EPOV
"Good morning, ma'am. Are you Isabella Swan?"
At first, I was fucking furious with Felix. Why the hell hadn't he called to tell me that there were undercover cops at the fucking door?
"Mama?" Ness squeaked. "Who is it, mama?"
But I couldn't kill Felix at the moment. My anger immediately gave way to my need to take care of Little Bell. I picked Ness up in my arms and walked over to Bella.
I probably should have brought Ness back to the kitchen or upstairs, but there was no way in hell I could leave Bella half naked and alone with two of Philadelphia's fucking finest. Because next on my list of careening emotions was the need to protect her. Too many years on the street left me with a deep-seated mistrust of the Philadelphia police force.
"Excuse me?" Bella asked, hugging her arms around herself.
I wrapped my free arm protectively around her and kissed the top of her head. One of the officers coolly surveyed my bare chest, while the other couldn't seem to get his goddamned eyes off Bella's legs. Fucking dickheads. It wasn't even eight in the morning, what the fuck did they expect?
"Are you Ms. Isabella Swan?" the detective repeated impatiently.
Bella leaned her little body against mine and I held her closer. It was a cold morning and I could feel goose bumps on Bella's skin through her flimsy robe.
"Um, yeah."
"And you are?" I asked.
The cops flashed their badges.
"I'm Detective Crane, and this is Detective Davis, Philadelphia Homicide. Could we come in?"
"Edward?" Bella asked.
"Mama?"
Bella held out her hands and Ness slipped into Bella's waiting arms and clung to her, frightened and probably cold. I glared at Felix over the heads of the officers. He shrugged his shoulders and shook his head. He obviously had no fucking clue what was going on, and I had some serious doubts about why I was paying his ass.
"We should let them in, Edward. Don't you think?"
I stepped backwards. Bella grabbed my hand. The officer's footsteps echoed through the first floor. With each step they took inside Bella's home, I had more of an urge to swing my fist, or to shove them back out the door. Because this morning was about falling asleep and waking up with Bella in my arms. This morning was about starting over, moving fucking forward, getting the fuck over it. About promises made to a little girl to keep her still at dinner. Fuck. Whatever the hell this was, it was not going along with my plans.
I studied the badges of officers Crane and Davis. Philadelphia Homicide.
Fucking cops. Fucking homicide detectives. Homicide.
My next emotion: fucking dread.
I planted my feet on the ground, holding the three of us in place between the front entrance and the living room. I wouldn't be pushed into the house any further. The cops glanced around us, into the living room, observant and uncomfortable. I spotted discarded clothing on the floor. So did Ness.
"Mama, it's your panties," she hissed in Bella's ear, loud enough for everyone present to hear. Everyone looked; I balled my free hand into a fist.
"We're inside. Now, can I ask what you're doing here?"
"You are?" Donovan asked me.
"Fucking tired," was my none too helpful reply.
"Ewoord!" Nessie hissed. "Bad words."
"Excuse me," I added.
"Ms. Swan, we're here about Jacob Black. We have this listed as his residence."
"Jake?" Bella's hand gripped mine with surprising vice-like power. I squeezed her hand back, suddenly feeling like someone was standing on my chest. What had the kid done to ruin my fucking morning?
"You knew Jacob Black, then? He lived here?" Crane asked.
"Uh, until last week," she murmured, looking between the two cops.
"Do you know where he went after that, ma'am?"
"Um, no. I don't."
"Was he upset? Angry? Was he having personal issues or business trouble?"
"Listen, Ms. Swan's not going to answer another question until we know exactly what this is about."
The officers looked at one another, Donovan nodded towards Nessie. Crane shook his head dismissively and shrugged his shoulders.
"Come the fuck out with it, or I'll have to ask you to leave. We have lives to get to."
Crane gave me a casual once-over before turning his attention to Bella. "I'm sorry, ma'am, there's no easy way to say this. Jacob Black is dead. His body was retrieved from the river, yesterday. We have reason to believe there was foul play."
"No."
xXxXx
"No."
"Mama, what -"
"No. No. No."
Big brown eyes looked to me for help.
"Edward?"
"Mama?"
"No."
"Ewoord?"
Smaller eyes asked me a quiet question.
"No."
Her hands held me so tight, but at the same time, she nearly dropped her daughter. Her legs could run for fucking miles and kicked my ass every time, but she could hardly make it to the couch. I wrapped a blanket around her shoulders. Her brown eyes were flat, blank.
The assholes followed us in, because holding Bella and Ness, I wasn't in a position to kick them out. I didn't fucking know if I should.
"Ms. Swan, do you know anyone that would want to harm him?"
"No."
