It was a pity that neither of them were getting any.
Daryl didn't doubt that Lilly was awake too. If she'd managed to fall asleep, he would have heard her screaming by now, plagued with the nightmares that always came. He wasn't sure what he would do if that did happen - going to wake her like he used to would have felt wrong, though leaving her to be woken by someone else felt even worse.
Stupid girl. Why did she have to complicate everything?
It was still hard for Daryl to wrap his head around the events of the day. More specifically, the events surrounding Lilly. He hadn't ever dreamed that she would be so bold, that she would confess such vulnerable feelings to him and then try to…
Of course Daryl had thought about what it would be like to kiss Lilly. He'd thought about it on multiple occasions - particularly after Blackforest Retreat. But he never imagined that it would actually happen. He wasn't the type to do something so reckless, and he'd thought Lilly wasn't the type to initiate something like that either.
It had been a knee-jerk reaction, both figuratively and literally pushing her away as soon as she'd tried to come closer. It was simply an instinct, born out of years of abuse and pain. Daryl rarely felt wanted, and never had he had someone who seemed to want him so much. It was terrifying.
As the thing Lilly was saying had begun to connect, Daryl's automatic emotional response was that of fear. Words that had come from a hallucinated Merle's mouth had echoed in his mind.
"You don't think I haven't seen a dozen of these broads just like her? Lookin' at some fella like he's the king of the world and feeding off him like a leech? She'll move on when she's had her fill, little brother. Just like they all do… She's weak, Daryl. She's usin' you. And sometime soon she's gonna go down with the rest of the world. Purtty little catches like Lilly here never last… How many times do I have to say it, little brother? The girl's temporary. She's not gonna last. Somethin's gonna come along and take her from you. Walker's gonna eat her up, some lunatic's gonna stick a bullet in her pretty little head. Or maybe she'll leave all on her own - realize she's wastin' her time with the likes of you and scamper on outta here…"
Fear of rejection. Fear of grief. Fear of loss. They'd bounced around Daryl's skull like ricocheting bullets the moment he'd realized what Lilly was trying to do. He'd already let so many walls down for her, had allowed her farther in than anyone else had managed to come, had risked so much, and she hadn't been satisfied. Lilly wanted to get even closer, like a small child poking fate with a stick. She didn't understand that it was only a matter of time before they lost one another, that the closer she came the more pain there was going to be in the end.
That was the real problem, Daryl realized. Everything ended. He couldn't grasp the concept of something not ending horribly. After his mother died, after his father turned into a drunk monster, after he realized he was the scum of society, after the walkers showed up, after Merle left, after Sophia, after the farm went up in flames… Daryl had always known one thing for certain: Nothing ever lasted.
Now here was Lilly, with her innocent wide-eyed stare, brimming with the naive belief that there was still hope for the world, that there was hope for her and Daryl. It made Daryl sick. How could she not see how easily something bad would happen? Daryl saw it all as bright as day - a walker sinking its teeth into her neck, a bullet lodging itself in her brain, a sickness draining her of life, a man better than him charming her away, a seed of doubt prompting her to abandon him. However it happened, Lilly would disappear and the pain would be unbearable. It would break him.
The truth of the matter was Daryl had pushed Lilly away because he didn't want to lose her. It was stupid logic, now that he thought about it. This way, he was going to lose her no matter what, and it hurt incredibly. Perhaps it would be better to take the risk, to follow Lilly's example and make the most of now. Who knew? Maybe they had a chance and wouldn't have to lose each other at all.
That is, if Daryl hadn't botched it all up already. He'd humiliated Lilly today, yelling at her like that. He'd acted ridiculously. After today, would Lilly even take him back?
There was only one way to find out.
….
Lilly had eventually given up on even pretending she was going to be able to sleep. With a sigh of frustration, she got out of bed and wandered over to the window, pulling the curtain aside a little. It was eerily dark outside. The blizzard raged on, dark clouds blocking out any moonlight, snow swirling through the air and making it hard to see much of anything. All Lilly could really make out was a dim shade of white.
This felt too much like her attic. Walls all around her, no view of the outside world, suffocating darkness and a sense of oblivion. Lilly once lived in that feeling. Now it antagonized her.
