Clary twisted a lock of freshly dyed blonde hair around a finger, studying her face in Isabelle's vanity mirror. The bleach didn't completely remove the red pigment from her hair, so it turned out more strawberry blonde than anything. Isabelle said that it'd be back to normal in a month or so, if Clary showered regularly. That was a strange concept, thinking that in a month or so she'd still be here, presumably, with these people, with Jace. A strange concept that even though she was still being hunted by Carlin and the police, she knew she probably wouldn't be dying anytime soon.

Strange. Because with her father, the fear of death was all she knew.

"It suits you" Isabelle said, and Clary could see her dark form move in the mirror's reflection. She was lounging on her bed, fiddling with a sheet of glimmering fabric. She turned and smiled at Clary through the mirror. "Looks hot, Red"

Clary smirked and turned to face the girl, "I don't now if you can call me Red anymore. It won't make much sense now."

"It'll be our inside joke," Isabelle drawled as she sat up, the piece of fabric fluttering to the ground in a brilliant cascade of glitter reflected light. Her dark, almost black, eyes met with Clary's green ones, serious in their inclination. "Red, I've never had a real friend before. I-I hope we can be that, despite our rocky beginning." Clary realized that Isabelle was much like her clothes in that moment; beautiful, languid, bright, but thin. Easy to tear, soft. And Clary didn't think that was entirely a bad thing.

Of course it's a bad thing, to be soft is to be wea-

Clary didn't think it was an entirely bad thing.

Clary braced herself mentally, as the Voice never reacted well to her rebelling. And in the heavy silence of her mind Clary knew she had made a mistake. The Voice was her safety net, the only thing that she could trust to make her feel good and happy and- Clary froze as she made the realization that this was no longer true. Because the Voice wasn't all she had. She had Isabelle.

She had Jace.

Her mind erupted.

The Voice screamed inside her head, a banshee-like sound that shocked her with its intensity. Clary clutched at her ears and dropped to the floor at the sound. And it struck her, as Isabelle rushed over to see what was wrong, that it really was all in her head.

It was a madness, chaos, exploding and bent on torturing her like it had before, when the Voice didn't get it's way. It was a dark part of her that tore her brain to pieces, a scream full of angry words, terrible, horrid things that Clary would never dare to repeat. But it was in her head and she couldn't even get it to stop, she couldn't make it stop, it just kept torturing her, day after day, she just needed it to-

"STOP!" Clary cried out loud, although the sound didn't make a difference to her deaf ears. She could barely feel the hot tears that were streaming down her face, her throat raspy as she sobbed and clutched at her head. She was crazy, she must be completely insane, and she was so fucking tired of not being able to control her own fucking thoughts!

Clary felt a hand on her back, could just hear the sweet voice whispering into her ear. "It's okay, Red, it's okay, you're okay" Isabelle's arm wrapped around her and Clary pressed her head into the other girl's chest. "Listen to my heartbeat, Red, focus on that." And as helpless as she was Clary did exactly that. She laid her head on Isabelle's sternum, tried to count the steady rhythm of her heart. It was real, a reliable thumping that Clary could count on, and it slowly drained out the way the Voice was preying on her insecurities. Or rather, Clary thought as the beat of Izzy's chest ticked beneath her ear, the Voice was the manifestation of her insecurities. It was her fears, birthed from her father's rage, her mother's neglect. The Voice was her, it was Clary, and she could control it. A wash of something in between understanding and exhaustion swept through Clary, silencing the parts of herself still writhing in anger. She could hear her own heavy breaths now, their tempo matching Isabelle's heart as she felt her mind tire. She was tired.

Clary pulled back to look at Isabelle's concerned face, her eyebrows drawn together in worry, a question in the depths of her dark eyes. "I'm sorry" Clary whispered and she felt Isabelle's hand ghost over her cheek.

"Don't be"

Clary smiled with watery eyes. "I wouldn't mind that," her mouths formed the words, "being your friend." And she was suddenly and brilliantly proud of herself. Leaving Valentine had been about making decisions for herself, taking her life into her own hands, but this decision felt like the first true one she'd ever made.

To have a friend.

Yes, that was something to smile about.

Jace stared after Clary as Alec pulled him in the opposite direction, saying something important about Jonathon and Mayrse. But how could he focus on Jonathon or Mayrse when Clary was still so thin, so complicated and torn and broken inside. Jace couldn't understand her, hell, he barely understood himself, so he just watched Isabelle rush her away. That'd be good for her. She should talk to someone other than himself.

Alec pulled Jace into his room and the familiarity of it was a welcomed thing. Jace had felt less than stable the past few days, and Alec's warm beige walls and mahogany accented furniture helped ground him. Alec took a seat on his bed. "Jace, it's such a fucking shitshow. Jonathon is trying to get in contact with Mayrse, Carlin seems farther than ever before, and Max-" Jace turned to Alec at the sudden pause only to find his long time best friend glaring at him. "You weren't listening for any of that, were you."