I wasn't sure if Bella was answering their question, or simply still in shock. "Excuse me," I started, but the officers ignored me.
"Can I ask when you saw him last?"
"Tuesday."
The questioning officer looked shocked. "Three days ago, ma'am?"
"Last week. I broke up with him last Tuesday."
Donovan looked at my chest again before he cast a knowing glance in Crane's direction. It took everything I had to sit fucking still.
"Ms. Swan, you were romantically involved with Mr. Black? Last week?"
Crane looked at the fucking panties one more time, for good measure. I began tapping my foot on the ground. Bella shook her head, but didn't elaborate.
"Perhaps we could look through Mr. Black's personal possessions, ma'am? It could be helpful to piece together events, appointments."
"There's nothing here."
"Excuse me?"
"It's all gone. I packed it and put it in storage."
Detective Crane scribbled in his pad, Donovan stared at his hands. And suddenly, too late, I fucking remembered I was a lawyer.
"Did he say where he was going after you broke up with him?" Crane asked, his eyes still on his notebook. I noticed that the page was quickly filling with notes.
"Excuse me detectives, but Ms. Swan has just -"
"No," Bella said, interrupting. It wasn't just her voice that silenced me. Her body had sprung to attention, and she'd finally looked up and pulled herself to the edge of her seat. A small spark was back, and I was relieved at the sign of life inside.
"Where is he now? Where's Jake?"
The cops exchanged another look, Detective Crane shrugged, for fuck's sake.
"Center City, ma'am, with a medical examiner. The body's been taken in for autopsy."
Bella's hand flew over her mouth and she jumped to her feet. The blanket dropped to the couch. She ran across the dining room, into the kitchen, and sounds of her retching filled the sudden silence.
For the first time since I met her, Little Bell cowered and clutched at my waist and hid her face against my chest. I held her head of springy curls in my hand, and tried to figure out what the fuck to do. I didn't want to bring her face to face with her mom losing her shit, but it's not like we could just sit it out and let Bella fucking fall apart on her own.
No way was I leaving Nessie alone with the cops.
"Excuse me."
I chose the kitchen.
Bella was leaning on the countertop, shaking and heaving over the sink. Tears streamed down her face. She didn't look up when we walked in. Her robe had fallen open, but she didn't seem to notice.
"Mama's sick?" Ness whispered in my ear. "I'm scared, Ewoord."
"It's going to be okay, Little Bell." I hugged her and placed her on the ground at my feet.
"No. It's not," came Bella's hoarse reply.
"Mama?" Ness charged at Bella and threw her arms around her mom's thighs. Bella winced, like it hurt.
I walked over slowly, I pushed Bella's hair behind her ears, and I wrapped my arms around her and refastened her robe, letting my arms linger around her waist, hoping my body counted as comfort. These were gestures and touches I'd offered less than an hour ago, but now it felt completely different: desperate and empty.
"Are they gone?" Bella asked, staring at the bile in the sink.
"No."
"Make them go."
I'd be all too fucking happy.
Bella's chest started heaving again. "And take Ness."
"Mama!" Ness grabbed Bella's legs tighter and pressed her cheek against her belly, her eyes scrunched tight. I watched Bella's body go tense, and she held up her hands.
"Take her, Edward. Take her."
"Mama! It okay, mama," Ness anxiously assured her mom.
Bella started crying, breathing hard, big tears rolling down her pale cheeks. "Take her," she breathed, pushing me away, trying to struggle out of my grasp. "Take her, Edward." And her chest started heaving again, and she hung her head over the sink.
"Mama?"
"Come here, Little Bell," I tried.
"I want mama!"
Spit-up splashed in the sink, and the sound of Bella's sick mixed with her sobs.
"Ness," I hissed.
But she held onto her mom with a death grip.
"Take her," Bella cried after she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.
"No," Nessie begged.
And my chest hurt like my heart was being torn in two, and I couldn't piece together Bella's request with Nessie's fear, and it all coalesced in the overwhelming need to fucking deck the two cops in the living room. No fucking doubt they were snooping around like it was their job. Like Bella had any fucking connection with whatever the little goody-two-shoes fucking asshole did to get himself fucking killed.
Holy fuck.
The kid was fucking dead.
That's why Bella was losing her shit in the kitchen sink. That's why I wasn't playing family man and making waffles. That's why all Little Bell could do was cling to her mother. Jake fucking died and ruined my morning, and tore out Bella's guts, and he was lucky he was fucking dead already. The asshole!
Bella's sobs filled the kitchen, and Little Bell collapsed to the ground, sitting on the floor, her arms hanging loose around Bella's ankles.
