Entry 44

Recovered memory

We left Zeltros today. The trip was a success, providing enough profit to support us for at least two weeks. If we can acquire weekly cargo runs we should have no difficulty paying rent and purchasing groceries. This type of life is not as exciting as fighting Sith Lords, but the pay is much better.

I thought this mundane existence would bore Jax, but he appears to be overly occupied with Sacha and the pending birth of his first child. It is Magash that seems restless and unfulfilled by our new occupation.

Once we were in hyperspace and our course set for Myrkr I decided to discuss my observations with my friend. Although Magash was offered the empty cabin that Den and Norro usually occupied, she demurred and opted to stay in her large utility room in the cargo space. It was there I found her after dinner.

She answered my knock on her quarter's door and smiled widely while ushering me inside. "Please come in." She gestured to a chair near her bed. "Sit down." She sat at the edge of her bed and looked at me expectantly. "I thought you might want to talk."

I gave a confused expression as I took a seat. "Really? I didn't realize I was projecting my intentions in any way."

She gave a slight shrug of her shoulders. "You looked concerned since we left Zeltros." She gazed at me intently. "Are you well?"

I chuckled as I gazed at the deck. "To be honest, I thought you were upset about something. When Sacha and Jax are in a playful mood your normally upbeat disposition appears to falter."

Her face turned a dark red as she looked away. "I wasn't aware I was giving that impression." She gazed back looking flustered. "I'm not interested in Jax, if that's what you think. Jealously is not a factor."

I sat back in my chair perplexed. Never did I believe Magash coveted Jax for herself…at least not since he started dating Sacha. "I didn't think that. You simply looked sad."

She heaved a deep sigh and remained silent for such a long pause that I assumed I overstepped some human or Zabrak social boundary by discussing this topic. I stood and motioned toward the door. "I do not wish to pry into a sensitive topic." I took a step toward the exit. "I'm sorry if I offended you in anyway."

"No, stay." She stood and put a hand on my shoulder and guided me back to my seat. "Perhaps I should talk to a friend about this." She sat down on the bed facing me as she drew in a slow, calming breath. "I am thinking about returning to Dathomir."

"What?" I exclaimed in a near panic. I have grown very fond of Magash and I did not like the idea of her leaving. "Why?"

She chewed on her bottom lip while contemplating her answer. "When I see Sacha and Jax together and so much in love I realize I will never have that. I am torn by conflicting emotions. I wish to fit into a society where men and women bond and raise a family, but I have found it impossible to break through my early conditioning. On Dathomir women do not live and raise children with their breeding male." She frowned deeply and she blew out a breath. "I would like to have a daughter one day, but I do not wish to raise her alone. It is best that I return to my clan, have a child there, and raise her among my sisters."

This was all a little overwhelming, but I was especially caught off guard by her reference to only a female child. "What if you have a boy?"

Her face saddened. "If I am on Dathomir, once weaned, a son would be raised in the men's encampment." She gestured toward the front of the ship. "I could not raise a son like Jax and Sacha can. That is not an option in my society."

I was a little confused as to what the problem was. She was a beautiful woman who could easily find a willing male to assist in the conception of a child and she would not be alone—Jax, Sacha, Den, Norro and I would all be there to assist in child rearing duties. "You could have a baby on Myrkr and all of us would help you raise the child," I pointed out the obvious.

She shook her head. "I would always feel like an outsider." She gazed at me with sad eyes. "On most worlds in this galaxy, men and women form lasting bonds. If I stay I will always be confronted with something I cannot have. I have considered the possibility of finding a mate like Sacha has, but I have found it impossible to break free from of my social upbringing. It is better that I return."

"No," I said emphatically as I frantically tried to come up with a rational reason for her to stay. "If you want to overcome your childhood conditioning you can. You can have a life like Sacha and Jax have."

She shook her head, unconvinced. "How?"

I thought about it and an idea came to me. I leaned forward in my chair and stared deeply into her eyes. "Have you ever heard of exposure therapy?"

Her brow furrowed as she contemplated the question. "No, what is it?"

"It is when a person is exposed to an object or situation that gives them discomfort. They are exposed in a way that there is no danger and these exposures increase in duration until the person no longer experiences anxiety."

She looked completely confused. "You wish to expose men to me?"

I laughed as I leaned back in my chair. "That is not exactly what I have in mind, but it is close. Being around men regularly can change your perception of them. Already your contact with Jax has made you want to change your Dathomiri ways. This shows you are receptive to exposure therapy."

"But not in a bonding way," she pointed out. "Friends is one thing, but entering a romantic relationship and becoming a monogamous mate to a man is another thing entirely."

"True," I said with a nod. "But if you are slowly introduced to associating with a male, doing pre-mating rituals such as dancing, dinner…hugging, kissing…maybe you can overcome your aversion to bonding with a male."

Her eyes narrowed. "Where would I find a male for such an experiment?"

My droid brain is obviously still malfunctioning because the next thought that popped into my mind was outlandish. "I'd volunteer to help."

She gave me an incredulous expression. "What?"

I felt a sickening sense of panic settle over me as I fully realized what I had just suggested. "I'm not propositioning you!" I asserted. "The therapy has two main aspects to it. There is imagined exposure, which you can do on your own. You envision yourself in a bonded union with a male. The second part of the therapy is physical exposure. This means the repeated confrontation of situations that cause you distress…but in a way that they are not perceived as inherently dangerous or as objectionable." I put my hand to my chest and gave a weak smile. "You have told me you don't see me as an inferior male, but at the same time, I am an exact duplicate of a functional male and I am sentient. I believe I would make an adequate substitute for a male for this type of therapy."

"No," she whispered hoarsely, full of emotion. "I absolutely won't do that."

The smile slipped from my face as I averted my eyes in embarrassment. Eventually, I gave a slow, dejected nod of my head. "I apologize for making such a suggestion. I'm a droid. I can understand how an organic being might find that type of close interaction with a droid somewhat odious."

"Odious?" she said confused.

"Repugnant, disgusting," I clarified.

Her eyes went wide. "That is not the reason for my objection." She rung her hands nervously as a sad smile tugged at her lips. "I will not do it because I see you as a person. You are a person! I do not wish to toy with your emotions. I will not allow you to perform the function as a mate-substitute so I can one day find a companion on Myrkr to procreate and bond with. You have feelings. I sense them. Why would you wish to put yourself in such an emotionally compromising position? You would gain nothing from the therapy but heartache."

I shook my head. "That's not true. I would gain a better understanding of human nature." I paused for a moment, not sure if I wanted to say exactly what was on my mind. After a moment of hesitation I continued. "Magash, I am sentient. I want the same thing you do. I wish to have a bonded mate. I know I cannot father children, but I would like to form a life-long relationship with someone. My relationship with my friends and their children might be enough for me, but lately I am not sure. I want what Sacha and Jax have also…but to do that I would need to act and behave more human. I would have to win over a woman's heart with her knowing my inability to procreate. She would also have to overcome a innate aversion to forming a romantic bond with a machine, albeit a sentient machine." I needlessly took a deep breath and let it out. It was a human gesture apparently written into my HRD programing. "I'm not asking you to be that woman, I simply wish to practice being a more convincing human. I want to learn how to make a companion happy. This therapy would benefit both of us. We could learn much together, if you are willing."

Her expression was unreadable as I sat nervously awaiting her answer. Finally she responded.

"When do we start?"