Jace chuckled, "Something about Jonathon and Carlin?"

Alec shook his head in a 'what am I going to do with you' manner, passed his hands over his face once and stood up with a flourish, "Nevermind, it was just rambling anyways. In summary, Jonathon is still an allusive dickhead, my Mom is avoiding him in I.D.R.I.S, trying to put her responsibilities on me while she's at some other fucking institution, and Max is stuck in the middle of a custody battle and I sort of want to just die. Fuck." Jace frowned at that, stretching a hand towards Alec before Alec swatted it away halfheartedly. "Sorry, I don't actually mean that. I shouldn't have-around you-you know I have a dark sense of humor, although" Alec looked at Jace then, directly in his eyes and Jace was startled by how blue they were. "I appreciate the sentiment"

Jace nodded, cough once to clear the air and took a step back, "How are things with Magnus? Is he still-are you guys still...a thing?"

Alec smiled, a soft, weird gesture that crept onto his lips and pulled the corners up, fishhooks attached to the apples of his cheeks. "Yah," even his voice was soft as he spoke, "Yah we're really good. He's ah, still kinda into the drug business, selling Yin Fen and stuff but... I mean I kill people for a living so what am I supposed to say about it, you know?" Jace nodded and they both took a seat as Alec went on, "I think I really like him Jace." His eyes once again were startlingly blue as they met Jace's. " Like I think he might be...the one? Like I might love him? I don't know 'cause I don't think I've ever felt this way before. Like I haven't ever loved someone and had them love me back like he does and I just-" Alec took a deep breath, a pause, and Jace felt something inside him, the part processing Alec words, simultaneously retreat and perk up. Like it was both intrigued and fearful of what it was hearing.

"You just?" Jace probed.

"I just love the way I feel around him, you know?" Alec continued, speaking without really talking to anyone, his eyes focused on a far off image. "I feel safe, happy, like I want to just be around him and watch him, I don't know, fucking eat or something." He chuckled an amused sort of chuckle, "Yah, I want to just watch him. Because he's so beautiful in everything he does and-and it's not even like a physical thing? It's like, I need him like I need air, and I know he needs me the same way, and it's just amazing. He's just, perfect. Did you know that the sound of his laugh makes me smile now? I think I've been conditioned to feel happy whenever he's happy, because whenever I see him smile all I want to do is smile." Alec looked at Jace, really looked at him, with wonder in those ocean eyes of his. "I think I love him."

'That's great' Jace wanted to say. 'That's amazing and I'm so happy for you'. But the words wouldn't leave his lips, and his cheeks wouldn't fishhook into a smile because holy fuck Clary was his air. She was his muse and he could, he could watch her all day everyday if he had the chance and he wanted to be with her right now, so if she smiled, genuinely in the way only he knew, then he could photograph it, frame it in his mind, save the memory for a rainy day where he could look back on it and smile himself. Except he wouldn't have to look back on it because she'd be right there beside him, bundled on the couch watching movies with a grin as big as the one on his face right now. Because, holy fuck, he felt so many things for her, and he knew that since she'd left him drowning on dry land, and she felt the same way-

Except she didn't, did she?

Feel the same way.

Or else, she wouldn't have left him the way she did, unannounced, without a care. And they never went into this thinking feelings were going to make themselves apparent. She liked him sure, she liked his body just as much as he liked hers. But she'd never...love him.

Who would?

"That's great, Alec" Jace managed to say before his pause breached impolite territory. "I'm so happy for you guys. Make sure to invite me to the wedding."

Alec laughed an embarrassed melody, and then reclined on his bed. "How are things with your girl? What's Izzy calling her, Red?"

Jace forced a chuckle. "Yah, Red. Ah...well they're ah, exactly what they're supposed to be I guess. I mean I-" Jace swallowed and look at his friend. His partner. One of the few people he trusted in this world, and then he sighed in defeat. "To be honest, thing's aren't great. Well, actually they're really really good but it's not great that they are..." Alec propped himself on his elbows, brows furrowed in confusion

"What do you mean?"

"She left. For like a day or two-without notice-kind of out of the blue- and..." Jace swallowed, "and I don't know everything just sort of collapsed. I couldn't think, or eat, or really even sleep unless exhaustion hit. It was kind of like-back then that whole thing that happened a couple years ago and-" Alec cut him off and abruptly sat up.

"Are you okay?! Did she do anything to hurt you because I swear to god-" He started.

"No," Jace sighed. "She had every reason to go and I didn't want to let her go because I didn't want to lose her. And when she left, when I thought I lost her it was like all of my old habits resurfaced. I don't know, it's more of a me thing than a reflection on her."