"Baby, come with me," I tried, kneeling, luring. It worked. Little Bell let go, and she went limp in my embrace. She didn't clasp her arms around my neck, like usual. Instead she slumped, like I'd guess a baby would, and she cried quietly, looking at her mom. Her cheek was warm against my bare chest, but her feet were cold.
"Make them go. Just make them go."
Sure enough the detectives were nosey fuckers. One was studying Bella's pottery, while the other was checking out the shit on the little table by the front door.
"Bella can't talk right now."
"We understand," Donovan murmured kindly, his eyes on Little Bell, collapsed in my arms.
"After all this, you're fu-, I mean, you're absolutely certain?" I hissed.
"He was found with his wallet and a weapon registered in his name. There was, excuse me sir, what was your name?
"Mr. Masen. Edward Masen." Crane scribbled another fucking note.
"Ewoord," Ness mumbled, nuzzling her head against my chest.
"Shh, Little Bell. It'll be okay," I whispered, kissing the top of her head. I was fucking lying, but I didn't know what else to say.
"Mr. Masen, uh, after all the time in the water… A positive I.D. would be helpful." Donovan's eyes moved toward the kitchen door and the sound of Bella sobbing.
"No way in fucking hell. Get someone else to I.D. him. Not Bella. You hear me?"
"His next of kin? Relatives?"
I shook my head. "I don't even know their names. He was from some tiny town out on the Olympic Peninsula in Washington State... Wait, Bella's father knows them. Mr. Swan is the sheriff in Forks, Washington… Get in touch with him, and he'll know how to find the kid's family."
"Here's my card, sir," Donovan offered. "We'll be in touch."
They left me with Little Bell mumbling incoherently in my arms, and Bella mostly naked and vomiting in the kitchen sink.
xXxXx
"Esme, I need you."
xXxXx
As I rocked Little Bell and hummed her mom's song, for the first time in more years than I could count, my fingers oddly itched for my mother's piano. I understood the impulse. Staying present hurt on a level I hadn't experienced before, not even when I thought I was dying. Back then it was only me. But now, to stand here helpless watching Bella and Nessie's pain, watching everything go to shit, it made me want to fucking scream, and then maybe break a window and tear a door off a frame.
Luckily the door was still in place when Esme arrived. I saw that as evidence of how far I'd come.
"You should call Vanessa's school," Esme directed me after a quick, tearful hug. "Where's Isabella?"
Bella was in the kitchen. She hadn't wanted to be moved, and she hadn't wanted her daughter present. But Ness was quiet and immobile, and cried whenever I put her down. So, we'd paced just outside the kitchen, Bella's hymn on my lips.
I found the number for the school on Bella's cell phone while Esme thankfully joined Bella in the kitchen.
"Hi. Um, this is Vanessa Swan's, um… this is… this is Edward Masen. I'm listed as one of the um… people that can pick up Vanessa Swan from school."
"Yes, sir. I see that you're listed as one of her contacts."
"Yes, right, a contact. Well, I was calling to say that Vanessa won't be in school today."
"Is she sick, sir?"
"There's been a death… in the… family."
"I'm very sorry to hear that. Please send my regards."
xXxXx
I could hear the gentle creak of the stairs and I knew it must be Esme, but I couldn't pay her much attention. Of course, I was beyond grateful that she'd dropped everything to be here. Her compassionate yet firm energy was just what Bella needed: to get her out of the kitchen, into a shower, and finally dressed in something besides that stupid fucking robe I'd thoughtlessly picked out this morning. I guessed Bella was somehow asleep, because the house was silent except for the squeaky stairs, except for my humming and Nessie's even breaths. Ness had finally curled into a sleeping ball in my arms, but I was still rocking, and biting my lip bloody as I tried my damndest to pass on some measure of peace to the little girl.
When I finally looked up, Esme was standing on the landing with tears in her eyes.
"Edward, dear, she's asleep. Take her to bed. She could use a nap and you could use a break."
This morning had fucked with all those little things that warmed my heart and made me feel worthy: pushing the hair behind Bella's ears, tying a robe around her naked body, and now this, finally putting Little Bell to bed. From the first evening I'd spent with them, this had been Bella's domain. I'd never been in the room, I'd never tucked the blankets around her, and I'd never leaned over her bed and kissed her cheek good night.
Eventually, I'd thought. But not like this. Not with Little Bell worn out and confused and scared.
I padded up the stairs, and I carefully eased her into the little wooden bed. Little Bell rolled over and curled into a fetal position, her tiny fists tucked under her head, sighing in her sleep. She looked deceptively peaceful, and I wiped an errant tear from the corner of my eye, remembering too clearly lying alone in my bed when I was her age, the feeling of the ground falling out from under me, everything changing course with nothing left to hold onto but a bottle of fucking air.