The faintest sound of growling floated to Lilly's ears, so distant she thought she'd imagined it at first. A few moments later, her dark-adjusted eyes picked out a patch of shadow in the snow, moving at an achingly slow place. With enough focus, she could hear an occasional snarl. A walker.
Lilly watched the walker move at a snail's pace through the blizzard for a long time, hungry for the distraction. She had to give the mindless creature some credit - the fact that it was able to move through the thick white at all was somewhat admirable. It was with a little disappointment that she watched the walker eventually stumble to the ground and quickly get buried in snow.
The thought of walkers hiding under feet of white powder sent shivers up Lilly's spine. She'd have to remember that when the group started traveling again. It'd be horrendous if someone were to unknowingly step on a reanimated corpse and get bitten.
"Had a feelin' you wouldn't be asleep."
Lilly gasped loudly and jumped, whirling around with her hands at her chest. A tall figure stood near the bedroom door, lurking in the shadows. Daryl.
Taking a deep breath to calm her racing heart, Lilly closed her eyes and ran a hand through her hair. "You scared me."
"Sorry," Daryl replied with a little shrug. She could practically feel the wry smirk pulling at his mouth.
For a moment, Lilly had forgotten the things that had happened that day, and almost smiled at him. It didn't take long for the memories to return, however, and with a sinking heart she stiffened and turned away. She tried to focus her attention on sliding the curtain shut, but she could feel Daryl's gaze burning a hole in the back of her head.
Once the curtain was drawn, Lilly fidgeted with the sleeves of her sweatshirt uncomfortably. With tense muscles, she reluctantly turned back to face Daryl, though her eyes flickered between him and the floor as she struggled to look at him. It was painfully silent.
Something hung thick in the air, though Lilly didn't know what it was. She could sense a heavy energy about Daryl, brimming with suspense, and it was driving her crazy. What was he doing here? The hunter's presence was sending waves of anxiety, embarrassment, and anger through Lilly's chest. Anger was the easiest to handle, so she focussed on that.
Voice soaked in bitterness, Lilly spoke. "What do you want?"
Daryl took a long time to answer. He swallowed, doing his best not to fidget under Lilly's heated gaze. He could sense that the longer he stood there, the more frustration she felt. Spit it out, already, he scolded himself. "I'm sorry."
This caught Lilly off guard, even though a part of her knew that there couldn't be another reason for Daryl's midnight visit. She blinked and grit her teeth, trying to contain any form of reaction. Lilly wasn't sure how to respond just yet.
Raising her chin a little, she forced herself to keep her glare on Daryl's face. He'd really hurt her today, and she wasn't going to let him off easily. "You pushed me."
"I shouldn't have done that," Daryl started to agree. "There's no excuse -"
"And you made me feel like crap," Lilly continued.
Daryl ducked his head in shame. "I know."
"I put myself out there for you today, Daryl Dixon," Lilly hissed softly, taking a few steps forward. "I completely opened up, and you threw me out like a piece of trash."
"I'm sorry," he told her again.
"And you shouldn't have given me your jacket," Lilly found herself adding.
Daryl had been prepared to offer another apology, but paused with a frown. "What?"
"When we got stuck in the blizzard" Lilly elaborated, crossing her arms over her chest. She hadn't planned on bringing this up, but now that is was out she might as well have her say on the matter. "I woke up to find you unconscious at my feet with the jacket nearby. When I managed to wake you up, you said you'd been trying to keep me warm."
Daryl blinked in confusion. "What's wrong with me keeping you alive?"
"It almost got you killed," Lilly told him firmly. "It's why you're hypothermia got so bad, why it took you four days to wake up, because you forgot to take care of yourself."
This made Daryl angry. There were things he was willing to apologize for, but this was not one of them. "I was saving your life," he snapped, "again."
"Well it was a stupid move," Lilly retorted.
Ungrateful little… Daryl stiffened, stepping forward with a glint in his eye. "Well you're one to talk," he growled. "Almost breaking your neck for a squirrel, skipping on up to Cain's men and practically begging them to have their way with ya'."
Lilly's eyes widened. He did not just go there. Now, she was positively livid. "We are not talking about that again," she snarled.
"Why not?" Daryl spat. "You think you're allowed to get all twisted up over a stupid jacket and I can't be upset that you tried to take on a group of rapists by yourself? That's not how this works, princess."