"Have you told her?"

"What?" Jace looked at his friend, shocked. "Tell her? About the...the anxiety and the..."

"Yeah," Alec's eyes went soft. "Jace you've never cared about a girl for this long. And if she's this important then you should trust her. Maybe she'll trust you too. And if she still does shitty things, leaves you without any reassurance after she's learned about your..."

"Issues?" Jace interjected.

"Limitations." Alec corrected. "Than she doesn't deserve your attention anyways."

"What if-" Jace's voice was quiet, barely a whisper, "What if she doesn't feel the same way back? I don't think I could handle that."

"Well you don't have to tell her how you feel about her if you don't want to. Enjoy her company, enjoy her presence, but make sure you're enjoying it. If your relationship is going to be long-running, no matter how serious it is, she should know about your..." Alec twirled his hand, looking for a proper word again, "triggers. She should be aware about what sets you off. That way you can stay as mentally healthy as possible."

Jace chuckled, feeling relieved and also grateful that his friend was this wise. "Strange that we still have triggers even though we pull them on a daily basis."

Alec laughed and swung off the bed. "Which reminds me, I have a couple new guns that I wanted to show you, maybe even teach Red how to use them. I mean hell, it looks like we're gonna be stuck with her for a long time, and I'd like to make a good impression. Er, second impression. I was kinda a dick before."

"You were."

"Whatever," Alec walked out the door murmuring something about how he couldn't expect to be nice to everyone Jace decided to have sex with. But Clary was much more than sex.

Jace stood as well, and though he nodded all he was thinking of was that goddamned girl's smile. Thinking of losing it.

He'd tell her how he felt, in due time. But he'd enjoy her company before he gave her another reason to leave.

Jace's eyes were dark, dark in a way that made Clary very, very excited. She smiled at him, a sly, slithering thing that quirked at her rosy lips. "Liking the blonde? We almost match now."

Jace chuckled, fingered a strand of her hair when Clary got close enough for him to touch her. They'd met the boys in the dining room after Alec called Izzy, wanting to show them some new guns or something. Clary didn't particularly care because there was Jace, beautiful, breathtaking Jace. "I like the Red better, I'll definitely miss it." Jace said, brushing his hand along her cheek and leaning down for a kiss. His lips brushed her as he spoke. "Although you could make anything sexy, C- Red."

Clary pulled away from their kiss, smirking. "Wow. That one was definitely not as smooth as I expected it to be"

Jace's lips quirked against her own. "I no longer have to woo you with my words, Red"

"Why's that?"

"Because," Jace whispered, his lips catching on hers. "You know my lips are talented in many other ways"

Clary felt a shiver run down her spine, heat rippling in her stomach. His hands, where they fluttered across her hips lit parks across her skin, ghostly imprints of hard grips and wet kisses peppering her thighs. She wanted him, she wanted him so badly she just might combust.

Isabelle interrupted their deep gaze with a groan of exasperation, "Please don't tell me I have to deal with PDA now."

Alec seconded this, his hand landing gently, almost shy, on Clary's arm, "I wanted to show you some new guns, Red. You may be a quick study but if you're going to fight with us you need to be quick, fast, and knowledgeable. And that, my friend, comes with practice."

Clary nodded, confused but definitely not opposed to Alec's new attitude with her. She felt...relieved almost, accepted. She broke away from Jace with a grin stretched across her face. Not because of the guns, and not because of the practice, but because he called her his friend.

She had friends.

The thought almost brought tears to her eyes.

Clary didn't have a moment alone to gather herself, not when Jace was pulling her into the armory to gush about the different mechanics of firearms, or Isabelle tugging her arm to look at the hand-hand combat weapons, and certainly not when Alec started to show her how to take apart and re-equip a certain kind of pistol meant to be hidden as parts inside pockets until use. She could barely take a breath, and though that meant she had less time to think, it also meant she had less time to think. Clary couldn't feel any presence of the Voice, nor any of the overwhelming normal thoughts that the Voice had held at bay. That was a good thing. It had to be. To be quite honest, Clary was living in fear of the Voice retaliating, her mind betraying her and suffocating her again with normal thought.

"-Actually I wanted to talk to you about something before we left for dinner." Alec said, interrupting her inner monologue. Clary snapped back to focus and nodded, turning to check on Jace quickly and seeing he was in an animated discussion with Isabelle. She faced Alec as he continued talking, a serious note to his eyes. "I just don't know when I'll have a moment alone with you again. I- I wanted to firstly say sorry, for how I acted before. I'm not used to Jace keeping girls for long, and I guess I got used to being a dick to them all."

Clary felt a resurgence of jealousy, felt it shine in her eyes, the slight twist of a lip, before she pushed it back down. Jace wasn't owned by her, and though she wanted him to beg for her, more than she'd like to admit, she also wanted him to be independent. She didn't want to possess even the thought of Jace without his consent.