Little Bell had more than air; she had Bella. She had me. She had me.
I tucked the covers around her, and pushed her curls from her eyes. I spotted her iPod on that slipshod bookcase of hers and I carefully placed the ear buds in her ears, and I scrolled to the song Bella told me Nessie liked to fall asleep to.
Once more little one
I'll go down, stay down
Sleep the rest of the day
Dream new music to calm down
Stay down and keep evil away…
I could smell coffee brewing as I made my way down the stairs. Esme was busying herself in the kitchen, cleaning the sink.
"She's down," I murmured, sinking into a chair.
"Bella's sleeping as well. Poor thing, so emotionally exhausted."
"Have you called Carlisle?"
"Of course. He's closing the practice early to come by with some medication."
"Esme, she doesn't need to be -"
"Calm down, Edward," Esme implored as she set two mugs of coffee on the table and took a seat. "Carlisle and Bella are physicians. They can judge whether she needs some form of pharmaceutical help. Think about how you might feel. She may need something to steady her nerves to get through questioning, and she was going on about Jacob's family, talking with them, about seeing Jacob. She overheard the police ask about identifying the body."
"Fuck if I'll let her be the one to do that." I banged my fist on the table for emphasis, and the mugs Esme had placed there clattered, coffee sloshed.
Esme dabbed at the droplets of coffee that had landed on the wooden tabletop. "She may want to, Edward. For closure."
I cursed under my breath, irrationally jealous that Bella might want to see her ex-lover's dead body. That she would need to go through that horror out of duty and love that had nothing to do with me. My unreasonable emotions were slightly sickening, and I hung my head.
Esme took my hands. "How are you holding together, dear?"
"I don't fucking know."
"I only met him the once. But he seemed like a very nice young man."
I shook my head and I pulled my hands away. "He was too nice. Do you have any idea the extent of the shit he did for her? How much he helped her over the years? How they worked together to raise that little girl?"
"Edward, Bella's despair has no bearings on her feelings for -"
"I can't hear that shit right now, Esme. It wouldn't mean a fucking thing."
"She's going to need you."
"I could kill that little fu-, that little… that little… Fuck!" I pounded the table with my fist again, this time leaving a large puddle of coffee in my wake. "I could kill that little fucker, Esme, for leaving and never calling and getting himself killed! All this fucking time she thought he just left, just deserted her and Nessie, and he's been fucking dead. That fucking asshole!"
"Anger is understandable."
"Anger doesn't even come close, Esme. Not even fucking close!"
To see Bella emotionally destroyed, to see Little Ness quiet and scared... And then there was my own loss. After last night, after I told her she was everything. After trying to tell her, the only way I was brave enough to, that I wanted to be a family. I'd slept here, unintentionally, but fucking wonderfully. And when Ness found us Bella didn't freak out, well, not any more than to be expected. She smiled and she let me hug her, and I'd been about to kiss her again, in front of her daughter. She was about to let me.
This morning I'd been hoping against hope that maybe she understood what I'd tried to say. Fuck if it had only been ten days, what more certainty did I need? I only needed the two of them. They were more than I'd ever hoped for.
Even in fucking death Jacob Black was getting in the way. "Asshole," I hissed.
"Your anger at Jacob is misdirected, Edward," Esme said, making a complete mockery of my internal dialogue as she calmly wiped up the spilled coffee. "I know you, and I'm quite certain I've always understood your motivation to practice law. So, listen to me, young man," she said sternly. She placed the dishcloth purposefully on the table and grabbed my chin to make me look at her. Her caramel eyes were laced with fierce anger. "We'll find the people who did this to Bella and Vanessa, Edward. And then we'll make absolutely certain that they pay for it. Do you understand?"
I hadn't noticed the fucking tears, until I wondered why Esme was wiping my cheek, why her hand was wet. "They're strong. They'll be okay," she murmured.
I held a hand over my eyes, and sucked on the blood from my torn up lip, crying like an ass. "To see them so hurt…" I managed, before I couldn't speak.
"They'll get better, though, Edward." Esme placed her hand over my heart. "You know they can. Don't you? You know you can get better."
I let my aunt hold me in her slender arms. It was something I'd irrationally rejected since I was a boy. But now, not only did it feel appropriate, or like the right thing to do, now I needed her. I hadn't realized how much I'd needed her to tell me that it would be all right. But she knew.
"It's going to be all right," Esme murmured. The words came twenty-five years too late, but I couldn't have gone another second without them. As a kid, I'd managed on my own, but as a weak and suddenly useless man, I hung on Esme's words.