"Then tell me how it works," Lilly held her hands up in exasperation. "Please, tell me. Because it seems like we keep running into this problem."
"Quit puttin' yourself in danger and there wouldn't be a problem," Daryl shot back.
Lilly let out a laugh that was anything but amused. "We're in the apocalypse, Daryl! We're always gonna be in danger!"
"Keep your voice down," Daryl shushed her, reminding her of the people sleeping on the other side of the door. Lilly scowled, but quieted herself. "If I hadn't given you that jacket, you would have died," Daryl whispered angrily. "You should be thanking me."
"Only when you thank me for coming back for you at Blackforest Retreat," Lilly hissed right back.
Daryl resisted the urge to punch the wall, turning to pace the length of the room. "I'm not gonna - agh - I came here to apologize to you, not have another fight!"
"You're not getting it, Daryl," Lilly violently batted a lock of hair out of her face. "I was scared. I was scared Cain was going to shoot you. In the blizzard, I was scared you'd freeze to death. For two days, I was scared you'd never wake up. Today, I was scared you would reject me and tell me you never wanted to see me again, which is exactly what you did."
"I was scared too!" Daryl blurted out.
The words made Lilly step back in surprise, her lips parting as she gaped at him. Had she heard that right? "What?"
Daryl stopped pacing and took a deep breath. "I was scared too," he admitted again, softer this time.
All of the anger melted away, leaving Lilly standing there with nothing but confusion. "Daryl…" she shook her head softly, "What could you possibly be scared of?"
Daryl took a step towards her, leaning in close as he tried to get through to her. "How many times do I have to try and explain this to you, Lilly?" he whispered furiously. "You do nothin' but scare the living hell out of me. Every day, all I can think about is making sure you survive this stupid apocalypse. And then you have the nerve to go out and get attacked by walkers, and fall out of trees, and get hypothermia, and make a group of rapists think that all they want is to make you suffer. And you're just so breakable, with your skinny little arms and your big green eyes -"
"I'm not made of glass!" Lilly snapped.
"I don't care what you're made of! You could be made of concrete and be able to take down a whole army of walkers and I'd still be worried about you!" Daryl took another step forward, coming closer and closer to her. "Get it through your thick skull, Lilly! I'm scared of losing you!"
Their faces were inches away from each other. Lilly's eyes were as round as saucers, staring into Daryl's blue ones in shock. Daryl fell silent, catching his breath, suddenly exhausted. He didn't open up like that, had never allowed so much to come spilling out.
Lilly didn't know what to say. Of course she knew that Daryl cared about her to some significant degree - after all they'd been through together, she'd have to have been blind to not see that. But she'd never realized just how far Daryl's caring extended. She suddenly understood. Daryl had attached himself to her. It didn't matter if he was angry with her or kept her at arm's length. Whatever happened to Lilly would affect Daryl's life.
That's why he'd reacted the way he did when she'd tried to get closer. He was already overwhelmed with the bond that had formed between them, and it was a moment of absolute terror.
"Daryl," she breathed. "I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm not going anywhere."
"You don't know that," he told her quietly.
"Look at how much we've survived already," she smiled softly. "We're gonna be fine."
"But you don't know that, Lilly," Daryl started to protest.
"You're talking to the girl that spent half a year in an attic because she didn't know what would happen if she went outside," Lilly raised her eyebrows. "Look where I am now."
Daryl's shoulders started to relax, his fists unclenching. He was giving in, albeit reluctantly. Lilly cautiously reached a hand out and brushed her fingers over his knuckles, testing to see if he'd push her back. When nothing happened, she carefully grasped his hand. "I'm scared of losing you too, Daryl. But if there's one thing I've learned from leaving that attic, it's that I can't let 'what if's' rule my life. As long as I have a say in it, we're not going to lose each other. And if something happens, we'll handle it like we always do."
For a moment, Lilly thought Daryl was going to pull away. But then his thumb brushed over her fingers and he said something so quietly, she almost didn't hear it. "Can I try somethin'?"
Lilly's breath hitched in her lungs as she saw the way Daryl was looking at her. She wordlessly nodded, holding her breath as she waited to see what he would do.