Clary waited for the voice to contradict her, for it to say ' Make him yours and take what you need. Damn the consequences'. But it didn't come.

And so Clary entertained her sneaking suspicion that Jace, in bed at least, loved to be dominated. Conveniently enough, she realized earlier that morning that she really liked being in charge.

"Anyways," Alec continued. "I wanted to just get that out of the way. Jace seems to be serious about this- whatever-it-is you've got going on, and any friend of his is a friend of mine. Secondly, I wanted to say that if you hurt him again, I won't hesitate to hurt you." Clary startled at this, eyes flicking quickly upwards to meet Alec's. His were a churning cerulean blue, dark with the threat of vengeance. "He's not as thick-skinned as he looks, Red, and I just want you to be very careful with how you treat him." Clary blinked, and then thought for a second. Weird, that she was actually thinking before speaking, but this particular situation called for it. She wouldn't ever try to hurt Jace, not again, and if she were his best friend of however many years...well she'd be ripping the throat out of anyone that hurt him too. Even if she wasn't a murderer, she'd think Jace would be worth that and more. So she smiled at Alec, grasping his shoulder.

"I don't intend on hurting Jace, Alec. And if I do, please feel free to rip me to shreds." And that was the truth, because she didn't know what she would do if Jace didn't want her anymore, if he hated her. Right about now, the Voice would be telling her that she didn't need him. She only needed herself. But that was a lie. Because she did need him now. To avenge her mothers death and murder people, yes. But also because she liked him. A friend. Jace was a friend. And that was almost more mind-blowing than the fact that the Voice wasn't making her feel bad for caring, or the fact that she was with 3 people that wanted her around. It felt good. It felt right.

Isabelle lead them to the kitchen, stepping back from the counter as Alec shoved her away, laughing playfully at how awful her cooking was. Instead, Isabelle took a seat at the dining table, Clary across from her with Jace tagging along to sit at the now-blonde's right. "So Red," Isabelle started, pulling apart a biscuit to eat piece by piece. "We've got about a month and a half to teach you some kickass assassin skills before we unleash you on Carlin."

Clary sat a little straighter, "What do you mean a month and a half?"

Jace slung an arm around her shoulders while explaining, " Carlin is supposedly throwing a party in the next month or two. Our boss said to keep a look out on our usual suspects, because if we can get an in to that party we can finally end this goddamned mission."

"How long have you been searching for Carlin?" Clary asked, settling her elbows on the table.

Alec chimed in from a few feet away, "A couple years now, at least. Carlin has always been incredibly allusive. He's never thrown a party before, and I doubt he's going to throw one now when all of his henchmen are dying."

"But wasn't Carlin supposed to be at the other parties you've been to?" Clary inquired. She remembered Carlin coming up quite a few times in brief conversation. In fact, the cloud of blood lust was so thick during those parties that she barely remembered any words said at all.

"Supposedly, but we've never actually...ah...seen him." Jace rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. "You've actually had more luck than any of us, killing those lackies of his. We have quite a few suspects that we assume are attached to Carlin, a few that are actually inside guys. Some of them are from I.D.R.I.S., thee institution that runs the rest of the institutions."

"Really?" Clary wondered. She'd killed two men. Two men attached to Carlin, and attached to her father. The connection sparked a nerve somewhere inside her, but she filed it away as something to ponder when she was alone.

"Our boss throws parties, invites the suspects we're supposed to kill. That's the main way we've been able to track them down. Usually we can never find a way to silently interrogate and kill them, but apparently killing loudly and running away works perfectly fine too." Jace smirked and rubbed a hand over her shoulder. His eyes weren't molten, didn't melt her core or make her nerves tingle. No, they were admiring, adoring almost...and the butterflies in her stomach terrified her so much she looked away.

Alec put a bowl of pasta down on the counter, and Clary let the others dig in. She wasn't that hungry. How could she be when everything seemed so close. The answers she'd been looking for, the questions she didn't even know she needed to ask, felt like they were sitting right in front of her and she couldn't see exactly where to grasp.

A bowl of noodles and sauce was placed in front of her anyways, Jace plopping a fork in the bowl as well. "Eat up," he said, nipping at her earlobe. 'I plan to do some extensive exercising tonight."

Clary waited for the Voice to chime in, to tell her she didn't need food, she needed death, she needed blood on her hands and Jace's skin on hers. But to her relief it didn't come. And so she snorted at the dork that Jace truly was and dug in. They were definitely going to get some exercise tonight, and Clary was going to finally be Clary while they did.

Smut next chapter. It shouldn't take me an actual year to update lmao. (I'm kinda still writing just to finish cause I know I wouldn't have stuck around this long if I were y'all).