"It's going to be all right," Esme whispered again as she rocked and I fucking cried. "It's going to be all right."
xXxXx
I was looking through a photo album while Esme busied herself making a big pot of chicken soup. I skimmed through picture after picture of Jake, Bella and Nessie. Happy. He held Ness when she was too small, with a tube in her nose and wires against her skin. He smiled at her in a way that made it clear that he loved her. Now I knew that he'd never deserted them. He'd never given them up. In the face of such undeniable love, it made me uncertain if I should even be there. Because I knew I never would have had the guts to let myself into their lives as completely as I had, if Jake had never left like he did.
He never fucking left them. Not by choice. And I couldn't even begin to contemplate what that might mean for Bella. For us.
Esme stopped to glance at the album. It was open to a picture of Jake throwing Nessie up in the air at that beach in Washington; the one Bella said was near her childhood home. Ness was shouting with obvious joy, and it looked like Bella may have been trying to get Jake to rein it in.
"Why don't you put the book away, Edward. Stop torturing yourself and help me with lunch."
But before I could respond, we were both startled by a small, high-pitched wale that pierced that tension in the air. Esme started towards the door, but I beat her to it.
"I'll get her, Esme."
"Of course," she agreed, patting me on the shoulder and turning back towards the stove.
Ness was crying to herself in her bed, kicking her little legs convulsively. She was still in the pajamas she said she'd hated this morning. The hair in the back of her head was in knots from tossing and turning in her sleep, and her face was red and puffy.
"Ewoord," she sobbed, and I didn't waste any time sliding onto the bed and taking her warm little body into my arms.
"Hey, baby, hey Little Bell… shhh, honey. Shhh."
It felt like I'd been rocking her constantly since we'd heard the news, an impulse that came from somewhere deep inside. And miraculously, it was something that Nessie's shocked system welcomed, even now. She stopped kicking, she relaxed against me, and the waling subsided to small hiccups and quiet tears.
"Mama's sick, Ewoord," she mumbled.
"She's just really sad, baby."
"Because Jake died?" Ness asked, pushing her hair from her eyes, blinking up at me.
"Yeah, Little Bell. Because he died."
I watched her thinking, formulating a question. "If he comes back, will mama be happy then?"
"It doesn't work that way, Little Bell."
Ness didn't look too deterred or too sad, just thoughtful. She hugged me and spoke against my chest. "Ewoord, your mommy died, right?"
"She did."
"Did she die forever?"
"Yes."
"What if Jake goes to a doctor, Ewoord? Mama's a doctor. Mama could get him mecidine."
"He's with a doctor now, Little Bell. But they can't make him better."
Ness scooted backwards on my lap so she could look me in the eye. I watched the way she was struggling, trying to solve the problem at hand, just like I imagined her mom would. "What if there are two Jakes? And then the other one comes. Will mama be sad if the other one comes?"
"Little Bell, when someone dies, they're gone for good."
"They go away and don't come back?" she whimpered and hid her face against my chest again, clutching my shirt.
"Jake left, and we didn't know it, but he couldn't come back. I'm sure he wanted to. Because I know he loved you very much."
"He go-ed and he a poopy head!" she yelled, punching me with her fists. "I don't care if he dead! I not like him! He maked mama sad."
I held her and rocked. It was all I knew to do, and eventually her fists fell into her lap. Nessie cried silently, her little body shuddering with grief that was too big for a four year old to bear.
"I was mad at my mommy too," I whispered, as much to myself as to the little girl in my lap.
Nessie's head shot up, her red-rimmed eyes were inquisitive. "Why?"
"Because she wanted to come back, and she said she would. But after she died, she was never there again. It took too long for me to realize that it wasn't her fault."
"Ewoord, when your mommy died, she took a l'il piece of your heart, right?"
I smiled despite the pain, remembering that night at the pizza place when Ness had guessed my feelings so much better than even I had. "She did."
"Does it hurt 'cause that l'il piece she took, did it died too? Is that why? Did a l'il piece of my mama's heart died today?"
And fuck if I wasn't crying again as I rocked the little girl. "You're right, baby girl. Your hearts both broke a little today. But you know what?"
"What," Ness sniffled, carefully watching my tears.
"I found out that they won't be broken forever. Hearts are strong and they can get fixed. Those little pieces can be alive again."
And Ness hugged me, and we sat quietly as her tears bled through my shirt, as my tears wet her curls. Long enough, still enough and sad enough that I had no idea how long Bella had been standing at the door.
Her face was tear-stained and her eyes were bloodshot and her hair was half-wet and tangled around her face. She held the doorframe like she was holding herself up.
"Bella."
She nearly collapsed onto the little bed.