Daryl came closer. It was almost awkward the way his face hovered only an inch or two from hers. His eyes flickered all over her face, examining every detail of it. He was nervous. Really nervous. That much was clear.
Lilly waited patiently, her heart pounding, her eyes never leaving Daryl's as she tried to read what he was thinking. The hand she wasn't holding slowly made its way to her face, calloused fingertips brushing across her cheekbones carefully. He cradled the side of her face in his large, warm palm, his other hand tightening around hers. Then Daryl's eyes closed and he kissed her.
It was lighter than a feather, his lips ghosting across hers nervously. A second later, and he was pulling away.
With newfound boldness, Lilly leaned forward on her tiptoes to capture his lips in hers. For a moment, Daryl was frozen in surprise, but as Lilly's lips beckoned him in, he responded with more confidence this time. Lilly moved Daryl's hand that was grasping hers to her waist, tangling her other hand in his hair. Their movements were slow, experimental. Neither of them had done something like this before. They hugged one another closer, unable to get enough now that they both knew how they felt.
Eventually, they had to breath. Both pulled away, their foreheads pressed together as they caught their breath. Lilly couldn't help but smile widely as she drank in the sight of Daryl's eyes. "Apology accepted."
Daryl chuckled lowly. "Whatever, princess." He leaned in and kissed her again.
…
The next morning found Daryl and Lilly cuddled together on the single bed. After a long time of kissing and revelling in the new development of their relationship, both had settled easily into a blissful sleep. Lilly had her head on Daryl's chest, his arms wrapped around her waist, their legs tangled together.
Daryl had been awake for little while now, watching sunlight slowly reach through the curtain and illuminate the room in a pleasant, warm glow. He couldn't believe that it was real. He held Lilly's small figure close, feeling her breath against him as she slept. As always, the nightmares had tried to disturb her peace, but Daryl found that a few whispered words of assurance and a stroke of her hair settled her right back down. Her hair was almost addicting to touch, he had quickly learned. It was silky and soothing, shining various colors of chocolate and caramel.
Eventually, the sunrise brought enough light to coax Lilly awake. She stirred in Daryl's arms, letting out a small moan as she buried her face in his chest. Lilly breathed in the musky scent of leather, a small smile curling at her lips. She could feel Daryl running his fingers through her hair and bit back laugh of relief. Last night had actually happened. Daryl Dixon had kissed her.
Lilly brought her face up and rested her chin on Daryl's chest, looking up at him shyly. "Hey."
"Hey," Daryl smirked. Even with the scar on her head and patches of frostbite blemishing her creamy skin, she looked positively radiant. Her green eyes sparkled with a certain smug blissfulness he'd never seen before.
"Did I even have any nightmares last night?" Lilly pondered out loud. She couldn't remember having to wake up at all.
"A little, but I took care of 'em," Daryl replied, his voice gravelly with sleep.
Lilly gazed at him appraisingly, rewarding him with a rare dimpled grin. "You're wonderful." After a moment of contemplation, she carefully stretched her neck up and planted a quick, shy kiss on Daryl's lips.
She was pulling away far too quickly for Daryl's liking. He sat up, bringing her with him, and cupped her face in his hands, leaning in to kiss her deeply. Lilly let out a content sigh, happy to reciprocate.
When they finally pulled away, Lilly kept her eyes shut and let her forehead rest on Daryl's collar bone. "We should go out and be with the group before someone walks in and sees this."
"Nah," Daryl declined dryly, causing Lilly to chuckle.
"I just don't want to make anyone uncomfortable," she tried to explain.
Daryl pressed his lips to the top of her head. "They're gonna see us both leaving the same room anyway."
"True," Lilly sighed. She was reluctant to have this conversation, afraid to ruin anything, but it needed to be done. She slowly pulled her head up to look Daryl in the eye. "So what are we gonna tell them if they ask?"
Daryl snorted. "We're gonna tell 'em to mind their own business."
"What are we gonna tell ourselves?" Lilly asked quietly, uncertainty thick in her green irises.
Daryl took in her worried, somewhat insecure gaze and brushed a strand of hair out of her face. "You said you're not going anywhere, didn't ya'?" Lilly nodded. Daryl planted a chaste kiss on her lips. "Well neither am I."