"Mama," Ness breathed. And our hugs became tangled, and Bella's wet hair mixed with tears.
'Baby," Bella whispered. "Baby, are you okay?"
"No," Ness sniffled. "I not."
"Jesus, Bella, I'm sorry."
And for some time there were no words, just hands and caresses and chaste kisses on foreheads, and fingers to wipe at the tears.
"Mama's got to go somewhere," Bella eventually mumbled to Ness. "But I'll be back soon. Can you stay here with Edward?"
"What are you talking about?" I began untangling our bodies and limbs so I could look her in the eye, so I could gauge what she was saying.
"I have to make sure, Edward," she murmured, trying not to cry. It didn't exactly work and tears sprung from the corner of her eyes. She was trying to be strong, but she couldn't hide what had broken, and through the fractured light I could easily see her fear and her pain.
"Jake?"
Bella nodded and sobbed, and I grabbed her shoulders and tried to make her look at me.
"No. No fucking way. I'll go."
"I can't cry like this, I can't hurt like this, I can't do all of this without knowing for sure. And I have to call his family, and there's no way I can say those words if I'm not one hundred percent certain. I need this. The detectives need this. I have to do it."
"No."
"I've known him my entire life. It's the absolute least I can do for him, for his family. I let him die."
"No you didn't."
Bella hid her face in her hands, and Nessie crawled onto her lap in a little ball.
"I can't let you go alone," I whispered, rubbing her back, leaning her head against my chest.
"I'm not going alone. I already spoke with Carlisle. He's a doctor. He can handle it, I think. He's going to come with me."
And I almost had to laugh, because with his cool and formal nature, Carlisle was probably the only person I would imagine could handle the identification of a murder victim.
"Mama?"
"Baby?"
"Ewoord told-ed me it gets better, mama."
Bella almost smiled. And with one arm around her daughter, she leaned in and gave me a tender kiss on the lips. It was the kiss I'd missed giving her earlier this morning. But, like everything else, the kiss had changed. It was just as much about love as it was about loss, no matter how long we both held the embrace.
xXxXx
Little Bell and I watched cartoons. We ate chicken noodle soup together, and Esme looked on like it was some form of victory. Honestly, I would have eaten a raw cow for Little Bell, so I let Esme smile.
The house phone rang more than once, making us jump each time. But I couldn't bring myself to answer it. After the call to Nessie's school this morning, I had enough of trying to explain who I was in the context of Jacob Black's death. It wasn't my place, and that alone made me feel pissy and petty. After three calls I turned the ringer off, because I didn't want my petulance to come between Little Bell and myself.
And finally, after what seemed like days, there were footsteps outside, and the turn of a key in the lock. Little Bell jumped to her feet, and I quickly followed her lead.
But Bella was crying again, and she rushed passed us, up the stairs, straight for the bathroom. Carlisle followed somberly behind her, closing the door securely before nodding his head, answering the unspoken question that filled all the empty space in the room. Esme gasped and rushed to meet him, finding comfort in his arms. Upstairs, light footsteps made their way from the bathroom to the office and a door clicked shut.
"She's calling his parents," Carlisle informed us, taking a cautious look around the house. Having my uncle in Bella's home felt odd. He stood in contrast to the comfortable feel of the place, like a burr might find itself embedded in soft down. But when Carlisle's eyes fell on me, with my arm around Ness's shoulders as she watched Sponge Bob, I watched him soften, his shoulders fell, his eyes brightened, and he sat comfortably on the other side of the couch.
He was about to say something, and I actually fucking welcomed it for once, when the sound of glass shattering overhead broke through Sponge Bob and Patrick's laughter.
"What the -"
Something else shattered. Before I could think about what I was doing, I raced up the stairs and down the hall. Glass continued breaking and crunching over and over. But, aside from that, Bella hadn't uttered a sound.
My heart leapt through my throat when I threw open the door. Bella was tearing her pictures off the wall and throwing them to the ground. There were bloody scrapes on her ankles, glass was shattering over her bare feet, and she was covered in tears. So many tears.
"Bella."
First she froze. She held the picture of her and her dad and Jake fishing gingerly in her hand. Shaking her head at me, almost like she didn't know me and didn't care to, she stepped backwards onto the broken glass, wincing, and she let the framed photo fall to the ground.
"Bella. Fuck. Please."
Her legs bumped against the couch where we'd first embraced, where we'd made love. She jumped, almost like she'd touched fire. Bella scrunched her eyes closed and balled her hands into fists. "Go away," she whispered. "Just go."
Suddenly Carlisle was there, and he walked through the littered glass, he placed her on the couch, and in hushed, authoritative tones, he asked me for a broom, and a dustpan, and maybe a trash bag. And like a fucking janitor, I turned and went dutifully back down the stairs. Esme and Little Bell's eyes followed me into the kitchen, but what could I say? I didn't trust myself to open my mouth.
And I didn't know where the hell all that shit Carlisle asked for was. All I wanted was to crash through the fucking place, to throw some shit around, to break down fucking walls. To find that other Jacob Black Nessie had proposed existed, and ring his fucking neck. Instead, I was quiet as I looked. Esme helped.
Back upstairs, Bella was curled on the tiny couch, sobbing, with her eyes closed. I watched her press a small pink pill between her lips. Carlisle was pulling shards of glass out of her feet with tweezers, dabbing at the cuts with gauze and some topical antibiotic shit.
I cleaned the glass. I dumped broken frames into the trash bag. I stacked scratched pictures of Bella, Jacob and Ness on the desk. Bella never looked at me.
xXxXx
For the second time in one day, I was the one to put Ness to bed. After hugging and kissing my aunt and uncle good night and seeing them out, we walked up to her room hand in hand. She still hadn't changed out of last night's pajamas, and I was pretty sure we hadn't brushed her teeth at all that day. I'd done nothing but rock her and cry and eat soup and watch T.V. I was doing a shit job.
Ness and I worked together to brush her teeth, and I waited just outside the door as she used the potty. Then, I made sure she was thorough as she washed her hands and her face. I was pretty sure she was checking to make sure I approved.
"Good job," I said when she was done, and Little Bell beamed. It was her first smile since early in the morning.
I made sure to turn on her nightlight. And I sat on the edge of her bed, and I rubbed her cheek, and I wished I'd done better, that somehow I could have protected her from all of this.
"I lo' you, Ewoord," she offered, and my chest hurt, and I blinked, less than willing to cry again. I was spent and emotionally empty, except for the painful love I felt whenever my eyes fell on Bella or Ness.
"I love you too, my Little Bell."
"Will you sleep here again tonight? Please."
"Absolutely."
"Good."
Ness rolled to her side, and tucked her hands under her head. And there was no way I could keep space between us. I folded myself in two, and somehow fit my body around hers on that little bed, and held her tight until she fell asleep.
Afterwards, I carefully pulled Nessie's door closed and turned towards the stairs, but another small sound kept me from descending. Bella was quietly sobbing, but not quiet enough that I couldn't hear her from the second floor.
"Bella." I spoke softly, letting her know I was on the other side of the door.
"No."
"Shit. Bella, please."
"No."
But 'no' wasn't enough of a deterrent. There was no way I could walk away from her, and I pushed open her bedroom door. She was sitting on the edge of her bed, her knees pulled up to her chest, her face hidden. But she couldn't hide the shaking or the sound of her sobs. I sat down next to her and she skittered away, like she was afraid.
"I said no!"
"But Bella, you're in pain."
"No fucking shit, Edward!"
"Please, shh, quiet. I just put Ness down."
And another sob escaped from her mouth. Her hand clamped over it a second too late. "I can't do anything right," she mumbled, letting her hair fall over her face.
"Baby, baby, baby," I tried, reaching across the bed, trying to close the space that had grown between us.
"No!" she said, pulling farther away. "I didn't even think about putting her to bed."
"It's just that crap Carlisle gave you."
"Don't try to make me feel better about forgetting my own daughter."
"I don't know what I'm fucking doing, Bella. I'm trying. Just tell me what I can do to help."
"Leave," she whispered, turning away from me.
"What?" I was sure I hadn't heard her right.
"Please leave, Edward." Bella turned back towards me and stared me squarely in the eye to let me know she was serious.
"Jesus, Bella. Like this? Baby, why?"
"Why? You're asking me why you should leave when you're sitting on this bed? The bed I fucking bought with Jake, the bed I slept with him in every night until I kicked him out? Until I started dreaming of fucking you in it? I let him think things were fine, and then he asked me to marry him, and I broke his heart. I made him go. And whatever stupidity he got himself into was because of me!"
"Bella, people are shot in this city every day. This had nothing to do with you."
"And every day he spent here, he wasn't gunned down, Edward."
"Bella please," I tried reaching across the bed to touch her again, sure that with contact she would remember that what we had was right. But her hand recoiled like I was offering her a hot coal. "Bella, it's not your fau-"
"Don't you dare! What did you tell me out at the beach? Sometimes it's so horrifying that it doesn't matter. Do you have any idea what I saw today? Do you know what a week in a river and some fish can do to a person? How am I supposed to live with myself after that?"
I knew what a week in a house could do to a body, which is why I hadn't wanted her to go. And I didn't know how she was supposed to go on after that. It had taken me too long to figure it out. For me, Bella was the solution. She'd taken the time to neatly write it down on paper. And little by little, Bella and her daughter had given me everything on that list.
But looking across the bed at Bella, angry and half wild with guilt and despair, I knew that for her, I wasn't enough.
"And now… now I can't remember to comfort my daughter, or to feed her, or to put her to bed! And now, I'm lying here, waking up in the same bed I slept with him in for four years, and all I can think about is how much I want you with me. I try to force myself to think about that dead person, that man that turned into a bloated and half-eaten thing, that amazing man that I was supposed to love. But, no! I think about getting you and fucking you and trying to make it all go away. It's that same impulse that made me drive him away. I pushed him out into the street to get killed. I can't even mourn him right! I'm a shit, and I'm so wrong, and it's ruining me!"
She dissolved in tears and her body shook, and the bed shivered. I didn't try reaching. Instead, I walked around the bed and I took her in my arms. She cried and collapsed against me, and I held her and rocked like I had with her daughter. It's all I knew to do. I rocked, I hummed, and eventually we crawled onto the bed and I held her as close as I could, I smothered her sadness and her guilt, hoping and praying that I could love away the pain.
I didn't realize I'd fallen asleep until I woke with sunlight on my face in an empty bed. Jacob's fucking bed. The sheets were damp with sweat and tears.
I found Bella and Ness, sleeping together in Nessie's room, bathed in the warm glow of the fairy nightlight, and the small rays of sun that escaped from between the slits in the blinds.
Downstairs, I started another pot of coffee. I loaded the dishwasher. I wondered what to make for breakfast, until I found a note from Esme. There was a quiche and homemade cinnamon buns, and another pot of soup. She'd be by that evening with a stew.
If I hadn't been headed for the bathroom, I wouldn't have heard the light tapping on the front door. I opened it to find Alice, teary eyed and smiling sweetly, biting her lip. "Alice."
It was all the invitation she needed to throw her arms around me.
"How are you holding up, Big Brother?"
"I don't know, Alice."
"I gave you some space last night. I'm sure you didn't miss me and that your plans changed."
"What do you mean?"
"It was your date night. I was going to babysit. Until…"
"Shit."
"I know. I'm so sorry, for all of you," Alice said as she walked in and glanced around the empty room.
"They're still asleep," I explained.
"Good. That's good. How are they?"
"How do you think?"
She looked me over from head to toe. "You're not doing too hot, either."
"Fuck you, Alice. This isn't the time for your cutesy quips about my clothing."
"No, I'm serious. How long have you been wearing these clothes? And you kind of stink, and you haven't shaved."
"Jesus Christ, you really know the right things to fucking say."
"Edward, just listen to me. Take a break, take a shower, and knock some holes in your hotel room wall. Whatever. Just give yourself a chance to pull yourself together."
"I don't want a fucking break, Alice."
"Edward, go. You can't take care of them if you don't take care of yourself."
"I don't know."
"Go. Go quick. It will do you good. I'll be here, and I know mom was planning on coming back too. They'll be fine for an hour."
xXxXx
Traffic sucked for a Saturday morning. It was closer to two hours when I ran back up the steps to Bella's home, freshly showered and shaved and feeling like shit. I was trying to figure out if Bella would have been more pissed if I'd have stayed, or that I left without saying anything. Or if she'd even think to care.
I fit my key in the lock and began to swing the door open, but someone caught it from the inside and held it in place.
"Hello?" a deep voice asked. A middle-aged man with short salt and pepper hair and a bushy moustache stepped into the space created by the half-opened door. "Can I help you?"
"Uh, I'm… uh, excuse me. I was looking for Bella?"
"It's Ewoord!" Little Bell cheered from somewhere in the house. I heard her little feet running towards the door. "Grandpa, it's Ewoord. He not my daddy, yet. But he sleeped in the big bed with mama and he said he liked it."
A/N: I'll be hiding and biting my nails, waiting to hear what you all think. A shout out to leechlover81... she totally saw the foreshadowing about nothing being alive in the river. Nice reading!
A thank you to Lindz and fuzzyltlwingedthing for beta'ing/pre-reading. And a thanks to all my fb friends for listening to me whine about this chapter. Thanks for the support, ladies!
I was just interviewed over at Twilight FanFic Addicts. I've included the link in case you're dying to know more about me, TPoL, or who I would KFM: Mike, James, Caius...:
http:/twilightffaddicts . blogspot . com/2010/10/interview-with-belladonnacullen . html
Finally, thanks so much for all of the reviews, all of the PM's, all of the support! It makes this worthwhile. M